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Offlinethelion
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Registered: 09/05/04
Posts: 63
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
depersonalization/ego loss issues
    #3658176 - 01/21/05 01:51 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

11 years ago I flipped out on a bad trip with shrooms. I went deep into myself feeling numb and catatonic to the world. Ever since this bad trip I have had problems feeling like I am myself. I struggle with my identity. I feel like I am forcing everything. Nothing seems natural or real. When I hang out with people thoughts race through my head while I fear to say anything on my mind. I feel disconnected to the world and the people in it. I have suffered from a loss of ego in many ways.

I feel I have no personality no friends. I realize that if mushrooms is like a rebirth then I may have really fucked up my mind. My life is really sad. I basically dont know who I am. What can I do about this? I have been diagnosed with bi-polar/schizophrenia paranoid type and am currently on the medications Lamictal and celexa. The lamictal seems ok but it really evens my out almost too much. The celexa makes me feel like I am losing myself.

What can I do to regain my old personality? To regain ego and feel better about myself.


I am sick of this life.


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Invisiblebf6
Keep the highfive alive!

Registered: 01/29/04
Posts: 3,121
Re: depersonalization/ego loss issues [Re: thelion]
    #3658186 - 01/21/05 01:54 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Excercise and go make somone else happy. It won't cure all of your problems, but you'd be surprised how much helping somone else can help you...


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The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you, they're freeing your soul. So, if you're frightened of dying and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away, but if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth...

bloodflower6

Yay for Pornography!


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OfflineGrav
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Re: depersonalization/ego loss issues [Re: bf6]
    #3660622 - 01/21/05 09:50 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

sup theLion

Ive gone through this as well. I used to have a major ego-loss/depersonalization problem. (probably as a result of various acid and mushroom journeys) I felt like I had seen the ultimate vision and it made everything else (even myself) seem insignificant in comparison. It got to the point where I couldn't justify any of my actions.. nobody upstairs was in control. Living and breathing seemed pointless, nothing made sense. Communication was impossible. Music made me feel insane. I had no energy or motivation. I wasn't living in my time period... I was lost in the sky.

I still struggle with my own identity to a small degree. those thoughts will start to creep up over me sometimes and I'll feel like I'm losing myself into a void, but if I stay stubborn and focused on my life, it always mellows out and I feel generally okay. In fact, these days Ive been feeling a beautiful reunion with myself, whom I may have become strangers with over the years during any number of traumatic experiences or wild hallucinogenic goose chases.

I feel cleansed of all the shit I went through, and feel a freedom to aspire to be whatever I want to, but I am still left with an overwhelming feeling of what to do next??? It's cool though. I am young, happy, and have alot of potential. Yes I am confused as hell, but as far as I'm concerned that's all part of the romantic life i've been given in this strange time.

Can't say I'm qualified to give any advice, but try not to assume everything as a loss. challenge yourself, find out what you enjoy, find/trust your instinct, don't hide - let all the pain in. be who you're gonna be.

everyone falls down, just gotta get back up again

take it easy, PM me if you want


btw - are you by chance a Leo ?


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OfflineDivided_Sky
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Registered: 11/02/03
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Re: depersonalization/ego loss issues [Re: Grav]
    #3660863 - 01/21/05 10:46 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

You've got to rebuild your mind and learn to find some meaning in your life. Alot of us get so floored by experiencing the Void that we get confused, feel that life is unreal or pointless, and depersonalized. I had a similar experience last summer and I feel so much better now. The key is learning to control your mind and not let its confused and small perspective control you. What I have found is that sober and personal existence is as valid and real as the Oneness behind it all. People as individuals are manifestations of the Void as a whole, and so nobody really exists independently and autonomously. But at the same time, we are real and our experiences are valid.

In Buddhism it is know as Ultimate Truth and Conventional Truth, both are real. Ultimate Truth is that all things are dependent upon each other, there is no duality or self, and everything is always changing. Conventional truth is how we experience the world; individual forms and objects. Our normal way of knowing the world is entirely valid, but it is a manifestion of the Ultimate Truth. Like Ultimate Truth is the clay of the pot, and Conventional Truth is the shape. It's always clay no matter what it's shape, but that doesn't invalidate the shape.


--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."


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InvisibleWorld Spirit
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Re: depersonalization/ego loss issues [Re: thelion]
    #3660993 - 01/21/05 11:24 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Orientation to Life is the key, I think.

You may be different from others at this point in life and it may be best to come to terms with this instead of fighting it. Resisting your true nature isn't ideal.

Take your time in sorting this stuff out. Don't go crazy if you spend a year or two mostly alone as long as you are working and paying your bills on time and taking care of your body, mind, and inner person.

You may find the best possible advice that someone can give you is summarized in one word: HERBS.

There's a good book that will teach you how to use herbs to heal various parts of the body with the ultimate goal being the vitality and health of your total makeup (mind, body, spirit). The book is written (with lots of cool photos by David Hofmann. Its called The Holistic Herbal.

Another good text is "The Way of Herbs" by Michael Tierra.

