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paperbackwriter
Edward Lear


Registered: 03/31/14
Posts: 1,888
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22043695 - 08/04/15 06:21 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Man that's rough. Sorry man.
-------------------- Why should we strive with cynic frown To knock their fairy castles down? ~ Eliza Cook It's rather embarrassing to have given one's entire life to pondering the human predicament and to find that in the end one has little more to say than, 'Try to be a little kinder.' ~Aldous Huxley
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Anonymous #1
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22043703 - 08/04/15 06:23 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
paperbackwriter said: Did she use a condom? If not did she have sex with you after the affair?
If she didn't expose you to an STD then I suggest marriage counseling for both of you and individual counseling for her. If she can't agree to that I'd say she's not willing to put the effort in to make things work.
If she did expose you to an STD I would end it for good.
I just called her to ask her about that. No, and yes, respectively.
I dumped her on the spot.
Thanks for everyones help
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Mr.GuessWork
Stranger

Registered: 03/30/13
Posts: 4,563
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22043757 - 08/04/15 06:32 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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k dude. Dumping people in anger is a shitty way to end relationships, but do what you want. Just think about it a bit when you calm down. You're angry at somebody who probably hates herself, so try to have some compassion with how you end it at least. You'll feel bad about this later, and this board doesn't need anymore bitter misogynists. Sorry shit's hard though, man.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Mr.GuessWork]
#22043771 - 08/04/15 06:35 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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So he should have waited until he was all positive about it to do it? You can't really break up in a right way with someone like that. 
Think whatever you want, but bad relationships are best dealt with like old bandaids.
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Mr.GuessWork
Stranger

Registered: 03/30/13
Posts: 4,563
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Anonymous #1]
#22043800 - 08/04/15 06:39 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said: So he should have waited until he was all positive about it to do it? You can't really break up in a right way with someone like that. 
Think whatever you want, but bad relationships are best dealt with like old bandaids.
There's no reason to do it on an angry impulse like that. I think he should have waited until he thought about how to do it. I don't have any problem with the decision to do it in itself.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Mr.GuessWork]
#22043813 - 08/04/15 06:41 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Ah ok, fair enough.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: paperbackwriter] 2
#22043833 - 08/04/15 06:44 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I'd really love to respond in turn to all of the help given here, but I'm a little fucked up right now, so I hope you'll excuse me for not doing so. You've all been so helpful and I appreciate the advice so much.
I loved her more than I have loved anyone in my life, but I think, in the end, we all have to be prepared to give up the things we love most in this world, along with our lives at the end of the game.
I think I need to spend some time looking for a more healthy partner. My track record ain'y good though, of the three long term relationships I have ever had, the first commited suicide, the second is sectioned under the mental health act, and the third is my first wife who I have been referring to tonight.
I should probably start a new thread about how one finds a [reasonably] mentally healthy partner in this world, but I'm grieving pretty bad right now and will probably be doing so for some time.
Peace and love to all you lovely people out there.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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larry.fisherman
shoulda died already



Registered: 11/03/12
Posts: 36,294
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 2
#22043855 - 08/04/15 06:48 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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First and foremost if you feel like the pattern is beyond coincidence, consider what you desire in a person. Maybe you're drawn toward characteristics that aren't.. cohesive. Maybe you have had a rough go. Either way, try not to let these things put you off of having a happy relationship some day.
For now, just feel your feels. I hope you feel better man and best of luck to you.
Try not to turn to drugs. Or alcohol.. k?
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Mr.GuessWork]
#22043860 - 08/04/15 06:49 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Mr.GuessWork said:
Quote:
Anonymous said: So he should have waited until he was all positive about it to do it? You can't really break up in a right way with someone like that. 
Think whatever you want, but bad relationships are best dealt with like old bandaids.
There's no reason to do it on an angry impulse like that. I think he should have waited until he thought about how to do it. I don't have any problem with the decision to do it in itself.
You're right man, I called her back to apologise for doing it in that manner. I said I would meet her face to face to make whatever arrangements we need to make, although I very much don't want to. I had been planning to save everything (all the various opinions from friends, along with you guys, that I have been gathering to form my plan of action) until a face to face meet on Saturday but considering the STD thing just got me so damn riled up (not helped by having a couple of drinks) that I made a silly mistake.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
Edited by Jokeshopbeard (08/04/15 06:58 PM)
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: larry.fisherman]
#22043896 - 08/04/15 06:55 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
XLCaps said: First and foremost if you feel like the pattern is beyond coincidence, consider what you desire in a person. Maybe you're drawn toward characteristics that aren't.. cohesive. Maybe you have had a rough go. Either way, try not to let these things put you off of having a happy relationship some day.
For now, just feel your feels. I hope you feel better man and best of luck to you.
Try not to turn to drugs. Or alcohol.. k?
Thanks man. I'm pretty good on the drugs thing these days but I have succumbed to the particular numbing qualities of alcohol in the evenings when the house is empty. I'm actually in a pretty good place in my life overall, meditating a lot, reading a lot, and generally feeling very positive about existence. Not had much of a rough go myself, I'm a reasonably balanced individual, but I like people who are 'different'. God knows how that ends up being translated into 'severely mentally unstable' women but that's what seems to attract me.
Maybe I need to try internet dating instead?
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Mr.GuessWork
Stranger

