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"Please note:  I'm about to ramble.  I'm crying right now.  I'm also very angry at the same time, my primal temper is feeling like it wants to destroy something, even kill something.  I have SOOOOOOOOOO many pent up emotions, I feel like I'm going to snap.  I'll keep this as tidy as possible.

I first met this woman online almost 4 years ago.  I should note she has a step daughter.  The relationship moved fast.  Looking back, I was vulnerable from getting out of a previous 4 year relationship and was feeling rather needy.  This woman is an A class pathological liar.  She lied about simple things on her online profile even in attempt to portray herself as a certain kind of person(a person she most certainly is not).

Like a spider, she latched on to me quick.  She portrayed herself as a free loving, hippy/nature loving type chick.  She talked about being open with her sexuality, suggested future threesomes, agreed with me on my views of marriage, etc.  She pretended to have the same interests as me, even down to certain comedy artists.  She pretended to be the nympho I was looking for(and was very open about this from the beginning) and over the next 3 months, things moved fast and hard.

She would beg and whine, but in a cute way...in a I really want you way, about when I was going to move in.  Eventually, even though my gut told me it wasn't a good idea, I moved in around the 3 month mark

Around the 5 month mark, she told me she was pregnant(but was supposedly starting birth control a month prior to this news).

It all went downhill from there.  We started, and continued for the next 3 years, to fight on a regular basis.  This woman pushes buttons I didn't even know I had.  She would threaten to leave me dozens of times while she was pregnant and it became a powerful tactic for gaining power over me.  That really scared me.  I'm old fashioned.  I wanted to keep us together.

The fights got worse.  I've been punched, name called to high heaven, disrespected and my very soul and fibre of being STOMPED on repeatedly.

I'm no saint.  A guy can only take so much.  I definitely reciprocated a lot of this treatment.  I can only be called a fucking loser, a fucking asshole, a pathetic piece of shit, so many times before retaliating with more name calling.  I'm not saying I'm justified, but it's just how I'm built.

The "little sex fiend" she was has completely disappeared and after close to 4 years, I know it's not coming back.  She always talked about her "dreams" of being the one to look after the kids and house while I go to work for the family...and how content she would be with that...but that was garbage too.  She's not content with it at all.

She's very money orientated and at 27/hour...I still don't make enough.  Though I will admit, that even though for the first 3 years, finances were our number one "fight" material(though, once our nasty fights started, they would always turn personal and be about EVERYTHING!), now we don't seem to fight as much about finances.

She started doing the same begging and complaining and making remarks about me popping the question.  After one nasty fight about it, I felt obligated to go get a ring.  I also thought it might help things.  It hasn't seemed to help.

We have never been away from each other for more then a day in 4 years and I find that disgusting.  I've never been with someone so clingy, jealous and possessive.  I managed to get out of town for almost a week for a wedding last week and I can't even describe how incredible it felt.  The further I drove out of town, the lighter the "anxious, nervous, stress" weight on my chest felt.  I missed her in a way I can't describe.  I don't think I missed her, more like I missed her due to my attachment to her.

I've always been known as a laid back, chill, non stress dude by all my good friends.  I literally feel like I've been in the trenches in world war 2 for the past 3 years.  I feel worn, tired, sad, anxious ALL the time.  My hair is starting to fall out fast.  I constantly have major heart pains, numb fingertips and hands...I wouldn't doubt if I'm on my way to a stroke or heart attack.

I feel like my nerves are shot.  I cry so easy now.  And anytime she starts acting horrible to me in a fight, I can't help but cry.  She calls out all my weaknesses so of course, in moments like those, "I'm a big fucking cry baby", according to her.

I hate feeling like this.  She's convinced me over the past 3 years that I'm the problem.  It's all me.  I've recorded tons of our conversations and let a really close friend of mine listen...he thinks she is off her rocker.  My friends are trying to convince me that I am most definitely not the problem, but I'm having a tough time believing it.  I used to be full of so much confidence and now, I feel like a broken, battered and beaten puppy.  I feel like I deserve it.  Even now, re-reading this, I feel like I'm leaving something out, that I'm fudging the story about what's really going on.  I'm second guessing everything.

