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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated
#22040915 - 08/04/15 06:54 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Heya fellow shroomerites,
I don't often hang in this subforum but I could really do with a few opinions from you guys on this situation. There's a little background to it so I hope you'll bear with me;
My wife of 4 years has been suffering chronic depression for most of her life due to a highly abusive childhood and like most people who suffer this illness, it waxes and wanes in severity. It's been particularly bad of late due to her being out of work for a year, feeling purposeless, and due to the recent death of her best friend. She has been suicidal at times (I had to talk her down from throwing herself off a multistorey car park 2 weeks ago), abusive at others (psychosis plays a part here I think), and whilst I have been there for her in every way possible, it's definitely taken a toll on me. I was already wondering how much more of this I can handle.
Then Sunday just gone she dropped the bombshell that she slept with a friend of hers with whom she was grieving over the death of her friend. That was a month ago. I have read into some of the underlying psychology of affairs and understand that this can happen (especially with drugs & alcohol thrown into the mix) when grieving is involved, and quite true to the textbook definition of an 'accidental' affair, it was with someone she doesn't even find attractive.
Not that any of this makes her actions forgivable. I always maintained that I would go through anything for her, barring an affair, and stated that I would end the relationship if that happened. Unfortunately however, there are additional complications.
Obviously the state of her mental health has a part to play here, although I think she's become quite comfortable in the depths of depression and is not really working to pull herself out of it. I don't have any experience with the illness but have close friends that do, who maintain that only the depressed individual can change anything.
There's also the added complication that we're on the cusp of buying a house together (my perfect house, at a bargain price no less), and if I decide I can't continue the relationship it means we lose the house (we're renting it right now) and have to be out by the end of the month, which is a massive stress that would be damaging to my own mental health right now.
~
My dilemma is establishing if I can stay with her after this. I love her dearly but my trust is shattered and I find the thought of making love to her repulsive, knowing that another man has done so. And sex is very important to me.
It seems I have two options; lay down some serious groundrules going forward, along with a deadline in which she needs to prove she's worth it, OR, move out, get a place myself, and simply start my life anew.
Should she get another chance though? I'm a strong individual so I know I can carry on without her, but I'm worried what it might do to her if I leave her now. She's very fragile. Or perhaps losing me would be enough for her to start making real changes in her life, which she might not have the impetus to do if I give her another chance?
What might you do if this happened to you? Anything at all, no matter how much you say, would be greatly appreciated.
Peace and love to you all.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Arctic W. Fox

Registered: 09/23/14
Posts: 1,357
Last seen: 5 years, 2 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 11
#22040947 - 08/04/15 07:19 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Before you get yourself any deeper into this, drop her like a flaming bag of dog shit.
There is no accidental affair.
Once a cheater - always a cheater. This isn't her first rodeo, just the first time she got caught.
You're dating a psycho... what the fuck is wrong with you, man? You're not her babysitter, mother, or psychologist. Do you like holding onto the anchor while it drops to the bottom of the ocean of mental instability?
Really? I mean, really!
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Anonymous #1
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Arctic W. Fox] 4
#22041005 - 08/04/15 07:53 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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If the depression is a trigger and she's always depressed, then the question is, can you handle it if it happens again?
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qman
Stranger

Registered: 12/06/06
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Anonymous #1] 4
#22041074 - 08/04/15 08:24 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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OP, you sound like a very intelligent man, do yourself a huge favor and start a new life, you deserve better.
Don't worry about the house, ground rules or deadlines, your relationship is over, in fact it ended a long time ago.
Edited by qman (08/04/15 08:24 AM)
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Malcolm_Xtasy
Oh baby what Is you doin??



Registered: 04/04/12
Posts: 13,851
Loc:
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: qman] 2
#22041170 - 08/04/15 09:04 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Arctic W. Fox said: Before you get yourself any deeper into this, drop her like a flaming bag of dog shit.
There is no accidental affair.
Once a cheater - always a cheater. This isn't her first rodeo, just the first time she got caught.
You're dating a psycho... what the fuck is wrong with you, man? You're not her babysitter, mother, or psychologist. Do you like holding onto the anchor while it drops to the bottom of the ocean of mental instability?
Really? I mean, really!
Quote:
qman said: OP, you sound like a very intelligent man, do yourself a huge favor and start a new life, you deserve better.
Don't worry about the house, ground rules or deadlines, your relationship is over, in fact it ended a long time ago.
You know what you need to do OP
-------------------- I'm stupid, Enlil is smart. I'm ugly, Enlil is beautiful. I'm a loser, Enlil is a winner. Someday, I hope to be like Enlil but secretly know I never will.
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Toe_Jam
Bluefoot Bandit



Registered: 04/15/10
Posts: 3,693
Loc: Around some corner...
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Malcolm_Xtasy] 5
#22041215 - 08/04/15 09:24 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Yeah, you can never get your peace of mind back after that. Time to move on.
-------------------- God lay his finger at the Mouth of the Serpent March 1984   A pleasing land of drowsy head it was, Of dreams that wave before the half-shut eye, And of gay castles in the clouds that pass, For ever flushing round a summer sky. -Castle of Indolence
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Toe_Jam]
#22041254 - 08/04/15 09:44 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I've actually just got off the phone with a mutual friend of ours (who has suffered much the same patterns of parental abuse and so exhibits the same patterns as my wife as an adult) who feels very strongly that the affair was a deliberate attempt at sabotaging our relationship so that my wife could 'set me free' to pursue a life where she wasn't such a burden to me. It resonates with me, as my wife has expressed often that she feels she is a burden.
Thank you so much for all your responses, I really appreciate them, and certainly my first instinct was to drop her.
However there are so many subtle nuances to consider. She's an amazing woman (hence why I'm with her) but she needs to take hold of her illness and fix things up. She's been too long in her depression and it's probably, as they say, 'warmer in the shit than out of it'.
My current thought is to state that I'm going to separate from her for 6 months, so she understands the consequences of her actions, in which time she can prove to me if she is worthy of me committing my life to her by getting the help she needs and 'taking the bull by the horns' in respect to fixing up her life. If, after 6 months, I don't feel that she has made the effort, then it's over. If she puts in the work, she would make an amazing partner, unlike so many women I have known over the years.
I think that feels like a balanced and objective path, as she is unwell and needs help, but she needs the impetus to seek it. I know it goes against the grain of what all have said here, but does it not sound reasonable?
I feel that after that, I could at least walk away with my head held high, knowing that I chose compassion and wisdom in considering a human in need rather than a responsive, knee-jerk reaction.
Please keep your thoughts coming, I really, really appreciate them.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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qman
Stranger

Registered: 12/06/06
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 3
#22041508 - 08/04/15 10:42 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said: I've actually just got off the phone with a mutual friend of ours (who has suffered much the same patterns of parental abuse and so exhibits the same patterns as my wife as an adult) who feels very strongly that the affair was a deliberate attempt at sabotaging our relationship so that my wife could 'set me free' to pursue a life where she wasn't such a burden to me. It resonates with me, as my wife has expressed often that she feels she is a burden.
Thank you so much for all your responses, I really appreciate them, and certainly my first instinct was to drop her.
However there are so many subtle nuances to consider. She's an amazing woman (hence why I'm with her) but she needs to take hold of her illness and fix things up. She's been too long in her depression and it's probably, as they say, 'warmer in the shit than out of it'.
My current thought is to state that I'm going to separate from her for 6 months, so she understands the consequences of her actions, in which time she can prove to me if she is worthy of me committing my life to her by getting the help she needs and 'taking the bull by the horns' in respect to fixing up her life. If, after 6 months, I don't feel that she has made the effort, then it's over. If she puts in the work, she would make an amazing partner, unlike so many women I have known over the years.
I think that feels like a balanced and objective path, as she is unwell and needs help, but she needs the impetus to seek it. I know it goes against the grain of what all have said here, but does it not sound reasonable?
I feel that after that, I could at least walk away with my head held high, knowing that I chose compassion and wisdom in considering a human in need rather than a responsive, knee-jerk reaction.
Please keep your thoughts coming, I really, really appreciate them.
Here's the deal, today women use "depression" as a very convenient excuse to behave like total bitches. Guess what? Many people have had very rough childhoods and they don't treat the humans around them like total shit.
If you wife wants to change into the perfect woman that you want just to make her life easier, she will in a matter of a few days, never mind 6 months. Women like her manipulate everyone around them with this "depression" condition, think about it, you can do whatever you want and fuck over everyone you want, and you have a perfect rationalization, "I'm sick". Her therapist might even tell her she's not responsible for her own behavior.
I wouldn't waste 6 months waiting for this woman to "get better", only to behave in the very same manner after you take her back. You sound like a very cool person, I have experienced and heard this same story from other men a million times before, the game your wife is playing isn't anything unique at all like it seems to be, it all ends up the same way.
This is no happy future will a person like this, be happy you don't have any children and cut your losses today, otherwise you will end up as a long term human doormat.
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Toe_Jam
Bluefoot Bandit



Registered: 04/15/10
Posts: 3,693
Loc: Around some corner...
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 2
#22041656 - 08/04/15 11:14 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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It sounds like you're bartering. You don't need to.
I understand you care deeply for her, but it sounds like she's bringing you down, even before this event. It's hard to turn your back on people you care about, but you can't give in. That validates her actions against you.
"It wasn't such a big deal that we broke up. I was grieving/sick."
And then she'll do it again.
That's my take anyway.
I'm kind of a hard ass when it comes to fidelity though.
I've given so many people 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th chances (not speaking about infidelity in particular here) and I was always taken advantage of. I had to cut those people out of my life. I miss them sometimes, but I never regret how I handled it. Forgiving so many people for so much ultimately led me to being quite jaded.
-------------------- God lay his finger at the Mouth of the Serpent March 1984   A pleasing land of drowsy head it was, Of dreams that wave before the half-shut eye, And of gay castles in the clouds that pass, For ever flushing round a summer sky. -Castle of Indolence
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin



Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 7,659
Last seen: 4 years, 14 days
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Toe_Jam] 1
#22041898 - 08/04/15 12:13 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Toe_Jam said: It sounds like you're bartering. You don't need to.
I understand you care deeply for her, but it sounds like she's bringing you down, even before this event. It's hard to turn your back on people you care about, but you can't give in. That validates her actions against you.
"It wasn't such a big deal that we broke up. I was grieving/sick."
And then she'll do it again.
That's my take anyway.
I'm kind of a hard ass when it comes to fidelity though.
I've given so many people 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th chances (not speaking about infidelity in particular here) and I was always taken advantage of. I had to cut those people out of my life. I miss them sometimes, but I never regret how I handled it. Forgiving so many people for so much ultimately led me to being quite jaded.
All these responses are good but this is spot on.
Especially validating her actions against you, by forgiving her you arent showing how much bigger of a person you are, only that a very reasonable hard line you set years ago is easily crossed with essentially zero consequences.
--------------------
A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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brokentv

Registered: 03/02/12
Posts: 2,417
Last seen: 6 years, 8 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Toe_Jam] 1
#22041994 - 08/04/15 12:33 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I agree with everyone that staying is very likely only going to lead to disaster and more pain on your part. Because no matter what the fact that she cheated will never go away and will constantly be nagging you, it would for me at least. I've witnessed first hand somebody waiting for the other person to get it together, only it was years and not months. In the end nothing changed and it only led to added resentment from the person that was waiting. Ultimately you will follow your heart though, and if that leads to staying with her I would enter a couples counseling right away. To me her commitment to that alone will give you an idea of how much she really wants to work on her self and your relationship.
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paperbackwriter
Edward Lear