Registered: 03/30/13
Posts: 4,563
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22043939 - 08/04/15 07:02 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Peace and love, man. Don't beat yourself up. I always hate being in the middle of these intense emotionally-charged situations. It makes it hard to think and put stuff in perspective. I'd suggest you let your head get to a more stable place before you do anything else, and it sounds like you're already on track with that.
You could probably continue this thread with your thoughts when you feel like it. I'm always tempted to fall for the vulnerable girls too. I wish I knew why. I must find desperation attractive or something. Maybe it makes me feel needed or valuable. It's definitely unhealthy to be a crutch though. A partner has to be able to hold their own most of the time. There's got to be some equality and reciprocity for it to work, I think. Otherwise I'd start to feel like a care taker, and that's not what I want.
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DubSpore
Busy being human



Registered: 07/04/12
Posts: 925
Loc: Ohio
Last seen: 3 months, 4 days
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22043951 - 08/04/15 07:05 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I just found out today my girlfriend cheated on me a week ago. Thing is, I live in Montana. Moved away from Ohio and her like 1 month ago for college and she already cheated on me. She is begging for my forgiveness and promising to never do it again but I dumped her n told her it is all over. She has a past of sexual and physical and mental abuse and she didnt even want to fuck the guy she did. She felt pressured into doing it and gave in. She also cuts and I fear she will do it but at the same time I know she already has and I just dont give a fuck anymore but I'm blindly in love with her. But want nothing to do with disgusting trash like her.
I resonate with this thread so much. Thanks for this guys.
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larry.fisherman
shoulda died already



Registered: 11/03/12
Posts: 36,294
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: DubSpore]
#22043969 - 08/04/15 07:08 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
DubSpore said: I just found out today my girlfriend cheated on me a week ago. Thing is, I live in Montana. Moved away from Ohio and her like 1 month ago for college and she already cheated on me. She is begging for my forgiveness and promising to never do it again but I dumped her n told her it is all over. She has a past of sexual and physical and mental abuse and she didnt even want to fuck the guy she did. She felt pressured into doing it and gave in. She also cuts and I fear she will do it but at the same time I know she already has and I just dont give a fuck anymore but I'm blindly in love with her. But want nothing to do with disgusting trash like her.
I resonate with this thread so much. Thanks for this guys.
My sister used to cut herself. She no longer does.
I wouldn't concern yourself with that behaviour too much, it's a chemical release thing. Either way you can't live your life entirely for other people. IMO you made the right choice.
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DubSpore
Busy being human



Registered: 07/04/12
Posts: 925
Loc: Ohio
Last seen: 3 months, 4 days
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: larry.fisherman]
#22043994 - 08/04/15 07:12 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Thanks man. I don't know about her though. She has done vertical and tried to hang herself before.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Mr.GuessWork]
#22044004 - 08/04/15 07:14 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Mr.GuessWork said: Peace and love, man. Don't beat yourself up. I always hate being in the middle of these intense emotionally-charged situations. It makes it hard to think and put stuff in perspective. I'd suggest you let your head get to a more stable place before you do anything else, and it sounds like you're already on track with that.
You could probably continue this thread with your thoughts when you feel like it. I'm always tempted to fall for the vulnerable girls too. I wish I knew why. I must find desperation attractive or something. Maybe it makes me feel needed or valuable. It's definitely unhealthy to be a crutch though. A partner has to be able to hold their own most of the time. There's got to be some equality and reciprocity for it to work, I think. Otherwise I'd start to feel like a care taker, and that's not what I want.
Thanks man, I really appreciate the well wishes right now. I've actually been seeing a therapist myself recently, and she has commented on the fact that:
"Maybe it makes me feel needed or valuable."
I think there's something to that. I seem to have some subconscious need to be a rescuer - and quite possibly because it is actually me that wants to be rescued, according to my therapist. Who knows when it comes to the subconscious. I definitely Feel I have been a care taker in recent months, and it's impacted the rest of my life a lot. My usual hobbies no longer get time because of it.
I'm starting to get a little perspective on how unhealthy this last year and a half of her issues has been...
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Mr.GuessWork
Stranger

