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 lonestar2004 Live to party,work to affordit.   Registered: 10/03/04 Posts: 8,978 Loc: South Texas Last seen: 15 years, 5 months |
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Posted on Tue, Jun. 28, 2005
http://www.kansascity.com/mld/kansascity/living/11997845.htm The joy of divorce The newly single are celebrating with voodoo dolls and drinks all around By RACHEL DODES New York Times News Service ?My godmother said, ?When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.? I added tequila.? ? Philip Tabor, who gave himself a breakup party W hen Rachel Bendtsen walked through the doors of a New York City bar on a Thursday night, she was greeted with a cake and a standing ovation. Cameras flashed as she said hello to friends she hadn?t seen in three years, since she got engaged and stopped traveling frequently from Minneapolis to New York to visit. Leaning over the cake, decorated with a bird flying out of a cage, she closed her eyes and blew out the candles. ?I am so happy to be a free agent,? Bendtsen, 27, said as more cameras flashed. ?And I am accepting applications to make out.? Several single men were on hand, eager to apply. As divorce parties go, this one was pretty tame ? no caterer and no band, and the cake was homemade. It was certainly nothing compared to the $20,000 wedding she and her parents paid for just two years earlier, the one at which 200 guests watched as she pledged to love and cherish her husband forever. ?Once you say you are going to get married, it is hard to get out of it,? Bendtsen said. ?So the divorce puts us both back on course. In my case it is definitely cause for celebration.? The divorce party, a hybrid of a bachelor-bachelorette party and bacchanalian exorcism, is emerging as a celebratory occasion, complete with gift registries and a set of social protocols. Once a source of shame, divorce has become its own peculiar rite of passage, so commonplace that more people are looking to commemorate the occasion with friends ? and in public. Experts see a combination of factors at work, including a growing acceptance of divorce and society?s need for rituals to mark important life stages. ?Fifty years ago divorce was almost a forbidden thing,? said David Popenoe, a director of the National Marriage Project, an interdisciplinary research project at Rutgers University. ?Today you do not think of a divorcee as an outcast; you extend your sympathy and sometimes offer your congratulations.? Reena Sommer, a psychologist and an author of the 2004 e-book How to End a Marriage: Leaving Your Spouse in 21 Steps, said she often recommends to her clients that they do something special for themselves in the wake of a failed relationship to mark their return to single life. ?If you can afford it, I say find another place to live,? Sommer said. ?If not, then redecorate, and start with the bedroom. Buy new sheets.? Having a party, she said, ?is just another rite of passage, a way for somebody to say, ?It?s finally over.? ? It is impossible to determine how popular divorce-and-breakup parties are becoming because they are often small and take a variety of forms ? girls? or boys? nights out or a full-blown ceremony involving both former spouses. But it is evident that divorce celebrations are gaining converts. Though divorce parties are still rare, they are becoming more frequent, said Charlotte Eulette of Celebrants USA, a nonprofit group based in Montclair, N.J., that provides people to conduct all kinds of events, such as weddings, funerals and divorces. ?Fifty percent of marriages result in divorce,? Eulette said, ?and ideally I would like to hear my phone ring with 50 percent of calls being requests for divorce ceremonies.? Her own divorce celebration took place more than a year and a half ago. It featured a drum procession and a renaming ceremony in which her mother symbolically gave her back her maiden name. Philip Tabor, a 30-year-old actor, gave himself a breakup party in September. ?My godmother said, ?When life gives you lemons, make lemonade,? ? he said. ?I added tequila.? Tabor, who broke up with his male partner of eight years last summer, sent out invitations with a script-written header, ?El Divorcio,? for his margarita-drenched party at a Mexican restaurant in New York City. ?Without sounding too Lifetime television, it was very therapeutic,? he said. His friends gave him plenty of liquor, erotic videos and a self-help book titled Finding the Boyfriend Within. At Andrew Marks? ?Single de Mayo? party, which took