What I do know is this:

1) Me and her can't communicate in any fashion.  When I try to communicate with her, she gets evil angry and feels I'm attacking her. I'll try so hard to avoid fighting by being careful on what I say.  I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells around her

2) we never have sex.  I'm very sex orientated and have ALWAYS maintained a healthy sex relationship with past women.  For some reason, it's almost non existent with her.

3) I feel like I'm living with a roommate and even though there are some good times, in general, it feels like we are roommates who don't like each other.

4) She is NEVER wrong.  And that bothers me.  I've heard her give me less then 4 apologies in our entire relationship.  True apologies that is.  Most of her apologies are "I'm sorry BUT...I was mad you did this....you shouldn't have said this....I had a right to say it because of this..."  That isn't a true apology.

5) she told me one night after fighting that she flushed my engagement ring.  She maintained the lie for two weeks because, quote/unquote "I'm sorry, but I wanted you to know I meant business".  I'm still having a tough time dealing with this.  I know it's in the past, but how do you let go of that?


I could type and type and type...and I know I'm an emotional mess right now.

I feel I've lost myself.  I feel WE don't respect each other as lovers should.  I don't have the courage or emotional strength to consider ending it.  Yet, at this rate, I truly believe I'm going to suffer drastic health effects.

I know for a fact there are women I know out there who are just waiting to treat me good.  But I also know the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

What if we completely fall apart and it was the worst thing that could ever happen to me?

What if this is what relationships with kids and marriage are all about and I"m just not emotionally or mentally equipped to handle our fights?  Meaning, what is the problem is me after all?  She claims it is.


I'm so lost, so hurting, feel so alone.  I feel she is disgusted by me and hates me.  But when everything's "happy" she always is randomly telling me how much she loves me.  Though she doesn't love me.  I keep trying hard to be a person that will work harmoniously with her emotional and mental needs, but obviously it isn't working.  I tried being me for the first couple years and it was BAD, BAD!  So what's also horrible about this whole thing is, I don't even feel like I can be silly, fun loving me in front of her.

Almost all of her siblings and cousins have major bi-polar/schizophrenia issues.  Some of my friends and family think she may need medication.  I don't really believe in that stuff.

What's funny is, randomly in fights, she's told me that I'm seriously bi-polar.  I've never had a gf or family member think such a thing of me.  I'm quite centered, though a tad eccentric :P.  Before I met her, I was rarely sad.  I felt pretty good about life and myself, even after going through the previous break up.  I wonder if she's projecting?"

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"Now, she's in the process of moving out and wants me to help her bring stuff over.  I already offered to help move heavy stuff(like washer and dryer), but don't feel I should be bringing boxes over for her.  So she started playing the guilt trip, getting all pissy at me saying stuff like, "oh ok fine.  I guess the answer is your NOT going to help me like you said you would"

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Is this normal behaviour?  Am I bad guy for being resistant, but then eventually folding, in such situations?

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So after all that, which was about 10 months ago, it's only got more complicated, more hurtful and more emotionally unbearable for me

We are not together, but together.  For awhile, we were working on things from a "distance".  I pay her child support so that she can afford to live on her own and on my days off from work(I work shift work), I'd go pick her up and she'd come over with the kids.  Things were going okay and we were finally starting to communicate a bit without anger or defensiveness and then something happened.  She was still trying to have all the perks of being a family.  Me being her personal taxi(which had become the norm our whole relationship since she doesn't have a license) and me helping pay for all sorts of things.  In this one particular instance, she started trying to make me feel obligated to buy my step daughter's school supplies, above and beyond my child support I was giving her.  Remember, I'm giving child support to my fiance at this point.  We tell people we are a couple.  We are living apart though.  Our step daughter's biological father is in the picture and he pays half what I do.  Why on earth, with him in the picture, am I obligated to pay for costs above and beyond a child support payment?  She also wanted me to be available for rides for our step daughter, but with her across town, I could only accommodate so much.  I was available for some but not all.  I tried to question the logic of the money stuff, being very calm and level headed and tried to talk about the ride stuff and she absolutely blew up because she wasn't going to get her way.

In anger, she withdrew from me over the next handful of days and wasn't coming over to spend the night anymore. until one day, I could finally manage to spend time with her.  In this time she had already started going out on "coffee dates"...she says.  I only managed to get enough time with her for her to go on a lengthy, hurtful tirade of all the things wrong with me and why we can't be together.  Ultimately she said it was because "she wants to be able to go out with a guy if someone asks her".    My soul was crushed.