Registered: 03/30/13
Posts: 4,563
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22044139 - 08/04/15 07:42 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
Mr.GuessWork said: Peace and love, man. Don't beat yourself up. I always hate being in the middle of these intense emotionally-charged situations. It makes it hard to think and put stuff in perspective. I'd suggest you let your head get to a more stable place before you do anything else, and it sounds like you're already on track with that.
You could probably continue this thread with your thoughts when you feel like it. I'm always tempted to fall for the vulnerable girls too. I wish I knew why. I must find desperation attractive or something. Maybe it makes me feel needed or valuable. It's definitely unhealthy to be a crutch though. A partner has to be able to hold their own most of the time. There's got to be some equality and reciprocity for it to work, I think. Otherwise I'd start to feel like a care taker, and that's not what I want.
Thanks man, I really appreciate the well wishes right now. I've actually been seeing a therapist myself recently, and she has commented on the fact that:
"Maybe it makes me feel needed or valuable."
I think there's something to that. I seem to have some subconscious need to be a rescuer - and quite possibly because it is actually me that wants to be rescued, according to my therapist. Who knows when it comes to the subconscious. I definitely Feel I have been a care taker in recent months, and it's impacted the rest of my life a lot. My usual hobbies no longer get time because of it.
I'm starting to get a little perspective on how unhealthy this last year and a half of her issues has been...
This is cool. You've got me thinking about it in myself right now, and maybe you're similar. I don't think it's entirely unhealthy to be attracted to people that need help. I generally like helping people, and it usually makes my world a less fucked up place when I do it (we all need help). I don't see any reason to change that behavior just because sex is involved. There's definitely a balance that needs to be maintained though. The danger comes when you're helping so often that it becomes like indulging an addiction. At that point you're chasing a high more than you're trying to actually make anything better. People need to help themselves when they can, and it's counterproductive to take that away from them. Sometimes you've got to leave them in a situation where they are forced to overcome their own suffering, and that gives them the power to make their own world better rather than have it be made better for them as if they're a victim of benevolence.
I was laying in corpse pose and resting after a yoga practice one time when something cool happened. A fly landed on my hand, and I wanted to take action and do the benevolent thing for it and still make it go away. I considered two options: crush the fly and kill it, or shake my hand and make the fly go somewhere else to live. Both options made me feel like a dick, and I realized that neither option was benevolent. The right thing to do was to let the fly have the power to make up it's own mind. All I had to do was take action to not impose upon the fly, so I stayed in corpse pose and eventually felt the fly buzz away. I think the same idea applies to people. The trick with helping people is to influence the situation in way that gives them the freedom and wisdom to help themselves. Sometimes that can be done by taking a load off their shoulders, sometimes it can be done by giving them the right advice, and sometimes all it takes is a well timed joke to free their mind from their overwhelming concerns for a bit.
Edited by Mr.GuessWork (08/04/15 07:45 PM)
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin



Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 7,659
Last seen: 4 years, 14 days
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22044144 - 08/04/15 07:43 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I'm glad you want to end this on proper adult terms but don't let her use this time to figure out how to win you back. I know at this moment you think that seems absolutely ridiculous but it happens all the time. You know how you feel, don't let all that emotional connection get in the way of what you know is right.
Keep your head above water man, your life only goes up from here
--------------------
A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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automan
blasted chipmunk


Registered: 09/18/03
Posts: 8,272
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22044510 - 08/04/15 08:55 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I just read the first post and none of the replies, so forgive me if I am missing something else... but you should get out. If you don't, you will spend your whole life in various shades of this same color... always giving everything and rarely receiving. My exwife is bipolar and I would never leave someone because they developed a mental issue. But when my exwife cheated, the nest day I took her to live at her sister's house and that was it. Now I'm a single dad with 2 kids and it's hard... but it's not harder than dealing with crazy 24/7. Get out now before you have to leave with kids in tow.
-------------------- No, no, you're not thinking, you're just being logical. ~ Niels Bohr
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Srirachi
Mold Hand



Registered: 10/18/05
Posts: 11,411
Loc: Fare Thee Well.
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22045181 - 08/04/15 11:30 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I think you have to decide if you can work through this or not. If you're not going to get over it then you have to leave, because you'll make her miserable and be pretty miserable yourself.
If I understand this, she told you and didn't get caught - that has to count for something man.
Best of luck
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TheEaglesGift
The Nagual


Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 10,554
Loc: Ixtlan, Mexico
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Srirachi]
#22045544 - 08/05/15 01:28 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I'm not to keen on staying with my wife if another man cums in her pussy, but that's just me.
Everyone is different.
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