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InvisibleZwieback0
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Whats the deal with this girl?
    #1420770 - 04/01/03 01:40 AM (14 years, 1 month ago)

There are so many confusing elements between this girl and myself.  Let me give you a overview on this whole situation, maybe you can answer some questions for me.

There is this girl, who I was never attracted to.  I mean she is a very beautiful girl, but she was never really my type.  She had been going out with one of my friends for quite a long time.  She and I went to the movies one day, and her boyfriend got extremely mad at her for going to the movies with me, an understandable reaction.  Anways, she got really upset and broke up with him, not just because he got mad at her but mostly because he was "too emotional."  So she and I started to hang out every weekend and we had the best time of our lives.  She invited me to go to Nogales Mexico with her one day, but she couldnt go so that day we just hung out all day together. We went off roading, played games, took pictures, watched movies and cuddled together.  It was great.  She kept telling me how much fun she was having with me and how much her ex b/f and their friends were so boring.  We didnt finish a movie that we rented so she invited me over the next day to finish it up, which I gladly accepted and went over the next day after we went to breakfast.  A project we decided to tackle together, before she even broke up with her boyfriend, was to learn how to play the guitar, something we both wanted to do.  When we went back to school about a week later, she seemed like she was back with her boyfriend (BTW, her b/f knows how to play the guitar.)  This threw me completely off guard and confused me.  Many questions entered my mind, like:  "Why would she want to learn how to play the guitar through me when her boyfriend was right there?"  "If she is with a guy, isn't she putting their relationship on the line by hanging out with me all the time? ... Because her b/f is obviously a jealous man."  After this whole ordeal we also decided to join a fitness club together over the summer and do other things that we both havent ever done before.

I think you understand why I would be confused  :confused:  Any comments or questions that you need me to clear things up will be appreciated/answered.

P.S. We have known each other for some time, but we have never gotten this close before.  She isn't the kind of girl to "play" around with a guy, shes pretty genuine.     

Am I completely missing something? 


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InvisibleKOPELANDIAA
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Re: Whats the deal with this girl? [Re: Zwieback0]
    #1420983 - 04/01/03 04:18 AM (14 years, 1 month ago)

...i don't see where is the trouble...she is enjoying your company as a very good friend ! :laugh:


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OfflineFliquid
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Re: Whats the deal with this girl? [Re: Zwieback0]
    #1421186 - 04/01/03 08:51 AM (14 years, 1 month ago)

No comment.


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:dancing: My latest music! :yesnod:


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InvisibleZwieback0
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Re: Whats the deal with this girl? [Re: Fliquid]
    #1421672 - 04/01/03 05:46 PM (14 years, 1 month ago)

Fliquid! I want you to comment! haha.

Anyone have any more input?

I was thinking about just not hanging with her anymore, for my and their relationship's sake. I have inquired many people about this and have gotten mixed comments. Many say stay friends, while other told me to just back off. What do you think?

THANKS


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Offlinediggitydankman
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Registered: 12/10/02
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Re: Whats the deal with this girl? [Re: Zwieback0]
    #1421824 - 04/01/03 07:17 PM (14 years, 1 month ago)

Shit it sounds like you guys are having lots of fun together. Why don't you talk to her about how you feel as this will be the most fool-proof way of figuring out the whole story.


--------------------
"It's only wrong if you get caught.
If consequences dictate
my course of action
I should play GOD."

