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I am a monster
    #9549422 -

The cruelty with which I treat others is reprehensible.  I'm not a psychopath; I do feel intense guilt and remorse for my actions.  The saddest part of all is that I direct my hatred towards those who are kind and care deeply for me.  I want so badly to change my ways and make those around me feel happy, and I have pledged to do this on numerous occasions, but I always fail.  I immediately fall back into my old patterns of behavior.

Growing up, I was forced to watch my father constantly verbally and emotionally abuse my mother.  I don't know if this type of behavior has been ingrained into my psyche or if I am just plain evil, but it seems that I am unable to control it no matter how hard I try.

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9549427 -

Go murder someone who deserves it, get your life sentence. Get this over with now.

Good day.

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #9549448 -

I am not a violent person.  The abuse which I inflict on others is psychological in nature.

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9549455 -

Grow up and stop blaming daddy for your immaturity.

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9549494 -

Are you really that bad? What kind of stuff do you do?

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #9549502 -

I'm not going to go into detail.

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9549504 -

Fair enough. I was just wondering if you were being to hard on yourself. Lots of people judge themselves to harshly, we all make mistakes. I know i make them regularly.

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9549507 -

Hard to tell if you're evil or not if you won't tell us what you do that's so evil. You might actually be a great guy who has a terrible guilt complex. I mean it kinda sounds that way without anything to back up your anonymous assertion of monstrosity.

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #9549525 -

I don't want to be told that I'm a great guy (I am not) or that I'm being too hard on myself.  I want to understand why it is that this type of behavior feels so natural to me, like a reflex.  I am irritated by people so easily.  I want to give people a chance but whenever I do I find myself becoming so irritated by the most minute aspects of their behavior that I have to close my eyes and take deep breaths just to keep from fucking losing it.

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9549546 -

Fuck people. They're stupid. I have too much patience for them, myself. It leads me into really annoying situations.

If you hate everyone around you, get away.

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #9549566 -

That has its limits, however.  One must still interact with family and those that he comes into contact with on a regular basis.  In fact, it is my family in particular that I would like to shield from my sadistic tendencies.  They have been so kind to me, and I wish that I was able to treat them accordingly, but I feel as if I am literally consumed by hatred and frustration.

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9549584 -

Have you considered talking to a therapist? It might help a lot to have someone to talk to about it.

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #9549597 -

I have talked to several, and I hate them.  They lead you on to think that they're your friend, but I doubt they even remember your name the second you leave the office.

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9549614 -

Subconscious. Its ingrained since childhood. Dont blame yourself, its not your inherent personality, as children we're not in control of how we are moulded.

You CAN change though, and professional help may be a good starting point.

Dont expect a therapist to be your friend!! Thats insane. an you imagine being a professional and getting emotionally involved in every client? Itd make you go mad, its impossible. They're not a friend, they're friendly though, and they're there to sort you out.

As uch as I hate Philosophy and Spirituality at the moment, there have been good posts there on this sort of thing in the past. Maybe have a look there.

But if you're going to change, its going to be hard and gruelling work and itll happen much sooner if you see a therapist and trust them.

Good luck

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9554190 -

Quote:
Anonymous #1 said:
They lead you on to think that they're your friend, but I doubt they even remember your name the second you leave the office.


Is that you or your dad talking?

Whatever you do, find a way to work on your bad habit, stop justifying it.  The rest of the world won't treat you nice if you are not nice to it. 

People with a chip on their shoulder get shitkicked in life.

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9554213 -

You're an asshole. Live with it.

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9554239 -

You need to open-mindedly visit a counselor and tell him/her what you wont tell us.

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9554444 -

Anonymous #1 said:
I'm not going to go into detail.


Then we can't really provide an accurate analysis on the situation.

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #10]
    #9554578 -

it sounds like you're very irritable and mean towards people you perceive as "weak."  that's probably because you are projecting the weakness you hate inside yourself onto those around you.  it's a hard realization to make so you probably won't agree with me here but i honestly think it's the most likely explanation. 
you saw your father being an asshole to the people you loved as a child, and couldn't do anything to stop it; you were weak against him.  and you probably felt guilty for not being able to protect your family against him.  now, you hate anyone you think is "weak" (even if it's only your own weakness you see in them).

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Re: I am a monster [Re: Anonymous #11]
    #9554666 -

Anonymous #11 said:
it sounds like you're very irritable and mean towards people you perceive as "weak."  that's probably because you are projecting the weakness you hate inside yourself onto those around you.


This part is dead on.

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