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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Gilmour Hendrix] * 3
    #29624621 -

Gilmour Hendrix said:
What would cause a person to feel like they are disliked even though people are always happy to see them enter a room? Or cause them to feel (irrationally) that, at any moment, they could do or say something that would ruin a good/ friendly relationship?


ugh me every moment of my life.

motherfuckin trauuuumaaaa boiiiiiiiiii. old wounds from childhood, before we knew how to process cause and effect, and internalized some warped self image and then let it ride for 20 years.



or like all kinds of things everybody's different. but that's a powerful and important question with life-shifting answers when worked on.



this thing's a banger.

Churp said:
Are you joining a camp? Campervan with friends? Volunteering somewhere?


A bit of each. BIL's been with a camp for like 10+ years. It's changed shapes and been through a couple splits and mergers, but lots of veteran burners for sure. He and I are gonna get an empty (non-camper) van and have that + tent. Sounds like I'll be put to work on setup and teardown, and probably have one shift driving an art car (!!) but otherwise free to roam.

No idea what my schedule's gonna be. I haven't rolled in years, might really try to work that in, depending on the vibe. Definitely gonna throw some acid in there. IDK how many shrooms I'll eat, but I plan to give away a... good number lol. I've been sober from alcohol for years, and am wayyyyyy too neurotic/acoustic to enjoy weed in public, which rules out the ol' reliables. But itt'l be a hoot regardless so it's all good.


--------------------
.~`  ๐”… ๐”ž ๐”ค ๐”ข ๐”ฉ  ๐Ÿฅฏ  ๐”… ๐”ฆ ๐”ฑ ๐”ข ๐”ฐ  `~.
:salute: CAKE WARS III STARTS SEPTEMBER 1st :salute:

Edited by Rasmodius (07/15/26 12:32 AM)

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Rasmodius] * 2
    #29624633 -

Yea trauma. :erictheangel:


--------------------





An enigma some caerulescens n a mono ๐Ÿ˜Ž

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Gilmour Hendrix] * 3
    #29624641 -

Gilmour Hendrix said:
What would cause a person to feel like they are disliked even though people are always happy to see them enter a room? Or cause them to feel (irrationally) that, at any moment, they could do or say something that would ruin a good/ friendly relationship?


Previous experiences with rejection or criticism can leave a lasting emotional residue, making you anticipate rejection even when the present environment is entirely welcoming.  The human brain is wired to focus more heavily on perceived slights or neutral expressions than on positive ones, causing you to hyper-fixate on a single awkward moment while ignoring a dozen warm greetings.


--------------------
Agar Plates and Removing Hidden Contaminants - A Visual Notebook
Recognizing Contamination in Grain Jars - A Visual Notebook
Contaminated Condiment Cup Cleanup v1.0

Green Cap Pheno Isolation

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: DV8DUG] * 2
    #29624650 -

I feel it everywhere. Even here. It's one of the main motivating factors why I left this community and many other hobby groups before; a few since. Always ends in isolation. Not sure how to fix it. You guys are great but I always feel like I'm in the way of some great post or comment. If "you can never be too sure" was a person, that person would be me. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.

In relationships, I eventually "run cold" because I expect the good to turn bad then extinguish relationships/friendships before they do because of some false premonition that they will turn bad.

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Gilmour Hendrix] * 2
    #29624659 -

Gonna plug my how to find a therapist post. Having both dedicated space and a professional guide can really make a world of difference. It's hard to figure this stuff out on our own, especially when we're stuck in the same brain that defaults to the same patterned thinking.

I've been in a place much like the one you describe. Dating people and getting bored/spooked/whatever, losing interest, drifting off, hating myself for losing interest and drifting off, preemptively responding to negative scenarios that I just... invented in my head, in the end. Being scared or ashamed or anxious about the same old things, and then acting out the same patterns to just make them happen again and reenforce the cycle.

Therapy helps a lot. Did enough therapy that I could stick it out with a cool partner long enough to genuinely believe somebody loved me, and eventually start to acclimate to some of those patterns, and start retraining different muscle memory.

If you've ever done martial arts, played an instrument, etc, it feels much the same. We are what we practice being, but we can practice being other things.

Also, you seem cool, I've gotten nothing but great vibes from you, and people seem stoked to have you around. Sounds like you know, but just in case. You're always welcome here, not in spite of those wounds, but because of them. That's what this place is. A bunch of flawed scared nervous people just keepin the fuck on one day at a time.


--------------------
.~`  ๐”… ๐”ž ๐”ค ๐”ข ๐”ฉ  ๐Ÿฅฏ  ๐”… ๐”ฆ ๐”ฑ ๐”ข ๐”ฐ  `~.
:salute: CAKE WARS III STARTS SEPTEMBER 1st :salute:

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Gilmour Hendrix] * 1
    #29624668 -

Thanks, Rasmo. You clearly understand this behavior. Some of these guys met me when I was at my peak "self". It was short lived since I relapsed (always the case) back into my old habits and substances. I have to figure this thing out before I'll ever be able to gain control of the rollercoaster. The material you recommended is new to me. I'm queuing up the book to listen to on my way to and from work later. Thank you.

