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Srirachi
Mold Hand



Registered: 10/18/05
Posts: 11,411
Loc: Fare Thee Well.
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: TheEaglesGift] 1
#22045813 - 08/05/15 05:45 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I look at it this way- part of love is forgiveness. I know for a fact you can put it behind you and move forward... but not if you can't get over it. He can leave her and no one will blame him, but at the same time, he can forgive her and stay if that's what he wants. At some point he'll have to forgive her anyway, or it'll kill him.
Plus, how does anyone ever really know that their wife isn't a cum guzzling human protein shake of other men's semen? This chick has some mental issues, and yeah she's still responsible for her own actions because she's an adult, but it bothered her enough that she confessed.
In my opinion the fact that she told him and didn't have to means she's more trustworthy than the average woman. She isn't a cheater at heart, because when she did cheat, it ate at her. She's a keeper. He's just got to try and find a way to make it work, if he wants to.
OP you love her dearly... she loves you enough to confess. That's more than most marriages can say.
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Mr.GuessWork
Stranger

Registered: 03/30/13
Posts: 4,563
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Srirachi]
#22045965 - 08/05/15 07:16 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Srirachi said: I look at it this way- part of love is forgiveness. I know for a fact you can put it behind you and move forward... but not if you can't get over it. He can leave her and no one will blame him, but at the same time, he can forgive her and stay if that's what he wants. At some point he'll have to forgive her anyway, or it'll kill him.
Plus, how does anyone ever really know that their wife isn't a cum guzzling human protein shake of other men's semen? This chick has some mental issues, and yeah she's still responsible for her own actions because she's an adult, but it bothered her enough that she confessed.
In my opinion the fact that she told him and didn't have to means she's more trustworthy than the average woman. She isn't a cheater at heart, because when she did cheat, it ate at her. She's a keeper. He's just got to try and find a way to make it work, if he wants to.
OP you love her dearly... she loves you enough to confess. That's more than most marriages can say.
Well put. The wife clearly trusts the OP, and she was willing to risk losing him to keep as much of his respect as she could. That'd be enough for me to still trust her intentions. Anything past that may need to be built back up from the intentions. Personally I wouldn't end it unless both people really thought about it, and it felt right on a deep down level.
This is actually a great opportunity to supportively confront some of the mental problems. It's times like these when understanding and forgiveness can have their greatest impact. The cheating creates a clear need for that stuff, and it sounds like she couldn't find a better way to get at those feelings (you said yourself OP that this wasn't an act of pleasure for her). Some of the best character and bonding develops out of overcoming hardship without caving into it. When you've been through hell and back with somebody, you know you can trust them not to leave your ass in the fire, and you can trust yourself not to leave their ass in the fire too. I think you should have a heart to heart with the wife before going through with this OP, and you might as well bare your soul to make sure the right thing happens.
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The Doobie Dude