And less then a few days later, she slept with another man.

This isn't the first time she has betrayed my trust.

from another post right when I found out:

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After some more lying, she admits that another man was inside her last night   The mother of my child had another man fucking her last night.

So exactly 8 days since we had an incredibly intimate night...she has another man fucking her, pleasuring the mother of my child.

Exactly 5 days since I made the original post...she has another man fucking her, pleasuring the mother of my child.

GASDFjawpeuithgq3-ytAWDFQ20893YR98QWEFPAODHVF;klsFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

She seems pretty truthful and convincing that it was a first date...i don't know if thats worse or not.  After the beans were spilled, she was angry and shrill with me.  Very defensive.  Started blaming me  "it's quite clear you didn't want to work on things, so I need to move on".  Nothing could be further from the truth...I've showed no such things.  I've been basically chasing her, even as she packs up and leaves, even as she has me paying support and even when she tells me she wants to see other men, which instigated the OP.  But all the while, it SEEMED to me like she was giving me hope on working on things.  This could be my flaw.  Sure, she's confused and maybe I read into things far to much.  Maybe I couldn't let her go when I should have.

Which should have been long ago.

Now I have to go through this.  Just the way it happened...god I want to rip my hair out and drown in my puddle of tears right now.

I've never experienced the emotions I am now.  I'm a fucking wreck.  I want to die.

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s.  I invested SOOOO much into her...I didn't think she would move on from me in this fashion.  I never thought it would come to this

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Wasn't it nice of me to leave breakfast and a coffee for her on her step, so when she got dropped off after a morning of being fucked, it was waiting for her?

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as time goes on and I realize just how much pain and hurt she inflicts on me...especially the manner in which she slept with others(I just can't go into detail. I can't control my breathing right now and tears are streaming down my face). I am now a soulless, rotten person full of pain, anger and sadness. 

And this is who I am now.  This is the person I'll probably be forever   This is the person my kids will probably grow up knowing

I spent my 30th bday crying instead of celebrating...I posted my thoughts in the pub:

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and it's very apparent that life weighs you down more and more as the years go by.  I feel worn, I feel like my best years are behind me.

Each passing year, the obligations, the bills, the work schedule...it all just attaches itself to a person more and more and more until finally, you've lost the "being" part of the human being you once were.  I'm alive, but not living.

Granted, much of this comes down to the choices we make since a young age.  But after awhile, I think the majority of people, no matter how resilient they may be, will get like this as they get older.

One highlight from my "big day":

Spent time with the person that has weighed me down the most in the past years..  We don't live together anymore, but still have kids together. At one point, I thought we were still working on things.  At around midnight, she proceeded to reem me out for the way I am.  I apologized.  Left to another room and quietly sobbed.  She heard me and called me the biggest pussy she's ever met.

So apparently I'm a pussy as well as the oldest 30 year old in the world lol

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So I realize she still gets bent out of shape over petty things.  I realize that when I make reasonable decisions that she doesn't like, she'll still make unreasonable reactions to them

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But I've been a coward and let myself be on the receiving end of the rejection and pain.

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I have lost all my confidence and don't have much self worth anymore, after being in the trenches of war for 4 years, so to speak.  I truly feel traumatized in every sense of the word with what I've been through in the last 4 years

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I can't tell you how many anonymous posts and threads I made in this forum and physical well being forum about how this relationship was not working and was killing me.

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Just so much inner dialogue...so much turmoil.

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I recently have been going through a breakup that has been quite harrowing.  4 years of an intense emotional rollercoaster with this woman, who is the mother of my son and the mother of my step daughter.

I'm an emotional guy and invested everything I am into this.  With kids involved, it just increases the emotional turmoil when splitting by 10 fold.

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I think I'm more upset about losing my the relationship I want with my children.  They are my life and I want to see them everyday.

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I have been trying for years and years to make this work even though I have had moments of severe mistreatment.  In between those more severe moments, she has been unresponsive, unreasonable and selfish to trying to work on "us".  For years, we have been like roommates with a severe attachment, with the love of our kids binding us.

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I have came on here many of times anonymously and right out in the open about things going on in our relationship over the years.

The advice I'm always getting is, "get out.  It sounds very unhealthy and it'll be for the best".

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Sigh...I could go on and on.