place in Los Altos, Calif., last May, 80 guests ate Polynesian food and danced to Marks? ?Divorce Mix,? which included Carlos Santana?s ?Black Magic Woman? and Fleetwood Mac?s ?Go Your Own Way.? Friends gave Marks mostly gag gifts, including a voodoo effigy of his former wife. ?I figured when you get married it?s supposed to be this wonderful occasion,? said Marks, 37. ?Sometimes when you get divorced it is a wonderful occasion, too.? Businesses, too, are hopping on the breakup party circuit, advertising their services as the perfect pick-me-up for the newly single. At www.theytookeverything.com , the recently broken-up can sign up at the gift registry for anything from a new toaster to a flat-panel television. More than 4,000 copies of the spiral-bound guide How to Throw a Divorce or Breakup Party, by Christine Gallagher, a Los Angeles writer, have been sold since she began offering it on her Web site, www .revengelady.com, in mid-2003. Plum Party, a New York-based party supply company (www .plumparty.com), sells items like a Getting Over Him Kit and an Ex-Husband Voodoo Doll to give as gifts or party favors. At www.break upnews.com, people can submit their sordid tales of woe and have them written up in the style of wedding announcements. ?Breakups are the new relationships,? said Flint Wainess, a Los Angeles screenwriter and a founder of BreakupNews, whose blogging partner is Anna Jane Grossman, a wedding columnist for The New York Post. Sylvia Weinstock, master of the wedding cake ? she made the 10-foot confectionary tower for the wedding of Star Jones and Al Reynolds ? said she received her third order for a divorce cake last year. Weinstock had baked a wedding cake for that client just four years earlier. For the divorce party she baked another wedding cake, but with a difference ? she made it appear as if it had been sliced down the middle. Back at Rachel Bendtsen?s divorce party, friends drank vodka, traded jokes about marriage and quoted famous divorced people such as Mae West and Woody Allen. ?I love this one: ?For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce, but then we realized a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks and a divorce is something you have forever,? ? said Oded Burger, a guest at the party, quoting Woody Allen. Miguel Drake-McLaughlin, who organized Bendtsen?s divorce party, said he and his friends wanted to learn from it. ?We wanted to set a precedent,? Drake-McLaughlin said. ?Now, when other friends of ours get divorced, we?ll know what to do.? Party protocol  Having a divorce or breakup party raises some thorny etiquette issues. Should the former spouses celebrate together or apart? Is it appropriate to burn the wedding album?  In perhaps the greatest sign that celebrating breakups is becoming a trend, Peggy Post, the great-granddaughter-in-law of Emily Post and the editor of the 17th edition of Emily Post?s Etiquette (HarperResource, 2004), added a section in the book about these sorts of events. This is her advice: Skip the party.  ?If you are going to have a party at all, make sure you do not demean the former spouse and just don?t celebrate the divorce in a public way by being mean,? Post said. ?It sounds basic, but it is important.?  Don?t tell that to Dan Savage, a syndicated sex columnist and editor of The Stranger, an alternative newspaper in Seattle. Savage might be considered a trailblazer on the angry breakup party frontier: For the last eight years he has held a Valentine?s Day bash on the evening of Feb. 14, at which single people can destroy artifacts from their previous relationships.  ?You are in a room full of people who are single and bitter and looking for rebound sex,? Savage said. ?It?s great.? This is marxist propaganda. Come celebrate my failure!!!!!!!!!! IMO Divorce is where two adults take everything that matters to a child---the child's home, family, security, and sense of being loved and protected--and they smash it all up, leave it in ruins on the floor, then walk out and leave the child to clean up the mess." -------------------- America's debt problem is a "sign of leadership failure" We have "reckless fiscal policies" America has a debt problem and a failure of leadership. Americans deserve better Barack Obama
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WhiteRabbitt Stranger  Registered: 06/06/02 Posts: 3,486 Last seen: 18 years, 4 months |
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marriage is a sham. so is having kids.
-------------------- You gotta jump and swing up to hit me in the knees. 
