Auto-SummaryThis forum post recounts the author's tumultuous journey with psychadelics and a romantic relationship with her boyfriend. The author experienced intense, emotionally charged trips with her boyfriend and a mutual female friend, which ultimately led to the boyfriend developing schizophrenia and her feeling betrayed by the female friend's intentions. The author is now questioning the strength of their bond and seeking advice on how to connect more deeply with her boyfriend during trips. The post concludes with the author expressing her desire to be with her boyfriend despite the challenges, and asking for insight into increasing their closeness.
tryingtobepure said:
I first off apologize if this post comes off as ignorant... I just started my journey with psychadelics this past July and am still in the early stages of learning (or unlearning haha).
Anyhow, I began tripping on l with a guy I fell in love with who is now my boyfriend of six months... he has been tripping for years and probably eaten 500 hits. Our first trip together was very frightening for me, but beautiful. It took place in a group setting, which eased some of the tension. I did feel a sense of belonging with him, and everyone commented on the pink aura they saw above us.
The next time we tripped took place about a month later, where we had a really deep expirience... we were staring at eachother's faces, when his third eye appeared and grabbed me into him. I saw into what I believed was his past, although he had never told me of those events (really specific ones of parental abuse, it was as though I jumped into his pain). After I came out of it though, I asked him if they had occured, and he confirmed that they did.
Another two weeks passed by, and this is where things started getting a little frustrating... we did a one on one trip, which I found to be very difficult and irritating at times; mainly because I didn't understand the fragmented thoughts he was mumbling. Additionally because he has very bad paranoia and would rearrange the words in my sentences, accusing me of saying something negative towards him.
We kind of went on an acid binge until early December, and our relationship really detioriated during this time. The majority of our trips were one on one, taking place in our small bed room. By the end of the trip, I would be really irritated with him, due to increasing paranoia and just what felt like too much time together. This really worried me, because it felt like a sign as though we weren't meant for eachother. And that ofcourse left me very frightened, because I love him dearly...
Backtrack to mid November... we decided to have a group trip with a female friend of his and one of her friends. He has formed a very close friendship with this girl over the past couple of years, so they have tripped many times together. I found myself really frustrated with my lack of connection to him during that trip especially... he and this girl seem to think on the same frequency, which I still don't feel I am thinking on. They would laugh randomly at things I didn't understand, which made me feel as though they were keeping secrets about me, from me. Also, they would stare at eachother for long periods of time, which I later found out was due to telepathic expiriences they were having.
Over the next month, this female basically tried to cut me out of the equation, so she could be with boyfriend. She was sending him pictures of herself, ect... which led me to express my feelings on the situation to her. She claimed that I "misunderstood" their friendship, but knew that my boyfriend loved me, which meant they had to cut ties.
During the time of them "cutting ties", my boyfriend developed very apparent symptoms of schizophrenia. He would accuse me of cheating on him and lying to him nearly every hour of the day, which drove me up a wall seeing as I would never dream of such a thing. He also grew increasingly depressed, and I could tell he missed his friend. So around Christmas time, I sent her a message explaining that it was not my goal to disrupt their friendship, but rather to establish appropriate boundaries since he now had a girlfriend. She apologized for being out of line, and we all started hanging out again.
My boyfriends happiness skyrocketed once she was back in his life, and he would just light up like I had never seen him before in her presence. I asked him if there was something going on between them, but he denied it everytime, saying he could never be with her.
We all tripped together a few nights ago, and everytime I would be sharing some type of moment with my boyfriend, she would steal him away from me, stair into him, and they would enter their telepathic state. I must admit that I am envious of this connection, because I feel that it is very personal... and with her past actions, that made me very uncomfortable.
I was very uncomfortable actually the entire trip. Her and my boyfriend would connect on their frequency and go into the endless laughter, and she would also call him and everyone else into different rooms except for me. After about the fifth time of this happening, I was going insane wondering what secret everyone was keeping from me and started bawling my eyes out. My boyfriend has left the other room with the rest of our friends to come sit with me though, so we started watching the quantam activist.
During a portion of the documentary that discussed duality, it clicked in my head that they were inlove with eachother, and better meant for eachother than he and I. I didn't want to think this though, since he is my world, so figured that it would be better to discuss with her when we were sober. So I went to pick up my phone and send her a short message asking if we could talk, when I noticed that she was still logged into her facebook account. And something told me to read through her messages.
On there, I found a conversation between the two of them, where she stated that she "couldn't wait to see how things turned out", that she was only "trying to be nice to me for his sake", and that "if we (my boyfriend and I) ever did split, she would drop her current boyfriend in a heartbeak". and my boyfriend has responded in favor of her suggestion... there last conversation line was from her, stating how happy she was that she discovered "they were going to be together forever".