Maynard James Keenan, Tool


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Offlinezzenix
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Re: Whats the deal with this girl? [Re: diggitydankman] * 1
    #1421970 - 04/01/03 09:00 PM (14 years, 1 month ago)

do you want to have a relationship with her? from a girl's point of view, she was probably just looking for a change, especially if she's been with your friend for a long time. if you want to have a relationship with her, talk to her about it and tell her how you were getting mixed vibes or whatever. either way, you still get to keep her as a friend. as far as your friend goes, just let him know that you're not trying to "steal" her away from him. if hes a cool guy, he'll understand. but if the girl starts going back and forth between the two of you, back off, thats bad news ;p


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OfflineAbFab
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Re: Whats the deal with this girl? [Re: zzenix]
    #1422118 - 04/02/03 02:32 AM (14 years, 1 month ago)

do you like her? i was just recently in the same situation as this girl. i was unhappy and feeling neglected with my boyfirend at the time and i started to hang out much more with one of my guy friends, there was a spark b/t us and he told me he had some feelings for me. our relationship evolved and i started to care a lot about him, but i still desperatly tried to deny the budding relationship and make it work with my boyfriend because we had such a past history and i felt bad b/c i knew that it would hurt him if i broke up with him. in the end however i couldn't save my failing relationship and i realied that i deserved to be happy and now i am dating the guy friend that i had formed such a bond with. this may or may not be similar to what is going on with this girl that you have connected with, if it is, then no worries eventually she'll be all yours.


--------------------
The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when your uncool.


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InvisibleZwieback0
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Re: Whats the deal with this girl? [Re: AbFab]
    #1423467 - 04/02/03 04:49 PM (14 years, 30 days ago)

I actually did talk to her about the way I felt.  She basically told me that she loved hanging out with me and that she was sorry that she might have given me the wrong impression.  She said insisted that we should always hang out.  By that time I was dissapointed and told her that I would have to think it over (the situation.)  I could have done 2 things:  1.  Stop hanging out with her and probably hurt her the way she didnt mean to hurt me or 2.  Still be friends.  I decided to be friends.  I thought things over, but probably confused myself on the long run.  Is it normal for a girl to hang out with 1 sole guy when she has a b/f?  If you were the b/f wouldnt you get jealous and nosy?  Thats the thing, if I had a g/f I would definetly be concerned, I would probably piss in my pants, cry, and huddle in a corner. (probably not, but you know what i mean. :smile: )  And if you were looking for a "change," like zzenix pointed out, and had that much fun, wouldn't you have a change of heart?  I guess Im digging my own grave right now by overthinking it.  Its just a stab in the heart, if you know what I mean...I wish I knew the way she felt about me.  Ive talked to many friends about this and most of them have said that its obvious that she does have feelings for me...  Her boyfriend is a great guy, but I would definetly have the upper hand if it came to the topic of girls; maybe not this one because they've gone out for some time...so maybe she isnt ready to let go of everything they have shared.  Oh well, maybe in the future, she'll change her mind, but I wish them the best. 

Thanks for all your input and more is always better.

Thanks AbFab!  Your comments have shed another perspective that I never realized before and made me very hopeful.  What did you say when the guy told you that he had feeling for you?


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Invisiblez@z.com
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Registered: 10/13/02
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Re: Whats the deal with this girl? [Re: Zwieback0]
    #1423567 - 04/02/03 05:32 PM (14 years, 30 days ago)

Almost the same thing happened to me. I was after this girl and I ended up just becoming friends with her. She is now just a good friend and I am even friends with her boyfriend. It worked out for me (not like I wanted it to, but it is a good friendship now). Give being friends with her a try.


--------------------
"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." - C.S. Lewis

"I would rather be exposed to the inconveniencies attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it." - Thomas Jefferson


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Offlinezzenix
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Re: Whats the deal with this girl? [Re: z@z.com]
    #1423940 - 04/02/03 07:45 PM (14 years, 30 days ago)

i wouldn't be so sure that she has feelings for you...as more than a friend. or she might have, but fleetingly. i dont know if its "normal" for a girl to hang out with only one other guy when she already has a boyfriend, but if i know i'd be pissed if i had a boyfriend who hung out with another girl besides me. but like you said, she might not be ready to let go of everything they've shared---though being with you was fun, she probably doesn't want to give up the relationship she already has. choosing to stay friends was an excellent, mature decision. sorry things didnt work out, but you never know what the future will hold.