Registered: 03/31/14
Posts: 1,888
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: brokentv]
#22042374 - 08/04/15 02:23 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Did she use a condom? If not did she have sex with you after the affair?
If she didn't expose you to an STD then I suggest marriage counseling for both of you and individual counseling for her. If she can't agree to that I'd say she's not willing to put the effort in to make things work.
If she did expose you to an STD I would end it for good.
-------------------- Why should we strive with cynic frown To knock their fairy castles down? ~ Eliza Cook It's rather embarrassing to have given one's entire life to pondering the human predicament and to find that in the end one has little more to say than, 'Try to be a little kinder.' ~Aldous Huxley
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mustangbob3
Mad Myrmecologist



Registered: 10/15/14
Posts: 1,685
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: paperbackwriter]
#22042412 - 08/04/15 02:33 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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i say split while you can.
if you really love her then tell her to change her ways and sort her self out and then you may consider going back.
in the time your apart if she ends up with another man you know where you stand and it was a good thing you split.
on the other hand if she stay faithful and sorts her problems out and proves to you....
then its up to you if you want it.
no one can really advise you because at the end of the day with love you will go ahead and do what you feel
thats the nature of the beast
and even if it is only setting yourself up for more shit i fear the love will prevail and you will go back submitt and mentally give her permission for you to be bitch boy and the cycle repeat again
either way good luck mate you will need it women are tricky business
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
Posts: 89,464
Loc: hades
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 3
#22042543 - 08/04/15 03:03 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I'd bail. Affairs aren't like succumbing to a drink, or a snort. She sounds like a loose cannon. Don't go down with the ship.
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Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 45,414
Loc: Under the C
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Amanita86]
#22042688 - 08/04/15 03:35 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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--------------------
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
Posts: 89,464
Loc: hades
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: OrgoneConclusion]
#22042718 - 08/04/15 03:41 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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--------------------
Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
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Love_spirit
Circle Of Power


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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22042776 - 08/04/15 03:54 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22042856 - 08/04/15 04:06 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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For me the cheating isn't that big a deal if you have that kind of relationship. They can work. Whatever the deal is. But she sounds like a fucking lunatic. Unless you are menatlly ill yourself why would you do anything but one time fuck a mentally ill person. Run the fuck away. There is nothing but future hell for you.
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Mr.GuessWork
Stranger

Registered: 03/30/13
Posts: 4,563
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: zappaisgod]
#22043667 - 08/04/15 06:17 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I don't know man... She sounds self-destructive, so the cheating probably wasn't an insult to you as much as it was meant to hurt herself, kinda like the attempt to jump off the parking garage. I'd just level with her about your feelings, and tell her what's up without caving and do it in very strait-forward and direct terms. Fuck all that bullshit about ground rules and learning lessons. This isn't about rules or commitment or being a whore, and it's not about you. She needs to find a way take the bull by the horns, as you say. That stuff about giving her six months to realize her mistakes is childish bullshit, and you should treat her like an adult if that's what you want her to be. It won't take six months for her to think about what she really wants. It shouldn't take more than a few days to resolve her feelings about that if your clear and direct. Anything longer than a few days is escapism, and you should make that clear to her too. Give her a clear choice and put the onus for making it on her. If she really wants to jump, then she should jump. If she really wants to live, then she should figure out how to do it well. Anything else is unnecessary suffering, and it's not worth your time or hers.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: paperbackwriter] 2
#22043684 - 08/04/15 06:20 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
paperbackwriter said: Did she use a condom? If not did she have sex with you after the affair?
If she didn't expose you to an STD then I suggest marriage counseling for both of you and individual counseling for her. If she can't agree to that I'd say she's not willing to put the effort in to make things work.
If she did expose you to an STD I would end it for good.
I just called her to ask her about that. No, and yes, respectively.
I dumped her on the spot.
Thanks for everyones help
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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paperbackwriter
Edward Lear


Registered: 03/31/14
Posts: 1,888
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22043695 - 08/04/15 06:21 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Man that's rough. Sorry man.
-------------------- Why should we strive with cynic frown To knock their fairy castles down? ~ Eliza Cook It's rather embarrassing to have given one's entire life to pondering the human predicament and to find that in the end one has little more to say than, 'Try to be a little kinder.' ~Aldous Huxley
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Anonymous #1
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22043703 - 08/04/15 06:23 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
paperbackwriter said: Did she use a condom? If not did she have sex with you after the affair?
If she didn't expose you to an STD then I suggest marriage counseling for both of you and individual counseling for her. If she can't agree to that I'd say she's not willing to put the effort in to make things work.
If she did expose you to an STD I would end it for good.
I just called her to ask her about that. No, and yes, respectively.
I dumped her on the spot.
Thanks for everyones help
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Mr.GuessWork
Stranger

Registered: 03/30/13
Posts: 4,563
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22043757 - 08/04/15 06:32 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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k dude. Dumping people in anger is a shitty way to end relationships, but do what you want. Just think about it a bit when you calm down. You're angry at somebody who probably hates herself, so try to have some compassion with how you end it at least. You'll feel bad about this later, and this board doesn't need anymore bitter misogynists. Sorry shit's hard though, man.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Mr.GuessWork]
#22043771 - 08/04/15 06:35 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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So he should have waited until he was all positive about it to do it? You can't really break up in a right way with someone like that. 
Think whatever you want, but bad relationships are best dealt with like old bandaids.
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Mr.GuessWork
Stranger

Registered: 03/30/13
Posts: 4,563
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Anonymous #1]
#22043800 - 08/04/15 06:39 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said: So he should have waited until he was all positive about it to do it? You can't really break up in a right way with someone like that. 
Think whatever you want, but bad relationships are best dealt with like old bandaids.
There's no reason to do it on an angry impulse like that. I think he should have waited until he thought about how to do it. I don't have any problem with the decision to do it in itself.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Mr.GuessWork]
#22043813 - 08/04/15 06:41 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Ah ok, fair enough.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: paperbackwriter] 2
#22043833 - 08/04/15 06:44 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I'd really love to respond in turn to all of the help given here, but I'm a little fucked up right now, so I hope you'll excuse me for not doing so. You've all been so helpful and I appreciate the advice so much.
I loved her more than I have loved anyone in my life, but I think, in the end, we all have to be prepared to give up the things we love most in this world, along with our lives at the end of the game.
I think I need to spend some time looking for a more healthy partner. My track record ain'y good though, of the three long term relationships I have ever had, the first commited suicide, the second is sectioned under the mental health act, and the third is my first wife who I have been referring to tonight.
I should probably start a new thread about how one finds a [reasonably] mentally healthy partner in this world, but I'm grieving pretty bad right now and will probably be doing so for some time.
Peace and love to all you lovely people out there.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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larry.fisherman
shoulda died already



Registered: 11/03/12
Posts: 36,294
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 2
#22043855 - 08/04/15 06:48 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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First and foremost if you feel like the pattern is beyond coincidence, consider what you desire in a person. Maybe you're drawn toward characteristics that aren't.. cohesive. Maybe you have had a rough go. Either way, try not to let these things put you off of having a happy relationship some day.
For now, just feel your feels. I hope you feel better man and best of luck to you.
Try not to turn to drugs. Or alcohol.. k?
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Mr.GuessWork]
#22043860 - 08/04/15 06:49 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Mr.GuessWork said:
Quote:
Anonymous said: So he should have waited until he was all positive about it to do it? You can't really break up in a right way with someone like that. 
Think whatever you want, but bad relationships are best dealt with like old bandaids.
There's no reason to do it on an angry impulse like that. I think he should have waited until he thought about how to do it. I don't have any problem with the decision to do it in itself.
You're right man, I called her back to apologise for doing it in that manner. I said I would meet her face to face to make whatever arrangements we need to make, although I very much don't want to. I had been planning to save everything (all the various opinions from friends, along with you guys, that I have been gathering to form my plan of action) until a face to face meet on Saturday but considering the STD thing just got me so damn riled up (not helped by having a couple of drinks) that I made a silly mistake.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
Edited by Jokeshopbeard (08/04/15 06:58 PM)
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: larry.fisherman]
#22043896 - 08/04/15 06:55 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
XLCaps said: First and foremost if you feel like the pattern is beyond coincidence, consider what you desire in a person. Maybe you're drawn toward characteristics that aren't.. cohesive. Maybe you have had a rough go. Either way, try not to let these things put you off of having a happy relationship some day.
For now, just feel your feels. I hope you feel better man and best of luck to you.
Try not to turn to drugs. Or alcohol.. k?
Thanks man. I'm pretty good on the drugs thing these days but I have succumbed to the particular numbing qualities of alcohol in the evenings when the house is empty. I'm actually in a pretty good place in my life overall, meditating a lot, reading a lot, and generally feeling very positive about existence. Not had much of a rough go myself, I'm a reasonably balanced individual, but I like people who are 'different'. God knows how that ends up being translated into 'severely mentally unstable' women but that's what seems to attract me.
Maybe I need to try internet dating instead?
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Mr.GuessWork
Stranger

Registered: 03/30/13
Posts: 4,563
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22043939 - 08/04/15 07:02 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Peace and love, man. Don't beat yourself up. I always hate being in the middle of these intense emotionally-charged situations. It makes it hard to think and put stuff in perspective. I'd suggest you let your head get to a more stable place before you do anything else, and it sounds like you're already on track with that.
You could probably continue this thread with your thoughts when you feel like it. I'm always tempted to fall for the vulnerable girls too. I wish I knew why. I must find desperation attractive or something. Maybe it makes me feel needed or valuable. It's definitely unhealthy to be a crutch though. A partner has to be able to hold their own most of the time. There's got to be some equality and reciprocity for it to work, I think. Otherwise I'd start to feel like a care taker, and that's not what I want.
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DubSpore
Busy being human



Registered: 07/04/12
Posts: 925
Loc: Ohio
Last seen: 3 months, 4 days
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22043951 - 08/04/15 07:05 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I just found out today my girlfriend cheated on me a week ago. Thing is, I live in Montana. Moved away from Ohio and her like 1 month ago for college and she already cheated on me. She is begging for my forgiveness and promising to never do it again but I dumped her n told her it is all over. She has a past of sexual and physical and mental abuse and she didnt even want to fuck the guy she did. She felt pressured into doing it and gave in. She also cuts and I fear she will do it but at the same time I know she already has and I just dont give a fuck anymore but I'm blindly in love with her. But want nothing to do with disgusting trash like her.
I resonate with this thread so much. Thanks for this guys.
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larry.fisherman
shoulda died already



Registered: 11/03/12
Posts: 36,294
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: DubSpore]
#22043969 - 08/04/15 07:08 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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DubSpore said: I just found out today my girlfriend cheated on me a week ago. Thing is, I live in Montana. Moved away from Ohio and her like 1 month ago for college and she already cheated on me. She is begging for my forgiveness and promising to never do it again but I dumped her n told her it is all over. She has a past of sexual and physical and mental abuse and she didnt even want to fuck the guy she did. She felt pressured into doing it and gave in. She also cuts and I fear she will do it but at the same time I know she already has and I just dont give a fuck anymore but I'm blindly in love with her. But want nothing to do with disgusting trash like her.
I resonate with this thread so much. Thanks for this guys.
My sister used to cut herself. She no longer does.
I wouldn't concern yourself with that behaviour too much, it's a chemical release thing. Either way you can't live your life entirely for other people. IMO you made the right choice.
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DubSpore
Busy being human