So I started freaking out. And bawling uncontrollably... the next 5 hours were hell, and my boyfriend ended up admitting to being inlove with both of us. I left as soon as I was sober enough, because I couldn't take the heartbreak and having to see her, knowing how she and he both betrayed me. And honestly, as much as she has angered me, I would want my boyfriend to be with her if that was his destiny... because his happiness superceeds mine in my mind.
My boyfriend claimed that while he was stairing at her after I'd left, her face turned into mine (he had also seen my face transform into hers a few months ago whilst tripping) and that he saw us on "our path", which reassured him that I was his soulmate. I was very angry over the whole situation though, especially since he just let it happen. And after much arguing, he finally sent her a message saying that she had crossed the line and needed to respect me more... although he was very hesistant to do this, because he didn't want to hurt her feeling (even though I had been crying for five hours straight by this time).
She responded to him saying that she apologized and realized that they weren't meant for eachother, while also sending me a message of apology and promise to make things right. I really am struggling to believe both of them at this point, but love my boyfriend so much that I can't leave him.
I feel that if I had a stronger spiritual connection with my boyfriend, it would strengthen my relationship and eliminate her attempts to break us up. I have tried and tried but can still not tap into his mind. I'm honestly very discouraged with the lack of closeness I feel towards him while tripping, especially since I feel so close to him while sober.
If I am lacking a strong spiritual connection after having tripped consistently with my boyfriend for the past six months, does that mean we're not meant for eachother? Does the other girl's connection with him indicate that they are meant for one another? How can I get onto his wavelength and bond with his mind? I have been trying to get closer to him while tripping for months, but feel like we've really gotten nowhere. And the only way I see me being happy is honestly through spending the rest of my life with him... so I would really love to be able to relinquish the type of power the other female has.
Does anyone have any insight to offer on how to increase closeness with a significant other during a trip? I just am desperatley desiring a deeper understanding of him, especially since his (still occasional) shcizophrenic tendinies make communication through words difficult. What can I do to get on his frequency? Any types of meditative exercises? Any advice is greatly appreciated...
Sucks to be in those shoes, especially if you're fairly young and developing your identity still. You've probably merged some of your identity with this relationship, perhaps it's your first relationship with serious emotions involved. But it's best not to worry about losing it when it leaves you crying for hours and hours. Think about it, do you really want to hold on to a part of yourself that leaves you crying for hours and hours?
My guess is that he has his own set of choices to make. I fell into a similar situation with my girlfriend and another woman. During a particularly strong trip I felt entwined with this other woman. Thoroughly entwined. It messed with me for quite some time and my girlfriend also complained of feeling distant or disconnected when we would trip. What I eventually came to conclude was that it was sensual desire I was struggling with and illusions of its permanence. I told myself that I would stay where I was for one year, and if one year later I still felt as strongly about this other woman as I did in that moment, I would go for it.
So for a good six or more months I struggled with thoughts of this other woman while in a relationship. Music at work would remind me of her, call me to her. Dreams haunted me, pulled at my heart and left me craving. But they eventually started to fade into the distance. At the end of the year it just so happened that financial stress coupled with a move resulted in my relationship ending. And like clockwork, the other woman reappeared in my life. I only realized it had been exactly one year after checking a journal entry.
Now at this point you might be expecting that I thought, oh, it was meant to be and it was time to run off with my dream gal. But that wasn't it at all. With my time I hadn't just been longing and pining. I had also been exploring and evaluating. Like a kid who eats a piece of chocolate cake and then after finishing finds himself wanting more of the sweetness. Except instead of just blindly wanting more, I wondered why I wanted more.
I explored it from many angles. I did tarot readings about various aspects and various futures. I meditated quite a lot. The topic came up in solo psychedelic trips. I spoke about it with close friends. And perhaps the most telling thing was how I reacted when the dreams and illusions of their permanence started to fade. I wanted them back! I wanted to feel that strongly, that passionately, that aflame FOREVER! Like a drug addict who is no longer getting his fix.
I view the sort of entangling I experienced as very strong but very rarely if ever the result of anything positive, and just as rarely resulting in anything positive. Your current situation IMO is a perfect example. If his bond with this other girl were a positive thing, why has so much suffering resulted? As soon as she was gone, he was broken. As soon as she is back, you are broken. And now you're both left trying to piece together two broken people.
IMO you both have choices to make. And if I have any advice for you after relating my own personal experience, it's that you cannot make his choices for him. You can only choose for yourself which direction to go from here. It seems to me that something on your end is causing suffering also. Perhaps you're guilty of being a junkie wanting a fix in your own way.
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