Things got even more amplified for me when I started to fall for the most incredible woman during this split/turmoil/betrayal.

Like me, she also has had her self confidence utterly destroyed by her past partner.

I don't want to get into specifics, but I felt abandoned and destroyed by someone I have been attached to for many years, the mother of my child AND I felt abandoned and destroyed by losing possibly true love.  I loved her.

We talked about how one must love themselves before they can love another.  It takes great strength to avoid passion and lust that may or may not be masking true love, in an effort to stay true to the original goal of rebuilding one's SELF first.

So UNLIKE ME, not only did she have the strength to end a very toxic relationship that she was attached to, she had the strength to truly stick to the goal of rebuilding herself.

I'm so proud of her

But, of course, especially in my emotional state, it still hurts.  But I fully support it, if that makes sense.

Where am I now, today?

Well, we are back "on", in a so so way.  We are still living apart, I'm still paying child support, I'm still exhausting myself between my shift work and spending every single minute that I have off with them.  After my 12 hour shift on my last day, drive over and pack up overnight bags, etc...haul it over to my place.  Be a family for a couple days, and in that couple days taxi her and kids to all sorts of appointments, school and stores.  I run her to do her errands, etc.  I don't get to sleep in on hardly any of my days off and even when I take holidays from work, my holidays are spent running errands. 
Please note:  I wish you could see/hear my tone and mannerisms when talking about this.  I am NOT complaining.  This is the life of a dad and future husband. Yet I'm not a future husband in our current state. I'm just trying to explain what my typical weeks are like, in conjunction with the reality of our relationship

I'm still experiencing very heated moments, name calling and hurtful comments.

I really don't mind if we were a legitimate family living under one roof...such is life.  But it seems like I'm living in limbo.

The structure and foundation of our relationship, especially when coupled with our nasty and toxic relationship history, makes this a very complicated and a, in my opinion, unhealthy situation.

The nights I'm working and sleeping at home, I spend it crying and mulling over every single syllable I've uttered in this gigantic post.  Millions of thoughts, flowing with raging amounts of cortisol, make their way through my brain every minute of every day.  I shake, shudder and cry in my sleep too apparently.

So of course, when we have a particularly bad moment, it brings this all to the surface and I just have a complete breakdown.  And in essence, I'm admittedly a lot more emotionally touchy I imagine

Today was one of those days.

I've had a week off from work.  And in that week I've done everything I can to approach her outbursts with calmness and positivity.  Just trying to be like flowing water and not get stuck on this stuff.  In this last week, I've been called an asshole 4 or 5 times.  I've also heard "fuck you" and "fuck off", quite a bit.  I haven't once uttered such things this week.  But I have raised my voice when she has raised hers.  It's so tough to catch myself   I have even dropped a fuck work in frustration too

Anyhow, the last day of my holidays and I'm feeling a little out of sorts, just lots of this stuff on my brain.  I take her out for breakfast, we do some running around and then she brings up the question about when I'm planning to pay for support.  I pay it on the same day every month....the end of the month.  She knows this.  So I'm about to offer to give it to her early, but before I offer this I want to talk about how this situation just seems off to me.  How it makes me feel not good.  She instantly starts snarling and growling, almost literally...like extreme defensive mode.  Like I'm attacking her.  She tells me she knew this would happen if she brings it up and that's why she dreads talking about child support.  The last time I even tried to mention my "feelings" about this aspect of our relationship was 3 months ago and she blew up on me then too.

So I guess I feel like I can never complete the conversation because she goes into defend and attack mode.  Because of this it is I  who is scared to talk about it.  A common theme of our entire relationship.  I walk on egg shells around her.

She feels the same.  We will get into conversations like this in front of the kids.  I try to quietly steer the conversation elsewhere or quietly try to remind her the kids are listening and tell her not now...but she always needs to escalate it when she's angry.  She'll start telling me how her whole family thinks this about me or that about me...and she says it in front of my kids.  that's very devastating for me because what she's doing is burying these impressions of me in our kid's heads

I'm not a bad guy.  I try so hard to give her everything she needs...emotionally, physically and financially. 

I'm so distraught.