Registered: 07/04/12
Posts: 925
Loc: Ohio
Last seen: 3 months, 4 days
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: larry.fisherman]
#22043994 - 08/04/15 07:12 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Thanks man. I don't know about her though. She has done vertical and tried to hang herself before.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Mr.GuessWork]
#22044004 - 08/04/15 07:14 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Mr.GuessWork said: Peace and love, man. Don't beat yourself up. I always hate being in the middle of these intense emotionally-charged situations. It makes it hard to think and put stuff in perspective. I'd suggest you let your head get to a more stable place before you do anything else, and it sounds like you're already on track with that.
You could probably continue this thread with your thoughts when you feel like it. I'm always tempted to fall for the vulnerable girls too. I wish I knew why. I must find desperation attractive or something. Maybe it makes me feel needed or valuable. It's definitely unhealthy to be a crutch though. A partner has to be able to hold their own most of the time. There's got to be some equality and reciprocity for it to work, I think. Otherwise I'd start to feel like a care taker, and that's not what I want.
Thanks man, I really appreciate the well wishes right now. I've actually been seeing a therapist myself recently, and she has commented on the fact that:
"Maybe it makes me feel needed or valuable."
I think there's something to that. I seem to have some subconscious need to be a rescuer - and quite possibly because it is actually me that wants to be rescued, according to my therapist. Who knows when it comes to the subconscious. I definitely Feel I have been a care taker in recent months, and it's impacted the rest of my life a lot. My usual hobbies no longer get time because of it.
I'm starting to get a little perspective on how unhealthy this last year and a half of her issues has been...
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Mr.GuessWork
Stranger

Registered: 03/30/13
Posts: 4,563
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22044139 - 08/04/15 07:42 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
Mr.GuessWork said: Peace and love, man. Don't beat yourself up. I always hate being in the middle of these intense emotionally-charged situations. It makes it hard to think and put stuff in perspective. I'd suggest you let your head get to a more stable place before you do anything else, and it sounds like you're already on track with that.
You could probably continue this thread with your thoughts when you feel like it. I'm always tempted to fall for the vulnerable girls too. I wish I knew why. I must find desperation attractive or something. Maybe it makes me feel needed or valuable. It's definitely unhealthy to be a crutch though. A partner has to be able to hold their own most of the time. There's got to be some equality and reciprocity for it to work, I think. Otherwise I'd start to feel like a care taker, and that's not what I want.
Thanks man, I really appreciate the well wishes right now. I've actually been seeing a therapist myself recently, and she has commented on the fact that:
"Maybe it makes me feel needed or valuable."
I think there's something to that. I seem to have some subconscious need to be a rescuer - and quite possibly because it is actually me that wants to be rescued, according to my therapist. Who knows when it comes to the subconscious. I definitely Feel I have been a care taker in recent months, and it's impacted the rest of my life a lot. My usual hobbies no longer get time because of it.
I'm starting to get a little perspective on how unhealthy this last year and a half of her issues has been...
This is cool. You've got me thinking about it in myself right now, and maybe you're similar. I don't think it's entirely unhealthy to be attracted to people that need help. I generally like helping people, and it usually makes my world a less fucked up place when I do it (we all need help). I don't see any reason to change that behavior just because sex is involved. There's definitely a balance that needs to be maintained though. The danger comes when you're helping so often that it becomes like indulging an addiction. At that point you're chasing a high more than you're trying to actually make anything better. People need to help themselves when they can, and it's counterproductive to take that away from them. Sometimes you've got to leave them in a situation where they are forced to overcome their own suffering, and that gives them the power to make their own world better rather than have it be made better for them as if they're a victim of benevolence.
I was laying in corpse pose and resting after a yoga practice one time when something cool happened. A fly landed on my hand, and I wanted to take action and do the benevolent thing for it and still make it go away. I considered two options: crush the fly and kill it, or shake my hand and make the fly go somewhere else to live. Both options made me feel like a dick, and I realized that neither option was benevolent. The right thing to do was to let the fly have the power to make up it's own mind. All I had to do was take action to not impose upon the fly, so I stayed in corpse pose and eventually felt the fly buzz away. I think the same idea applies to people. The trick with helping people is to influence the situation in way that gives them the freedom and wisdom to help themselves. Sometimes that can be done by taking a load off their shoulders, sometimes it can be done by giving them the right advice, and sometimes all it takes is a well timed joke to free their mind from their overwhelming concerns for a bit.
Edited by Mr.GuessWork (08/04/15 07:45 PM)
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin



Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 7,659
Last seen: 4 years, 14 days
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22044144 - 08/04/15 07:43 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I'm glad you want to end this on proper adult terms but don't let her use this time to figure out how to win you back. I know at this moment you think that seems absolutely ridiculous but it happens all the time. You know how you feel, don't let all that emotional connection get in the way of what you know is right.
Keep your head above water man, your life only goes up from here
--------------------
A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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automan
blasted chipmunk


Registered: 09/18/03
Posts: 8,272
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22044510 - 08/04/15 08:55 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I just read the first post and none of the replies, so forgive me if I am missing something else... but you should get out. If you don't, you will spend your whole life in various shades of this same color... always giving everything and rarely receiving. My exwife is bipolar and I would never leave someone because they developed a mental issue. But when my exwife cheated, the nest day I took her to live at her sister's house and that was it. Now I'm a single dad with 2 kids and it's hard... but it's not harder than dealing with crazy 24/7. Get out now before you have to leave with kids in tow.
-------------------- No, no, you're not thinking, you're just being logical. ~ Niels Bohr
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Srirachi
Mold Hand



Registered: 10/18/05
Posts: 11,411
Loc: Fare Thee Well.
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22045181 - 08/04/15 11:30 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I think you have to decide if you can work through this or not. If you're not going to get over it then you have to leave, because you'll make her miserable and be pretty miserable yourself.
If I understand this, she told you and didn't get caught - that has to count for something man.
Best of luck
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TheEaglesGift
The Nagual


Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 10,554
Loc: Ixtlan, Mexico
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Srirachi]
#22045544 - 08/05/15 01:28 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I'm not to keen on staying with my wife if another man cums in her pussy, but that's just me.
Everyone is different.
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Srirachi
Mold Hand



Registered: 10/18/05
Posts: 11,411
Loc: Fare Thee Well.
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: TheEaglesGift] 1
#22045813 - 08/05/15 05:45 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I look at it this way- part of love is forgiveness. I know for a fact you can put it behind you and move forward... but not if you can't get over it. He can leave her and no one will blame him, but at the same time, he can forgive her and stay if that's what he wants. At some point he'll have to forgive her anyway, or it'll kill him.
Plus, how does anyone ever really know that their wife isn't a cum guzzling human protein shake of other men's semen? This chick has some mental issues, and yeah she's still responsible for her own actions because she's an adult, but it bothered her enough that she confessed.
In my opinion the fact that she told him and didn't have to means she's more trustworthy than the average woman. She isn't a cheater at heart, because when she did cheat, it ate at her. She's a keeper. He's just got to try and find a way to make it work, if he wants to.
OP you love her dearly... she loves you enough to confess. That's more than most marriages can say.
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Mr.GuessWork
Stranger

Registered: 03/30/13
Posts: 4,563
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Srirachi]
#22045965 - 08/05/15 07:16 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Srirachi said: I look at it this way- part of love is forgiveness. I know for a fact you can put it behind you and move forward... but not if you can't get over it. He can leave her and no one will blame him, but at the same time, he can forgive her and stay if that's what he wants. At some point he'll have to forgive her anyway, or it'll kill him.
Plus, how does anyone ever really know that their wife isn't a cum guzzling human protein shake of other men's semen? This chick has some mental issues, and yeah she's still responsible for her own actions because she's an adult, but it bothered her enough that she confessed.
In my opinion the fact that she told him and didn't have to means she's more trustworthy than the average woman. She isn't a cheater at heart, because when she did cheat, it ate at her. She's a keeper. He's just got to try and find a way to make it work, if he wants to.
OP you love her dearly... she loves you enough to confess. That's more than most marriages can say.
Well put. The wife clearly trusts the OP, and she was willing to risk losing him to keep as much of his respect as she could. That'd be enough for me to still trust her intentions. Anything past that may need to be built back up from the intentions. Personally I wouldn't end it unless both people really thought about it, and it felt right on a deep down level.
This is actually a great opportunity to supportively confront some of the mental problems. It's times like these when understanding and forgiveness can have their greatest impact. The cheating creates a clear need for that stuff, and it sounds like she couldn't find a better way to get at those feelings (you said yourself OP that this wasn't an act of pleasure for her). Some of the best character and bonding develops out of overcoming hardship without caving into it. When you've been through hell and back with somebody, you know you can trust them not to leave your ass in the fire, and you can trust yourself not to leave their ass in the fire too. I think you should have a heart to heart with the wife before going through with this OP, and you might as well bare your soul to make sure the right thing happens.
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The Doobie Dude


