EternalCowabunga said:
I have basically had chronic anxiety since I was little. As a child I had night terrors and as an adolescent I was scared to go to the mall because I felt like people could see right through me.
Lately my anxiety has been acting up again. I believe that drugs, masturbation, sports or art cannot relieve me of my condition - these were things I turned to in the past. The one thing that has worked for me recently has been crying.
I felt so anxious yesterday that I was pacing around in almost a circle, teeth clenched, shoulders tight at my sides. I told my mom that I didn't want to fall back into that dark place I had been before.. and that I believed anxiety was the reason I got addicted to drugs, got addicted to porn, got addicted to the internet. I was scared because I woke up yesterday and the first thought that popped up into my mind was suicide.
(By the way I should mention I am a healthy person physically. I eat well, swim rigorously every day, and practice yoga twice a day.)
So my mom decided to give me a massage to help me out. After a few minutes I did feel some tension relieved and I started crying. I starting crying harder and harder, just trying to let it all out. Then I started primal screaming, screaming as hard as I could coming from my emotional pain inside of guilt and shame. This continued for about half an hour until my parents threatened to take me to the hospital.
Then I felt anger as my brother came into my room and laughed at me for crying. I got so angry I got right up to him, but instead of hurting him I started hurting myself. I didn't want to direct my anger at another person but I have just the right amount of little self-respect to hurt myself a little bit, banging my head into things.
My parents said that they were scared and wanted to take me to the hospital. I walked towards the car and then I started walking away and my dad grabbed me. I started elbowing him and pushing him away from me. I started feeling better after this point, maybe because I had just tried something new and there is joy to be had in discovering something new (your dad is no longer intimidating, you can overpower him..).
In the end, I decided that I didn't want to go to the hospital but I'd go anyway. Now I'm spending a few days here voluntarily as it is a nice escape from the real world.
I still very anxious and still struggle with the guilt and anger and shame, but I found it to be an interesting experience. At the height of my crying, I confessed something horrible I had done in the past.
I realized that I still have secrets that I haven't told anyone, and that I have issues with trust. When I can finally trust someone enough, I can get these things off my chest and hopefully be relieved of my guilt and shame and my anxiety.
EternalCowabunga said:
I have basically had chronic anxiety since I was little. As a child I had night terrors and as an adolescent I was scared to go to the mall because I felt like people could see right through me.
Lately my anxiety has been acting up again. I believe that drugs, masturbation, sports or art cannot relieve me of my condition - these were things I turned to in the past. The one thing that has worked for me recently has been crying.
I felt so anxious yesterday that I was pacing around in almost a circle, teeth clenched, shoulders tight at my sides. I told my mom that I didn't want to fall back into that dark place I had been before.. and that I believed anxiety was the reason I got addicted to drugs, got addicted to porn, got addicted to the internet. I was scared because I woke up yesterday and the first thought that popped up into my mind was suicide.
(By the way I should mention I am a healthy person physically. I eat well, swim rigorously every day, and practice yoga twice a day.)
So my mom decided to give me a massage to help me out. After a few minutes I did feel some tension relieved and I started crying. I starting crying harder and harder, just trying to let it all out. Then I started primal screaming, screaming as hard as I could coming from my emotional pain inside of guilt and shame. This continued for about half an hour until my parents threatened to take me to the hospital.
Then I felt anger as my brother came into my room and laughed at me for crying. I got so angry I got right up to him, but instead of hurting him I started hurting myself. I didn't want to direct my anger at another person but I have just the right amount of little self-respect to hurt myself a little bit, banging my head into things.
My parents said that they were scared and wanted to take me to the hospital. I walked towards the car and then I started walking away and my dad grabbed me. I started elbowing him and pushing him away from me. I started feeling better after this point, maybe because I had just tried something new and there is joy to be had in discovering something new (your dad is no longer intimidating, you can overpower him..).
In the end, I decided that I didn't want to go to the hospital but I'd go anyway. Now I'm spending a few days here voluntarily as it is a nice escape from the real world.
I still very anxious and still struggle with the guilt and anger and shame, but I found it to be an interesting experience. At the height of my crying, I confessed something horrible I had done in the past.
I realized that I still have secrets that I haven't told anyone, and that I have issues with trust. When I can finally trust someone enough, I can get these things off my chest and hopefully be relieved of my guilt and shame and my anxiety.
Listen up brother. To one degree or another we are all in the same boat. No guru will save you and no god will change anything. This is life. Your life. Nobody is up there watching to make sure things go right or get resolved. You are, like everyone else, expendable. You got a raw deal. If you have experienced anxiety your whole life (like I did) then it's directly related to mater and pater. Very few people can stand to hear this or to look deeply into it. The best thing I ever did to begin to relieve my anxiety is put three thousand miles between me and my family and my old life. Now of course you will still have all your "demons" to deal with but some of the pressure will be off. You can start to build a life for yourself and maybe find a friend that counts.
All the suff you are dealing with can only be dealt with by you and you alone. And you can. I've always thought you were a pretty good guy here with something to say. You may find you have the strength to make a change.
--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.
" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.
With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC
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