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Gilmour Hendrix] * 2
    #29624674 -

Yo Gil idk if it could help you but I was (and kinda still) too anxious abt people finding me boring / uninteresting / idk what that would make them dislike me. But one day i ve realized two things :

1. Every single person feels that at some point. Some more than other, but everyone does (well except narcisist or idk what other disorder, but normal people do). We are all in the same boat trying to sail thru life.

2. If being myself make me lose friendships / love and such well fuck it, we were not made to be friends / partners, better find some other people.

Of course if you are a dick well you deserve it. But if you are a kind and good person and you just happen to not fit with X or Y group well so be it. The ocean is big.

You are def a big plus to the shroomery, hope you ll find inner peace. And idk which substance you abuse, hope you ll manage to get ride of those.


--------------------
wow

Edited by Tropical (07/15/26 02:57 AM)

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Tropical] * 3
    #29624676 -

Thanks, Tropical. I really appreciate the advice and compliment. I came here searching for relief from this thing that haunts me but I became distracted shortly after. I'm ready to face it again. I have to go to bed but I did start Rasmo's book. In 20 mins into the book, I have already learned some things. I didnt know there were clinical names for the feelings I have had no description for. Looking forward to more of the book.

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Tropical] * 3
    #29624679 -

Ey yo Gil. You have a place in this world. Try to keep in mind that it's all happening in your head (ba-dum). The thing is (or well I interpret it that way) that constantly thinking shit like that creates some kind of feedback loop. The bullied kid syndrome. Don't know if that's a thing but that's what I call it in my head.
You look at people with fear in your heart and it translates to your eyes and mimic muscles. And they pick up on some of that and give you a little weird look in return. "I was happy to see Gil, but he looked around the room as if he expected punishment, did he do something weird to be on his guard like that?"

A great example is my better half. She tends to think all kinds of gloomy bs about herself. Then translates that to how I must view her. Starts distancing herself and in return I'll think I did something wrong, or she's busy with something else.

I myself tend to think that I suck as a parent or caretaker. Then other people will tell me I'm such an involved father or whatever, or this and that good with animals, and I can see where they're coming from. Only to revert back at the next roundabout.

We've all been damaged by our really unhinged society, intergenerational trauma, other traumatized people with no other coping mechanism than 'take it out on someone else' etc, etc.
We hold ourselves accountable to unrealistic standards and think others will automatically do the same. And as long as we behave towards others as if they judge us as harshly as we do, we keep that cycle intact. That internalization is so fucked. We repress ourselves.

Don't know what the fuck my point is even, but anyway I'm always happy to see you posting.


And Ras, that sounds cool. Make sure you have more than enough ropes and poles and tarps to really build that deep shade. With loads of space for air to move between and under the tarps. I never volunteered / built anything in temps above 35*C. That would seem... Challenging. Might help a lot that you don't do booze, lol.


Confession: I'm really sad about the cat, and some other shit, and there's a lot to do before the summer holidays start. But today is a day to throw away. Smoke a few joints and clean the house, rest and regroup. Just a big middle finger to humanity in general.


--------------------
Species grown 2025-26
https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/29367720#29367720

Collection of trip reports
https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/29242884#29242884

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Churpee Choozle] * 5
    #29624685 -

Sending love, Churpee.
Smoke up mate, I'll rip some with you. May your kitty be kneading cosmic threads in an eternal sunspot.

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Gilmour Hendrix] * 4
    #29624731 -

Gilmour Hendrix said:
Well, shit. I was thinking about getting back in the cult saddle so I started looking over my supplies. Goddamn bugs got all of my rye and oats. About 80 pounds of grain spoiled. Damn it. I'll do better at sealing them next time...


That sucks dude. My last batch of wheat got infested with beatles.

I store my grain in 5gal buckets but I had loose fitting lids.
I upgraded to better lids and got some heavy plastic liners and slide on clips.
I'm feeling pretty good about storage now.



--------------------
This hobby has taught me many things.
Most of those things are patience.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Shroomery
The Official Shroomery Cultivation Museum
CakeWars
III

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Lithop] * 3
    #29624749 -

Thanks Lithop!

Took a while because exhibit A left the house hours later than anticipated. So we had lunch together etc. And I did way too many useful things. Way too many. Even repotted cacti at 30 *C.
Now it's time to get vegetative. Got a big stash to turn to ashes, I guess Mindelve is audible three blocks away, let's go bum around


--------------------
Species grown 2025-26
https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/29367720#29367720

Collection of trip reports
https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/29242884#29242884

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Gilmour Hendrix] * 4
    #29624761 -

I'm doing some quasi therapy now (social worker) and it's really good. Finding the right therapist is half the battle. Also doing some ACT therapy (mindfulness to overcome negative thinking habits, basically). Observe, breathe, allow. Defuse, expand, connect!

Get it, brother!


--------------------
Learn it, know it, live it


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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Mackload] * 2
    #29624787 -

I would say finding a great therapist is all the battle.