Registered: 04/28/13
Posts: 13,498
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Arctic W. Fox]
#22046482 - 08/05/15 10:10 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Arctic W. Fox said: Before you get yourself any deeper into this, drop her like a flaming bag of dog shit.
There is no accidental affair.
Once a cheater - always a cheater. This isn't her first rodeo, just the first time she got caught.
You're dating a psycho... what the fuck is wrong with you, man? You're not her babysitter, mother, or psychologist. Do you like holding onto the anchor while it drops to the bottom of the ocean of mental instability?
Really? I mean, really!
This is 110% sound advice
--------------------
"There are a million reasons to drink and one just popped into my head. If a man can't drink when he's living how the Hell can he drink when he's dead?" - Irish Limerick I PLURed once because it was PLUR or die. - D.M.T.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Mr.GuessWork]
#22046664 - 08/05/15 11:03 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Mr.GuessWork said:
Quote:
Srirachi said: I look at it this way- part of love is forgiveness. I know for a fact you can put it behind you and move forward... but not if you can't get over it. He can leave her and no one will blame him, but at the same time, he can forgive her and stay if that's what he wants. At some point he'll have to forgive her anyway, or it'll kill him.
Plus, how does anyone ever really know that their wife isn't a cum guzzling human protein shake of other men's semen? This chick has some mental issues, and yeah she's still responsible for her own actions because she's an adult, but it bothered her enough that she confessed.
In my opinion the fact that she told him and didn't have to means she's more trustworthy than the average woman. She isn't a cheater at heart, because when she did cheat, it ate at her. She's a keeper. He's just got to try and find a way to make it work, if he wants to.
OP you love her dearly... she loves you enough to confess. That's more than most marriages can say.
Well put. The wife clearly trusts the OP, and she was willing to risk losing him to keep as much of his respect as she could. That'd be enough for me to still trust her intentions. Anything past that may need to be built back up from the intentions. Personally I wouldn't end it unless both people really thought about it, and it felt right on a deep down level.
This is actually a great opportunity to supportively confront some of the mental problems. It's times like these when understanding and forgiveness can have their greatest impact. The cheating creates a clear need for that stuff, and it sounds like she couldn't find a better way to get at those feelings (you said yourself OP that this wasn't an act of pleasure for her). Some of the best character and bonding develops out of overcoming hardship without caving into it. When you've been through hell and back with somebody, you know you can trust them not to leave your ass in the fire, and you can trust yourself not to leave their ass in the fire too. I think you should have a heart to heart with the wife before going through with this OP, and you might as well bare your soul to make sure the right thing happens.
Thank you both for these replies, they are very much in line with how I was thinking before I got drunk last night and had a stupid knee jerk reaction. You're both right IMO, in terms of how she handled this, how I should properly handle my next interaction with her, and how there is a *slight* possibility of a future here, provided she proves that she is worth it.
It's such a confusing situation, given the fact that I would drop anyone in a sane mind who did this. However I am also very concerned about what many others here have said; that a woman who displays these kind of mental health issues is very likely to cause me so much more strife in the long run. She has been in and out of therapy since 17, and is 33 now, and from what I can see she's only got worse in that time. However I think this is due to the fact she's never really 'took the bull by the horns' and has expected someone else to fix her, like many people in her situation.
I do believe that people with such deep rooted issues can be cured, but how long could it take? How much more must I suffer (should I ever take her back) before/if she ever comes through it?
Based on a lot of the responses here (and I know the shroomery tends to have a close connection to many individuals with mental health issues) it doesn't feel promising.
I do agree that this is probably "a great opportunity to supportively confront some of the mental problems" - this could well be the catalyst that causes her to fix up (I already happen to know she's booked herself into rehab on Monday), but she's an amazing actress and could fool nearly anyone that she's better when she's actually not.
I feel so torn. My selfish side just wants out and to start a new life, but my compassionate side sees a human being who is deeply in need of help and support. Whatever happens, this will be the biggest decision of my life thus far, so I know I can't make it lightly.
Once again, I simply cannot express how grateful I am to all you guys for helping me through this. It's truly beautiful to see how complete strangers care enough to help a man in a position as I'm in.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Srirachi
Mold Hand



Registered: 10/18/05
Posts: 11,411
Loc: Fare Thee Well.
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22046718 - 08/05/15 11:15 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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been there man.
One thing though - you're still looking at it from a standpoint of what you're giving up or how you will be affected by this. If she was drowning, would you weigh the pros and cons, or just say fuck it and jump in?
She needs you to jump in. Even though it's not remotely close to fair to you, you can go home and throw your arms around her and tell her you love her, say baby I'm sorry this all happened too, but I love you and as long as you love me and want to work on this, there's nothing in this world that will make me give up on you, not even this... you want to see a woman look at you like you're the most incredible man in the world, try that.
I think a lot of women cheat because they don't feel like they are loved like that. If she realizes she is, she will realize that there's no man in the world better for her than you and she'll just laugh at him when another guy hits on her.
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paperbackwriter
Edward Lear


Registered: 03/31/14
Posts: 1,888
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22046849 - 08/05/15 11:44 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Personally speaking once I got serious about getting help it still took me a couple of years to 'get around' to getting help.
I absolutely do not believe that people with mental health issues can fix themselves but I do believe they have to be open to treatment. It's like any other health issue, if I break my leg I have to go to the doctor to get it fixed, I can't do it myself and if I sit on my ass all day instead of seeing a professional it's going to heal all fucked up.
Antidepressants have also been great for me. They've helped immensely with how I treat my family and allowed me to take a step back and be more mindful of my actions.
But I fucking love serotonin based drugs and always have. LSD, MDMA, Shrooms So an SSRI made a lot of sense once I got passed my stigma and pride.
I feel kinda bad for suggesting you dump her outright over the STD thing. It's something my wife and I have talked about as far as relationships outside our marriage go. Hypothetical 'would you forgive me if' conversations. So my response was something canned from my own marriage
-------------------- Why should we strive with cynic frown To knock their fairy castles down? ~ Eliza Cook It's rather embarrassing to have given one's entire life to pondering the human predicament and to find that in the end one has little more to say than, 'Try to be a little kinder.' ~Aldous Huxley
Edited by paperbackwriter (08/05/15 11:45 AM)
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Srirachi]
#22046851 - 08/05/15 11:46 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Srirachi said:
been there man.
One thing though - you're still looking at it from a standpoint of what you're giving up or how you will be affected by this. If she was drowning, would you weigh the pros and cons, or just say fuck it and jump in?
She needs you to jump in. Even though it's not remotely close to fair to you, you can go home and throw your arms around her and tell her you love her, say baby I'm sorry this all happened too, but I love you and as long as you love me and want to work on this, there's nothing in this world that will make me give up on you, not even this... you want to see a woman look at you like you're the most incredible man in the world, try that.
I think a lot of women cheat because they don't feel like they are loved like that. If she realizes she is, she will realize that there's no man in the world better for her than you and she'll just laugh at him when another guy hits on her.
Thanks Srirachi. Based on some of the advice I have received from friends (who know her as well as me) it has definitely been suggested that I follow the course of action that you suggest by 'jumping in'.
However I also know that she does already feel loved like that, that she does in fact know herself that "there's no man in the world better for her than I". I think the fact that she admires me so much is actually the root cause of her actions in this instance. For some time before this happened she had been suggesting that I would be so much better off with someone other than her. Her MO is to see herself as worthless and a burden and often does not know what I see in her. I see an amazing person with a shitload of issues, and as time has gone by, I have been questioning if I can handle the sheer volume of her issues, because I just don't know if/when that amazing person will ever really come to the fore.
I had actually set myself a resolution at the beginning of July to give the relationship another 2 years, and if things hadn't changed by that point, I would end it.
One of my best friends had pointed out that this may well be a 'blessing in disguise', in the sense that it puts the power in my hands to point out that she now has to prove to me she's worth it, and that that may well be the scare that causes her to change everything.
He talks with some experience too - he had a depression like hers in his late 20's (he's 52 now) and it wasn't until his wife reached the point where she was about to leave him that he started to shape up. He's still happily married now and is in fact one of the most amazing people I have ever met.
I think my wife has the potential to be a really amazing human being too. But not unless she makes the decision to fix her life, no matter what it takes.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Srirachi
Mold Hand



Registered: 10/18/05
Posts: 11,411
Loc: Fare Thee Well.
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22046869 - 08/05/15 11:50 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Well said man - I think you're in touch with this really well, which is pretty amazing. I believe you really do love her. Good luck man. I'd trade everything to love someone like that.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: paperbackwriter]
#22046959 - 08/05/15 11:57 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
paperbackwriter said: Personally speaking once I got serious about getting help it still took me a couple of years to 'get around' to getting help.
I absolutely do not believe that people with mental health issues can fix themselves but I do believe they have to be open to treatment. It's like any other health issue, if I break my leg I have to go to the doctor to get it fixed, I can't do it myself and if I sit on my ass all day instead of seeing a professional it's going to heal all fucked up.
Antidepressants have also been great for me. They've helped immensely with how I treat my family and allowed me to take a step back and be more mindful of my actions.
But I fucking love serotonin based drugs and always have. LSD, MDMA, Shrooms So an SSRI made a lot of sense once I got passed my stigma and pride.
I feel kinda bad for suggesting you dump her outright over the STD thing. It's something my wife and I have talked about as far as relationships outside our marriage go. Hypothetical 'would you forgive me if' conversations. So my response was something canned from my own marriage 
Thanks for saying man. It was my own fault for getting drunk and getting in touch with her at that point though - I should have known better than my intoxicated state would cause me to react in a bad way.
I hear what you're saying about not "believing that people with mental health issues can fix themselves". I agree completely, but I think she has thus far done the opposite - she's been for all the help, and has spent probably £50,000 on treatment, either privately funded or through my health insurance.
However on the flip side, I believe people with mental health issues can receive all the treatment in the world but if their heart isn't in it none of this will fix them! She's also tried many SSRI's, SNRI's, NDRI's, etc. Again, I suspect these things might take the edge off, but probably nothing will work until she decides to go all out!
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Srirachi]
#22047005 - 08/05/15 12:04 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Srirachi said: Well said man - I think you're in touch with this really well, which is pretty amazing. I believe you really do love her. Good luck man. I'd trade everything to love someone like that.
Thank you man. The other side of my dilemma is wondering if I will ever love someone like this again. I have known this girl since I was 15, and we were good friends all those years before we got together. I couldn't give examples without writing an essay but there has been so much synchronicity throughout our relationship I really don't know if that will ever happen again - a sentiment that has been echoed by another friend of mine after she left a relationship like that 13 years ago - and still to this day, many relationships later, hasn't found anything that comes close.
Good luck to you too brother. In my experience the good ones come when you least expect it.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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FungusOfTheBungus


Registered: 02/05/15
Posts: 121
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22061163 - 08/07/15 11:55 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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http://gettinbetter.com/BPDlove.html
If any of this sounds familiar to you guys then you need to run, not walk, run away now. You're fighting an uphill battle you will not win.
Once you look under the covers you'll wish you could take it back.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: FungusOfTheBungus]
#22061529 - 08/08/15 04:40 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
FungusOfTheBungus said: http://gettinbetter.com/BPDlove.html
If any of this sounds familiar to you guys then you need to run, not walk, run away now. You're fighting an uphill battle you will not win.
Once you look under the covers you'll wish you could take it back.
Oh fuck.
As painful as that is. Thank you man, deeply.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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MoxyOx
Grazin'

Registered: 10/08/10
Posts: 1,439
Loc:
Last seen: 1 month, 20 days
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22070861 - 08/10/15 08:41 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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She won't learn unless she suffers.
She cannot suffer unless you leave.
Give it a few years before you even come close again dude, you need the distance.
-------------------- No one behind, no one ahead. The path the ancients cleared has closed. And the other path, everyone's path, easy and wide, goes nowhere. I am alone and find my way.
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FungusOfTheBungus


Registered: 02/05/15
Posts: 121
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22072761 - 08/10/15 05:39 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
FungusOfTheBungus said: http://gettinbetter.com/BPDlove.html
If any of this sounds familiar to you guys then you need to run, not walk, run away now. You're fighting an uphill battle you will not win.
Once you look under the covers you'll wish you could take it back.
Oh fuck.
As painful as that is. Thank you man, deeply.
I wish you the best. You sound like a decent guy and you deserve to be with someone that makes you happy and treats you well.
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Crystal G



Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 6 days
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: FungusOfTheBungus]
#22073239 - 08/10/15 07:28 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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If she came out with it and admitted to it on her own, sounds like she really truly does regret it. I might give a 2nd chance depending on the circumstances. People who are true cheaters will typically try to deny it, or lie about it, for as long as they can to get away with it...
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Crystal G] 1
#22073270 - 08/10/15 07:35 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Read the OP. She's nuts. It isn't just the cheating
--------------------
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: zappaisgod] 1
#22073464 - 08/10/15 08:08 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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She's very ill and she needs psychiatric help - that's what underlies all of her actions IMO. Several recent life events have caused her to recede further into her illness - it's like she's become a shell of the wonderful woman I married all those years ago.
She was diagnosed with BPD less than a year ago. Off the back of this event (due to her overwhelming guilt) she's gone into a 28 day addiction treatment program to stop the drinking, starting this morning. That's a start. It is possible that this event was a blessing in disguise - if it causes her to take hold of her illness and work to conquer it no matter what, then there's some hope.
I thank everyone who has participated in this thread from the bottom of my heart. I've decided to give her one more chance, and I'm going to spend the next 28 days doing as much reading on how to deal with BPD as I can. I have set some very strict boundaries from here on out and have told her unequivocally that I will leave her if she crosses these boundaries.
When it came down to it, and I asked my heart what is right, I realised I would not be living from a place of utmost compassion to leave someone I love when they are so much in need of help.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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RobZombie68
The Shaman's Apprentice


