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Ego death brought out a repressed memory
    #29624147 -

Trigger warning rape and child sexual abuse.

Hi all (31 M), first time chatter long time lurker. I have dabbled in LSD and Shrooms for years, lately it’s been a once a year thing….. well yesterday I pushed myself a bit too far and well. I experienced ego death, hit a highest level I have been on and well it was bad.

I remember my sexual abuse as a child from a man she dated well my parents were divorced. Honestly I don’t what to do, I wrote suicide notes. This trauma has changed my perspective on my entire life. This is a memory that I have drank and buried for my entire life. Now it’s just there.

This also brought up past sexual traumas I haven’t ever dealt with, in college I was raped by an older man on my first night and then my junior by a women and many people saw and thankful stopped this event. my college rape experiences have already been shrugged off or dismissed.

Right now the only thing that keeps me from killing myself is my dogs and family. I started writing suicide notes. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I honestly don’t why I am posting this, I think it’s because I just need to tell someone.

I want to tell people in my personal life, but I don’t how. This will devastate my mother and I can’t do that to her within it helping myself first. I just don’t even know where to start.

I guess I am here for help.

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Re: Ego death brought out a repressed memory [Re: Anonymous #1] * 3
    #29624153 -

First of all, I am so sorry to hear this. Please don't do anything rash.

You should go to a therapist, one that specializes on this sort of trauma and PTSD.  Need to actually. Normal people don't tend to be the best line of defense for heavy subjects.

You should tell it to those close to you, but I would do that AFTER speaking to a professional, with guidance, and with the first catharsis done in therapy.

I had trauma, not sexual fortunately. I used to break down in a blubbering mess if I started speaking about it. Therapy was a place where I talked it all out, and could handle better afterwards.

It sucks that rape is not taken as seriously for men. Your mom should know, but eventually. From my experiences, group therapy/AA like meetings are good. If you go to a rape survivor meeting, EVERYONE there will have gone through similar things. That level of empathy is required for deep subjects.

Right now, this feels like an explosion, and your mind is in a dangerous place. A good therapist is a good way to diffuse the situation, so that you can move forward with it not in a state of pure chaos.

Reach out to a professional now. I didn't post anonymously, so you can PM me anything, ok?

But please, don't hurt yourself. There is a good life that is possible even if it doesn't seem like that now.


--------------------
I call them Huskies cause they Mush!


The Official Wild Cubensis Thread
Instant Pot Agar
Gnocchi Water Agar
Let's Talk Cowtek

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Re: Ego death brought out a repressed memory [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #29624187 -

So I don't recommend you go about telling people about this unless it is specifically necessary to your healing.  For example, confronting your parents about how they allowed it to happen when you are able is probably something you should do. 

Believe it or not, telling someone else you were abused in this fashion will make them want to abuse you if they are a predator.  This is highly personal information, you gotta be careful with who you tell.

People here are helpful, but we are mushroom enthusiasts, not psych professionals.  I think you should get in with a good trauma counselor and psychiatrist. 

I don't know that you should be doing mushrooms, I think get in with a professional and come back to the mushrooms when you are more grounded.  If you're not ready for what they showed you, it's a good sign that you shouldn't be playing with your mental health.

In the end you need to understand that you are cared about and you are loved.  What that asshole did to you is not a reflection of you in any way, it makes him a pedophile weirdo fuck.  It makes your parents failures for not seriously protecting you when you were innocent to the world and vulnerable. 

Unfortunately in your recovery you will be forced to confront darkness.  Darkness that you deserve to not have to confront.  But you must see it through.  Be strong, and go to war with this if you have to do so to reclaim your birthright.

I wish you all the luck, and you need to know you can do this.  It's gonna take time and effort, but you can take back your life.

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Re: Ego death brought out a repressed memory [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #29624587 -

You gotta go see a therapist man! Have you looked in your area? You gotta work this shit out, and if youre feeling suicidal, the time to start was yesterday.

You got a family? Like wife and kids?


--------------------
notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."

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Re: Ego death brought out a repressed memory [Re: Mickalopagus] * 2
    #29624790 -

First off before getting personal: People should be made much more aware than currently that one of the most reliable things psychedelics do over time is bring up to the surface the biggest issues of your life, forcing you to either process them or be crushed by them. Its not unlike Kundalini - Psychedelics will mess your sht up if your sht is messed up to begin with.

My sht is very messed up. In my younger years I went through a kaleidoscope of abusive situations, I checked almost all the major traumas a child in peacetime can go through. I was abused sexually too, several events and several more attempts and all, mindblowing, by different people from every corner of my life.

I’m messed up on the level of war veterans, my life has been Hell beyond belief and, to be real, for a normal person its basically Hell through and through, if I hadn’t been through worse, creating a sense of relative relief, and didn’t have the Miraculous and Mysterious in my life, there would be nothing justifying sticking around. I love life though.

