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 jono
misc.
Registered: 05/10/02
Posts: 137
Loc: Sydney, Australia
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
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 What do I do not to hurt someone I care about?? 
#1687722 - 07/05/03 09:29 AM (20 years, 9 months ago) |
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Hey everyone,
I normally wouldnt bother other people with my problems, but Ive ended up in a situation that has really got me stuck. Ive been seeing a girl from uni for the last few months, and we've starting having a relationship. Anyway we went out for dinner and a movie last night, and at the end of the night I was telling her my feelings for her (we'd gone out together a few times previously, but Id never told her how I felt about her). Anyway she said that she wanted to take things slower (I thought I was going slow enough, as I felt that she probably hadnt been out with a guy before, due to going to an all girls private high school and having protective parents). Then in the car on the way home she told me that her dad was an alcoholic who used to get violent, and that her mum had split with him, and that she had trouble trusting men, and couldnt understand why I liked her etc etc! The night ended with her crying in my arms for about 5 minutes.
Now I like this girl, she is very beautiful and a wonderful person, she shares my interests in buddhism, spirituality and life, but last night has sent some serious alarm bells going off in my head. My brain is telling me to get the hell out of there before it gets any more serious, or risk some serious troubles down the track. At the same time I feel tremendous compassion for what shes been through, and If i do break things off now after she told me all that, I feel like I might leave her with some more psychological wounds. I would really appreciate any advice on how to best deal with this situation.
With Metta,
Jono.
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Our problem results from acting like cowboys on a limitless frontier when in truth we inhabit a living spaceship with a finely balanced life-support system." David C. Korton
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Anonymous #1
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Re: What do I do not to hurt someone I care about?? [Re: jono]
#1687952 - 07/05/03 12:11 PM (20 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
jono said:
If i do break things off now after she told me all that, I feel like I might leave her with some more psychological wounds.
thats weird, she wants you stay, buy making you feel bad for her, but she wants to take things slow.
I understand your compassion to help her. I would want to do the same too. she needs to see a doctor. She will put you through loops if she doesn't get help. I have a friend that has gone through a similar thing. She would say she was pregant but wouldn't show him the results. then she would say she has had a miscarriage. then the process repeats.
it ultimatly up to you but I wouldn't be with her, unless I knew she can deal with this on her own.
peace
zerohero
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 djfrog
omgws!!!1!
Registered: 10/22/00
Posts: 3,710
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Re: What do I do not to hurt someone I care about?? [Re: jono]
#1687965 - 07/05/03 12:18 PM (20 years, 9 months ago) |
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Wait so what is the problem exactly? Yes some people have fucked up pasts that make them fucked up people. I don't hear that this is the case with her though, you haven't said that she's been pathological in the past and now she's willing to talk about it and maybe deal with it. Yes you could definately hurt her if you reject her after she opens up like that- why are you considering it though?
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Faaip_De_Oiad
as above, so below
 
Registered: 05/29/01
Posts: 1,947
Loc: Malice, Tx
Last seen: 1 year, 7 months
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Re: What do I do not to hurt someone I care about?? [Re: djfrog]
#1688122 - 07/05/03 02:04 PM (20 years, 9 months ago) |
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you really shouldn't get rid of her just based on her fucked up past, I mean, it might be hard, and it might get messy, but just point her towards some therapy, and try to stick it out.
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jono
misc.
Registered: 05/10/02
Posts: 137
Loc: Sydney, Australia
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
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Re: What do I do not to hurt someone I care about?? [Re: Faaip_De_Oiad]
#1688599 - 07/05/03 06:38 PM (20 years, 9 months ago) |
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Thanks for the advice guys. Its not that I want to get rid of her based on her fucked up past, its just that after what she said I am worried that if we do end up having a relationship and things dont work out, its going to leave her even worse off than she was before. She told me that due to her Dad's violence she has trouble trusting men etc, I am worried that If we get together and she ends up trusting me, and then we break up, I can see it having a serious impact on her psyche.
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Our problem results from acting like cowboys on a limitless frontier when in truth we inhabit a living spaceship with a finely balanced life-support system." David C. Korton
Edited by jono (07/05/03 09:08 PM)
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Cherk
Fashionable
Registered: 10/25/02
Posts: 46,493
Loc: International 
Last seen: 1 year, 5 months
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Re: What do I do not to hurt someone I care about?? [Re: jono]
#1688792 - 07/05/03 08:28 PM (20 years, 9 months ago) |
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Do what your heart tells you to do.
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I have considered such matters.
SIKE
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Strumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 12 years, 10 months
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Re: What do I do not to hurt someone I care about?? [Re: jono]
#1688812 - 07/05/03 08:36 PM (20 years, 9 months ago) |
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man why would you want somebody with so much baggage? do you really want to put up with this stress, drama, and pressure?
If so, then hooray have fun with her!
If not, then hit the road, Jono! 
let us know how things turn out man!
(Remember, this is just my opinion... what the hell do I know?)
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Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE
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trev
comming out of retirement
Registered: 04/02/03
Posts: 871
Loc: Aussie
Last seen: 12 years, 11 months
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Re: What do I do not to hurt someone I care about?? [Re: Strumpling]
#1689416 - 07/06/03 02:11 AM (20 years, 9 months ago) |
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Some times the best people are made through adverse conditions by bending and stressing all the senses we become different and sometimes more understanding/interesting(is this not what we do to ourselves when we trip). Now if youre life has been a walk in the park then you may have trouble getting on a level.
But if she is going to drag you down with all her past shit then look after # 1 and dont end up with an emotionaly dependant hassle. But you say you liked her and then she backed off only to tell you whats really on her mind not youre usual "hows work" "fine and you" crap this means she trusts you thats cool. I usually tell my g/fs my deepest secrets at the start of a relationship so I am no longer a mystery and we can see weather I am just wasting time. So mabe she is trying to test you and throw the ball in youre park to see if its over now or going the next level.
EDIT; I dont know about you but I never ramble on about all my good points
this way they expect the worst then they arent dissapointed when they get to know me and they admire the person I have become through all the shit.
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Anonymous #14
[quote]There are billions of people on this planet. The world does not revolve around the united states, moron. I hope terrorists crash their collective cocks into your asshole. [/quote]
Edited by trev (07/06/03 02:18 AM)
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djfrog
omgws!!!1!
Registered: 10/22/00
Posts: 3,710
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Re: What do I do not to hurt someone I care about?? [Re: jono]
#1690262 - 07/06/03 02:11 PM (20 years, 9 months ago) |
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"
Thanks for the advice guys. Its not that I want to get rid of her based on her fucked up past, its just that after what she said I am worried that if we do end up having a relationship and things dont work out, its going to leave her even worse off than she was before. She told me that due to her Dad's violence she has trouble trusting men etc, I am worried that If we get together and she ends up trusting me, and then we break up, I can see it having a serious impact on her psyche.
"
Well ok breakups are never fun, but if that was a reason not to try then no one would be in a relationship ever. What she could probably use is a regular relationship, with the regular giddiness at the beginning, discovery of bullshit in the middle, and eventual termination of all that was good. No serious its a process everyone needs to go through to figure out what they want in another person.
There's a difference between a relationship not working out and having trust betrayed.
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