You must exercise daily if you're struggling. It can only help. At least do 45 minutes a day until you see substantial improvement. Sweat. Really get into your workout.

Lay off all pharmaceuticals.
Lay off alcohol for now.
Lay off the mj as well.

You need all the focus you can get.
Leaning on pharmaceuticals is not a good way to obtain counsel, and essentially, that's what pill consumers are doing - they're integrating a chemical thru the body that ultimately impacts the way they relate to reality.

Seek forgiveness for what you've done wrong.
Forgive others for what they do/have done.

Become a neat freak at home and in your car and at work. Become more detail-oriented and organized than anyone else you know (without becoming ocd of course). :smile:

Take it easy, brother. Nearly all humans (if not every single one of us) go thru real tough times in life. You go thru them alone for the most part. Prayer is a healthy option to those with the heart to believe.

Take care.  :heart:


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Offlineheadset
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Registered: 12/02/04
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Re: depersonalization/ego loss issues [Re: World Spirit]
    #3661336 - 01/22/05 01:20 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

just be yourself. Let it happen. Be outgoing and grow. build the personality you want to be, now that you know what you dont want to be.

and goodluck.

perhaps ill relate more later, but im a tad shroomy at present.


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Offlinerepemon
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Registered: 04/25/04
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Re: depersonalization/ego loss issues [Re: headset]
    #3662296 - 01/22/05 12:20 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

First thing: Dont believe what the doctors say, and I would skip the medication.

Second thing: It doesnt sound like you are suffering from egoloss. Maybe you actually have to kill you ego if you have the guts. (And plz plz do not go on and take a hefty shroomhit after you read this, this was not what I ment. :smile:] I feel you man, and you WILL get better. But at least skip the meds.


--------------------
- When the time stops, evil ones will be pointed out for all to see.


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OfflineWorf
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Registered: 07/04/04
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Re: depersonalization/ego loss issues [Re: thelion]
    #3662455 - 01/22/05 01:21 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Sounds like you have a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe you have an ego-loss or that you are schizophrenic, you may just achieve it.

What you'll have to do is break the cycle somehow. Purge yourself and take yourself in a new direction. It's not something you can just do for a month and then go back to whatever. It's something you'll have to change for the rest of your life.

Eat healthy foods.
Excercise regularly.
Drink plenty of water.
Stop taking any type of drug.
Improve the ties with your family. Spend time with your mother/father brother/sister and really connect with them.
Find out what you want to do with your life and set goals on how you can achieve them, and what you will have to do to accomplish those goals.
And most importantly, love and be loved.

Do this for a month or two, and focus on removing bad habits and replacing them with good ones and maintain them.

Everything is mental. Everything is only how you perceive it to be. Change your perception and anything can be achieved.


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Offlinerepemon
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Registered: 04/25/04
Posts: 158
Last seen: 11 years, 8 months
Re: depersonalization/ego loss issues [Re: Worf]
    #3662707 - 01/22/05 02:47 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

outputrotation said:
Sounds like you have a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe you have an ego-loss or that you are schizophrenic, you may just achieve it.

What you'll have to do is break the cycle somehow. Purge yourself and take yourself in a new direction. It's not something you can just do for a month and then go back to whatever. It's something you'll have to change for the rest of your life.

Eat healthy foods.
Excercise regularly.
Drink plenty of water.
Stop taking any type of drug.
Improve the ties with your family. Spend time with your mother/father brother/sister and really connect with them.
Find out what you want to do with your life and set goals on how you can achieve them, and what you will have to do to accomplish those goals.
And most importantly, love and be loved.

Do this for a month or two, and focus on removing bad habits and replacing them with good ones and maintain them.

Everything is mental. Everything is only how you perceive it to be. Change your perception and anything can be achieved.




I agree completely especially on the part about family.


--------------------
- When the time stops, evil ones will be pointed out for all to see.


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Offlinethelion
newbie
Registered: 09/05/04
Posts: 63
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
Re: depersonalization/ego loss issues [Re: Grav]
    #3663396 - 01/22/05 06:24 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Great responses all. The thing is that 11 years ago when I had this "bad trip" It was like I never came down. It was weird. I had auditory and visual hallucinations for months after the trip that landed me in a phych ward. Since then I have had numerous problems with my mental stability and ability to hold down a job, keep personal relationships or even distant friends, think about the future or start to plan for my life. I have been unable to be disciplined enough to really concentrate on something long enough to make it something that I can do and continue doing.

Another thing is that it seems that I am unable to be able to relax. Years ago before all this craziness I used to be able to relax, had emphasis on friends (not on material possesions) had mental stability and generaly "knew my place in the world".

That was when I was 18 years old. I was just a kid, still impressionable had a girlfriend had friends had a place in this world in a conventional and somewhat spiritual life. Thie thing is I am not a kid anymore. I am 29 years old now. But I still feel the mental age of about 15 to 18. This is a huge delema. I have problems with my parents becouse my dad is a workaholic and I have but all wrecked my relationship with my mom. My sister lives away from me but we have grown apart. The point is I am alone and I feel like I need to be back in the 9th grade with parents loving me so I can feel irresponsible about life and be care free. Just make freinds and find out where I fit in the world socially (again) becouse I don't know how to conduct myself at the age of 29. I feel the need to have that support system of friends. You know looking foward to the weekends, just some kind of network of friends.