The longest lasting best therapy Iโ€™ve ever had was one where they gave me the tools. Didnโ€™t tell me how I needed to handle things, tell me their opinion on right and wrong or how they would resolve the issue but guided and worked with me and pointed things to get me going in the right direction.

I had some dark issues and needed some severe anger management badly. It stuck with me when my therapist had asked what I wanted to do and I had said not be angry.

He then proposed a hypothetical about if he came into my house and kicked my dog all the way across the room what would my response would be. Pointing out being angry wasnโ€™t the issue cause sometimes anger is more than a valid response. Itโ€™s how much you use it, how out of control you allow it to be and if the situation would be appropriate for that response.

Shit stuck with me and I recalled being shocked a therapist talked like that after all the ones I had that would have said way differently.

But that therapists sessions actually helped and lasted .


--------------------
Favorite Teks

  ]

Edited by Splittinghairs (07/15/26 07:58 AM)

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Rasmodius] * 2
    #29624793 -

Rasmodius said:
Gilmour Hendrix said:
What would cause a person to feel like they are disliked even though people are always happy to see them enter a room? Or cause them to feel (irrationally) that, at any moment, they could do or say something that would ruin a good/ friendly relationship?


ugh me every moment of my life.

motherfuckin trauuuumaaaa boiiiiiiiiii. old wounds from childhood, before we knew how to process cause and effect, and internalized some warped self image and then let it ride for 20 years.



or like all kinds of things everybody's different. but that's a powerful and important question with life-shifting answers when worked on.



this thing's a banger.

Churp said:
Are you joining a camp? Campervan with friends? Volunteering somewhere?


A bit of each. BIL's been with a camp for like 10+ years. It's changed shapes and been through a couple splits and mergers, but lots of veteran burners for sure. He and I are gonna get an empty (non-camper) van and have that + tent. Sounds like I'll be put to work on setup and teardown, and probably have one shift driving an art car (!!) but otherwise free to roam.

No idea what my schedule's gonna be. I haven't rolled in years, might really try to work that in, depending on the vibe. Definitely gonna throw some acid in there. IDK how many shrooms I'll eat, but I plan to give away a... good number lol. I've been sober from alcohol for years, and am wayyyyyy too neurotic/acoustic to enjoy weed in public, which rules out the ol' reliables. But itt'l be a hoot regardless so it's all good.


I can relate to that. Being neurotic, paranoid. How about avoiding hugs for the fear of breaking down and sobbing? I only drink once a month, buy legal vapes. Shrooms is the only thing I can reliably enjoy addiction free..

Edited by PanSiyan (07/15/26 08:07 AM)

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Gilmour Hendrix] * 1
    #29624806 -

Gilmour Hendrix said:
I feel it everywhere. Even here. It's one of the main motivating factors why I left this community and many other hobby groups before; a few since. Always ends in isolation. Not sure how to fix it. You guys are great but I always feel like I'm in the way of some great post or comment. If "you can never be too sure" was a person, that person would be me. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.

In relationships, I eventually "run cold" because I expect the good to turn bad then extinguish relationships/friendships before they do because of some false premonition that they will turn bad.


Listen, I'm no therapist, and I'm certainly not your therapist, but that sounds like textbook borderline personality disorder. You should definitely use the resources posted, as well as starting some therapy. The work required to heal oneself is not easy, but the time and effort pays off in spades, not only for you, but for the people in your life as well. I wish you all the best as well as a little bit of luck as the hardest wounds to heal are the ones we can't see.


--------------------
Mycology is my current hyperfixation
Uncommunicated expectations are just premeditated resentments.

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Gilmour Hendrix]
    #29624882 -

dude, dont listen to 'therapists' on here having bogged down with some jargon about what exactly is ur malfunction. shit happened in the past, we react, we learn from it and thats just us. it doesnt need to be involved or have a name or associated medications(which can be nice sometimes). you dont need a diagnoses or treatment. deal with it. like an adult.

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: PanSiyan] * 5
    #29624903 -

PanSiyan said:
dude, dont listen to 'therapists' on here having bogged down with some jargon about what exactly is ur malfunction. shit happened in the past, we react, we learn from it and thats just us. it doesnt need to be involved or have a name or associated medications(which can be nice sometimes). you dont need a diagnoses or treatment. deal with it. like an adult.


Deal with it like an adult. Ok. Got it. I should probably write that down so I don't forget.

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Gilmour Hendrix] * 6
    #29624907 -

Gilmour Hendrix said:
Deal with it like an adult. Ok. Got it. I should probably write that down so I don't forget.


Yea, it's like if youre depressed, have you tried just not being depressed? Duh

:mentos:


--------------------
So anyway, uh...

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: So Anyway] * 2
    #29624909 -

Gilmour!  Remember, if you just breathe and post... other people will post also. We have your back.

If you want to go unnoticed for a while, try posting anonymously! And then let me know how to do it lol


--------------------
If you haven't tried uncle Ben's then you sound silly knocking on it

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Mushrooms, Mycology and Psychedelics > Mushroom Cultivation
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