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InvisibleMOTH
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,382
Loc: In the jungle
Repressed memories
    #3240387 - 10/10/04 10:17 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Okay, I'm going to try and express this issue as eloquently as I can, since I am a bit confused about this.  This contains subject matter that I'm a little sensitive about, so please keep this in mind if/when you reply. 

***This post also delves into a very unpleasant part of my life.  I have a dark side.  :frown:  Just warning you, so please don't think that differently of me.***

To begin with, there has always been a suspicion in my family that I was sexually abused as a little girl.  My mom often left me with babysitters when I was very young.  I don't remember much about them except one thing.  I have several memories of hiding in a box in a woman's basement, feeling very frightened.  I remember the woman looking for me, calling my name at the top of the stairs as I huddled in the box. 

But I don't remember anything else.  There is just that scene. 

Fast forward several years, to when I am a teenager.  Without much apparent reason, I felt the urge to hurt my body.  I hate it, I hate my stupid, ugly, terrible self.  I want to destroy myself.  I begin to cut myself savagely, including my breats and genitals. 

I was sent to a mental hospital for a few weeks, to try and find out what was wrong with me.  Upon looking at me and my wounds, the doctors immediantly suspected that I had a history of sexual abuse.  They would sit me in a room and question me, asking me to remember back when I was a child.  They were pretty much convinced that I had been sexually abused, and they wanted me to accept that theory as well. 

Well, since I couldn't really remember an incident of sexual abuse, their insistance on this event left me feeling even more confused and violated...like unless I *had* been sexually abused, my feelings were not valid.  The doctors asked my parents to allow me to undergo hypnotic therapy to pull forward any repressed memories, but my parents refused and took me out of the hospital. 

So move forward a few more years.  (this past year)  I've stopped hurting myself and feel as though for the first time in my life I am happy.  I love life and my dark past seems very remote and foreign to me now.  It's hard to believe I am the same person. 

However, there was an incident a few months ago that got me thinking about sexual abuse again. 

I was shrooming.  Some might immediantly discount my next few words due to this fact, but the experience was very profound.  As I was tripping pretty hard, I had a vibrant, invasive image hang in my mind.  It refused to be denied.  It was me as a little girl, looking down at my hairless privates, watching a hand go inside and out, touching me. 

Surprisingly, at the time, I just accepted the image.  I was like, "Oh, so that explains it," and made peace with whatever had happened.  Now, several months later, I keep thinking about what I saw.  The fact that I was tripping when I had this "memory" gives me hesitation to believe it, but at the same time, there are all these unanswered questions about my childhood. 

Who's basement was I cowering in as a little girl?  Why was I hiding from this woman?  Why was I so afraid?  My mother told me that she thought that maybe something had been going on, but she didn't want to cause problems so she didn't do anything about it. 

Why were my parents so adamently against me going into hypnotic therapy as a distressed teenager?  Were they just worried about the suggestive nature of hypnosis, or were they afraid that something might have really come up?

Could sexual abuse explain the violence in which I attacked my own body as a developing teenager?  Why did I feel such an uncontrollable urge to hurt my private parts?  I just don't know. 

I am *incredibly* cautious in suggesting that I may have repressed memories about sexual abuse.  I don't want to believe something that isn't true, especially about something as horrible as this.  But the question still nags at me.  And the "memory" that happened while tripping and came out of nowhere...how seriously can I take that?  It felt (and still feels) like a valid memory of a real event.  But as I said, I'm hesitant to leap to that conclusion for obvious reasons. 

I've even thought about entering hypnotic therapy as an adult, now that I've grown, found the light, and healed.  The uncertainty about this issue makes me feel uneasy. 

For the past couple of months I've wanted to post this, but I guess I was ashamed.  I didn't want people at the Shroomery to read about this and leap to conclusions about me.  I know now that it's posted, that might happen, but it is a risk that I have to take, because I just need to talk to someone about this.  I am too embarressed to speak to anyone about this in real life, so here I am. 

Anyway, sorry this was long...





*me*


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Offlinetomk
King of OTD

Registered: 09/22/04
Posts: 1,559
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Last seen: 1 year, 6 months
Re: Repressed memories [Re: MOTH]
    #3240503 - 10/10/04 10:46 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

I'm no psychologist, but I think repressed memory stuff is largely bullshit, especially as it relates to childhood sexual abuse. This isn't to invalidate your feelings, but a lot of the psychology behind repressed memories is bunk.