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lonestar2004 Live to party,work to affordit. Registered: 10/03/04 Posts: 8,978 Loc: South Texas Last seen: 15 years, 5 months |
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http://www.nojustice.info/ConsequencesofDivorce.htm Consequences of Divorce Death of a parent does not correlate with teen suicide, but family instability or disruption is one of the leading causes of suicide. Perceived rejection by a parent, not merely the loss of a parent, is apparently the relevant factor. Consequences of Divorce Mortality: ? A family structure index - a composite index based on the annual rate of children involved in divorce and the percentage of families with children present that are female-headed - is a strong predictor of suicide among young adult and adolescent white males. (Patricia L. McCall and Kenneth C. Land, "Trends in White Male Adolescent, Young-Adult, and Elderly Suicide: Are There Common Underlying Structural Factors?" Social Science Research 23 (1994): 57-81) ? Among all possible contributing factors, "only divorce rates were consistently associated with suicide and with homicide rates." ( David Lester, "Time-Series Versus Regional Correlates of Rates of Personal Violence," Death Studies (1993): 529-534. Cited on page36 of The Abolition of Marriage, by Maggie Gallagher )) ? Suicide rates for children of divorce are much higher than for children from intact families ( Brian Willats, Breaking Up is Easy To Do, available from Michigan Family Forum, citing Susan Larson and David Larson, M.D., M.S.P.H., "Divorce: A Hazard to Your Health?" Physician, May/June 1990, p. 16, which cites several studies on adolescent suicide) ? Death of a parent does not correlate with teen suicide, but family instability or disruption is one of the leading causes of suicide. Perceived rejection by a parent, not merely the loss of a parent, is apparently the relevant factor. ( Nelson, Farberow and Litman, Youth Suicide in California : A Comparative Study of Perceived Causes and Interventions, 24 COMM. MENTAL HEALTH J. 31-42 (1988); and John S. Wardarski and Pamela Harris, "Adolescent Suicide: A Review of the Influences and Means for Prevention. 32(6) Social Work 477-484 (1977). Cited in "No-Fault Divorce: Proposed Solutions to a National Tragedy," 1993 Journal of Legal Studies 2, page 18) ? Upon surveying 752 families at random, the researchers divided the children into those who had never attempted suicide and those who had done so at least once. The two groups, they found, differed little in age, family income, race, and religion. But those who attempted suicide were more likely to live in non-intact family settings than were the nonattempters. More than half of the attempters lived in households with no more than one biological parent, whereas only about a third of the nonattempters lived in such a setting ( Carmen Noevi Velez and Patricia Cohen, "Suicidal Behavior and Ideation in a Community Sample of Children: Maternal and Youth Reports," Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 273 [1988]: 349-356. Cited in Amneus, The Garbage Generation, page 239) ? In England and Wales during 2000, the sudden infant death rate for babies jointly registered by unmarried parents living at different addresses was over three times greater than for babies born to a married mother and father. Where the birth was registered in the sole name of the mother, the rate of sudden infant death was seven times greater than for those born within marriage (1.27 per 1,000 live births as compared with 0.18) (Mortality Statistics: Childhood, Infant and Perinatal, Review of the Registrar General on Deaths in England and Wales , 2000, Series DH3 33, Office for National Statistics (2002)) ? A Swedish study found that children of singleparent families were 30% more likely to die over the 16-year study period. After controlling for poverty, children from single-parent families were: 70% more likely to have circulatory problems, 56% more likely to show signs of mental illness, 27% more likely to report chronic aches and pains, and 26% more likely to rate their health as poor (Lundbert, O. (1993), ?The impact of childhood living conditions on illness and mortality in adulthood?, Social Science and Medicine 36, pp. 1047?52) ? Divorced men aged 20 to 60 have 70%?100% higher rates of death than married (Mortality Statistics: General, Review of the Registrar General on Deaths in England and Wales , 1999, Series DH1 32, Office for National Statistics, 2001. Criminality: ? Children aged 11 to 16 years were 25% more likely to have offended in the last year if they lived in lone-parent families (Youth Survey 2001: Research Study Conducted for the Youth Justice Board (U.K.) January?March 2001, p. 9) ? A young female offender in a focus group: ??where I used to live?it?s like a rough, nasty area and you just see mums with six children, three kids, their boyfriend, not a dad. Kids grow up and they grudge other families?? ( Lyon, Dennison and Wilson (2000), ?Tell Them So They Listen?: Messages from Young People in Custody, p. 10) ? Although 20% of all dependent children live in lone-parent families, 70% of young offenders identified by Youth Offending Teams come from lone-parent families (Review 2001/2002: Building on Success, Youth Justice Board (U.K.) London: The Stationery Office (July 2002)) ? American studies have shown that boys from one-parent homes were twice as likely as those from two-birth-parent families to be incarcerated by the time they reached their early 30s (Harper, C. and McLanahan, S. (August 1998), ?Father absence