i've posted it somewhere lucid but i cant remember where so here is the short version and the events leading up to it.
for the last few years i've been very intrested in philosophy and science, and had been reading books like the tao of physics, mind of god, and some others, and all the evidence seemed to point to unity, oneness or whatever, not just in the books but in my own mind and experience and thinking...so i was begining to believe it, or atleast begining to think that was probably how things were. Then i tripped for the first time, and about that same time or soon after was reading a book on zen. My first trip was mostly good though the last 2 hours i thought i was going insain, and finally thought me and my friends were dead. When we got home i started getting better, and then had this small epiphany, in an instance, all the stuff i had been reading and thinking about and starting to believe, all came together and in an instant i didnt believe it, i knew thats how it was, and i keep saying "my god, are whole life is the trip" anyways it was cool but since it was drug induced i pretty much dismissed it, but later when i was reading about zen, and kensho experiences, my lil epiphany had alot in common with the discriptions i had read. so i started thinking back on it more and became motivated to start meditating. After the fourth night of meditating atleast and hour every night i woke up one day, and during the course of the day, i noticed something was different. I started looking around my apt, and the light levels seemed to change, and everything around me just looked different some how, seemed more real. Then a feeling washed over me, it was like being wrapped in a warm blanket and the realization that everything was just as it should be, and that it was good hit me. It was like god tapped me on the shoulder and said, this is how it is, and its good, and there is nothing to fear. It felt like i was experiencing some kind of grace, god's grace i guess i dont know what else to call it. i had no idea till that moment that such a feelling even existed. The closest thing i can compare it to, would be like being in love though. And it hits u instantly and at full force. For a couple of weeks i persisted in a state of afterglow, and near fearlessness. i was also way more confident. And everything literally looked different, though its hard to explain how, more real i guess, and i felt like i was seeing everything for the first time or atleast how it really is for the first time. I started realizing how warped or off some things i had thought were, and other things i had never thought of, i started noticing more how treated people, and the judgements we make about people, and even everyday objects. It my theory that all these value judgements and mems or whatever actually physically effect the way things look to us, and it seemed like this experience had pushed the reset button on all that. Its hard to recall all the details but from the descriptions i've read of satori, kensho, religious conversion, enlightenment, whatever, it fits with nearly all of them perfectly except that i never expereinced complete ego death, but i have seemed to have atleast persisted in a near state of what i think is nonduel awareness, though i'm not sure, and it seems to fade sometimes, but as soon as i notice it fading it all comes back. I think more then fading i'm just getting used to it, and i think thats the danger, taking for granted the experience lessens it. meditation seems to reinforce it though, so now i've kinda platued, but have still kept "half" of the experience if i had to guess. i changed as much because of that experience as i probably did between the ages of 18 to 26. I'm not sure but i think it was a faith state, i think believing and having faith are two different things now. Faith isnt a thought or an opinion or a belief, its a feeling, as tangible as love or hate or fear, and atleast as powerful as any one of those. Atleast thats come to be my opinion now. It wasn't the typical faith in the typical christian idea of god, just faith, faith in "it" "this" i dont know. It was also kind of like being born and/or dying, the rest of my life before it seems like the memory of a dream, and the stuff after seems more like regular memories. I'm much less judgemental now, even more laid back then i used to be, (and thats alot), much nicer in general, though i was usually pretty nice anyways, now even more so though, basically it seemed to take most of what i would call my good qualities and amplify them, while toning down some of the not so good. Ofcourse i could be dellusional and as much or more of an asshole as i've ever been...i can't deny that possibility  Ok i guess that was a pretty long short version, but thats about as barebones as i can get and still feel like i'm not leaving something major out.
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