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Re: My secret crush [Re: niteowl]
    #6965700 -

Quote:

All this has been done time and time again. She says she is going to start doing "X" but never follows through with it. Always falls back into her old habits. I'm hoping this cancer scare will open her eyes to the need for her to take care of herself.

She has some serious traumatic issues from her childhood that still haunts her today. She suffers from PTSD because of it. That is one of the reasons I have been with her so long. I know it is hard for her to make the needed changes in her life.......but my patience has a limit.......and it is almost reached.


So, it's all her fault. It's her fault for developing CANCER?! It's her fault for having a horrible childhood, and marrying a man who she thought would help raise a family in an atmosphere that is healthier than the one she grew up in? Are you reading what you write? I hate to say this because I don't know you besides from what you write, but it sounds like you have failed this woman just as much as she's failed you.

Quit blaming her for the awful things that happen in life and try to learn to accept that we are what we can't control. Determine what is wrong with your life, YOUR role in getting it there and move on. Really. Let her know TODAY that you want out. She is better off without you in her life, really. My father cheated on my mother when she was dying of cancer, and if I could go back in time and shake the shit out of him I would. God knows, it's fucked me up royally, relationship wise. I wish I could do the same to you. But a man has to make his own mistakes. Sooner or later, something will cut you down, and it's you and those you deemed important in your life who will have to live with your past.

You sound like you have a schoolgirl "crush" on this new girl. As if she makes you feel 17 again. There is a reason we're no longer 17 anymore... we grow up so we can face life's shitty responsibilities with dignity and class. Sounds like you have a long way to go.

I wish you the best of luck.


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"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"

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Re: My secret crush [Re: DrCamacho89]
    #6965719 -

Are you going to tell your wife of 17 years that one of the deciding factors in moving on is the new girl?

I think she deserves to know the whole truth.


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Re: My secret crush [Re: DrCamacho89]
    #6965732 -

DrCamacho89 said:
So, it's all her fault. It's her fault for developing CANCER?! It's her fault for having a horrible childhood, and marrying a man who she thought would help raise a family in an atmosphere that is healthier than the one she grew up in? Are you reading what you write? I hate to say this because I don't know you besides from what you write, but it sounds like you have failed this woman just as much as she's failed you.

Quit blaming her for the awful things that happen in life and try to learn to accept that we are what we can't control. Determine what is wrong with your life, YOUR role in getting it there and move on. Really. Let her know TODAY that you want out. She is better off without you in her life, really. My father cheated on my mother when she was dying of cancer, and if I could go back in time and shake the shit out of him I would. God knows, it's fucked me up royally, relationship wise. I wish I could do the same to you. But a man has to make his own mistakes. Sooner or later, something will cut you down, and it's you and those you deemed important in your life who will have to live with your past.

You sound like you have a schoolgirl "crush" on this new girl. As if she makes you feel 17 again. There is a reason we're no longer 17 anymore... we grow up so we can face life's shitty responsibilities with dignity and class. Sounds like you have a long way to go.

I wish you the best of luck.


Wow. Great post. 5 shrooms for you buddy.


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Re: My secret crush [Re: CherryBom]
    #6965747 -

If he truly does care about his wife in any way, shape or form, he would wait until after her recovery. He should just tell her he can't take the stress and he's losing his mind. Either way, it's a coward's way out, but if he tells her that, it will at least spare her such strong feelings of inadequacy that she will inevitably feel.

Shit, this just may be what this woman needs to go out and live her life to extent. This may be her wake up call. I feel sorry for these two individuals. Two people who don't love each other faking it all these years. It's probably more common than we'd like to believe. I refuse to be one of them.


--------------------
"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"

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Re: My secret crush [Re: DrCamacho89]
    #6965753 -

This woman is making him miserable. I remember a post about 4 years ago where niteowl posted pictures of his dick in an attempt to get some kind of play because his wife was being frigid and non-sexual. Don't feel bad niteowl....as I remember I posted pics of my dick like 5 minutes later.

I feel you man....you are MISERABLE with this woman. Years and years of being in a relationship that should have died long ago. That must be horrible. Life is too fucking short to waste it with someone that makes you unhappy. It's not fair to you or her.

