#1) The last blunt that rested on my lips was on Thursday night. It's been dry since. I used to smoke every day, but now I'm split. Not having pot has caused some tension, in trying to get more. My friends pressure me for the same reasons.
But I'm starting to be so split. Like I'm both ways: One, I am ready to receive the next quantity of herb and begin smoking again. The other, to just continue this abstinence from pot. I've been feeling a little anxiety over the matter but nothing I can't manage.
Unfortunately, I'm not sure if this has to do with the lack of pot, but I might be depressed. I can sorta think about what is depressing me though, which is where #2 comes in.
#2) Why do I think so much? I was at a party last night, with a few friends and a bunch of unknowns. Everyone there was wasted on something, except myself. This sorta made me more tense about shit. But that's not my concern.
So I met some people I apparently knew from a while ago (elementary school). These people are older, more like my brother's friends. But in discussing things with them, they presented me with a potential problem.
The people there who know me (also the people who know of me) universally accepted and stated that I'm really smart. I don't know how to react to that... I acknowledged that I know a little, but I also said that nobody knows everything (they said that was a really smart thing to say). I also said that I guessed I was sorta humbled by the confrontation.
But why the fuck do I have to think so much??!!?!? This isn't a matter of IQ or intelligence. My mind is constantly running, analyzing, contemplating, theorizing, philosophizing, thinking. This has afflicted me since elementary school.
I was the kid who took apart all his toys to see how they work. I had a keen interest in electronics (and still do somewhat). While the rest of my classmates went on their daily doshit, I'de bring in my crazy circuits and shit. It was my curiosity.
But now this is starting to affect me. I'm not genius like the typical genius, so please don't kid me. But I think that my depth of thought is far deeper than the average, and I don't want it to drive me crazy.
None of my friends can comprehend some of the things I think about. Actually, I don't think I've ever had a friend that totally related to me on my level. I've had a friend that was smart-motivated, but he was only knowledgeable because of how hard he applied himself in school.
I never really really <i>tried</i> in school. I feel really bad, because I would sleep through super-advanced-math and ace tests while my classmates would struggle to understand [to me] simple concepts.
Maybe it boils down to being really lonely. A lot of my friends look to me when they need answers. They say I'm really under control, and I guess this comes from thinking out and trying to predict every situation. But this isn't possible, so perhaps this extreme sense of self-control and calm is an illusion to the chaos within?
I worry, about finding the right relationship. If I'm having trouble finding a single friend that relates to me and thinks as deeply as I do, then how will I ever find a true relationship with the girl that's right for me?
Then I think, maybe it's supposed to be like that. I shouldn't have a girl that thinks that deeply. Instead, we would compensate for each other's weaknesses. I would be the source of knowledge, she would be the source of hope and emotional attachment. Who fuckin knows? Nobody.
Can anyone relate? Please PLEASE offer me your insight into how to cope! I'm only 20, yet some older adults say I know so much more than them. I truly don't believe this! What's more important, plain knowledge, or sheer experience?
Thanks for reading and hopefully understanding.
Edited by poke smot! (09/07/20 01:32 PM)
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