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InvisibleRandalFlagg
Stranger
Registered: 06/15/02
Posts: 15,608
Girl Dilemma
    #2134678 - 11/25/03 12:47 PM (13 years, 13 days ago)

I am best friends with this girl. We used to date but we broke
up. We have known each other for years. She always has said(and
continues to say) that she is in love with me and wants to be
with me. I have never had those feelings for her. To put it
bluntly, she just doesn't "do it" for me.

Why doesn't she "do it" for me? I don't know. I genuinely love
this girl and enjoy her company. I would do anything for her.
But, she doesn't make my heart skip a beat. She doesn't make
me lose my breath. I don't know why she doesn't peak my
romantic interest. But, she doesn't and she never will.

The thing is, we still have sex all of the time. We are both
comfortable with each other and enjoy having sex with each other.
I view the sex as a fun and enjoyable activity with someone I care
about. She views it as an act with someone she is in love with.
So, I view her as my best friend with benefits, and she views me as
the guy she wants to be with.

This situation has caused so much heartache for her(and me). I
don't want to hurt her, but I am not going to lie to her either.
She knows that I am not in love with her. We have discussions
about it all of the time.

Yesterday, I was thinking of some stuff and I told her about it.
I said that I thought we should discuss the current state of
our relationship. I brought up concerns that our having more
than a normal friendship was unfair for her because I could
not reciprocate the feelings that she has. Also, I quite
bluntly said that I would like to find a girlfriend. When I
do find a new girlfriend, how healthy would it be for me and for
the "ex" to have to stop certain activities in our relationship
very abruptly?

I also came to the conclusion that I am subconciously using the "ex"
for female companionship. Because when a new girl comes along,
the "ex" will not get near as much attention as she does now. I
feel bad about this.

All of these emotions and problems swirl about in my head a lot.
Sometimes, I just wish we could be normal friends. But, it is
difficult to take a very intimate relationship back down to the
"normal friendship" level. When I realize that I think that
maybe it would be best for both of us if we just didn't have contact,
because our relationship will continue to limp along and it will
probably end badly. But, this girl is my best friend and I would
be terribly sad if I was not able to talk to her. God, what a
fucking dilemma. What a mess I have gotten myself into.


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OfflineNiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
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Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,198
Last seen: 7 years, 6 months
Re: Girl Dilemma [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #2135207 - 11/25/03 04:30 PM (13 years, 12 days ago)

Stop having sex with her. Period. She's not going to get over you if you keep giving her that to cling to, it's not fair and your fucking with her emotions even if you have told her you're not in love with her.

Is your friendship stable in areas that don't involve sex? If so you'll probably survive this.


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Offlinesykobish
ProfessionalPsycho - JTOKREW
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Registered: 03/15/03
Posts: 17,805
Loc: Toronto, eh?
Last seen: 11 years, 8 months
Re: Girl Dilemma [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #2135412 - 11/25/03 06:17 PM (13 years, 12 days ago)

I agree with NiamhNyx. Stop having sex. That's the first thing you must do. She's in love with you and has told you that, and although you have been straight up and have told her that you are not, she understands but also thinks subconsciously that you and her will be together in the end because you are showing her by your actions (having sex) that there is a good possibility the two of you will end up together.

It's very possible that the two of you can continue to be best friends without the sex. As NiamhNyx said, if you and her have other things that are stable and strong in your friendship, there is no reason for a friendship to not continue between you both. It may be a little difficult at first since there are obvious emotions involved that are at a deeper level then friendship, but over time things will become easier.


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space


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OfflineChiefThunderbong
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Registered: 10/18/02
Posts: 3,647
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months
Re: Girl Dilemma [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #2135450 - 11/25/03 06:39 PM (13 years, 12 days ago)

She is your best friend, you genuinely love her, you would do anything for her, and have sex with her regularly.....but she "just dosn't do it for you"? Not only are you a fucking dickhead, but your stupid too.


--------------------
Yeah spinnin' around again
yea caught in a tailspin


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Offlinetuco_ramirez
Fistful ofShrooms

Registered: 11/06/03
Posts: 398
Loc: DETROIT!
Last seen: 10 years, 11 months
Re: Girl Dilemma [Re: sykobish]
    #2135454 - 11/25/03 06:41 PM (13 years, 12 days ago)

I disagree.

I bet she won't be very happy with the discontinuation of sex. She's in love with the poor guy. You can't take the sex away now, the relationship will end very quickly.

If they were just "fuck buddies", then I don't really see there being a problem. But love and sex have major effects on females, much less than us guys.

I've been through this exact thing more than once. She will seek out sex from someone else to fill in that void left by her "love". That will hurt her too.

If you're really good friends, you should probably break things off so that she can find love elsewhere. I don't think she'll ever be able to fall in love with anyone else as long as you're in the picture. That's not fair for her, even if it is her choice.

Your in a tough spot, I can relate, man. It sucks. Life's crazy like that. I've lost a few great friends because we had to have sex. The positive thing is that I've finally learned to say no.


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Offlinesykobish
ProfessionalPsycho - JTOKREW
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Registered: 03/15/03
Posts: 17,805
Loc: Toronto, eh?
Last seen: 11 years, 8 months
Re: Girl Dilemma [Re: tuco_ramirez]
    #2135510 - 11/25/03 07:04 PM (13 years, 12 days ago)

Quote:

tuco_ramirez said:
I bet she won't be very happy with the discontinuation of sex.  She's in love with the poor guy.  You can't take the sex away now, the relationship will end very quickly.