Registered: 04/28/13
Posts: 13,498
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Arctic W. Fox]
#22046482 - 08/05/15 10:10 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Arctic W. Fox said: Before you get yourself any deeper into this, drop her like a flaming bag of dog shit.
There is no accidental affair.
Once a cheater - always a cheater. This isn't her first rodeo, just the first time she got caught.
You're dating a psycho... what the fuck is wrong with you, man? You're not her babysitter, mother, or psychologist. Do you like holding onto the anchor while it drops to the bottom of the ocean of mental instability?
Really? I mean, really!
This is 110% sound advice
--------------------
"There are a million reasons to drink and one just popped into my head. If a man can't drink when he's living how the Hell can he drink when he's dead?" - Irish Limerick I PLURed once because it was PLUR or die. - D.M.T.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Mr.GuessWork]
#22046664 - 08/05/15 11:03 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Mr.GuessWork said:
Quote:
Srirachi said: I look at it this way- part of love is forgiveness. I know for a fact you can put it behind you and move forward... but not if you can't get over it. He can leave her and no one will blame him, but at the same time, he can forgive her and stay if that's what he wants. At some point he'll have to forgive her anyway, or it'll kill him.
Plus, how does anyone ever really know that their wife isn't a cum guzzling human protein shake of other men's semen? This chick has some mental issues, and yeah she's still responsible for her own actions because she's an adult, but it bothered her enough that she confessed.
In my opinion the fact that she told him and didn't have to means she's more trustworthy than the average woman. She isn't a cheater at heart, because when she did cheat, it ate at her. She's a keeper. He's just got to try and find a way to make it work, if he wants to.
OP you love her dearly... she loves you enough to confess. That's more than most marriages can say.
Well put. The wife clearly trusts the OP, and she was willing to risk losing him to keep as much of his respect as she could. That'd be enough for me to still trust her intentions. Anything past that may need to be built back up from the intentions. Personally I wouldn't end it unless both people really thought about it, and it felt right on a deep down level.
This is actually a great opportunity to supportively confront some of the mental problems. It's times like these when understanding and forgiveness can have their greatest impact. The cheating creates a clear need for that stuff, and it sounds like she couldn't find a better way to get at those feelings (you said yourself OP that this wasn't an act of pleasure for her). Some of the best character and bonding develops out of overcoming hardship without caving into it. When you've been through hell and back with somebody, you know you can trust them not to leave your ass in the fire, and you can trust yourself not to leave their ass in the fire too. I think you should have a heart to heart with the wife before going through with this OP, and you might as well bare your soul to make sure the right thing happens.
Thank you both for these replies, they are very much in line with how I was thinking before I got drunk last night and had a stupid knee jerk reaction. You're both right IMO, in terms of how she handled this, how I should properly handle my next interaction with her, and how there is a *slight* possibility of a future here, provided she proves that she is worth it.
It's such a confusing situation, given the fact that I would drop anyone in a sane mind who did this. However I am also very concerned about what many others here have said; that a woman who displays these kind of mental health issues is very likely to cause me so much more strife in the long run. She has been in and out of therapy since 17, and is 33 now, and from what I can see she's only got worse in that time. However I think this is due to the fact she's never really 'took the bull by the horns' and has expected someone else to fix her, like many people in her situation.
I do believe that people with such deep rooted issues can be cured, but how long could it take? How much more must I suffer (should I ever take her back) before/if she ever comes through it?
Based on a lot of the responses here (and I know the shroomery tends to have a close connection to many individuals with mental health issues) it doesn't feel promising.
I do agree that this is probably "a great opportunity to supportively confront some of the mental problems" - this could well be the catalyst that causes her to fix up (I already happen to know she's booked herself into rehab on Monday), but she's an amazing actress and could fool nearly anyone that she's better when she's actually not.
I feel so torn. My selfish side just wants out and to start a new life, but my compassionate side sees a human being who is deeply in need of help and support. Whatever happens, this will be the biggest decision of my life thus far, so I know I can't make it lightly.
Once again, I simply cannot express how grateful I am to all you guys for helping me through this. It's truly beautiful to see how complete strangers care enough to help a man in a position as I'm in.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Srirachi
Mold Hand



Registered: 10/18/05
Posts: 11,411
Loc: Fare Thee Well.
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22046718 - 08/05/15 11:15 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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been there man.
One thing though - you're still looking at it from a standpoint of what you're giving up or how you will be affected by this. If she was drowning, would you weigh the pros and cons, or just say fuck it and jump in?
She needs you to jump in. Even though it's not remotely close to fair to you, you can go home and throw your arms around her and tell her you love her, say baby I'm sorry this all happened too, but I love you and as long as you love me and want to work on this, there's nothing in this world that will make me give up on you, not even this... you want to see a woman look at you like you're the most incredible man in the world, try that.
I think a lot of women cheat because they don't feel like they are loved like that. If she realizes she is, she will realize that there's no man in the world better for her than you and she'll just laugh at him when another guy hits on her.
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paperbackwriter
Edward Lear