Sorry to hear you got put in harms way predictably by Ego Death experiences, you can either quit psychedelics or will be forced by the experiences to come to complete the Ego Death sequence, delivering you into the Transpersonal realm like I have been, or, as normal people call it “go funny in the head”.

Either way, try to get help in dealing with the sexual abuse issues and the trust issues that were born from that. A good step is in fact to confide in people adept and willing to help professionally.

I can’t do it with you, life is consuming me terribly, I got too much on my plate myself. What I can help you with bigtime, epically, for hours and hours whenever you want that, is if you click that humongous link in my signature and study the crap out of Omnicyclion.

Omnicyclion is holistic spiritual-practical self help, there is so much more there than the little text written. It works for me, maybe it works for you :sun:

In any case, if you take it seriously and look into it deeply, it will for sure intensify the manifestation of the process of Entheogenesis that is unfolding in you: The Divine Resurging Within, not the Omnicyclion way but the You way - Omnicyclion is a step-up to get there, once there you realigned yourself into full independence- including from Omnicyclion.


--------------------
Omnicyclion.org
personal empowerment for the world

:nyan: LGBT - Love God Before Tradition :nyan:

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Re: Ego death brought out a repressed memory [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #29625340 -

The most helpful thing I was ever told is that I am not the darkness that happened to me.

And I hope you hold yourself with grace and compassion, as you find your way back to the joy that was taken from you.


--------------------
And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places
I'd be running up that road
Be running up that hill
With no problems

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Re: Ego death brought out a repressed memory [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #29632496 -

Anonymous #1 said:
Trigger warning rape and child sexual abuse.

Hi all (31 M), first time chatter long time lurker. I have dabbled in LSD and Shrooms for years, lately it’s been a once a year thing….. well yesterday I pushed myself a bit too far and well. I experienced ego death, hit a highest level I have been on and well it was bad.

I remember my sexual abuse as a child from a man she dated well my parents were divorced. Honestly I don’t what to do, I wrote suicide notes. This trauma has changed my perspective on my entire life. This is a memory that I have drank and buried for my entire life. Now it’s just there.

This also brought up past sexual traumas I haven’t ever dealt with, in college I was raped by an older man on my first night and then my junior by a women and many people saw and thankful stopped this event. my college rape experiences have already been shrugged off or dismissed.

Right now the only thing that keeps me from killing myself is my dogs and family. I started writing suicide notes. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I honestly don’t why I am posting this, I think it’s because I just need to tell someone.

I want to tell people in my personal life, but I don’t how. This will devastate my mother and I can’t do that to her within it helping myself first. I just don’t even know where to start.

I guess I am here for help.


I used to write suicide notes when I was younger and have lost friends to suicide. Things WILL get better. Mushrooms have given me hope. Inbox me if you ever need someone to chat with

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Re: Ego death brought out a repressed memory [Re: winzlo7]
    #29636077 -

Hey OP.

I hear you. It's a mad world.

You should seek professional help. Honestly if you are writing suicide notes it is probably best to seek emergency help, ie call your local mental health community team or you can even call ambulance and tell them so they can get the help you need.

Earlier this year I was suicidal and was too scared to call for help. In hindsight I absolutely should have. You'll get better with help and the work you put in. For the time being stay away from mushrooms. They won't help with what's happening right now.

You didn't deserve what happened to you. That's complete bullshit and I'm pissed off that it happens to anyone. You deserve to feel safe and to live a good life.


--------------------

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Re: Ego death brought out a repressed memory [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #29638242 -

Please find a support group, I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this

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Re: Ego death brought out a repressed memory [Re: winzlo7]
    #29653770 -

The main thing about healing college or child abuse is how you feel your body, how that impacts your behaviour and identity. If you have unacceptable sexual leanings because of your abuse you may never find out who you are or be courageous enough to express it because it's like there's a spanner in the works always making you act like someone else.

Reliving the memories is extremely powerful. Sometimes you don't have to process the emotions at the same time, just the conceptual memories of touching and violation or whatever happened and when the body/brain which is very advanced is done processing that a lot of your neurosis and depression will disappear.

Best way to do it is in dreaming. Try to fall asleep feeling vulnerable. I also found using low dose LSD then sleeping when applicable afterwards led to processing of repressed memories.

Some memories are repressed because spiritually they would destroy you. You would feel crushed if you knew what really happened to you, as is the goal of many psychopathic abusers. In this case the best approach is to release anger and guilt from violation of the ego and body boundaries but not to directly face the memories. If the memory is going to destroy you you're going to go crazy or feel intense mental resistance while it surfaces and you will know if you should stop.

I got into a memory once and it was so fucked I just did everything I could to wake up.

Try listening to "healing frequency" music and stuff on Spotify. All sorts of therapies can be applied. I would expect intense massage to be helpful though I am yet to try.

For what it's worth I'm almost finished in my 18 year journey to heal from horrific child abuse. I worked it out when I was 19.

Edited by lostintimenspc (08/23/26 04:14 PM)

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