If the sex doesn't stop, she will be even less happy later.  The sex shouldn't have continued after they broke up, but it did.  So the only thing to do now is to stop it all together.  There will be some hurt feelings, but it's better to do it now instead of waiting to do it later.

Quote:

If they were just "fuck buddies", then I don't really see there being a problem.  But love and sex have major effects on females, much less than us guys.




The fact of the matter is that they weren't just 'fuck buddies'.. so of course there are going to be consequences.

Quote:

I've been through this exact thing more than once.  She will seek out sex from someone else to fill in that void left by her "love".  That will hurt her too.




That's not necessarily true that she will seek out sex from someone else just to fill in that void.  Not all people result in having sex with someone to feel more 'complete'.

Quote:

I've lost a few great friends because we had to have sex.  The positive thing is that I've finally learned to say no. 




I'm glad to hear you aren't out there continuing to break hearts for selfish pleasure. :wink:  What bothers me about the above quote.. is that you said you lost a few great friends because you had to have sex. :frown:  You didn't have to, you always have a choice.  You chose to without realizing the consequences of your actions. 


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space


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Invisiblesilversoul7
Chill the FuckOut!
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Registered: 10/10/02
Posts: 27,301
Loc: mndfreeze's puppet army
Re: Girl Dilemma [Re: ChiefThunderbong]
    #2135590 - 11/25/03 07:35 PM (13 years, 12 days ago)

Quote:

ChiefThunderbong said:
She is your best friend, you genuinely love her, you would do anything for her, and have sex with her regularly.....but she "just dosn't do it for you"? Not only are you a fucking dickhead, but your stupid too.



Dude, that was rude, ignorant, and totally uncalled for. You can't force yourself to fall in love with someone. Someone could be the most kind, caring, intelligent, beautiful person in the world, but if the chemistry's not there, it's never going to be.


--------------------


"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."--Voltaire


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Offlinetuco_ramirez
Fistful ofShrooms

Registered: 11/06/03
Posts: 398
Loc: DETROIT!
Last seen: 10 years, 11 months
Re: Girl Dilemma [Re: sykobish]
    #2135603 - 11/25/03 07:42 PM (13 years, 12 days ago)

Quote:

sykobish said:
If the sex doesn't stop, she will be even less happy later.  The sex shouldn't have continued after they broke up, but it did.  So the only thing to do now is to stop it all together.  There will be some hurt feelings, but it's better to do it now instead of waiting to do it later.




I'm just making the statement that if he wants to continue to be friends with her, the sex will have to continue as well.  A relationship on any level will not exist without it, in the long run.

Quote:

The fact of the matter is that they weren't just 'fuck buddies'.. so of course there are going to be consequences.




I realized this, it was more of a general statement that probably didn't help make my point.  The words are true though.

Quote:

That's not necessarily true that she will seek out sex from someone else just to fill in that void.  Not all people result in having sex with someone to feel more 'complete'.




Ha!  This gal will.  Look, she's staying with a guy who told her straight up that he doesn't love her, never will.  It's seems obvious that she's the dependant type.  (No offense to the poster. Sorry. I know I don't know her, just making assumptions.)

Quote:

I'm glad to hear you aren't out there continuing to break hearts for selfish pleasure. :wink:  What bothers me about the above quote.. is that you said you lost a few great friends because you had to have sex. :frown:  You didn't have to, you always have a choice.  You chose to without realizing the consequences of your actions. 




Yet I did have to.  I was young, dumb, and full of cum.  As my grandpa always says. 


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OfflineChiefThunderbong
Inhale to theChief
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Registered: 10/18/02
Posts: 3,647
Last seen: 3 years, 5 months
Re: Girl Dilemma [Re: silversoul7]
    #2135715 - 11/25/03 08:22 PM (13 years, 12 days ago)

Thats very true, but if that is the case you should not continue to hang out with the person and fuck them all the time.


--------------------
Yeah spinnin' around again
yea caught in a tailspin


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Offlinetuco_ramirez
Fistful ofShrooms

Registered: 11/06/03
Posts: 398
Loc: DETROIT!
Last seen: 10 years, 11 months
Re: Girl Dilemma [Re: ChiefThunderbong]
    #2136080 - 11/25/03 10:24 PM (13 years, 12 days ago)

My point exactly.

If you care for the person, let'em go. You're really just holding her up from moving on to meaningful relationship with someone that'll love her back.

She won't be able to have a loving relationship with someone else as long as she's hung up on you.

Tough news, but true. If you really don't care that much about her, keep fucking.


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Invisibledr_gonz
Registered: 08/18/03
Posts: 44,644
Re: Girl Dilemma [Re: tuco_ramirez]
    #2138866 - 11/26/03 10:50 PM (13 years, 11 days ago)

Let's see a pic, then I'll decide if you should continue to bang her.


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Offlinetuco_ramirez
Fistful ofShrooms

Registered: 11/06/03
Posts: 398
Loc: DETROIT!
Last seen: 10 years, 11 months
Re: Girl Dilemma [Re: dr_gonz]
    #2139216 - 11/27/03 01:51 AM (13 years, 11 days ago)

Good call.


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