Registered: 03/31/14
Posts: 1,888
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22046849 - 08/05/15 11:44 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Personally speaking once I got serious about getting help it still took me a couple of years to 'get around' to getting help.
I absolutely do not believe that people with mental health issues can fix themselves but I do believe they have to be open to treatment. It's like any other health issue, if I break my leg I have to go to the doctor to get it fixed, I can't do it myself and if I sit on my ass all day instead of seeing a professional it's going to heal all fucked up.
Antidepressants have also been great for me. They've helped immensely with how I treat my family and allowed me to take a step back and be more mindful of my actions.
But I fucking love serotonin based drugs and always have. LSD, MDMA, Shrooms So an SSRI made a lot of sense once I got passed my stigma and pride.
I feel kinda bad for suggesting you dump her outright over the STD thing. It's something my wife and I have talked about as far as relationships outside our marriage go. Hypothetical 'would you forgive me if' conversations. So my response was something canned from my own marriage
-------------------- Why should we strive with cynic frown To knock their fairy castles down? ~ Eliza Cook It's rather embarrassing to have given one's entire life to pondering the human predicament and to find that in the end one has little more to say than, 'Try to be a little kinder.' ~Aldous Huxley
Edited by paperbackwriter (08/05/15 11:45 AM)
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Srirachi]
#22046851 - 08/05/15 11:46 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Srirachi said:
been there man.
One thing though - you're still looking at it from a standpoint of what you're giving up or how you will be affected by this. If she was drowning, would you weigh the pros and cons, or just say fuck it and jump in?
She needs you to jump in. Even though it's not remotely close to fair to you, you can go home and throw your arms around her and tell her you love her, say baby I'm sorry this all happened too, but I love you and as long as you love me and want to work on this, there's nothing in this world that will make me give up on you, not even this... you want to see a woman look at you like you're the most incredible man in the world, try that.
I think a lot of women cheat because they don't feel like they are loved like that. If she realizes she is, she will realize that there's no man in the world better for her than you and she'll just laugh at him when another guy hits on her.
Thanks Srirachi. Based on some of the advice I have received from friends (who know her as well as me) it has definitely been suggested that I follow the course of action that you suggest by 'jumping in'.
However I also know that she does already feel loved like that, that she does in fact know herself that "there's no man in the world better for her than I". I think the fact that she admires me so much is actually the root cause of her actions in this instance. For some time before this happened she had been suggesting that I would be so much better off with someone other than her. Her MO is to see herself as worthless and a burden and often does not know what I see in her. I see an amazing person with a shitload of issues, and as time has gone by, I have been questioning if I can handle the sheer volume of her issues, because I just don't know if/when that amazing person will ever really come to the fore.
I had actually set myself a resolution at the beginning of July to give the relationship another 2 years, and if things hadn't changed by that point, I would end it.
One of my best friends had pointed out that this may well be a 'blessing in disguise', in the sense that it puts the power in my hands to point out that she now has to prove to me she's worth it, and that that may well be the scare that causes her to change everything.
He talks with some experience too - he had a depression like hers in his late 20's (he's 52 now) and it wasn't until his wife reached the point where she was about to leave him that he started to shape up. He's still happily married now and is in fact one of the most amazing people I have ever met.
I think my wife has the potential to be a really amazing human being too. But not unless she makes the decision to fix her life, no matter what it takes.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Srirachi
Mold Hand



Registered: 10/18/05
Posts: 11,411
Loc: Fare Thee Well.
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22046869 - 08/05/15 11:50 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Well said man - I think you're in touch with this really well, which is pretty amazing. I believe you really do love her. Good luck man. I'd trade everything to love someone like that.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: paperbackwriter]
#22046959 - 08/05/15 11:57 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
paperbackwriter said: Personally speaking once I got serious about getting help it still took me a couple of years to 'get around' to getting help.
I absolutely do not believe that people with mental health issues can fix themselves but I do believe they have to be open to treatment. It's like any other health issue, if I break my leg I have to go to the doctor to get it fixed, I can't do it myself and if I sit on my ass all day instead of seeing a professional it's going to heal all fucked up.
Antidepressants have also been great for me. They've helped immensely with how I treat my family and allowed me to take a step back and be more mindful of my actions.
But I fucking love serotonin based drugs and always have. LSD, MDMA, Shrooms So an SSRI made a lot of sense once I got passed my stigma and pride.
I feel kinda bad for suggesting you dump her outright over the STD thing. It's something my wife and I have talked about as far as relationships outside our marriage go. Hypothetical 'would you forgive me if' conversations. So my response was something canned from my own marriage 
Thanks for saying man. It was my own fault for getting drunk and getting in touch with her at that point though - I should have known better than my intoxicated state would cause me to react in a bad way.
I hear what you're saying about not "believing that people with mental health issues can fix themselves". I agree completely, but I think she has thus far done the opposite - she's been for all the help, and has spent probably £50,000 on treatment, either privately funded or through my health insurance.
However on the flip side, I believe people with mental health issues can receive all the treatment in the world but if their heart isn't in it none of this will fix them! She's also tried many SSRI's, SNRI's, NDRI's, etc. Again, I suspect these things might take the edge off, but probably nothing will work until she decides to go all out!
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Srirachi]
#22047005 - 08/05/15 12:04 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Srirachi said: Well said man - I think you're in touch with this really well, which is pretty amazing. I believe you really do love her. Good luck man. I'd trade everything to love someone like that.
Thank you man. The other side of my dilemma is wondering if I will ever love someone like this again. I have known this girl since I was 15, and we were good friends all those years before we got together. I couldn't give examples without writing an essay but there has been so much synchronicity throughout our relationship I really don't know if that will ever happen again - a sentiment that has been echoed by another friend of mine after she left a relationship like that 13 years ago - and still to this day, many relationships later, hasn't found anything that comes close.
Good luck to you too brother. In my experience the good ones come when you least expect it.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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FungusOfTheBungus