Registered: 06/22/14
Posts: 820
Loc: Palookaville, US
Last seen: 30 days, 9 hours
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22073473 - 08/10/15 08:09 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Accidental affair? Sorry bud, I'd drop any bitch on a dime that would even lie to me, regardless of the life we have together.
If she did it once,,, she will do it again!
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: RobZombie68] 1
#22073489 - 08/10/15 08:11 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
RobZombie68 said: Accidental affair? Sorry bud, I'd drop any bitch on a dime that would even lie to me, regardless of the life we have together.
If she did it once,,, she will do it again!
Have you never lied to a partner? I know I've lied to my wife. 3 times to be exact. I came clean every time but shit, ain't a single one of us perfect.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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RobZombie68
The Shaman's Apprentice


Registered: 06/22/14
Posts: 820
Loc: Palookaville, US
Last seen: 30 days, 9 hours
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22073515 - 08/10/15 08:16 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I take a lot of pride in myself, that I don't lie, cheat or steal,,, never! My conscience won't let me, I fucking hate liars & thieves...
To answer your question, 17 years together and I have never lied to her....
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 1
#22073519 - 08/10/15 08:16 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said: She's very ill and she needs psychiatric help - that's what underlies all of her actions IMO. Several recent life events have caused her to recede further into her illness - it's like she's become a shell of the wonderful woman I married all those years ago.
She was diagnosed with BPD less than a year ago. Off the back of this event (due to her overwhelming guilt) she's gone into a 28 day addiction treatment program to stop the drinking, starting this morning. That's a start. It is possible that this event was a blessing in disguise - if it causes her to take hold of her illness and work to conquer it no matter what, then there's some hope.
I thank everyone who has participated in this thread from the bottom of my heart. I've decided to give her one more chance, and I'm going to spend the next 28 days doing as much reading on how to deal with BPD as I can. I have set some very strict boundaries from here on out and have told her unequivocally that I will leave her if she crosses these boundaries.
When it came down to it, and I asked my heart what is right, I realised I would not be living from a place of utmost compassion to leave someone I love when they are so much in need of help.
You are a good, tolerant, understanding man. I applaud what you are doing.
--------------------
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: RobZombie68]
#22073547 - 08/10/15 08:21 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Good for you man, that's quite a track record. Certainly unheard of in my circle of close friends. Drugs normally seem to be the root cause of any lying that occurs, but the the hard stuff tends to have that effect on most people IME.
I hate lying and stealing too, and in fact all I ask of anyone who comes into my house (including myself) is honesty. I have a huge sign over the door stating so. Still, we're only human and slip ups are inevitable. As long as we learn from them, then it's always worth it in the end. You gotta fuck up to become a better human right?
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: zappaisgod]
#22073576 - 08/10/15 08:26 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
zappaisgod said: You are a good, tolerant, understanding man. I applaud what you are doing.
Thanks for saying man; it's certainly been a hell of a challenge and I have questioned myself endlessly over the past week. I want to believe that some good can come of any situation, and I hope that my actions will inspire that in any situation I come across.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 1
#22073641 - 08/10/15 08:39 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Give her a chance but don't give her your life if it doesn't work. You are a person, too.
--------------------
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: zappaisgod] 1
#22073688 - 08/10/15 08:48 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Yeah, that's the main underlying boundary. I'm gonna have to work hard to keep track of it though. Through working with a therapist it has come to my attention that I risk replaying my parental script with her; when I was a total shit as a teenager/young man, my mother never chastised me for the terrible things I did - she just continued to provide unconditional love, I think, because she just didn't know what else to do.
That's a cycle that I will have to break. As has been said earlier in the thread, I cannot be her carer or therapist, and I have told my wife that I will no have no involvement in the treatment of her illness - she's on her own with that.
I hope that she can see what she's got to lose here. If she can conquer her illness she has the potential to be a truly wonderful human being. But like you say, at the heart of all this I have to protect myself, and I believe I'm now prepared to do so.
Thanks again man.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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MajickMuffin
Edible Cult


Registered: 05/28/14
Posts: 4,345
Loc: North
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22073691 - 08/10/15 08:48 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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'Accidental' Affair.....is this a fucking joke?
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MajickMuffin
Edible Cult


Registered: 05/28/14
Posts: 4,345
Loc: North
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: MajickMuffin]
#22073702 - 08/10/15 08:50 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Like these dudes said, drop that bitch
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: MajickMuffin]
#22073712 - 08/10/15 08:51 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
MajickMuffin said: 'Accidental' Affair.....is this a fucking joke?
Have a read man, there's plenty of literature out there, which is from where I defined the terminology:
http://www.marriageadvocates.com/2012/01/05/anatomy-of-an-affair-accidental-affairs/
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Srirachi
Mold Hand



Registered: 10/18/05
Posts: 11,411
Loc: Fare Thee Well.
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 1
#22074095 - 08/10/15 10:22 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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A lot of these people have never really been in love. They act like it's a commodity exchange.
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FungusOfTheBungus


Registered: 02/05/15
Posts: 121
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22074146 - 08/10/15 10:32 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Good luck with your decision to work with your wife and BPD. It's a tough road. You will never have a "normal" relationship in some ways. Your wife doesn't understand how those work. She is always in a constant state of anxiety and fear. It's like permanent PTSD. You will have to learn not to let her dump her emotional "slime" on to you and make it your fault that she feels that way. And learn how to not take the explosive anger episodes personally. (Easier said than done)
There won't be any quick cure. It takes many years of therapy for the symptoms to become less severe. There is no pill to fix a personality disorder. The only thing you can do in the meantime is work on yourself and how you interact with her. It also gets easier with time when you understand why borderlines behave the way do.
And do set limits on "alone time" with other men. Certain types of men can practically smell women with low personal boundaries and they will take advantage whenever they can. Primarily men with traits of NPD and ASPD.
I speak from first-hand experience. My wife has BPD as well.
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Anonymous #2
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: FungusOfTheBungus]
#22074203 - 08/10/15 10:42 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I'm a narcissist and I absolutely can find the most broken woman in the room. Dad, or the husband, or life in general breaks them, and for a couple of hours, I fill in the cracks and make them feel whole.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: FungusOfTheBungus] 1
#22074250 - 08/10/15 10:51 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Srirachi said: A lot of these people have never really been in love. They act like it's a commodity exchange.
I have wondered about this based on some of the responses! Thanks for your input throughout Srirachi, it's been really positive and has helped a lot.
Quote:
FungusOfTheBungus said: Good luck with your decision to work with your wife and BPD. It's a tough road. You will never have a "normal" relationship in some ways. Your wife doesn't understand how those work. She is always in a constant state of anxiety and fear. It's like permanent PTSD. You will have to learn not to let her dump her emotional "slime" on to you and make it your fault that she feels that way. And learn how to not take the explosive anger episodes personally. (Easier said than done)
There won't be any quick cure. It takes many years of therapy for the symptoms to become less severe. There is no pill to fix a personality disorder. The only thing you can do in the meantime is work on yourself and how you interact with her. It also gets easier with time when you understand why borderlines behave the way do.
And do set limits on "alone time" with other men. Certain types of men can practically smell women with low personal boundaries and they will take advantage whenever they can. Primarily men with traits of NPD and ASPD.
I speak from first-hand experience. My wife has BPD as well.
Thanks Fungus, that's precisely the kind of advice I need right now. I'm only in the initial stages of researching the condition, but the PTSD type symptoms have been apparent for some time (high stress situations often cause psychosis in her, although this is generally pretty harmless, to myself at least) and I totally get the anxiety and fear she feels.
I also understand from my limited research that, as you say, I must work on myself and how I interact with her. My understanding thus far is that firm boundaries are required as someone with BPD often does not have their own, or weak ones at best. I see this in my wife.
And yep, alone time is gonna be a sticker, and she's already agreed to cut this 'friend' out of her life.
Would you mind sharing with me any resources and/or coping strategies that you have found to be of the most help with your wife? How long have you guys been together if you don't mind me asking? Have your wife's symptoms remained fairly stable or do they wax and wane?
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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FungusOfTheBungus


Registered: 02/05/15
Posts: 121
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 1
#22074434 - 08/10/15 11:44 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
Srirachi said: A lot of these people have never really been in love. They act like it's a commodity exchange.
I have wondered about this based on some of the responses! Thanks for your input throughout Srirachi, it's been really positive and has helped a lot.
Quote:
FungusOfTheBungus said: Good luck with your decision to work with your wife and BPD. It's a tough road. You will never have a "normal" relationship in some ways. Your wife doesn't understand how those work. She is always in a constant state of anxiety and fear. It's like permanent PTSD. You will have to learn not to let her dump her emotional "slime" on to you and make it your fault that she feels that way. And learn how to not take the explosive anger episodes personally. (Easier said than done)
There won't be any quick cure. It takes many years of therapy for the symptoms to become less severe. There is no pill to fix a personality disorder. The only thing you can do in the meantime is work on yourself and how you interact with her. It also gets easier with time when you understand why borderlines behave the way do.
And do set limits on "alone time" with other men. Certain types of men can practically smell women with low personal boundaries and they will take advantage whenever they can. Primarily men with traits of NPD and ASPD.
I speak from first-hand experience. My wife has BPD as well.
Thanks Fungus, that's precisely the kind of advice I need right now. I'm only in the initial stages of researching the condition, but the PTSD type symptoms have been apparent for some time (high stress situations often cause psychosis in her, although this is generally pretty harmless, to myself at least) and I totally get the anxiety and fear she feels.
I also understand from my limited research that, as you say, I must work on myself and how I interact with her. My understanding thus far is that firm boundaries are required as someone with BPD often does not have their own, or weak ones at best. I see this in my wife.
And yep, alone time is gonna be a sticker, and she's already agreed to cut this 'friend' out of her life.
Would you mind sharing with me any resources and/or coping strategies that you have found to be of the most help with your wife? How long have you guys been together if you don't mind me asking? Have your wife's symptoms remained fairly stable or do they wax and wane?
We've been together for more than 6 years. Married for almost 3 years. Her symptoms tend to get worse when she starts her period, encounters a challenging situation or her plans do not come together as originally intended. And they became much worse and more prominent after our son was born 4 years ago. Having a child is a major source of never-ending stress for my wife. We both decided to not have another child.
Read that site I linked to you. http://gettinbetter.com/articles.html Read all of the BPD articles. Then read them again. Read them until you firmly grasp what is going on in your relationship. You have to come to terms with it and decide if you want to stay with her or not. Do not share this site with your wife. It was not made for her. It was made for you.
It sounds like your therapist is working with you on exactly the things you need to work on. Stick with this person if you like him/her.
You have white-knight syndrome. I'm not trying to be too judgmental but I can pick it up from reading your posts. Learn to suppress this tendency. It's not your job to rescue other people.
You will get mad at your wife. Much more often than husbands do in "normal" relationships. Do not stifle this but also do not take it out on your wife. Assert you boundaries and try to remain calm. Try not to point out her BPD symptoms. I do that with my wife sometimes and it doesn't help. What I do is once we are apart from each other after an argument I basically cuss her out under my breath. I don't hold back either. I let it all out. It does no good to hold it in. You are entitled to your feelings. Once everything is calmed down I will approach her and make a peace offering of some kind. Kind of the same way I would with a young child.
These are just some of the things that have helped me deal with this craziness. Every relationship is different. You will have to figure out what works best for you.
[Edited for grammar.]
Edited by FungusOfTheBungus (08/10/15 11:50 PM)
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Oeric McKenna
LIFE CAPS