Look. Take anyone under a lot of psychological stress, and tell them _ANYTHING_ is the cause of the stress. Their mind will think about it and try to conform. They did some studies where one group of patients got psychotherapy, and one group got something like psychotherapy, but where the psychologist was just making shit up instead of doing psychoanalysis, and both groups of patients ranked their psychologists as equally insightful.

In my general area about 20 years ago a lot of people were sent to prison for sexually abusing kids, based on recovered repressed memories. And then it came out that, oops, it was all based on bad pop psychology, they made the shit up, and the people arrested jailed and ruined, weren't, you know, guilty of anything. A few of em are still in jail even though it's almost 100% they wree innocent. And the kids, well they had all sorts of guilt problems about the incedent now.

If this therapy happened years ago, it's quite possible that you were working with a therapist who was a believer in those same discredited methods. The thing about these discredited methods is that they really cause the people who are subject to them to feel like the implanted memories actually happened.

It would be hard to establish a causal connection between sexual abuse and later self destructive behaviors anyways. There are both people who weren't abused who are self destructive, and people who were abused who didn't become self destructive. So even if you experienced the sexual abuse you remember, that wouldn't establish a causal relation between the abuse and the later behavior.

To me, it sounds like your first step is getting the names of the psychologists who first suggested repressed memories and checking out their background and reputability...

If you are dealing with PTSD symptoms, try MDMA!


--------------------
"I am eternally free"


Edited by tomk (10/10/04 10:48 PM)


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InvisibleLe_Canard
The Duk Abides

Registered: 05/17/03
Posts: 94,392
Loc: Earthfarm 1 Flag
Re: Repressed memories [Re: MOTH]
    #3240512 - 10/10/04 10:48 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Well I, for one, wouldn't think any less of you if you were sexually abused as a small child. It certainly wasn't your fault!
I don't blame you for being so cautious about repressed memories. I recall a few years ago about a flood of reports about children being abused during horrific Satanic rituals. It turns out that the examining Psychiatrist was the one who actually suggested this to the victims during hypnosis so he could make a name for himself. A lot of innocent people went to jail before the fraud was discovered.
It sounds like you've managed to deal with the possibilty quite well. Maybe you should seek some sort of counseling if it still bothers you. Good luck with all that!


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InvisibleMOTH
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Registered: 06/06/03
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Re: Repressed memories [Re: tomk]
    #3240546 - 10/10/04 10:59 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

tomk said:
I'm no psychologist, but I think repressed memory stuff is largely bullshit, especially as it relates to childhood sexual abuse.  This isn't to invalidate your feelings, but a lot of the psychology behind repressed memories is bunk.




I agree...that's why I've been really cautious about looking too deeply into it.  The real invalidation I felt was as a teenager, when the doctors simply assumed that I had been sexually abused, as though I didn't have a right to my feelings or actions unless I had been.  To this day, I feel defensive when someone automatically equates self-injury with sexual abuse, and it still happens. 

Nontheless, the topic been bothering me lately.  It just feels good to write out my feelings and experiences and get some feedback.  I think part of me is trying to understand why I did the things that I did as a adolescent.  It seems so surreal to look back and realize that I am that same person. 

thanks for the response.  :heart:


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: Repressed memories [Re: Le_Canard]
    #3240559 - 10/10/04 11:01 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

ToiletDuk said:
Maybe you should seek some sort of counseling if it still bothers you. Good luck with all that!




Thanks.  I have thought about entering therapy again, but haven't gotten around to it yet.  Right now, the issue is at the backburner on my brain...just something to think about.  If it starts to really agitate me, I'll call a doc, but right now, I'm okay. 

thanks for listening.  :heart:

*me*


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InvisibleFucknuckle
Dog Lover

Registered: 04/24/04
Posts: 6,762
Re: Repressed memories [Re: MOTH]
    #3240576 - 10/10/04 11:06 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

When ever I learn about you I discover more we have in common

I was sexualy abused by several people in my childhood. Both family and my baby sitter.

My baby sitter would make me eat her out. I was only 6 or 7 at the time.

Alot of bad things have happened to me growing up. Once I realized what is right and wrong. I made the decision to make the right choices for myself. The first decision I made was to not allow it to cause me anymore harm. NONE

You have the same choice. Do you  dwell on it?? Do you go thru psyhco thearpy? Do you talk it out with anyone who will listen??

Or do you just move on????

Me I remember everything that those people did to me. I just left it all behind me. I understood it and moved on.


What you are taliking about is.........DID I GET ABUSED???