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Re: My secret crush [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #6965845 -

RandalFlagg said:
I feel you man....you are MISERABLE with this woman. Years and years of being in a relationship that should have died long ago. That must be horrible. Life is too fucking short to waste it with someone that makes you unhappy. It's not fair to you or her.


No, life isn't always fair. I agree. But when you enter into a lifelong commitment to someone, you need to be ready to honor that commitment in my opinion. I'm not talking about marriage, and how unfair and unrealistic of an institution it is and blah blah blah. People only say that because they don't want to work on themselves enough to prepare for such a permenant vow. I'm talking about entering yourself into someone else's life and making a promise to them that you will be there during the good and bad (unspoken or spoken). It should never be a decision to be made lightly, and far too many people in my opinion do just that.

The honorable thing in this circumstance would have been to get out a long time ago, before it got this far. He didn't, and that's his fault, not hers. You can't go back, and sometimes we have to live with the repricussions of our decisions. Bad decisions will only snowball until one day we find ourselves buried from the neck down. Going behind the back and betraying another human being will not fix the underlying problems here and the only one he is fooling is himself if he thinks that is the case.


--------------------
"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"

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Re: My secret crush [Re: niteowl]
    #6966217 -

Take care of yourself, and try not to hurt your wife any more than is absolutely necessary.


don't imagine yourself married to the new girl, just take things slowly. You should probably be by yourself for a bit before rushing head on into another commitment.

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Re: My secret crush [Re: implicitli]
    #6966239 -

implicitli said:
Take care of yourself, and try not to hurt your wife any more than is absolutely necessary.


don't imagine yourself married to the new girl, just take things slowly. You should probably be by yourself for a bit before rushing head on into another commitment.


:thumbup:


--------------------
"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"

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Re: My secret crush [Re: DrCamacho89]
    #6966900 -

DrCamacho89 said:
So, it's all her fault.  It's her fault for developing CANCER?!


YES!

Many cancers are preventable, and this is one of them. This could have been avoided (according to her Dr) had she gotten a PAP smear done at the first sign of trouble.

Quote:
It's her fault for having a horrible childhood, and marrying a man who she thought would help raise a family in an atmosphere that is healthier than the one she grew up in?


I did my best to help her raise her daughter in the only way I knew how. Just like every other responsible parent out there.

I tried to get her to see some of the problems she had in her life that needed some attention........taking care of her physical health being one of many. She is the way she is because of the up-bringing her parents gave her.......we all are the victims of our parents mistakes.

Part of becoming a better person is to try and overcome these personal defects and make yourself a better person.........my wife REFUSES to do anything different......there in lies my dilemma. People are supposed to grow together and we are growing apart.

Quote:
I hate to say this because I don't know you besides from what you write, but it sounds like you have failed this woman just as much as she's failed you.


That may be true......we may not be made for each other.......mistakes have been made from both parties, I agree.

The bottom line is if my wife refuses to take care of her self then I can no longer live with her........and she knows this.

Quote:
Quit blaming her for the awful things that happen in life and try to learn to accept that we are what we can't control.


I only blame her for not taking care of herself. Accepting that I cant make her take care of herself is something that I have recently became aware of.....If she isn't willing to do it for herself, she ain't gonna do it for me.

Quote:
Determine what is wrong with your life, YOUR role in getting it there and move on.


Been there and done that, my friend......many times over......did you check out the link in my sig?

Quote:
She is better off without you in her life, really.


This may be true......it is really up to her if she wants the relationship to continue or not.

Quote:
My father cheated on my mother when she was dying of cancer, and if....... :boring:


Don't judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. Don't be angry with your father just because he cheated on your mother.......he had his reasons......even if you cant understand them......and every person does what is right for THEM. That is all they can do.

If leaving my wife ends up being the right thing for me to do....so be it.

If I can have a "fuck buddy" to ease the process of the divorce.....so be it.

Quote:
You sound like you have a schoolgirl "crush" on this new girl.  As if she makes you feel 17 again.


Don't read too much into what I write. I never said she made me feel 17 again. Just that there was a definite connection, with this particular woman, that we both share and I was curious as to why we have these feelings for each other. Feelings we have had for over 10 years with a 3-4 year break. As soon as I saw her again I got the same feelings for her I had the first time I saw her.

