I don't know where to start so bare with me a little bit. Lil background, I smoke a couple days a week and havent done anything else except drinking on the weekends. Last time i did shrooms was summer. Lately it just feels like ive been hit like a brick. Today i have realized that maybe i do need to see a therapist or something of that sort. Lately, i've been staying up all night, unable to sleep, then finally going to bed around 5-6am.The semester just started, and i've missed a significant amount of classes because of this. I just cant seem to sleep, then sleep all day.
When I smoke, I get very introverted. I start thinking about everything in my life. It feels like its there deep down and when I smoke it brings it out. I feel extremely self conscious, depressed, think about everything wrong in my life.
My parents and mine relationship is strained. Ive done some pretty stupid things while living at home. Going out drinking, smoking pot, cigarettes, etc when its against their house rules. (m drinking is social, I dont drink by myself). I recently broke up with my girlfriend who I loved, but I treated her badly and did some things that strained our relationship as well. It breaks my heart to know that she is with other guys now. She doesnt affect me anyway socially, I dont walk around mopping, but when I think about her my heart just races sometimes, and i feel something thats so hard to describe, its not pleasant at all. I seem to have a problem with messing up relationships with people close to me. Another problem.
I feel like some of my friends arent really true friends. I feel like people talk behind my back, but at the same time i am close with them and they probably arent. I constantly feel like all my moves are being watched and judged, and i hate this mind frame. My ex has a lot to do with this as well, i always wonder if she hears something about me and just laughs. Its weird but i dont know why i think it.
I have goals. I want to get a business degree and get a good job and make a life. I want to go to the gym more, get a good nights sleep, stay on top of my classes, save money, pick up a new hobby like playing the guitar, but for some reason I just dont. I'm so lazy, yet i know i would most likely be happier by accomplishing what i want. I just dont want to expend the energy, and i cant figure out why.
Thing is I know I dont have it hard. I have the chance to go through school without debt and earn a great education. I live at home, I have a car, I have a bunch of opportunites if I apply myself. Instead, I'm nocturnal, I miss my classes, I'm getting bad grades and pissing away money, but for some reason I'm not doing what I KNOW i need to do. I have all these goals, but I dont do anything to accomplish them.
I'm just sooo confused lately. I have all these thoughts and I dont know how to handle them. I cant seem to get my shit together, and I get pretty down. Ive read some of the self help things online, and I think to myself what a great idea, im going to start tomorrow. Then I dont. Just like my other goals. I also want to quit smoking cigs, but i cant do that either. I dont have the will power.
I feel like nothing about me is special, my character is weak if I cant keep promises to even myself.
I really dont know what to do. My ex has a big effect on me, and everything else thats going on just makes it even worse. Its so hard to get over.
Sometimes I just think, and it feels like my stomach just drops, and I hate who i am, i hate that im not with my ex, i hate that im so fucking lazy, i hate that im not making my parents proud, and that im not making any progress in my life. I love being with my friends, and not worrying about a thing, but so far this hasnt gotten me anywhere.
I havent had any sucidial thoughts and I KNOW i would never ever come to that conclusion. Ive thought about what owuld happen if I just died, and I wondered how badly my ex would miss me. I dont know why she revovles around so many of my thoughts, its just weird. But i do know that life is too precious, and what im feeling now, for the next month, or couple months, isnt worth making some ass-irrational decision like that.
What do I do? Any suggestions? I do realise everything is temporary. I know ill be happier at some point. If you think I need to see someone to talk to, then let me know, but id also like to hear personal accounts or words of encouragement. I need to make a change right now..Somethings gotta change...
thank you if you actually read, i know its a lot to digest, i still feel like i could just fucking ramble about how i feel right now. just alotta thoughts, no actions....
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