There were no kids present in today's fight, so it was particularly nasty.  took place in the vehicle.  It went from talking about child support, to her threatening to go after more, to me threatening to fight tooth and nail if she ever threatens me with such horrible things, to her flipping out that I threatened her and that she didn't even threaten me.  "no person on the planet would think what I just said was a threat to you.  and then you had to come out of nowhere with nasty threats".  She makes my head spin...she utterly destroyed me with threats about child support and the like, so of course I reacted.  Not saying I reacted properly.  It was very heated at this point and I'm not proud about it.  But the fact she can't see what she says or does to me makes me question my sanity, for real.

Then I realized it was spiraling out of control and said, "we really need to realize this sort of talk is nothing but bad.  I know you are so mad (she snaps back about how damn rights she is and that she wants me to drive her home) and I explain I'm so mad too.  She brings up how i threatened her and she didn't threaten me.  I ignore it.  I say, "you're upset, sad as well and so am I.  How about, in such a time, we both try to dig down deep when it matters and realize just how much we love each other and try to make each other feel loved and positive instead of the opposite?".  I rub her shoulder and tell her I love her and that we should do this for each other...try to change the direction to a positive one.  She's biting her tongue and reeling...she makes a few more nasty quips, but starts to settle down. 

I get to the bank, write her a cheque, she goes in and deposits it, I drive her home, we hug.  I tell her I'm sorry if I said anything that bother or hurt her.  She says the same back to me.

I feel just so much pent up frustrations and sadness though.  It should be done BUT I can't look at it with the tiny spotlight.  It's all part of a bigger, fucked up picture.

I have completely rambled to no end.  Now I'm not crying anymore.

I don't know what to do.

I want it to work, but the bottom line...she makes me feel so bad about myself. 

None of my past girlfriends think badly about me.  They thought and still think to this day that I was a positive, goofy, caring, sensitive guy who strove to push them to follow their hearts, helping them every bit of the way. 

This woman thinks I'm a controlling, angry, depressed and selfish person. 

That devastates me.  It couldn't be further from the truth.

I definitely am depressed nowadays though...who wouldn't be after what I've gone through the last 4 or so years

if anything, these are the adjectives that describe her to a tee.  I even noted this in posts from a few years ago about how she's possessive, controlling, jealous, etc.  I mean, maybe it has started to rub off on me.  I don't want that

Anyway, I really am hurting guys/girls.  I just wanted to talk to someone.

I want to have this family, happy and wholesome, living under a single roof.

She's lied about so much to me, she's betrayed me, she's shot me down with words, flushed engagements rings and lied about it, did things behind my back and made me feel absolutely worthless and horrible about being me and on purpose no less.  She has manipulated me to no end and has abused the way I spoil her with material objects and money.

This is my internal dialogue.  This is the sort of things I would never dare say to her because 1. I don't want to hurt her and 2. retribution

If she was to read this, she would do everything in her power to destroy me I think.  Financially and emotionally.

It scares and hurts me to think that's the truth.  How could someone do that and past things to someone they say they love?

I'm still hanging on to this relationship though...despite everyone's advice to get out.  So I guess I deserve it all.

I just really want it to work out.  I've put too much of myself into her and this "family" for it to fail

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I'm still hanging on to this relationship though...despite everyone's advice to get out.  So I guess I deserve it all.

I just really want it to work out.  I've put too much of myself into her and this "family" for it to fail

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You don't deserve it. But you need to get out. You know this.
The time invested isn't a waste because it helps you grow - and you will see this years down the road. But it shouldn't be the thing holding you back. Because from what you describe the relationship is very toxic, and toxic relationships never end well. If you stay you know what your future is going to be, albeit worse. Once a relationship has gotten to where it has with you, reconciliation is not possible imo.
From your posts quoted I know who you are - and I know we have talked about this. You are a great guy - and deserve better. For not only your sake but that of your child's - get out.

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Once a relationship has gotten to where it has with you, reconciliation is not possible imo.

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I don't want to face this, but I fear it's true.  And it's killing me inside.

Putting that post together the other day really helped me vent, but it also brought so many things to the surface that I tried to tuck away in a deep closet somewhere.

I'm realizing now that I may have been lied to more then I thought.

I tried to go the route where I PRETEND to forget and pretend to be happy and live in the now only.  The whole concept that if I fake happiness, eventually it will become me...or us, one could say.  Maybe I didn't give it enough time, but that didn't work either.  And I find it hard to pretend to enjoy the "now", when the now can sometimes be completely heart wrenching to me at times. 