That fact, coupled with recent events in my marriage, makes me wonder if I'm with the wrong person.

Quote:
There is a reason we're no longer 17 anymore... we grow up so we can face life's shitty responsibilities with dignity and class.  Sounds like you have a long way to go.


:whatever:


--------------------
Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future

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Re: My secret crush [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #6966924 -

RandalFlagg said:
I feel you man....you are MISERABLE with this woman.  Years and years of being in a relationship that should have died long ago.  That must be horrible.  Life is too fucking short to waste it with someone that makes you unhappy.  It's not fair to you or her.



The only reason I have stayed so long is I KNOW that she can become a better person if she would just take care of herself.

I have come to the decision that if, after the surgery and recovery, if she still doesn't make an attempt to improve her health.........Im outta here.


Thanks for the support.
:bow:


--------------------
Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My secret crush [Re: implicitli]
    #6966950 -

implicitli said:
Take care of yourself, and try not to hurt your wife any more than is absolutely necessary.


don't imagine yourself married to the new girl, just take things slowly. You should probably be by yourself for a bit before rushing head on into another commitment.



Those are my exact plans.......thanks for the advice though
:bow:

I have been w/my wife for so long that I will always have feelings for her. I just feel the love slipping away, and being replaced with a deep friendship.


--------------------
Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future

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Re: My secret crush [Re: niteowl]
    #6967004 -

OK-- you asked for advise...so with all due respect,  take this personally then:

I find it absolutely disgusting that you want to come on a message board, peopled with (mostly) a bunch of young kids, and look for validation to violate your marriage, your children, and your wife.

Watching you point-by-point rationalize why it *wouldn't* really be a big deal for your children as their father, or your wife as her husband, is a filthy display of you asserting that you've already decided to fuck this woman, and you want everyone to tell you it's OK.

It's cowardly, disturbing, twisted, and absolutely NOT OK.

You think it's cool because your wife doesn't know.

You think you can have the best of both worlds-- fuck this woman, abd use the woman you married as a comfortable pillow at night, safe and secure that your life has it's nice safety net.


You are the exact, perfect picture of a cheater-- you hold yourself faultless, have no desire to be a man and live up to your feelings by divorcing your wife...because it would inconvenience your life and it's tidy arrangements...

You should feel embarassed, ashamed, and dirty for even thinking of this slimy, immature venture.

But go ahead and listen to the 17 year-olds tell you that you should "just fuck her on the side" or whatever.

That's exactly what you wanted to hear.

You asked for honesty. You got it.

:projectile:

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Re: My secret crush [Re: niteowl]
    #6967055 -

Listen, man.  You posted this original post, so if someone gives you advice you don't like or agree with, you are a grown man.  Don't take it.  But you did post it, so I am telling you as straight up as I am able to see it.  Please don't take offense.  That being said...


niteowl said:
Quote:
Many cancers are preventable, and this is one of them. This could have been avoided (according to her Dr) had she gotten a PAP smear done at the first sign of trouble.
Quote:
Every cancer is preventable, however the disease is a mysterious plague that scientist hopefully will one day cure.  Until then, we're going to have to roll with the punches.  That's the evils of cancer.

Your reasoning sounds like an excuse to make yourself feel better for about what you're about to do.  Sorry.  I call a stone a stone.

Quote:
Part of becoming a better person is to try and overcome these personal defects and make yourself a better person.........my wife REFUSES to do anything different......there in lies my dilemma. People are supposed to grow together and we are growing apart.


She refuses, so you give up?  Okay, I give you the benefit of the doubt here.  I can see how someone may be so depressed, they seem to have given up and won't put in the same effort to help you so it seems.  But maybe that means you're the stronger of the two?  That's not so bad right?


Quote:
My father cheated on my mother when she was dying of cancer, and if....... :boring:


It's funny you find that boring.  It's actually been one my hardest things to get past as I get older.  My father just died.  He was a brilliant man and I learned a lot from him.  I also can't get the images out of my head of my mother being so angry, depressed, alone, and deteriorate into nothing when I was 14 years old.  Telling me, "don't become like your father."  Yeah, my pop didn't think of that, did he?  It's all good.  I love him anyway and he is not me.  I am glad he found his way.  I would have chosen a different path to get to "success"... but I don't blame him anymore.

