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Offlinefreddurgan
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Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc
    #4413996 - 07/17/05 04:36 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Currently it seems like whenever I'm with people, I have nothing to bring to any sort of relation. Like, I don't really know any jokes or anything or don't do voices that entertain people endlessly. I don't have all these crazy drunked college stories to talk about. I don't have all these recent parties and cool interesting stuff that I can talk about. I don't even have music to talk about because nobody listens to what I do.

And it's like..with EVERYBODY I meet it's like I bring NOTHING to the table. There is no point in calling me! Seriously, if I was me I wouldn't click "Call" on my cell phone number. I wonder why my friends never call me and now it seems like it's because I don't bring shit to a conversation or anything. Nobody talks to me and I can never even figure out what people are talking about sometimes because there are either a.) too many unfamiliar people b.) unfamiliar places c.) unfamiliar things, or whatever.

I mean, what the fuck. I don't try to be uninteresting. I don't try to make a situation where people sit with their back to me. I don't want to keep making really bad impressions with people I meet because I bring nothing of value to knowing them.


--------------------
Ishmael
http://www.ishmael.org

Ron Paul 2008!
http://www.ronpaul2008.com/


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Invisiblezorbman
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: freddurgan]
    #4414009 - 07/17/05 04:54 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

You've got to be kidding me. You are a fantastic person! I'm amazed at this!! You are a great guy. You know it. I know it. What you're referring to is charisma. And that is mainly how someone looks physically, the sound of their voice, etc. Things you have no control over.

You just need to find your niche. You may never be da man or anything, but you can still contribute if you are willing to take a supporting role in the play of life. Occasionaly you may take the lead, but that's unimportant. Just keep your spirits high and find a way to contribute. In time you will find your groove and it will flow from there. If people don't accept you, I will simply fly into your area and whoop some ass..


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“The crisis takes a much longer time coming than you think, and then it happens much faster than you would have thought.”  -- Rudiger Dornbusch


Edited by zorbman (07/17/05 05:10 AM)


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Offlinegoob
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: zorbman]
    #4414073 - 07/17/05 06:29 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Interesting how a little substance can change an entire perspective.
Is it the perspective that we seek to change thru spiritual pursuit?
But lasting change is difficult to achieve.

Being supportive as zorbman encourages, being free with the compliments, picking up the check etc. will ensure your popularity.


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Invisiblemoog
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: freddurgan]
    #4414088 - 07/17/05 06:58 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I'm just wondering, what are the reactions of people when you are around?

Sounds like you're trying too hard to please people. Try to be more challenging. Don't be an asshole, but do some things that you wouldn't normally do, that will bring some attention to you. Disagree with people. Tease people. Challenge their opinions. If people see you as boring or uninteresting you need to challenge their view of you by acting differently. They'll take a new interest in you when you act out of character because it's a side they've never seen before. Easier said than done I know. If you're invited to an event where people are gonna be drinking, don't pass it up... alcohol is really useful for causing pattern interrupts in behavior.


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Invisibleredtailedhawk
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: moog]
    #4414106 - 07/17/05 07:49 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Hey man. The truth is you don't have to bring anything "big" to the relationship, neither do you have to change who you are. All people really want from a friendship is Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation and Affection.

Make THEM the focus of your attention, don't criticize them but accept them as they are, be thankful for their company and from time to time show your affection towards them. You don't have to make jokes or do anything you are not comfortable with.

People love to talk about THEMSELVES  :heart:, so if you ask them questions about their life during the course of the conversation they will leave the table thinking what a great conversationalist you are. That does not mean you should not engage in a conversation, but that the focus of the conversations should be on them.

Do this for a couple of weeks and your phone will never stop ringing.  :wink:


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"Who are you who live in all these many forms? You're death that captures all. You too are the source of all that's gonna be born. You're glory, mercy, peace, truth. You give calm a spirit, understanding, courage, the contented heart."


Edited by redtailedhawk (07/17/05 12:21 PM)


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OfflineDrCubensis
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: redtailedhawk]
    #4414470 - 07/17/05 01:02 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I totally agree with redtailedhawk... that works, I assure you.

I also recommend you reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Some advices here

Good luck bro!


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"Ever tried. Ever failed. Never mind. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." Samuel Beckett.


