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There is this girl, Danny, who I'm friends with. We aren't close friends. Actually, we've barely talked except for online. I think that we're alike in that we both suck at having conversations in person. It's not that we can't conversate. It just seems like we only mesh with a small % of people. Infact, I only have one friend who I can really talk to for an extended period of time without trying to force the conversation or having nothing to say - my friend Aman. He is an intellectual person and I'm interested in his opinions and ideas about whatever. I work off of him and he works off of me. No topic is off limits. I can talk to him about anything and he doesn't judge me. We are both really open-minded people, unconfined by the normalcy of society. He respects my opinion just like I respect his, irregardless of what it may be. We can debate and disagree, but the mutual respect is still there. I don't feel like anything is expected of me when I'm with him. That's my idea of a good friendship. I'm sure Danny has friends that she feels comfortable with in the same way that I'm comfortable with Aman, but I don't think I'm one of them.
I tried to talk with her in person before and it didn't go too well. She would barely make eye contact with me. Given, I was acting kindof nervous and making my intentions a little too obvious, but I think she should still should have payed attention to me when I was making an effort. I got bummed out by this experience because I had gotten my hopes up and expected us to make a connection in some way, but it didn't happen. If anything, I felt like it pushed us further apart. So I kindof gave up. Instead of sprinting down court and going for a slam dunk, I decided to remain that I should dribble the ball in the back court until I see I lane open up (if you know what I mean).
So I've been talking with her on AIM for the past couple weeks. We haven't talked that much and our conversations aren't exactly flowing, but atleast we're talking. I chatted with her for a half hour tonight. She initiated the convo and tried to get things going, which makes me feel better because she is showing interest. I'm proud of myself because I actually got her to talk about something for real - Love. It wasn't an deep, intricate conversation or anything, but atleast I feel like we've made some kind of connection. She told me that she wants to shroom with me for her first time (if circumstances permit).
I'm looking forward to the possibility of shrooming with her. If nothing else, it's a way for us to hang out with eachother. I'm not expecting anything, but hopefully she will enjoy my company while tripping. I plan on acting like there is nothing between us other than friendship. That's how it is, really, but I can't help thinking about what she thinks of me as a potential boyfriend rather than just a friend. Hopefully this experience would make us more comfortable around eachother.
I think I could be comfortable around her if she showed some sexual interest in me. That's a reassuring feeling to fall back on. I wish I could get her to lay down with me and watch a movie or something cuddly like that. If I could feel her next to me and know that she wanted me like I wanted her, it would be easy to be confident and open with her. As it is, though, I can't imagine us having a good conversation - like sitting down together and talking for a while. Whenever I'm confronted with a situation like that, my anxiety meter goes up. Making eye contact, responding to what she's saying + the vibes that she's giving me appropriately, talking to her about interesting stuff + sending appropriate vibes to her, feeling open with my emotions, keeping the conversation flowing, etc etc - all this stuff is hard for me to do when I'm not in a comfortable state of mind. It's hard for me even when I am comfortable. Having a good conversation is the hardest thing I could think of. I can almost guarantee that there would be akward silences, loss of eye contact, and akward feelings on both of our parts if we tried to talk face to face. It's hard for me to think of things to say. We have no similar interests beyond drugs and maybe wanting a relationship from eachother. It's like there's a barrier between me and her. I wish I could break it down - I want to make her interested in me and show her that I'm worth being with. I don't know how to do it in any normal way, though.
We'll see what happens. If nothing else, I want to give this situation my best and make every effort to show her that I care + want her. I don't want to look back on this and regret not following my instincts and fucking it up. I will strive to remain calm and collected, open and emotive, caring and thoughtful, lively and ineresting, direct and assertive. Most of all, I'll strive to be myself. I think I could be a great friend to her. I just have to find a way to let my real self out.
The diary of a confused and lonely hobbit.. I hope you enjoyed this window into my mind. Any comments, critiques, or words of advice are appreciated.
-------------------- Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.
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