It's only a hop skip and a jump from there until it all resurfaces itself in my mind.

I know nervous breakdown is a very muddy/vague term...but I've truly been through a handful this past year.  I've had everything I've cared about so deeply and fought for so passionately, ripped away from me.  I've had zero control over what has happened and at times it was very cold and malicious...at some times, it was happening while knowing she was almost enjoying the power of watching me crumple up and die inside my sorrow and grief.  At times, every circuit feels completely fried inside my brain as I feel buckets of tears falling from my face, my heart literally AND figuratively aching, sweat pouring, lymph nodes swelling, extreme pressure in temples, numbness in fingertips and/or hands and arms...and then I wake up on the floor of my kitchen or something.

I've had close family members pass away during this time and while crushing, it can't come even close to the grief I am feeling.  It is unparalleled.  I can't convey my grief.  And it's not me saying this woman, this relationship causes me these horrible things.  It's me saying that my current situation within our relationship...our history, the memories I'm re-living, the future I'm unsure of, the way I know that everything I gave up as a person may have been for nothing is gone, the way I hate myself, I blame myself and believe her that I'm the main source for all this conflict and "poison" within us and this relationship(but another part of me knows that even though I'm guilty of wrongs, she is projecting her own issues and shortcomings onto me)...that is what is causing these horrible things.

This isn't just a hard breakup.

I've been through LONG term break ups before this one.  I parted ways with another after 4 years...I definitely felt grief.  I cried.  It was hard.  But I didn't feel what I feel now.

The kids involved are such a huge factor to me.  Like all day at work and since I've got home, I can't get images of holding my newborn son and sharing special moments with her, out of my head.  Of course, I also can't get out of my head how she told me horrible things about myself and threatened to leave all the time, knowing how attached I was to all of them.  I think about how I might never get to experience future family moments like that.  I think about how my kids might be sharing milestones and special moments with her and another guy behind a camera.

I can't stop crying tonight.  I'm such a mess.

I never knew a human being could feel this horrible.

it sure opens my eyes and gives me more empathy towards people that are always talking about committing suicide on here.  I don't condone it, but I sure can understand their internal struggles a little better now   I could never understand before how someone could be pushed to such an extreme.  now I know.

I know I've had my wrongs and I'm no saint, but I feel that I went over and beyond what a partner should do for their loved one...and what he should put up with.

I have told her romantic things EVERY day, and I mean every day, since we've met.  I tell her how beautiful she is, how lucky I am, how incredible her hair looks today, how I love her sexy walk when we are out and about...usually multiple times a day, I've buttered her up for years.  And she loves it.  But I know she's grown used to it.  I talk to lots of guys at work and whatnot...they don't do that stuff as hardcore as me.

I'd buy her gifts and flowers almost every payday.  I wrote poems, I stuffed notes in her purse all the time.

I helped around the house more then most men being the sole bread winner and working shift work.  In general, I live pretty clean to begin with.

I'm a great dad who spends time, interacts and loves his children unconditionally.

She seemed to always have a problem with me having fun without her early on in the relationship.  It especially started when she was pregnant.  She felt alone and alienated being left at home while I went out after work with some coworkers for a burger and a beer.  Yet, I'd try to give her ample opportunities to go out with her own friends, offering to stay home many a night.  She never took it and then felt it somehow obligated me to do the same.  Nasty things were said to me about my character and the like.  So of course, over the first couple years, I alienated myself from all my friends. 

She convinced me that a dedicated "family man", would put his family first and make his family the sole priority.  So that's what I did.  And that's what I've been doing for years.

I have no friends in town now and I haven't for years.  I find I naturally sidestep invitations to do something and make excuses on my own, without her input.  It's how I've been trained.  Eventually, friends stop calling if you are always busy.

I was a very social person but I didn't mind at all giving up my social life to be with her and the kids every second of every day.  And essentially, that has been my existence for the past few years.  I could say on my death bed tomorrow with 100 percent honesty, that I spend 98% of all my time away from work with her and the kids.

I told myself at a young age this is very unhealthy and it would never be me.  I told myself that the woman I ended up with should have her own social circle and I have mine and regularly the two combine.  I used to think it was healthy for each partner to have their own friends and hobbies.  What else do you talk about over dinner?