and youth incarceration?, San Francisco: paper presented at the annual meetings of the American Sociological Association) Child Abuse and Neglect: ? According to data from the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC), young people are five times more likely to have experienced physical abuse and emotional maltreatment if they grew up in a lone-parent family, compared with children in two-birth-parent families (Cawson, P. (2002), Child Maltreatment in the Family, London: NSPCC) ? All studies of child-abuse victims which look at family type identify the step-family as representing the highest risk to children (Strang, H. (1996), ?Children as victims of homicide?, Trends and Issues in Criminal Justice 53, Canberra: Australian Institute of Criminology) ? the risk of fatal abuse in a step-family being 100 times higher than in two biological- parent families (Daly, M. and Wilson, M. (1988), Homicide, New York: Aldine de Gruyter) ? Analysis of 35 cases of fatal abuse which were the subject of public inquiries between 1968 and 1987 showed a risk for children living with their mother and an unrelated man which was over 70 times higher than it would have been for a child with two married biological parents (Whelan, R. (1994), Broken Homes and Battered Children, Oxford: Family Education Trust) ? After controlling for low incomes, children growing up with never-married lone mothers are especially disadvantaged according to standard scales of deprivation (Gaulthier, A. H. (1999), ?Inequalities in children?s environment: The case of Britain?, Childhood 6 (2), pp. 243?260) ? After controlling for other demographic factors, children in lone-parent households are still 2.8 times as likely to forego family outings. (Cockett and Tripp (1994), The Exeter Family Study: Family Breakdown and Its Impact on Children, p. 31) Health: Lesa Wolf (Calgary Counselling Centre, Children?s Program) measured depression in the youth coming to the centre for medical treatment. She found that 62% of children from divorced families had clinical levels of depression. Only 18% of children from intact families were diagnosed as clinically being depressed After controlling for other demographic factors, children in lone-parent households are ? twice as likely to have a mental health problem as those from intact two-parent families (Meltzer, H., et al. (2000), Mental Health of Children and Adolescents in Great Britain , London : The Stationery Office) ? 1.8 times as likely to have psychosomatic health symptoms and illness such as pains, headaches, stomach aches, and feeling sick (Cockett and Tripp (1994), The Exeter Family Study: Family Breakdown and Its Impact on Children, p. 21) Behavioural Problems: In a population of young adults, divorced men and women were twice as likely to increase their drinking compared to those who remained married. In this case, there was virtually no selection effect. In other words, heavy drinking did not lead to divorce. Rather, divorce led to heavy drinking. ( Power, C., Rodgers, B., and Hope, S. (1999), ?Heavy alcohol consumption and marital status: disentangling the relationship in a national study of young adults?, Addiction 94 (10), pp. 1477?1487) Boys from lone-parent households are more likely to show hostility to adults and other children, and be destructive of belongings (Whitehead, L. (1979), ?Sex differences in children?s responses to family stress: A re-evaluation? Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 20, pp. 247?254); 2.5 times as likely to be sometimes or often unhappy. They are 3.3 times as likely to score poorly on measures of self-esteem (Cockett and Tripp (1994), T he Exeter Family Study: Family Breakdown and Its Impact on Children, p. 19) After controlling for other demographic factors, children from lone-parent households are ? 3.3 times more likely to report problems with their academic work, and 50% more likely to report difficulties with teachers (Cockett and Tripp (1994), The Exeter Family Study: Family Breakdown and Its Impact on Children, pp 24?25); ? A major longitudinal study of 1,400 American families found that 20%?25% of children of divorce showed lasting signs of depression, impulsivity (risk-taking), irresponsibility, or antisocial behaviour compared with 10% of children in intact two-parent families (Hetherington, M. (2002), For Better or Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, New York: W. W. Norton) ? three times as likely to report problems with friendships (Cockett and Tripp (1994), The Exeter Family Study: Family Breakdown and Its Impact on Children, p. 27) ? more likely to have behaviour problems or engage in antisocial behaviour (Ferri, E. (1984), Step Children: A National Study, Windsor: NFER-Nelson; and Wadsworth, Burnell, Taylor and Butler (1985) ?The influence of family type on children?s behaviour and development at five years?, pp. 245?254) ? twice as likely to run away from home as those from two-birth-parent families (Rees, G. and Rutherford, C. (2001), Home Run: Families and Young Runaways, London: The Children?s Society) ? three times more likely than those in two-parent families to be excluded from school (Youth Survey 2001: Research Study Conducted for the Youth Justice Board (U.K.) January?March 2001, p. 7) ? Sixteen-year-olds from lone-parent households are twice as likely to leave school with no qualifications as those from intact families (Ely, West, Sweeting and Richards (2000), ?Teenage Family Life, Life chances, lifestyles and health?, pp. 1?30) -------------------- America's debt problem is a "sign of leadership failure" We have "reckless fiscal policies" America has a debt problem and a failure of leadership. Americans deserve better Barack Obama Edited by lonestar2004 (06/29/05 01:02 PM)