Now I think I hear voices sometimes. I question my sexual identity/orientation which is a manifestation of this clay being molded (again). You see I was a straight guy for all my life until I was about 25 years old...tripping out and getting high after my bad trip just kept me getting deeper and deeper into myself. Rebirth, again and again. Fucking up my whole mental outlook on things. Unable to enjoy relations any further then surface and material It was like it just gets to scary for me.

If tripping is like rebirth of self...then I have really fucked myself. Why becouse I have been born again without knowing what love is or how to love. My parents you know they are the way they are...after the bad trip (being in the void) they were not forgiving and understanding of the way I felt inside. In fact they still arent. I never was able to get back to the old mold that I once was and its as if I have to act normal around them and it really stunts my growth as a person. Sometimes I think I have been dealt a card of imposibility. How do I feel love and give love?...

Its like my parents never tripped out before ever in their lives so they have no idea what I am dealing with. I had a freind who flipped out on acid years ago before I flipped out. His parents were hippies and they put him in his room and took down all the posters in his room so that he only had white walls to look at so he would have the chance to rebirth as himself again without distarctions. I imagine his parents had an idea of how to deal with this kind of problem. I imagine they knew they needed to get their son back to himself through love and encouragement. I feel like I was dumped and left to fend for myself in this world of seemingly hate. Trying find love. One more thing about sexuality is that I was molested. At 22 years old I was molested. This has given my that "I am the victim/I want to be loved at all costs mentality. I mean its like I dont know how to love myself. I firmly believe that this molestation has inlfuenced and has made me question my sexuality.

All the more that I feel like I am tripping out everyday lost in my thoughts.

Apologies if this is too long.

I feel fucked.


Edited by thelion (01/22/05 06:28 PM)


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InvisibleHolydiver
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Re: depersonalization/ego loss issues [Re: thelion]
    #3663559 - 01/22/05 07:02 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

thelion, that's quite a story. Was this a mushroom or LSD trip? And do you remember the dosage?


--------------------
To find a place to live between the negatives and positives.


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Offlinethelion
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Registered: 09/05/04
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Re: depersonalization/ego loss issues [Re: Holydiver]
    #3663956 - 01/22/05 08:27 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

HolyDiver -

This was mushrooms then mesc two or three nights later and then puffing on some weed a night or two after that.

The thing is a feel I have ruined my life. For better or for worse. I honestly have no idea who I am. I sometimes I say my name over and over telling myself who I am. My mind is "on" what seems like "24 hours" a day. Even when I sleep its only like 3-5 hours max and its usually very light.

I forget the dosage on the shrooms and mesc. But the mesc trip was by myself. I am in many ways anti social. If my parents molded me one way (natural progression to become a man/person develop personality/self esteem self worth, beliefs... then I have been rebirthed and have been unable to intergrate properly into a social setting, friends, parents, support, personality, identity. It is in many ways lost.

I imagine the imprints on my mind have left scars from its syng. I constantly think all the time. I am quiet. I dont know how to communicate most of the time.

My life had lots of meaning before this. Now 11 years later I have none.


Edited by thelion (01/22/05 08:42 PM)


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InvisibleEgo Death
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Re: depersonalization/ego loss issues [Re: thelion]
    #3664096 - 01/22/05 09:10 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

1. Quit dwelling in the past, as you exist only in the present.
2. Nobody knows who they are, most people just think they know who they are thanks to years of conditioning.
3. Realise YOU program your unconcious and future mind sets with what YOU think about.
4. You're not the only person on this planet to experience such harsh ego loss at such a young age.
5. Every moment on this planet can teach you something or be used constructively.
6. Start studing Eastern philosophy.
7. Uptake hobbies, wether you belief you will enjoy them or not. I suggest martial arts try Karate.
8. Don't care what anybody else thinks of you, you only have one chance in this world don't waste it.
9. Nothing really matters.
10. You are above the common everyday sheep of society, I can tell, trust me!


I'm sorry if this sounds mean but I feel I had to say this. Good luck.


--------------------


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OfflineBloodNOil
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Re: depersonalization/ego loss issues [Re: Ego Death]
    #3673211 - 01/24/05 06:11 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Martial arts, like DanoEoboy suggested. Try Tai Chi Chuan.


--------------------
It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!


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Offlineheadset
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Re: depersonalization/ego loss issues [Re: BloodNOil]
    #3675278 - 01/25/05 12:38 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Stop thinking. and do stuff.


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Offlinedaba
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Re: depersonalization/ego loss issues [Re: headset]
    #3676356 - 01/25/05 08:33 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

I can share my experience as I'm still going through it.

What I've boiled down my choice was instead of becoming a part of the world, build my world around me... the me that was "reborn."


--------------------
Fold for The Shroomery!


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