Our dinners are awkward silences, chit chat about our kids and "I love you's" to fill the awkward silences

I'm not perfect, but I think I'm a pretty decent guy.  I've had moments I'm not proud of when something inside me overcompensates for years of trauma...when something says, "god damnit, I'm a human being, I have rights".  Sometimes when she's let her anger get the best of her, I've let it get the best of me.  I've never hit her or anything of that nature, but I have punched walls.  But I figure after her punching me in the face(which of course, she venomously will snarl never happened), punching a closet door was acceptable on some level.  I don't feel proud about these moments.



Instead of being an equal partner, I became an object that could be manipulated to a certain extent for self gratifying purposes no less.  And we are talking about subconscious, deep rooted purposes.  She didn't maliciously and intentionally do most of this I like to imagine. 

My friends and family think I'm a doormat.  And they are probably right.

But if you've read this entire rant, I hope I have conveyed even 1% of how much I've poured my inner soul into this relationship.

It's why, when it's all falling apart and she keeps hurting me, that I feel so crushed.

I hate the pain I'm holding onto.

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From your posts quoted I know who you are - and I know we have talked about this. You are a great guy - and deserve better. For not only your sake but that of your child's - get out.

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I know tymoteus.  You give such great advice.  And it's so eerily identical to words spoken by my most closest friend.  your support, encouragement and always available ears(well in this case, eyes :P ), mean a lot to me.

I sure hope I can navigate through this.

For a period there, when I came back, I tried to portray I was on that path.  I was hoping faking it, meant making it.

I've crumbled.

But one can never truly move on until it's actually over.  And I didn't let it die.

Your words are always soothing and appreciated   But I also like analytical and correct.  You manage to meld them all in the right amounts.  It's a good trait

sigh...I'm such a mess.

I think she can sense it...she's really making an effort for the first time in a long time to reach out to me.  normally I'm always texting her, but she's sending me texts telling me that she loves me more than I'll ever know and stuff like that.  it feels good when I feel so low




Sheekle:  Thank's for listening and for your support

LunarEclipse said:

The physical symptoms you describe given the anxiety and panic ARE SERIOUS.  This is a large part of your problem, you are literally sick.  I went through a little of what you are going through with a toxic "woman" for lack of a better term. 

You know you have to leave her, it's just a question of terms.  One thing for sure, grab your manhood back, don't ever let her punch you again and tell her the put downs are done too.  Mean it, and live it.  If she doesn't back down and punches you in the face again, call the cops.  This woman sounds like she needs a wake up call.

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So, the pills didn't work, or she didn't take them?

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She said she was taking them, so they didn't work.  She just went on this fancy insulin pump at the time(she's a type 1 diabetic) and apparently her doctor said that fluctuating blood sugars while adapting to the pump, can interfere with B.C.   Who knows though

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I don't know you but for you to state "who I am as a person is horrible and it pushes her buttons" based on your story seems like you are under a spell or something.

It happens, women are quite capable of controlling men, and do it all the time.  Perhaps you try to control her by "pushing her buttons" and of course that doesn't work, because clearly in this case she is in the drivers seat. 

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I think you and tymoteus are onto something here perhaps

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She's manipulated and controlled you sounds like from early on, and to the present.

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Yes, by definition, she really has.  But perhaps I've been the same or done other horrible things to influence her behaviour?  I can somehow convince myself of this, so then I feel I may deserve it

I remember a time where I was very confident, positive and looking towards the future.  I was always smiling.

Now I have very low self confidence, generally negative and look towards the past.  It makes me very sad to realize this is who I am now.  I truly feel that regardless of what happens, I'll never truly recover.

I'm scared of forcing the catalyst with time apart, because I've been NEAR similar waters with her before and she took it the extra mile and hurt me very badly.  Because I am weak and unhealthily attached to her and the thought of "us", I cry when I should be angry...and I apologize when I shouldn't sometimes.

I'm living with to much fear and pain inside and it's becoming unbearable.  I'm being pushed very near to a place I won't be able to return from.

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Also do not make excuses for her. That is what let's this kind of abuse (and it is abuse - it's not only women that can be abused) perpetuate, and making excuses for the abuser is a very common sign in abusive toxic relationships.

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According to you, others on this board, my parents, my sibling, my co-workers and my close friends....this seems to be very true  

There is more going on now...and I think it may be bad sign.