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 FreakQlibrium Son of Uncle Meat   Registered: 06/06/02 Posts: 19,058 Loc: Toronto Canada 
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I'm not going to read any of that shit but: ^^^^ What he says 
-------------------- "Being crazier than a shithouse rat is not sufficient grounds for banishment" 
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badchad Mad Scientist  Registered: 03/02/05 Posts: 13,388 |
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And if there are no children? Seems to me thatif two people are unhappy then why prolong a life of misery? Is it better for a young child to witness his parents screaming at each other violently? Is it better for a child to see mom or dad with another "friend" who comes over as soon as mom or dad leave the house? While noble in cause I believe marriage is often more difficult than one can imagine. If it ain't working, it ain't working, why should a person sacrifice his/her happiness for an outdate societal ritual? -------------------- ...the whole experience is (and is as) a profound piece of knowledge. It is an indellible experience; it is forever known. I have known myself in a way I doubt I would have ever occurred except as it did. Smith, P. Bull. Menninger Clinic (1959) 23:20-27; p. 27. ...most subjects find the experience valuable, some find it frightening, and many say that is it uniquely lovely. Osmond, H. Annals, NY Acad Science (1957) 66:418-434; p.436
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FooMan   Registered: 02/02/05 Posts: 8,957 Loc: Earth
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Preach on Chad!
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lonestar2004 Live to party,work to affordit. Registered: 10/03/04 Posts: 8,978 Loc: South Texas Last seen: 15 years, 5 months |
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badchad said:
" why should a person sacrifice his/her happiness for an outdated societal ritual? " for the kids sake. "American studies have shown that boys from one-parent homes were twice as likely as those from two-birth-parent families to be incarcerated by the time they reached their early 30s (Harper, C. and McLanahan, S. (August 1998), ?Father absence and youth incarceration?, San Francisco: paper presented at the annual meetings of the American Sociological Association) " I just think that we have made divorce too easy in our society. and now they are saying we should should celebrate it! (above article if you have not read it) -------------------- America's debt problem is a "sign of leadership failure" We have "reckless fiscal policies" America has a debt problem and a failure of leadership. Americans deserve better Barack Obama
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zappaisgod horrid asshole  Registered: 02/11/04 Posts: 81,741 Loc: Fractallife's gy Last seen: 10 years, 3 months |
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I have to say that you are taking a far too simplistic view here. Were the studies showing the doubling of incarceration among boys controlled for population groups that typically have transient relations? Were they controlled for income levels? For instance, was an upper middle class boy twice as likely to be incarcerated? As to divorce being too easy, that is certainly not the case in NY. We hate each other is not enough. You have to come up with acceptable grounds like adultery or abuse. I got mine on the grounds of constructive abandonment. Which basicly means I refused to fuck the skank for a year in spite of her requests. (To clear up any confusion, I contracted with a lawyer before she did but before I could figure out what the grounds would be she got here own and produced some spurious allegations about adultery and "mental and physical" abuse. Problem for her was that I had pictures and she didn't, because I wasn't a beater. She was a world class scratcher though, with nails of steel. We settled on me not fucking her, which I thought was hilarious and well deserved.) My daughter, who was 5 at the time of my divorce is 15 now and fabulously well adjusted and a brilliant student and dancer. My stepsons are better off away from their father who is a hopeless neurotic. I didn't get divorced to get better nookie. I got divorced because I fucking hated my wife and couldn't live with her anymore. I have a new wife of almost 8 years who is terrific. Divorce is a good thing in my book. I and my daughter and wife and stepsons are ALL better off than if we had remained imprisoned. This is the stupidity that can occur when sociologists get ideas and think they should have anything to say about applying population-wide demographics to individual cases. Sociologists who wish to influence policy are by definition fascistic. -------------------- 
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FooMan Registered: 02/02/05 Posts: 8,957 Loc: Earth
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Lonestar, your rebuttal? The mic is yours.
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amarks99 Stranger Registered: 07/27/05 Posts: 1 Last seen: 21 years, 1 month |
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You are entitled to your opinion. But my child is a hell of a lot happier now that my wife and I are separated. And yes, this is the same Andrew Marks that was profiled in that Time article.
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