Edited by DrCubensis (07/17/05 01:05 PM)


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InvisibleShroomOmatic
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: zorbman]
    #4414524 - 07/17/05 01:14 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

zorbman said:
You are a great guy.





If people dont accept you for who you are then what kind of friends are those? You are awsome and deserve better friends.


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OfflineDreamer987
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: freddurgan]
    #4415017 - 07/17/05 04:00 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

If you don't have anything interesting to say, than don't say anything at all.
I'm the quite dude. It's working out o.k. for me.
I find alchohol helps to overcome this problem.


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Offlinefreddurgan
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: Dreamer987]
    #4415139 - 07/17/05 04:47 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Well thanks guys (zorbman!), your replies were good. I'm not exactly sure what I came away knowing, but asking about people is cool. I just wish I knew more interesting stories and shit! These people just tell these crazy stories and keep everyone on their toes, and then I'm thinking like "WTF did I do today? I went to Dairy Queen....". I'm just gonna buck up.


--------------------
Ishmael
http://www.ishmael.org

Ron Paul 2008!
http://www.ronpaul2008.com/


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InvisibleShroomOmatic
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: freddurgan]
    #4420615 - 07/18/05 09:50 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

freddurgan said:
I'm just gonna buck up.




Thats the spirit! :thumbup:


--------------------


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OfflineTangerines
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: ShroomOmatic]
    #4422745 - 07/19/05 11:21 AM (11 years, 8 months ago)

Dude I know the feeling. Most of the time when I hang out with some people other than my direct friends I sorta just sit there and listen to them talk. I guess I am a good listener but I really have nothing to input. People will tell some crazy ass stories and then will be like "hey, why don't you tell us a cool story about you?" and i'll be like "ummm....." and have nothing to say. I Just decided I am more of an observationist than a talker and that is alright. I much rather hear other people talk than myself. And most of the time people enjoy talking about themselves so it works out usually.


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Offlinefreddurgan
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: Tangerines]
    #4423793 - 07/19/05 03:58 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

But doesn't that make you wonder why people want you around at all? If you just sit there and say nothing? Sometimes I always wonder if people want me there at all. It seems like I make the phone calls a lot.


--------------------
Ishmael
http://www.ishmael.org

Ron Paul 2008!
http://www.ronpaul2008.com/


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InvisibleLiz
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: freddurgan]
    #4423836 - 07/19/05 04:06 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

If you've got the attitude that you can't possibly be entertaining or fun to be around, you're setting yourself up for failure.  You seem like an intelligent guy, I'm sure you're interesting to be around.  You don't need to be a clown or loud, just be yourself, and the way I see it is, if people don't like being around you when you're being yourself? 

Fuck them.

And find new friends.

:heart:


--------------------
Remember, remember the fifth of November
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.




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OfflineTangerines
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: Liz]
    #4435689 - 07/21/05 11:21 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

I think my friends are starting to see me as the 'leader' of the group in some senses. I never really wanted to be the leader and I do not see myself as a leader because I am a quiet guy but I guess they are better to choose then I. Best advice is to just go with the flow. Even if it sounds cliche just live and that is the best you can do.


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Offlinemntlfngrs
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: goob]
    #4439128 - 07/22/05 06:58 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

goob said:
being free with the compliments, picking up the check etc. will ensure your popularity.




Are you suggesting that he should be a suck up?


--------------------
Be all and you'll be to end all


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Offlined33p
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: freddurgan]
    #4441053 - 07/23/05 02:57 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Fred please read this whole post. I've been where you are and know how bad it can be and i really want to get you outta there

This whole post is written in the assumption that Fred's friends are today's average young adults ie they encourage(either subtly or openly) conformity. Also i assume that a few of these friends are the archetypal inconsiderate asshole who tend to be more the group leaders. If this is true i see many similarities between me and you in the social realm. Although if im wrong it does not negate my advice which i explain later so please keep reading.

First I'm going to bash some people's advice. sorry, im only trying to help fred

goob: In my experience this is the worst thing you could do. If this feeling is not just in your head fred then expressing anymore weakness such as this in the presence of these "friends" will only further harm you socially. Not only will they treat you like they do now(maybe worse), they will also take advantage of you.

redtailedhawk: Asking people questions about their stories is good conversation advice but should be used only when appropriate ie not all the time. This is where red's good advice for you ends. The world of your friends is a dog eat dog world. You do have to change to become as close knit with them as it seems you want to be(why you want to be? i have no idea). Red's second sentence in his first post is true but you are not involved in a real "friendship." Your attention, loyalty, respect, and all that good stuff doesn't mean jack to these people. You need more. More of what, i'll address later in the post.