That is a decision you will have to make. But let me ask you this. What can you do about the past?? What can you do to those who harmed you?? What can be done??

Nothing

You must except what ever you decide happened and move forward.


People who grew up abused have a edge over everybody else. They can handle anything from anyone.

There are to paths a abused kid can go down. One is repeated abuse or death
The other is complete exceptance and a understanding of forward movement and life.

You are fine Miss Ellemy. You are old enough to understand carving up your pussy is stupid. Do you understand where I am coming from??

You know what is right and wrong. So what if some person did something bad to you. You are in complete control of you adult life. Be good to yourself and have a good life. :laugh: :heart:


--------------------
What it is, is what it is my Brother.
It is as it is, so suffer thru it.


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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
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Re: Repressed memories [Re: Fucknuckle]
    #3242783 - 10/11/04 02:12 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

You are completely right...whatever may or may not have happened decades ago doesn't change the person I am today.  And I think I have a right to feel proud about how far I've come.  :sun:  (and it only gets better  :cool: )  Why look back, right? 

thanks

:heart:


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InvisibleFucknuckle
Dog Lover

Registered: 04/24/04
Posts: 6,762
Re: Repressed memories [Re: MOTH]
    #3242814 - 10/11/04 02:20 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Yes abuse sucks
But only for those who dwell on it and allow it to crumble their humanity


You will be fine and you will raise healthy kids
If that is what you choose


I like you and I am sure you are a fine human and a very good woman
If I can see this over the net there are many people around you that feel the same and more :heart: :grin:


--------------------
What it is, is what it is my Brother.
It is as it is, so suffer thru it.


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Offlineivi
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Registered: 01/30/03
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Re: Repressed memories [Re: MOTH]
    #3243130 - 10/11/04 03:23 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Are You sure You're not mixing real memories of real past events with fantasies, or dreams, or memories of dreams? I have had false childhood memories as I have had true. If You decide to try hypnosis, know that even using it, your mind can present objects of Your imagination as real events from distant past. Reality becomes distorted, misty, nebulous and altogether dreamlike with years and it's very easy to (con)fuse it with memories of vivid dreams/nightmares You've had. It has been said that we create our own reality. If I was to choose what to create, I sure wouldn't want to be a molestee.

I have some memories of being locked up in a dark bathroom for prolonged time periods in my early childhood. My parents smile and say this has never happened. Go figure :shrug:


--------------------


Edited by ivi (10/11/04 03:31 PM)


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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Re: Repressed memories [Re: ivi]
    #3243323 - 10/11/04 03:50 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

That's exactly why I haven't mentioned it to anyone at all...aside from you guys here at the Shroomery of course.  Like you said, it could just be a fictional memory.  Who knows...  :shrug:  As for hypnosis, I can't afford it right now anyway.  :twirlyface:


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InvisibleFucknuckle
Dog Lover

Registered: 04/24/04
Posts: 6,762
Re: Repressed memories [Re: MOTH]
    #3243514 - 10/11/04 04:39 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

I can help you with hypnosis



You are getting very sleepy
You are now a child again
Nothing happened to you
At the count of 10 you will wake up and demand sex with fucknuckle

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

No charge :thumbup:


--------------------
What it is, is what it is my Brother.
It is as it is, so suffer thru it.


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Offlineivi
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Re: Repressed memories [Re: Fucknuckle]
    #3243561 - 10/11/04 04:49 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Damn, I shouldn't have read that. Fucknuckle, RUN!!!








:grin:


--------------------


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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Re: Repressed memories [Re: Fucknuckle]
    #3243581 - 10/11/04 04:53 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Fucknuckle said:
I can help you with hypnosis



You are getting very sleepy
You are now a child again
Nothing happened to you
At the count of 10 you will wake up and demand sex with fucknuckle

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

No charge :thumbup:




Thank you, I feel better already!  :yesnod:

And we already had sex...or maybe you just repressed the memory of it.  :wink:  My libido is quite an overpowering, traumatic thing. :grin:


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InvisibleFucknuckle
Dog Lover

Registered: 04/24/04
Posts: 6,762
Re: Repressed memories [Re: MOTH]
    #3243603 - 10/11/04 04:57 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

So you must be the reason I keep dreaming about having sex with some very nice FREAKY GIRL


--------------------
What it is, is what it is my Brother.
It is as it is, so suffer thru it.