Registered: 06/15/12
Posts: 5,318
Loc: Babylon
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 1
#22074440 - 08/10/15 11:47 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Despite what everyone said, always choose forgiveness either way. If you choose to stay with her, forgive. If you choose not to, forgive.
I'd stay.
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paperbackwriter
Edward Lear


Registered: 03/31/14
Posts: 1,888
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22075269 - 08/11/15 08:15 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I still suggest marriage counseling if you plan to stay together. It sounds like you, understandably, have a lot of hurt yourself to sort out and it would be a nice way for the two of you to come together on the things you're both struggling with.
-------------------- Why should we strive with cynic frown To knock their fairy castles down? ~ Eliza Cook It's rather embarrassing to have given one's entire life to pondering the human predicament and to find that in the end one has little more to say than, 'Try to be a little kinder.' ~Aldous Huxley
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Patlal
You ask too many questions



Registered: 10/09/10
Posts: 44,797
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: MajickMuffin]
#22076216 - 08/11/15 12:47 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
MajickMuffin said: 'Accidental' Affair.....is this a fucking joke?
Well, accident's do happen. Maybe she tripped and fell on a guy's dick? Who knows? Weirder things have happened.
To the OP: I would leave her. Then again, if she commits suicide because of it, you're gonna have to convince yourself that it was because she did it and not because of you.
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hex_enduction
satta massa gana



Registered: 01/26/14
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Patlal]
#22077695 - 08/11/15 06:15 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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This post really resonated with me because it reminded me so much of my parents relationship. My mom definitely had BPD and I feel like that fucked with their relationship severely and in a similar manner to OP and his wife's. My dad eventually left her, but she seemed to be starting to recover a decent amount in the past year or so before her death (not suicide or anything like that). So I can't say for sure that she could have changed and been able to have a normal relationship with anyone, but she was definitely an amazing person who was just severely hindered by her mental health issues.
Anyway, life story aside, I would have probably left your wife in that situation, providing her with an opportunity to recover and rediscover life on her own. I just couldn't stand being cheated on, god damn. I guess I commend what you're doing though, it definitely takes a lot of fortitude to deal with that kind of person.
Hope none of this comes off as offensive to any mental illness sufferers. They all have my sincerest empathy.
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Connoisseur said: oh ive cried on drugs sunshine said: Tragic. I told the cop not to do it but he didn't listen.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: hex_enduction]
#22079316 - 08/11/15 11:31 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
FungusOfTheBungus said: We've been together for more than 6 years. Married for almost 3 years. Her symptoms tend to get worse when she starts her period, encounters a challenging situation or her plans do not come together as originally intended. And they became much worse and more prominent after our son was born 4 years ago. Having a child is a major source of never-ending stress for my wife. We both decided to not have another child.
Read that site I linked to you. http://gettinbetter.com/articles.html Read all of the BPD articles. Then read them again. Read them until you firmly grasp what is going on in your relationship. You have to come to terms with it and decide if you want to stay with her or not. Do not share this site with your wife. It was not made for her. It was made for you.
It sounds like your therapist is working with you on exactly the things you need to work on. Stick with this person if you like him/her.
You have white-knight syndrome. I'm not trying to be too judgmental but I can pick it up from reading your posts. Learn to suppress this tendency. It's not your job to rescue other people.
You will get mad at your wife. Much more often than husbands do in "normal" relationships. Do not stifle this but also do not take it out on your wife. Assert you boundaries and try to remain calm. Try not to point out her BPD symptoms. I do that with my wife sometimes and it doesn't help. What I do is once we are apart from each other after an argument I basically cuss her out under my breath. I don't hold back either. I let it all out. It does no good to hold it in. You are entitled to your feelings. Once everything is calmed down I will approach her and make a peace offering of some kind. Kind of the same way I would with a young child.
These are just some of the things that have helped me deal with this craziness. Every relationship is different. You will have to figure out what works best for you.
Thank you so much for this man, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I really started to delve into the articles contained within the link yesterday, however I had a meeting with my therapist soon after, who advised that I take a break from them for a while to do a little healing - she could see that I was heading into 'information overload' territory. It's definitely a bit overwhelming at the moment to consider just how much I may have to sacrifice and change in order to continue my relationship with my wife. I sure as fuck hope she stands by her commitment to do her own healing. Either way, once I get over the initial shock of all this, I've little doubt it will help me to become a better person. I hope you take some credit for the fact that you've been instrumental in that.
Your personal experiences and advice are priceless to me man, and I shall make a determined effort to incorporate these into my life.
EDIT - The white night thing? Yeah, that's definitely been a big thing that's come in therapy (which is amazing by the way - only 4 sessions in) - I'm glad you pointed it out. My track record in relationships aint good - of the three long term ones, one committed suicide, one is committed, and my wife is the third. I have some very hard questions to answer about where I go from here, and I don't expect the answers to be easy to deal with!
Quote:
paperbackwriter said: I still suggest marriage counseling if you plan to stay together. It sounds like you, understandably, have a lot of hurt yourself to sort out and it would be a nice way for the two of you to come together on the things you're both struggling with.
Yep, already got that one lined up - in fact, we had this lined up way before her transgressions!
Quote:
hex_enduction said: This post really resonated with me because it reminded me so much of my parents relationship. My mom definitely had BPD and I feel like that fucked with their relationship severely and in a similar manner to OP and his wife's. My dad eventually left her, but she seemed to be starting to recover a decent amount in the past year or so before her death (not suicide or anything like that). So I can't say for sure that she could have changed and been able to have a normal relationship with anyone, but she was definitely an amazing person who was just severely hindered by her mental health issues.
Anyway, life story aside, I would have probably left your wife in that situation, providing her with an opportunity to recover and rediscover life on her own. I just couldn't stand being cheated on, god damn. I guess I commend what you're doing though, it definitely takes a lot of fortitude to deal with that kind of person.
Hope none of this comes off as offensive to any mental illness sufferers. They all have my sincerest empathy.
Thanks for your input man. I reckon I've got a hard road ahead of me. But which one of us hasn't right? And I'm pretty sure challenge and adversity, taken well and with an open mind, can only improve oneself.
Edited by Jokeshopbeard (08/12/15 12:10 AM)
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 1
#22090243 - 08/14/15 07:40 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Why do you consistently have relationships with lunatics? Because you choose them. You should examine your motivation in re getting into long term relationships with nutcases. There are actually nice, fun and sane women in the world. Some of them are even kinky if that's your thing. But they are functional and happy with themselves. As far as I can tell from your report you are 0 for 3. What is it in you that causes you to exclusively get together with extremely damaged women?
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: zappaisgod]
#22090782 - 08/14/15 11:24 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
zappaisgod said: Why do you consistently have relationships with lunatics? Because you choose them. You should examine your motivation in re getting into long term relationships with nutcases. There are actually nice, fun and sane women in the world. Some of them are even kinky if that's your thing. But they are functional and happy with themselves. As far as I can tell from your report you are 0 for 3. What is it in you that causes you to exclusively get together with extremely damaged women?
Precisely - because I choose them. Quite why I choose these particular character types, over all the other women I've dated, I don't yet fully understand. It's something I need to analyse, explore and resolve within myself, and I've already raised it with my therapist and fully intend to get to the bottom of it. It's almost certainly linked to the way I was raised by my parents; AFAIK it's considered common knowledge in this day and age that your relationship choices are heavily influenced by your parental script.
I'm not sure why you see it necessary to point out that some women are 'even kinky if that's your thing' - my sex life in each of my long term relationships has been nothing short of amazing; quite unlike the sex I have experienced in any of my shorter term relationships. Perhaps that also influences why I chose these partners - I have a very high sex drive and wouldn't stay long term with someone who couldn't match my sexual desires. As with anything, there's likely to be a culmination of factors at work.
Perhaps you could now answer a question for me. Why is it that you parade around these boards, passing judgement (you're nuts) on others, whilst boasting (I'm one of the funniest posters on the site. I also have a well earned reputation for calling out bullshit) about your own over-inflated ego? What is it about you that makes you want to hide behind this persona of being a 'horrid asshole'? Does it not occur to you that people tend to visit this place because they want help, and that actually, the environment you provide through your words is not conducive at all to providing the kind of safe, non-judgemental setting that could best achieve that?
Does it make you happy to be a 'horrid asshole'? IME, the only people in life that act this way are deeply unhappy within themselves. I think it's pretty clear to anyone that happy people are inspired to help and be kind and compassionate to others, whilst unhappy people on the other hand, tend to act in much the way you do. Maybe I'm completely wrong and you're a wonderful, happy person in real life. Wanna call me out on it?
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
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Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 3
#22090825 - 08/14/15 11:39 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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My ego isn't over-inflated. It is exactly where it belongs. I offer advice and pass judgments based on my long experience of life and what I have seen in the lives of the people around me. I am not a twenty something newbie at life. A lot of people here have told me I have helped them. Guess what I think about your wife? She is hopeless. She is never going to get sane. Plenty of sane women are into sex. It isn't just the crazy ones with a libido so citing your sex drive as to why you always end up with nutcases is just a false premise.
And yeah, I think everybody who paints themselves like that is nuts. The whole thread was asking for opinion. You got it. You're a cutter. Most people would consider that insane. Add to that your penchant for being attracted to lunatic women and I stand by my assessment. One suicide, one inmate and the dysfunctional wife. Guess what I have never had in my life? Any of that self-destructive nonsense. Because I don't hate myself.
If you don't like what I have to say don't ask my opinion. You PMed me for it, remember? Believe me I would have no problem ignoring your drama play
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: zappaisgod]
#22090840 - 08/14/15 11:43 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Wow man, you've missed the point on so many levels in that post above.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: zappaisgod]
#22090845 - 08/14/15 11:43 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Additionally I don't think safe and non-judgmental is helpul after kindergarten. Maybe the best thing for you would be a baseball bat of reality upside the head, metaphorically speaking. I also don't "hide behind a persona." This is me. I'm as real as a heart attack.
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
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Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22090847 - 08/14/15 11:44 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said: Wow man, you've missed the point on so many levels in that post above.
I'm making the points here.
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Ilift
Stranger