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InvisibleZwieback0
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Re: Whats the deal with this girl? [Re: zzenix]
    #1424002 - 04/02/03 08:09 PM (14 years, 30 days ago)

Exactly! Thanks for the input. But MORE perspective from others are always better....so keep em coming !


Edited by Zwieback0 (04/02/03 11:09 PM)


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OfflineAbFab
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Re: Whats the deal with this girl? [Re: Zwieback0]
    #1424542 - 04/02/03 11:43 PM (14 years, 30 days ago)

when he told me that he had feelings for me, i was suprised and flattered and at first i wasn't sure what to say. after he told me that he was interested he was quick to say that he hopeed that it didn't make things weird because he valued my friendship. i told him to not worry about things getting weird, but i made it clear that a relationship was out of the question because i was with my boyfriend (who he knew) and i really wanted to make things work with him because i loved him (but i soon came to realize was no longer in love with him). we agreed to be just friends, but he felt better for having gotten all the feelings out on the table (i think). our friendship continued to evolve, but the knowledge that he had feelings for me made me start thinking differently. i realized that one of the reasons that i was still with my boyfriend at the time was b/c i didn't think that anyone else would ever love me like he did and that i wouldn't be able to find anyone else (i know it is pathetic, but that is how your mind works sometimes). the knowledge that someone (and not just anybody, someone who i really cared about) liked me made me realize that i didn't have to stick with this guy and that i deserved better. i started hanging out with my guy friend more and more (i was with him more than my boyfriend) and i realized that he was really the guy for me. so even though i had done my best to try and keep it just friends, i realized that i was just in denial. but it was something i had to learn on my own, nobody could have told me that i really had strong feelings for my guy friend, i would have denied it, but i eventually discovered on my own that i was absolutely crazy about him.


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The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when your uncool.


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InvisibleZwieback0
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Re: Whats the deal with this girl? [Re: AbFab]
    #1424728 - 04/03/03 12:38 AM (14 years, 30 days ago)

Update

Wow, powerful story!  I'm glad everything worked out for you.  Hopeully the girl I have been mentioning has the same outlook you had.  Thanks a lot for replying AbFab, your situation certainly parallels mine to such a perfecte extent and I appreciate you for expressing your feelings, especially from "the girl in the middle" point of view. 

I talked to the girl today, shes will be out over the weekend but I told her that we should do something together after she returened.  I even told her that we should hang out only if she wanted to... she was really excited about the idea and schedueled the following week after this one to hang out together at parties and just spend the day together.  Im looking forward to it.  We will be learning how to play the guitar together soon and she will teach me how to horse back ride :smile:



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InvisibleZwieback0
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Re: Whats the deal with this girl? [Re: Zwieback0]
    #1426649 - 04/03/03 05:27 PM (14 years, 29 days ago)

any more valuable comments?


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Invisibleseti
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Registered: 12/31/02
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Re: Whats the deal with this girl? *DELETED* [Re: Zwieback0]
    #1426665 - 04/03/03 05:34 PM (14 years, 29 days ago)

Post deleted by seti


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InvisibleZwieback0
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Re: Whats the deal with this girl? [Re: seti]
    #1426897 - 04/03/03 07:41 PM (14 years, 29 days ago)

Seti, thanks for taking the time to express your feeling about my situation, but I think you may have gotten the wrong idea. In part, it may be my fault for not compiling a more thou rough outline. Let me take this time to clear up some of the misconceptions that may be lingering out there about my relationship with this girl...

Also, Seti I hope you don't take these comments personally because that is not my intent. I just wish you could re-evaluate and answer my questions. personal thanks.

Quote:

> ...you are attracted to her, i.e. sexually (how else?). Your first post implies the fact but never actually states it...




In my first post, I stated that I never ?liked her before because she was never really my type? was my way to articulate on the fact that I never considered the probable prospects of a blooming relationship with her. My perspective on the situation changed when I spent time with her and realized how much I enjoyed her company.