Dream897: His advice would work but unfortunately these people don't really seem to be your friends.

Ok now i will address good advice.

Zorbman: Great advice bro. Although to take this advice you are probably going to need to get new friends.

Moog: Moog offers the exact advice you needed to hear if you want to continue to be "friends" with these people. You need to become this type of person who does the types of things moog talks about to be these people's friends. I've seen it before and I've been apart of it before. It sucks and thats why you should make new friends.
One personal story comes to mind where i was "friends" with a group of people who seemed to be like your friends and i was acting much like you. Now alcohol will make me either 1.lovey 2. blah or 3. very very aggressive. On this occasion chilling with these people drinking i became number 3. I was very talkative, i challenged everyone over any little thing(even if i agreed with them), i was looking for fights, i talked shit about people who were present and absent, and participated in the same fucking worthless banter that these fools exchange every day. This contrasted the overly nice, polite, quiet, caring, empathetic, and smart guy that i am normally. I bet you can already guess what happened the next day. All of these "friends" suddenly expressed much more interest in me and said how i great i acted etc. The only problem was that i had turned into someone i hate and never want to become(although its fun while it lasts, i admit[in hindsight only because i was finally accepted and wanted which you can easily feel from a group of real friends while being yourself]). But after a little bit when these people realized it was only the effect of alcohol things returned to normal. This kind of life sucks and the only way to change it is to make new friends.
For lack of a better phrase i would call this attitude and personally these people have embraced as "gall and balls" which you would need to get a healthy supply of to become close knit friends with these people.

ifallapart: Great advice but ends with you needing to change friends. Trust me bro staying around these people longer will only implant this crazy self defeating spiraling notion further into your head and make it harder to get out.

Shroomomatic: great advice

About fred's second post in thread: I can assure you that nearly all of those crazy stories are either made up or greatly exaggerated. Heck i can tell you about this one crazy story where me and some boys get heated and are chased by a crazy mother fucker on a Harley and how it ends up in a near brawl right in the middle of one of the busiest intersections in south miami. This story sounds amazing(the long version is even better) doesn't it? All of that is 100% true but honestly if you where in the car it wasen't anything all that special.
Story telling is a skill and some are better at it than others. Since it seems like this is a big part of your friend's conversations if you want to feel truly accepted you're going to need to employ the proper use of story telling and also questioning to other peoples stories. If this doesn't appeal to you much why be in a group of friends where this is a large part. Theres are tons of people and groups of friend out there who will love and appreciate you for who you are in addition to enjoy talking about similar things.

I've found that most groups of friends tend to mainly talk about one type of thing ie gossip, sports, work, video games, personal stories etc. The trick is to find and get comfortable with a group of people you like and enjoy talking to about stuff. You've been friends with these people for so long that you feel trapped and you forget that, "hey, i can just go out and meet new people." Sure it seems like your never going to meet those new people at first but it will happen and you will be happy to have done it.

Fred's reply to tangerine: Bro you have so much to talk about, you just think(maybe rightly so) that these people don't want to hear it. So guess what? Fuckem and find new friends. You have adopted a very negative self image because you are just not compatible with these people when being yourself and you sense hostility from them. You Dwel on this negative self image and it makes your social skills even worse around them. This is the sad downward spiral that you are taking by staying friends with these people.

Maybe its just been so long and you have forgotten that when you are truly comfortable with the people around you, conversation just flows out of you. Due to the negative self image and the anxiety you experience from the belief that all these people secretly loathe you, your "stream" of conversation is blocked. It may have even become so bad that your stream will be a little blocked even when not around them but with time and some new good friends this will change.

It really may seem impossible to you now(it seemed that way to me) but soon(hopefully sooner rather than later if you take my advice) you will meet new people and feel comfortable; then the conversation is just going to flow out of you, you're not gonna wanna stop talking, and all will be great once again in fred's world. trust me

Sorry for being so redundant but it really is just a simple concept and through my personal experience i understand how the way you feel can cloud your ability to clearly see it.