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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Re: Repressed memories [Re: Fucknuckle]
    #3243628 - 10/11/04 05:02 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Apparently I'm quite the dream-whore when it comes to Shroomerites.  :smirk:

People here keep telling me that they've seen me in their dreams.  I guess my subconscious gets around.  :grin:


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InvisibleFucknuckle
Dog Lover

Registered: 04/24/04
Posts: 6,762
Re: Repressed memories [Re: MOTH]
    #3243639 - 10/11/04 05:04 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Do me a favor??

The next time you come to my dreams to do me

Can you let me do you in the butt?
And can you please swallow I had a hard time explaing to my wife how I got pecker tracks all over myself while sleeping


--------------------
What it is, is what it is my Brother.
It is as it is, so suffer thru it.


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InvisibleSimisu
taken by gravity
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Re: Repressed memories [Re: Fucknuckle]
    #3243997 - 10/11/04 06:34 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

i think i know what you're talking about
i would have liked to know what did or didn't happen... you have to know what happend in order to except it right? othewise it'll keep bugging you!
sorry to bring down the positiv engery everyone ws giving you...

when i was a small child (4-6 i'm not sure) i remember being at a babysitter's house... it was one of the kids in my kindergarden mom that baby sat me for the day and i KNOW for a fact that the husband used to hit his kids...
i happend to go in that house about two years ago (none of the famely was there... just a friend of mine who's a relative) and i forgot all about it by that time... never gave it much thought i guess
anyway when i came near one of the rooms i felt a sudden fear rush over me and at that moment i remembered that fact and it freaked me out alittle... i didn't say anything becouse i didn't want to bring it up...

a few months ago after about two/three months of intensive cannabis use it suddnely came to my mind again but now i was thinking for some reason that maybe he also hit ME as well and i just "forgot" about it?
i HAD to remember exectly what happend but but it scared me... i had a big doubt about wether or not i was just too stoned and paranoide or this is a REAL thing and also if it's real was i prepared to remember it?

i'm still not sure what happend but i got a nagging feeling about it
i remember hiding behind a desk with that girl from my kindergarden and her father screaming at her sister and hitting her with his belt
(i'm not sure i actualy SAW him hitting her... maybe they were in the next room and we just heared the screaming?) and i also remember hiding is some straw case or something like that and i don't remember anything alse
this nagging feeling does not leave me whenever i think about it and i'm sure that if i knew i'd just except whatever it was and move on
being hit as a small child is not such a big deal as being sexually mulasted though



i know that people who hurt them selves often have very low self asteam and it could emanate from being frustrated from one's self and thinking you deserve to be punnished for your mistakes or bad feelings or whatever...

i think it couldn't hurt digging this espacialy when you feel comfortable with your self these days!

of course i could be wrong and you'll be better off not listening to me... your choice...

either way i hope you find peace :smile:


--------------------
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Invisiblezxsevinr
fartnocker
Registered: 09/27/04
Posts: 302
Re: Repressed memories [Re: Simisu]
    #3244937 - 10/11/04 10:28 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

i can tell you that it doesnt necissarily mean that you were abused if you like to cut i like to cut and i had a model childhood aside from overbearing parents that are way way too holy so dont think that you hafta account for your actions i never did but nonetheless i am on medication for depression and werk out regularly and do not have quite the urge to cut anymore i guess its all relative good luck


--------------------
i also am a big liar and i tell no truths on this board furthermore when the words i me or my are used i am refering to a friend of a friend


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OfflinePsilygirl
cyan goddess
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Re: Repressed memories [Re: MOTH]
    #3245531 - 10/12/04 12:26 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

wow, hun.  that took a lot of courage to share.  i've found that just sharing feelings can make them feel better. 

i honestly have no real advice for you other than to follow your heart.  if you have a strong desire to figure these things out, then i suggest you do so.  otherwise, just move on...

i think you are very brave for being able to talk about these things so openly, calmly and rationally.  it shows real maturity and emotional stability.  stay true to yourself and your heart and that will guide you to the answers you seek, my dear!

:sun:
Psily


--------------------
"Love says 'I am everything.' Wisdom says 'I am nothing.' Between the two, my life flows."


Puget Sound Mycological Society


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Offlinerummshoo
Stranger
Registered: 10/12/04
Posts: 12
Last seen: 12 years, 10 months
Re: Repressed memories [Re: Psilygirl]
    #3246589 - 10/12/04 10:17 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

thanks for sharing. everything is fixed by facing it. everyone vstop cuttin themselves ok. didnt you learn anything from mushies?
saying that, i hit myself in frustration quite alot..


--------------------
sacrilicious!!


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