[quote}If leaving my wife ends up being the right thing for me to do....so be it.

If I can have a "fuck buddy" to ease the process of the divorce.....so be it.


I really don't see the point in not leaving her.  It's perfectly natural to have these feelings you have, and it really is all about survival.  If you are not happy man, get out and find happiness.  But why cause other people suffering due to your personal choices?

Like I said before, Good luck and I really mean it.  You don't sound like a bad guy that's why I even offer advice that i have learned and feel you haven't.  I am sure you can teach me a thing or two when it comes to putting effort into a relationship.  Just trying to lead you to where I think will cause the least amount of hurt in the future. 

It's your world to live in.  :smirk:


--------------------
"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"

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Re: My secret crush [Re: coAsTal]
    #6967072 -

You read too much into my posts.

I have NEVER cheated on my wife before...........Im only considering it now because I don't see the relationship getting any better.


--------------------
Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: My secret crush [Re: niteowl]
    #6967852 -

then you know what man, be a man and talk to your wife instead of sneaking around... also seems like you're hell bent on what you're going to do anyway so stop trying to use an anonymous community to justify a decision you've already made.

you know what you need to do, you know what you should do, and you know what you want to do.

stop practicing defending a shitty decision. it doesn't make it better or less painful for anyone.

at the end of the day, adultery is wrong, despite any mitigating factors. So just man up if you're going to divorce your wife and accept that it's because you simply DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH HER. for whatever reason.

also, no matter how crappy your marriage gets, the fact of the matter is you might be able to swing using that as a reason to divorce your wife, but not a reason to commit adultery or even have an emotional affair with anyone... the two are not related.


--------------------
"So you're saying you have 2 pounds right now"
"yeah"
"can I buy some"
"no"
"can I have some for free"
"Sure"

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Re: My secret crush [Re: niteowl]
    #6967891 -

Bullshit-- you are cheating on your wife now, buddy. You're not considering it. You're begging for an excuse to sail over that irreversible line. And you are totally aware of it.

Face up to it like a man-- you don't get to claim innocence and confusion right up to the moment you're slipping your dick into another woman...

If you are so certain your relationship with your wife is dead-- which is clearly how you feel-- then END that relationship, with all the pain and heartache, BEFORE you sleep with this woman.

You owe her the chance at finding life with someone who gives a shit about her-- someone who would never play these games with the sanctity of their relationship with her.

YOU know your relationship with your wife is a farce--nothing more than a tool you're using now as a comfort-zone from which you want to have sex and profess your *real* love for another woman.


I could say so much more... but it's pointless.
You know what you want to do--


***I hope the people reading this guy's posts realize that this person is every woman's worst nightmare-- I pity his poor wife, regardless of how much she may have caused his loss of feeling (and evidently, respect) over the years, and his children, who deserve to have the respect for their father knowing that he cared enough about his wife and their mother to end their relationship in a way that claims an ounce of dignity for the feelings and importance that once carried their bond in marriage-- through divorce.

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Re: My secret crush [Re: coAsTal]
    #6968204 -

So it is your opinion that just thinking about having sex w/someone other than your spouse is cheating/having an affair........:whatever:

What about masturbation........millions of married men masturbate..........are they cheaters too :rolleyes:

Sounds like someone cheated on you and your feelings are on your sleeve about it.

You must be a Christian Fundamentalist. The worst kind of human on the planet.

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Re: My secret crush [Re: niteowl]
    #6968231 -

I say go for the other girl, why let some hag keep making you miserable, the kids are out of the house then do what makes you happy.

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Re: My secret crush [Re: The_Red_Crayon]
    #6968241 -

:cheers:


--------------------
Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future

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Re: My secret crush [Re: niteowl]
    #6968263 -

niteowl said:
So it is your opinion that just thinking about having sex w/someone other than your spouse is cheating/having an affair........:whatever:

What about masturbation........millions of married men masturbate..........are they cheaters too :rolleyes:

Sounds like someone cheated on you and your feelings are on your sleeve about it.

You must be a Christian Fundamentalist. The worst kind of human on the planet.


I assume you're not talking to me.


--------------------
"So you're saying you have 2 pounds right now"
"yeah"
"can I buy some"
"no"
"can I have some for free"
"Sure"

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
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