There is a lot of back story to make this make sense, but I just got off a night shift and don't feel like typing it all up.

Long story short:

She has a box of condoms from when she decided to sleep with another man while we were working on things and living apart.  As explained in my big post, we were still considered a couple at that time, so it was a huge betrayal for me.  Of course, when she's angry and it comes up, she lets me know how little remorse she has about it and how she didn't cheat on me. 

Anyhow, me still struggling with trust issues, having low self confidence, jealousy, negativity and all around sobby sallyness...looked in her tickle trunk months later when I had the opportunity and found a new box of condoms...extra large magnum kind.  They were all in there, but the box was open.  I couldn't keep it bottled up and confronted her, she snapped and got very defense and angry for me violating her privacy.  She's right   She said that that box was there all the time, I must not have seen it the first time I look in the drawer.  Ok I thought, perhaps that's possible.

The other day, which is many months after the last, I snooped again   There is now one missing from that box.

Again, I confronted on her and she absolutely lost it.  She called me an asshole, told me I was fucked in the head and other such things.  She started packing up her overnight bag, while screaming at me and telling me she's sick of me not trusting her, etc, etc.  I stayed calm the whole time and didn't retaliate once with yelling or name calling.  Between her snapshow, she said she used it on one of her toys.  15 minutes later, when she was a little bit more cooled down, she confessed that she wanted to experiment with a banana because she had a dildo with that kind of curve before and misses it.

Of course, this is possible.

She's very superstitious and even in jest will never, for example, swear on our sons life.  She takes words like that very seriously.  Well in this case, she swore on our sons life that she hasn't cheated on me.

But because of the unhealthy place my mind is, of course I act in a manner that is not acceptable(snooping in her private drawer).  I feel guilty.  I feel in the wrong.  But my gut feels very wrong about it all...even the stuff on her end.

With our past, and knowing just how terrible she thinks I am sometimes, knowing she's unhappy enough to have already moved out, stayed apart almost a year now and unhappy enough to have already slept with someone else.....finding missing condoms really gets my mind going.

She swore on our son's life and I really want to believe her.

But like you said tymoteus, this relationship might be already past the point of reconciliation, before this missing condom even happened. 

The only time I can think she has available to cheat is when our son goes to pre-school...a 3 hour window in the morning.  Rationally, it doesn't seem very practical or likely.

sigh...I've gotten to such a bad place emotionally...when I found that the other day, I drove back to my place crying my eyes out.

I came in hysterical and told her I loved her before spilling the beans on what was bothering me...on what I had found.

I started apologizing over and over for not trusting her, while crying, while she went off the deep end in anger.

I'm pretty pathetic, I know

I never used to be like this

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I started apologizing over and over for not trusting her, while crying, while she went off the deep end in anger.

I'm pretty pathetic, I know

I never used to be like this

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The greatest difficulty you may have after this relationship blows apart, is that when you're unresponsive to her or you've distanced yourself, you feel guilty. When she neglects or rejects you, you feel tremendous shame. Both of these sensations are deeply troubling--which causes substantial conflict within. In truth, these feelings have been living inside of you since boyhood, which is why they feel so loaded or emotionally charged. Unfortunately, they also trap you in a state of limbo, because it feels bad to stay connected, yet bad to cut it off.

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Things got even more amplified for me when I started to fall for the most incredible woman during this split/turmoil/betrayal.

Like me, she also has had her self confidence utterly destroyed by her past partner.

I don't want to get into specifics, but I felt abandoned and destroyed by someone I have been attached to for many years, the mother of my child AND I felt abandoned and destroyed by losing possibly true love.  I loved her.

We talked about how one must love themselves before they can love another.  It takes great strength to avoid passion and lust that may or may not be masking true love, in an effort to stay true to the original goal of rebuilding one's SELF first.

So UNLIKE ME, not only did she have the strength to end a very toxic relationship that she was attached to, she had the strength to truly stick to the goal of rebuilding herself.

I'm so proud of her

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With all this time alone, and holidays where I just hit the road, has come a time of even more amplified reflection.

I'm so glad me, her, we(essentially) put the brakes on us.  Even if I pursued something which undoubtedly would have been quite meaningful, there is a very good chance with the state of her emotional well being and the state of mine, our relationship would have been doomed.  I could have never been the man she deserves and the man I want to be.

It really is true that things all happen as they should and for a reason