Quote:

> You have demonstrated your willingness to be a constant supplicator (btw, supplicator is not a noun, but a verb) in your interactions with her.




Supplicate: To make a humble, earnest petition; beg.
How am I begging? I don?t understand, maybe you can clear that up for me.

Quote:

> Her boyfriend doesn't have to cuddle with her because you're doing the job already.



?? Positive or Negative?

Quote:

> You hurt yourself by creating expectations.



I agree. I expected too much from something. But isn't that human nature? We usually expect the best, not the worst.

But I added the comment that:
I could
Quote:

> Stop hanging out with her and probably hurt her the way she didn?t mean to hurt me



If you lost a friend of three years over an awkward situation, wouldn?t you be emotionally hurt?

Quote:

> It's up to you to make it happen man!



Most definitely. That is why we are taking up many activities together, spending more time with each other.

Quote:

> wtf? are you her slave?



No I am not her slave. When I said, ?I even told her that we should hang out only if she wanted to,? was my way to convey consideration, kindness, and sympathy that I respect her as a person. I made it into a ?two way street? for her. Personally I was ready to spend more time with her, but if she wasn?t ?ready? like I was, I don?t think it would have been appropriate for me to push her into something she didn?t want to do. By asking her and giving her choices, it also gave me an opportunity to let her know that I wasn?t going to be coercing on the topic.

Hopefully I will hear from all of you soon!


Edited by Zwieback0 (04/03/03 07:46 PM)


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Invisibleseti
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Registered: 12/31/02
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Re: Whats the deal with this girl? *DELETED* [Re: Zwieback0]
    #1427280 - 04/03/03 11:40 PM (14 years, 29 days ago)

Post deleted by seti


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InvisibleZwieback0
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Re: Whats the deal with this girl? [Re: seti]
    #1427303 - 04/04/03 12:12 AM (14 years, 29 days ago)

Quote:

So you want to have sex with this girl right? Please answer this.



No its not my intention to get close to her in order to have sex.
Quote:

I'm trying to convey the message: women don't have sex with their sensitive guy friends; why should they when they are treated like a queen on a pedestal?



I don?t know if I totally agree with your perspective, but I respect your view.
Quote:

Sounds like you're begging to hang out with her and be her friend based strictly on her terms.



No this is not how our relationship is based. We both voice our ideas on when it would be best for us to get together, then we accommodate each other?s scheduele.
Quote:

don't expect your desires to be fully consummated, now or in the future. The aforementioned fact breeds only frustration.



You cant be more correct!
Quote:

You wouldn't stop hanging out with her because you think it could hurt her? You're putting this girl on a pedestal way above earth.



Then would you advise me to break up out friendship in order to lower the ?pedestal??
Quote:

MORE TIME?! It's been 3 years!



Well, I?ve known of her for 3 years, I may have not directly implied that fact. We occasionally talked and hung out when we were with other friends. More time now would be time with each other..
Quote:

What makes you think you have the power to push/convince "her into something she didnt want to do" in the first place? How did you make a two way street when you're giving her all the power in these interactions? You gave her so many options you left none to yourself.



You seemed to have contradicted yourself. First you said that I had all the power in this situation by indicating that I had all the power, then you said she had all the power in the end. But that is not my point. I will not let her control my life, as I will not control hers, therefore I want to be considerate and give her choices.

Thanks for posting again Seti, I value your comments.

Personally, I think that there is nothing wrong in pampering women and placing her high on your ?pedestal? if your intentions are highly regarded.


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Invisibleseti
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Registered: 12/31/02
Posts: 92
Re: Whats the deal with this girl? *DELETED* [Re: Zwieback0]
    #1427345 - 04/04/03 12:36 AM (14 years, 29 days ago)

Post deleted by seti


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InvisibleZwieback0
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Re: Whats the deal with this girl? [Re: seti]
    #1427427 - 04/04/03 01:19 AM (14 years, 29 days ago)

realtionship...


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