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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22092951 - 08/14/15 10:37 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Saw this as I was leaving you rep. You have to decide whether you believe it was a genuine mistake and something she deeply regrets of the turning of your relationship. It's something you will just have to decide but If I were you, I'd go to the lawyer and get him to construct some sort of document stating that if there was a repeat and you divorced she wouldn't get shit in court. From the perspective of someone who has had severe clinically diagnosed depression I did allot of things I regret and will regret until the day I die. For instance, one of my childhood friends who I have known since birth asked me to help him get some buds so I said sure but instead took the money and used it on myself. The reason I bring this up is that it was a piece of shit move by me, in hindsight I cannot regret it enough and I have apologised copiously and it absolutely not something I would have done in a sane mind. This is no excuse however I hope it will give you insight that people can and do make very poor decisions that they regret and this may be one.
Edited by Ilift (08/14/15 10:38 PM)
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pachoo
Witchakookoo



Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 1
#22093216 - 08/15/15 12:50 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Personally, I believe Zappa hit every point on the head. Even if it's cruder than what you would want right now, it's sound advice. I'm actually reminded a ton of Zappa with my new therapist, who is rash and actually yells at me to stop being a victim of my past. Yes, I was abused as a child but I'm a confident woman who shouldn't allow that to dictate my mental health every day and falter my accomplishments. I end up feeling extremely liberated and self assured after my therapy sessions. I get really fucked up in the head when I'm at my worst and last month I ended up in a mental hospital because I allowed myself to fall off the band wagon. Don't tell him he's purposefully being a dick because he's not picking you up and handing you a lollipop. You need to find and listen to that balance of nurture and hardness advice with regards to your wife. If I'm not mistaken, he's congratulated you on being there for your wife but he cannot understand your flaws to women.
I can tell you love your wife and she loves you through your posts, but the reality is at this point of time your wife is really toxic and she cheated. Accidental or not, the reality is that she had another dick in her and went through with it. All the way. Do not try to rationalize this action. You have already decided to stick with her, and now all there is is to wait for her to get better herself while you deal with the wreckage. I also commend you with being by her side while she is self destructive and trying to sabotage your love for her because of her own self hatred. I understand that too well as being a tried-sabotager myself, and I'm incredibly grateful for my man sticking by me.
Good luck Joke, because you will need it. But I hope everything pulls through.
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Sagescruffy
CH



Registered: 10/30/09
Posts: 2,011
Loc: PNW
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: pachoo] 1
#22093256 - 08/15/15 01:19 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Ah hey, what if your wife's behavior is a reflection of you? I've seen a lot of guys fuck things up and blame their wife but really, I saw how they interacted with their wives and I was never surprised. Idk man, things don't happen for no reason.
-------------------- Love.  
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FungusOfTheBungus


Registered: 02/05/15
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Ilift]
#22094328 - 08/15/15 10:19 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Ilift said: Saw this as I was leaving you rep. You have to decide whether you believe it was a genuine mistake and something she deeply regrets of the turning of your relationship. It's something you will just have to decide but If I were you, I'd go to the lawyer and get him to construct some sort of document stating that if there was a repeat and you divorced she wouldn't get shit in court. From the perspective of someone who has had severe clinically diagnosed depression I did allot of things I regret and will regret until the day I die. For instance, one of my childhood friends who I have known since birth asked me to help him get some buds so I said sure but instead took the money and used it on myself. The reason I bring this up is that it was a piece of shit move by me, in hindsight I cannot regret it enough and I have apologised copiously and it absolutely not something I would have done in a sane mind. This is no excuse however I hope it will give you insight that people can and do make very poor decisions that they regret and this may be one.
A postnuptial that is completely lopsided or in favor of one party will not hold up in court. Judges in a lot of states will just ignore postnuptials anyway as the implication is that one party forced the other into it under duress. I talked to a lawyer in my state about it once, he admitted they are just basically a waste of time.
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FungusOfTheBungus


Registered: 02/05/15
Posts: 121
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Sagescruffy]
#22094365 - 08/15/15 10:31 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Sagescruffy said: Ah hey, what if your wife's behavior is a reflection of you? I've seen a lot of guys fuck things up and blame their wife but really, I saw how they interacted with their wives and I was never surprised. Idk man, things don't happen for no reason.
Normally I would agree with your sentiment. I've seen many dudes that treat their wives or girlfriends like dirt and then wonder why they get cheated on. BPD and other Cluster B personality disorders are a whole different ballgame. You can give them all the respect, love and attention you can muster and you will still never fill the emotional void in their psyches. You are dealing with grown adults with the emotional development of a three-year old. It sounds impossible but it is quite true. If you don't check yourself they can drive you to the point that you will find yourself interacting with them in degraded ways you could never imagine before. The OP has to make a decision as to whether or not he wants to stay with his wife and how to setup emotional boundaries to keep himself sane with his wife's explosive outbursts and crazy-making behavior. It's a tough road and I applaud him for having the guts to try it.
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Srirachi
Mold Hand



Registered: 10/18/05
Posts: 11,411
Loc: Fare Thee Well.
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: FungusOfTheBungus] 1
#22094625 - 08/15/15 12:02 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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This thread needs more paragraphs. It hurts my eyes.
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Sagescruffy
CH



Registered: 10/30/09
Posts: 2,011
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 6 months, 12 days
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: FungusOfTheBungus]
#22094842 - 08/15/15 01:16 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Ah all right, thanks for the intelligent response.
-------------------- Love.  
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pachoo
Witchakookoo



Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Sagescruffy]
#22094904 - 08/15/15 01:43 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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What a rough situation....
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Masked
The Nutter


Registered: 11/26/12
Posts: 8,979
Loc: Canada
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22095716 - 08/15/15 05:20 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I'm very sad to say but I think you are making a huge mistake 
But I will say, the hellish road you are about to embark on by taking her back, while it will leave you changed for ever and the lessons will be painful no doubt, in the end you will come out a stronger man
I went for years around and around on a carousel of painful scenarios and emotions with a women who I am certain has bpd.
If you ever need to talk privately please feel free to pm me
I wish you and your wife the best
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Masked]
#22097294 - 08/16/15 01:51 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Thanks again to everyone that has posted their opinions and advice. I appreciate it.
She's in rehab for a month right now to fix her alcohol addiction (which is why I'm online so much right now!) so I'm kinda in limbo for the next 3 weeks until I start to see her regularly again and can begin to asses whether she's making as full a commitment to her/us as I am.
None the less, as you say Masked, regardless of the pain I have experienced/will experience, this path will make me a stronger person, I have little doubt of that. Pain is inevitable in life, but suffering is not, and it is my prerogative to control how much I suffer.
I have to remind myself that I am not only choosing this path for her, I am choosing it for myself as well. I would cause myself suffering if I were to leave someone I love who needs help, and I would cause myself suffering if I were to walk away without giving her one last chance - always doomed to think 'what if'.
She is an amazing person who has made some terrible mistakes and is consumed by an illness, and she has the potential to work on herself and strive to reach her full potential.
After so much help from so many people, and much soul searching on my part, I am convinced I am doing the right thing and striving to be the best I can be. What more can I do than that?
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Masked
The Nutter


Registered: 11/26/12
Posts: 8,979
Loc: Canada
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 2
#22097449 - 08/16/15 03:22 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Well I suffered for years. I'm convinces you will too 
I started from a place of solid footing such as where u seem to be. But the years, the hurt, the betrayal, everything piled up. I thought I was being noble and strong for both of us
In the end....I was weak. Weak to hurt someone I love by looking out for me instead. Weak for being afraid of such drastic change. You add children in the picture and it gets even more complicated. I was weak thinking that I was fighting to save "us" for our kids
I was misguided and weak when I thought I was being strong. And it ultimately brought me to my knees. I am an empty shell of who I once was.
I already know this doesn't end well for you. But like me, you need to walk your own path and figure it out on your own. It will be many years from now, but there will come a point you are better for all of it
When things get dark please feel free to reach out ok.
It may seem my post is overtones of pessimism but it's not. And im not saying u r making a wrong choice. This is what you need as I did
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Masked]
#22097480 - 08/16/15 03:45 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I hear ya man, up until this point I also thought I was being strong whilst actually, I was being weak. I accept my responsibility in allowing things to get to this point; in the last year her behaviour has been getting increasingly worse and I thought I was being strong by continually showing love and taking her misbehaviour 'on the chin' so to speak.
This incident has changed all that. She's on very thin ice now, and firm boundaries and conditions have been laid down. I won't hesitate to end it should she cross these boundaries.
But at the end of the day, for my own sake, I need to be able to look back on this situation and realise that I did the best I could.
Thank you so much for you offer of being there man, and for sharing your experience. Can I ask you to clarify a couple of points for me please?
1. When you said you were 'Weak to hurt someone I love by looking out for me instead' - in what way were you looking out for you?
2. When you say you are 'an empty shell of who I once was' - does that mean that you still have not healed from the experience? How has it effected you to this day?
Cheers Masked.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Masked
The Nutter


Registered: 11/26/12
Posts: 8,979
Loc: Canada
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22097847 - 08/16/15 07:51 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Sorry when I'm on my phone at work I tend to shortcut my grammar too much. And even completely screw it up when I get the shift worker brain going lol
So what I meant is I was too weak to tell her I had enough and make the healthy decision to move on. I knew I would hurt her and felt paralyzed by this.
"I was too weak to hurt her, and look out for me and my needs"
And on to your second query...
I debated using past tense in that sentence. I guess I should of. I feel changed
But I guess I've now worn a negative rut deep in my mind from the amount and length of suffering I experienced. Essentially, it still feels habit to use present tense when I make comments like that. If that makes sense. And that's bad . That shows you just how detrimental this shit can be to a person
But no, I'm different and changed. I feel I am finally moving on with my life. I feel hopeful. And grateful. I'm stil just coming out of a coma so to say, so im still trying to get back up to steam. I see some good chapters ahead of me for my life 
I needed to know I gave it my all too. So I understand
Everyone around me has seen it and I've convinced myself I gave it my all.
Please keep me updated. And yes definitely make sure the couples counselling is consistent. I wish u the best man
-------------------- .
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Masked]
#22098173 - 08/16/15 10:09 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I get it all man, even the being a shift worker part! Thanks so much for clarifying.
I will keep you updated. Just had an amazing talk with a good friend who understands this stuff very much (she's been through a similar condition to my wife and is very connected in herself) and I feel like everything is slowly but surely falling into place. I feel like I know what I have to do. There's no fixed outcome, but I'm becoming more prepared for what lays ahead day by day.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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pachoo
Witchakookoo



Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22098396 - 08/16/15 11:24 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I'm so sorry that happened to you Masked. And good luck Joke. This situation just makes my stomach churn so much. I just cried fo you guys like a weiner bc its just so much emotional pain. It's so self destructive and I've been through stuff like that but never that bad. I can't, but kinda can, imagine how more fucked up I would've gotten if I had a substance problem.
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TheEaglesGift
The Nagual


Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 10,554
Loc: Ixtlan, Mexico
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: pachoo]
#22099918 - 08/16/15 06:38 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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"accidental affair" is a term that stems from denial.
there are no accidents when it comes to fucking other humans, it's a conscious decision.
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: TheEaglesGift] 1
#22099937 - 08/16/15 06:44 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Waddaya mean? She slipped and fell on his dick. Purely accidentally
--------------------
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TheEaglesGift
The Nagual


Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 10,554
Loc: Ixtlan, Mexico
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: zappaisgod] 2
#22099953 - 08/16/15 06:51 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Exactly.
Once I was in a similar situation and had convinced myself it was all my fault, that I wasn't a good husband and wasn't attentive enough.
I didn't want to accept that my wife was ruthless and selfish, but I've come to terms with the fact that we all are.
Love is almost always conditional. I can accept that.
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pachoo
Witchakookoo



Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: TheEaglesGift]
#22100048 - 08/16/15 07:19 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
TheEaglesGift said: "accidental affair" is a term that stems from denial.
there are no accidents when it comes to fucking other humans, it's a conscious decision.
I'm guessing that wasn't really directed at me.....
I don't believe in accidental affairs either. And I hope OP really isn't rationalizing that situation. But knowing from other posts I'm pretty sure he's past that point. He's decided to give her a chance regardless of her infidelity bc there are other problems that may have led to that behavior. F*cked up as it may be.
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: pachoo]
#22100089 - 08/16/15 07:31 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I don't know what he's doing. There is some serious whackadoo in this couple and it aint all her.
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pachoo
Witchakookoo



Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: zappaisgod]
#22100098 - 08/16/15 07:33 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Perhaps.
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pachoo
Witchakookoo



Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: pachoo]
#22100108 - 08/16/15 07:35 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I'm just really glad I'm not dealing with this shit storm. Makes me unbelievably sad and it's not even happening to me.
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: pachoo]
#22100152 - 08/16/15 07:45 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I seen this kinda shit so many times it only makes me sad that the parties are too stupid to recognizze shit when they eat it.
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pachoo
Witchakookoo



Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: zappaisgod]
#22100392 - 08/16/15 08:46 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Oh that's a sad truth. But truth none the less. Sometimes I feel like I'm way too sympathetic to this stuff. But can't help it. I can see disaster going in slow motion and the emotional hurdles to overcome but I'm hopeful for people nonetheless. Unless it's just really stupid. In this case I'm rooting for their wellbeing.
Although realistically I think OP might get further heartbroken. I can't help but see his subtle "she COULD be an awesome person" posts.
How long have they been together again? Edit: oh! 4 year marriage.
Edited by pachoo (08/16/15 08:48 PM)
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danielx
whatup!


Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 6,500
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 1
#22101243 - 08/17/15 01:08 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I know im late to this thread, but I just wanted to express my support and relay that im going through something similar. Found out my gf and best friend of 10 years was cheating on me, lied straight to my face about it until I found pictures.
I saw all the warning signs but chose to ignore it because I didn't want to believe it. Drugs didn't help the situation.
My emotions are all over the place, anger, grief, regret, etc. At the end of the day though you just have to sack up and realize this is what you need, you got done a favor finding out now instead of later.
I too have those "will I ever meet someone like this again" fears. That amount of time is hard to just start over with another woman. Im a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. You will bounce back.
Take care man.
EDIT-
Just skimmed the thread and seems like you are taking her back. I feel like you will regret that someday, but if thats what you feel is right then go for it. Just realize this likely wont end well.
-------------------- Long live kratom
Edited by danielx (08/17/15 01:14 AM)
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: danielx]
#22101782 - 08/17/15 07:52 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
TheEaglesGift said: "accidental affair" is a term that stems from denial.
It's a term that is common in psychology. A brief google search reveal a ton of results, e.g:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity
It doesn't mean that it was 'accidental' - it means it wasn't planned, or contrived prior to the occurrence.
Quote:
zappaisgod said: I don't know what he's doing. There is some serious whackadoo in this couple and it aint all her.
Quote:
pachoo said: Perhaps.
I think you should listen to zappa pachoo. He seems to be immensely skilled at passing judgement on others and clearly has insight that far surpasses my own. He is, after all, 'making the points here'. Who can argue with that?
Quote:
danielx said: Just skimmed the thread and seems like you are taking her back. I feel like you will regret that someday, but if thats what you feel is right then go for it. Just realize this likely wont end well.
Thanks for expressing your support man. I don't have a single regret in my life thus far, so I'm not concerned that this might turn out to be my first. I've done a huge amount of soul searching regarding this situation and have listened to countless opinions, along with the advice of many people, including friends, family, a therapist, psychologists, and all you lovely people here. I feel I'm doing the right thing. It might well turn out to be the wrong thing, but I'm never gonna know that unless I'm willing to make a mistake and learn from it.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22102618 - 08/17/15 12:29 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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You fucking asked me. I was done with it but you asked me in a PM to call you out and I gave my honest assessment. You've asked everybody for their opinions. Don't be surprised if some of them don't sit well with you. To tell you the truth, I expressed more concern for your well being than the nutjob's. If you think that is being malicious tell me why. You are fucking up. I and many others here can see it. Stop fucking up. For your own self. Danielx is right.
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pachoo
Witchakookoo



Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22102674 - 08/17/15 12:45 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Oh hun I wish the best for you really. But I just can't sit well with cheaters no matter the way or reasons they did it. So I agree with Zappa on that. I personally think you'll be even more hurt in the future from her. It's going to take a long time and she will lash out at you, regardless of medications. A personality disorder is the worst. They don't know or understand how to change themselves. It's a complete reboot of who they are and how they handle life. It's about their perception and their mentality. I'm really hoping for her tho, but it's going to take years of development and she will hurt you again during it. And I'm worried she will cheat again bc that's how she handled it. She's already past that line.
Good luck. I'm happy you have countless support systems. The only way to deal with this is for you to become emotionally stronger with her.
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: zappaisgod] 1
#22103200 - 08/17/15 03:26 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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--------------------
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danielx
whatup!


Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 6,500
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: danielx] 1
#22103577 - 08/17/15 05:03 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Someone asked me via PM what the warning signs I saw when my girlfriend was cheating on me. My response was so long winded, I decided to post it her incase it helps someone avoid getting played in the future:
Quote:
No worries. She started pushing me away. I wouldn't hear from her for hours at a time, then I'd get a bullshit response like "oh I was busy", as if anyone can be so busy for hours they cant send a one minute text.
I noticed she had a new guy friend, and was becoming extremely secretive over her phone. I'd take one step towards it and she would rip it away, get angry, defensive, start a fight then make me the bad guy.
Eventually, something drew me to facebook. I never get on it, I don't even have an account, but I started lurking.
Went on my girlfriend's mom's facebook, and saw a picture of my girlfriend and some guy. Searched for this guy, and found dozens of pictures of them together. Her laying naked with this guys dog, them at a movie theatre, her dressed up at a wedding with him and comments saying "nice to meet your gf", so on so fourth.
Called my girlfriend, told her she was a sociopath. She justified it by saying things were getting bad. Which is hilarious because things were getting bad because she was pushing me away, likely because she was cheating on me.
Told her she would never see me, talk to me again, and I love myself to ever treated like that by anyone. Even if she changed, theres no way I could ever trust someone like that ever again.
10 years down the drain. I took her in at age 14, we were together until we were both 24. Took her virginity, grew up together, taught each other, went everywhere together, we were best friends.
Sucks having to start over, but I wouldn't take any of it back. We had a blast.
Sorry if this was long winded, it feels good to get it out whenever I can.
-------------------- Long live kratom
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DubSpore
Busy being human



Registered: 07/04/12
Posts: 925
Loc: Ohio
Last seen: 3 months, 4 days
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: danielx]
#22103858 - 08/17/15 06:18 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Sham87
mashAllah


Registered: 05/16/11
Posts: 9,818
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 2
#22103912 - 08/17/15 06:28 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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My only advice to OP is if you're going to forgive her, forgive her.
Don't use the situation as ammo in your arsenal in the future when shit gets hairy.
Remember YOU chose to forgive her.
I wish you love and peace.
--------------------
   ...once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest places if you look at it right...
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pachoo
Witchakookoo



Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: danielx]
#22103994 - 08/17/15 06:52 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Ouch.....that sociopathic whore. Makes me so angry. Glad you're out man. Phew. 10 years.... 10 years.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: pachoo]
#22105402 - 08/18/15 05:08 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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There isn't a single opinion in this thread that doesn't sit well with me zappa, I'm grateful for all of them, as I have said many times over. It's just you. Since you seem so intent on mentioning the fact I PM'd you at every opportunity, let's look at that in further detail. In my tattoo thread, you said:
Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
zappaisgod said:
Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
zappaisgod said: I won't even that other thread of yours.
Which one is that?
The accidental affair one
What about it? Please, call me out if you have grounds to do so.
I PM'd you because I wanted to see what mickey mouse grounds you thought you had to call me out on. I was essentially calling you out on your "well earned reputation for calling out bullshit" - which, IMO, is simply a result of you being an egotstical twat. Here's the PM I sent you:
Or call me out here I'm happy either way, but very interested to know what your opinion is. Last thing you said was that you applauded what I was doing. Have I got you on a bad mood day or something?
Peace and love brother!
Simple fact of the matter zappa, is I find you dislikable in the extreme. I also know for a fact I'm not the only one - I've been through your posting habits and ratings in depth and have seen how you respond to anyone who echoes my opinion about you. I find you to be a sad and pathetic individual and I would prefer to avoid you at all costs. Surely not a surprising fact to someone who prides themselves on being a 'horrid asshole'.
I am grateful for what input you have had, so thank you for that. But from here on out I think it would be best if we simply avoided each other - I hope you agree. The fact that our characters clash so extremely is unfortunate but, IMO, I stand for everything you do not, and vice versa. I have not had this issue with anyone else on the shroomery, and I hope not to again, although I do know that this situation is at times in life unavoidable.
I would appreciate your understanding on this matter.
Peace.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Sham87] 1
#22105405 - 08/18/15 05:11 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Sham87 said: My only advice to OP is if you're going to forgive her, forgive her.
Don't use the situation as ammo in your arsenal in the future when shit gets hairy.
Remember YOU chose to forgive her.
I wish you love and peace.
Thanks brother. Many people (my closest friends included) have echoed this sentiment exactly, so I know it to be true and absolutely required. Peace and love right back at ya man!!
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22105487 - 08/18/15 06:10 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Simple fact of the matter zappa, is I find you dislikable in the extreme. I also know for a fact I'm not the only one - I've been through your posting habits and ratings in depth and have seen how you respond to anyone who echoes my opinion about you. I find you to be a sad and pathetic individual and I would prefer to avoid you at all costs. Surely not a surprising fact to someone who prides themselves on being a 'horrid asshole'.
I am grateful for what input you have had, so thank you for that. But from here on out I think it would be best if we simply avoided each other - I hope you agree. The fact that our characters clash so extremely is unfortunate but, IMO, I stand for everything you do not, and vice versa. I have not had this issue with anyone else on the shroomery, and I hope not to again, although I do know that this situation is at times in life unavoidable.
I would appreciate your understanding on this matter.
Peace.
I was already out. Clearly. I said as much but you opened it up. If you think I'm not going to respond to your insults and assertions about what other people thnk of me you are sadly mistaken. My ratings are actually quite positive and I am at or near the top in most of the positive polls in this thread. If you don't want to correspond with me, don't correspond with me. And that will be the end. Your whining is useless. No wonder she doesn't respect you.
--------------------
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: zappaisgod]
#22105601 - 08/18/15 07:16 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
zappaisgod said: If you don't want to correspond with me, don't correspond with me. And that will be the end.
That's all I'm asking for brother. I would appreciate if you could extend the same courtesy to me.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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automan
blasted chipmunk


Registered: 09/18/03
Posts: 8,272
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22105639 - 08/18/15 07:16 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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This thread has been closed.
Reason: op: I want your honest opinions
*eveyone gives honest opinions*
op: fuck you guys that didn't give the opinion i want
FIN
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