Well looking back on all that ive written i realize that ive done so without much knowledge of your friends. But regardless of both how your friends act and why you've developed this negative self image you must realize that this image is implanted within you and you will feel it strongly whenever around these friends. Either you are going to change and wipe away this negative self image around these friends(this is quite hard to do. I only suggest this if you really feel like some of your current friendships need salvaging. However wanting to maintain a friendship with some while avoiding the rest is a tricky situation) or you can make new friends and start on a clean slate.

Remember first impressions are everything and once past them its gravy. This is also another reason why it would be very hard for you to meet new people around your current friends as its hard to make a good impression when all you can think about is your negative self image. So if you are going try and meet new people and continue a relationship with your current friends i suggest you keep the two separate either until your negative self image is gone or until you are ready to move fully to your new group of friends.

When i felt these exact and i mean exact same feelings i really thought i was the only one. But as i have learned i am not alone and you are not alone. Go out, meet new people, and have a great time. You are a great guy and anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend. Realize this, please and then change your life, not yourself.


--------------------
I'm a nihilist. Lets be friends.

bang bang


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OfflineScarfmeister
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: freddurgan]
    #4441548 - 07/23/05 05:05 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

I'd hang with you. You wouldn't even have to try and be interesting. We could play some x-box or watch TV or whatever.

People who do voices and shit are retarded anyway.


--------------------
--------------------
We're the lowest of the low, the scum of the fucking earth!


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Offlinehenry21
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: Scarfmeister]
    #4441902 - 07/23/05 09:30 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

well..I think you are still young at age..probably a teenager.
I tell you, I was almost similar to you when I was around 16-19.Infact most teenagers go through this stage. I used to consider myself a a stranger while in groups like you. But with time, I have become an entertainer..in most circles now, I'm the center of all attraction. However I prefer to remain silent still in circles where I don't like some people, but in most circles, I'm the popular one. Thyis change happened to me as i turned 20..now I don't really have to try hard whether to get the attention of other people or even girls. I hope you'll go my way soon. All the best!


--------------------
Try diflucan
for fungal infections


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Offlinefreddurgan
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: henry21]
    #4442900 - 07/23/05 02:12 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Wow, this thread got pretty great.

d33p, man..seriously, that was good. I hear you 100%, but I think MOST of waht you said applies. My friends aren't neccesaily bad for me, and I say this because I have 3 different little cliques that I hang out with, and I've felt the same way around all of them. I just doubt that I can pick people that badly.

ANd yeah, I'm 19. 20 in a month. Things are getting better. After I had a couple dates with some ladies I'm feeling better about myself in general, and that's holding over into my friendships. So it's all me, I'm aware of that. But I'm also aware that there is no problem, and I'm creating it.


--------------------
Ishmael
http://www.ishmael.org

Ron Paul 2008!
http://www.ronpaul2008.com/


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InvisibleSimisu
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Re: Doesn't seem like I bring much to a relationship/friendship/group/etc [Re: freddurgan]
    #4452890 - 07/26/05 12:12 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

i'm going through these exect same problames as well... and i've realized some things about my self in the process that might help you as well

first thing is this, have you ever asked yr self if you're simply bored with these people? deep down inside? maybe they seem cool but they do not contribute anything for YOU...

i relate most to the feeling of not having anything to "bring to the table" even though i fully know i'm VERY capable and i'm a VERY interesting person (sorry if that sounds pretentius but whatever)
so what's the problame? it's the fact that i have high expectations off of people and a conversation... personally i'm sick of bullshit talk "been here been there done this and that saw this or that hay did you know....... bla bla bla bla" i'm looking for "real" comunication with people and its almost impossible to find espacially with people that are not as close to you as you'd like!

also i've found that the fear of sounding stupid or uninteresting or whatever can paralize you to the point that you just fosake your self and relay on others for the creative part of a conversation ie choosing the topic or the creative part of some activety ie where to go and what to do once you're there... and from then on you really don't have anything to bring to the table
when was the last time you called someone with an idea (except "hey lets go smoke some weed" or something of that sort?)

you got to start being selfish in order to be less selfish you know what i mean?

i'm having a hard time explaining my self but i'm guessing that we have a lot in common so you might actualy understand me...


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