Registered: 02/05/15
Posts: 121
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22061163 - 08/07/15 11:55 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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http://gettinbetter.com/BPDlove.html
If any of this sounds familiar to you guys then you need to run, not walk, run away now. You're fighting an uphill battle you will not win.
Once you look under the covers you'll wish you could take it back.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: FungusOfTheBungus]
#22061529 - 08/08/15 04:40 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
FungusOfTheBungus said: http://gettinbetter.com/BPDlove.html
If any of this sounds familiar to you guys then you need to run, not walk, run away now. You're fighting an uphill battle you will not win.
Once you look under the covers you'll wish you could take it back.
Oh fuck.
As painful as that is. Thank you man, deeply.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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MoxyOx
Grazin'

Registered: 10/08/10
Posts: 1,439
Loc:
Last seen: 1 month, 20 days
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22070861 - 08/10/15 08:41 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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She won't learn unless she suffers.
She cannot suffer unless you leave.
Give it a few years before you even come close again dude, you need the distance.
-------------------- No one behind, no one ahead. The path the ancients cleared has closed. And the other path, everyone's path, easy and wide, goes nowhere. I am alone and find my way.
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FungusOfTheBungus


Registered: 02/05/15
Posts: 121
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22072761 - 08/10/15 05:39 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
FungusOfTheBungus said: http://gettinbetter.com/BPDlove.html
If any of this sounds familiar to you guys then you need to run, not walk, run away now. You're fighting an uphill battle you will not win.
Once you look under the covers you'll wish you could take it back.
Oh fuck.
As painful as that is. Thank you man, deeply.
I wish you the best. You sound like a decent guy and you deserve to be with someone that makes you happy and treats you well.
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Crystal G



Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 19,584
Loc: outer space
Last seen: 8 months, 6 days
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: FungusOfTheBungus]
#22073239 - 08/10/15 07:28 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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If she came out with it and admitted to it on her own, sounds like she really truly does regret it. I might give a 2nd chance depending on the circumstances. People who are true cheaters will typically try to deny it, or lie about it, for as long as they can to get away with it...
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Crystal G] 1
#22073270 - 08/10/15 07:35 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Read the OP. She's nuts. It isn't just the cheating
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: zappaisgod] 1
#22073464 - 08/10/15 08:08 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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She's very ill and she needs psychiatric help - that's what underlies all of her actions IMO. Several recent life events have caused her to recede further into her illness - it's like she's become a shell of the wonderful woman I married all those years ago.
She was diagnosed with BPD less than a year ago. Off the back of this event (due to her overwhelming guilt) she's gone into a 28 day addiction treatment program to stop the drinking, starting this morning. That's a start. It is possible that this event was a blessing in disguise - if it causes her to take hold of her illness and work to conquer it no matter what, then there's some hope.
I thank everyone who has participated in this thread from the bottom of my heart. I've decided to give her one more chance, and I'm going to spend the next 28 days doing as much reading on how to deal with BPD as I can. I have set some very strict boundaries from here on out and have told her unequivocally that I will leave her if she crosses these boundaries.
When it came down to it, and I asked my heart what is right, I realised I would not be living from a place of utmost compassion to leave someone I love when they are so much in need of help.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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RobZombie68
The Shaman's Apprentice


Registered: 06/22/14
Posts: 820
Loc: Palookaville, US
Last seen: 30 days, 7 hours
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22073473 - 08/10/15 08:09 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Accidental affair? Sorry bud, I'd drop any bitch on a dime that would even lie to me, regardless of the life we have together.
If she did it once,,, she will do it again!
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: RobZombie68] 1
#22073489 - 08/10/15 08:11 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
RobZombie68 said: Accidental affair? Sorry bud, I'd drop any bitch on a dime that would even lie to me, regardless of the life we have together.
If she did it once,,, she will do it again!
Have you never lied to a partner? I know I've lied to my wife. 3 times to be exact. I came clean every time but shit, ain't a single one of us perfect.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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RobZombie68
The Shaman's Apprentice


Registered: 06/22/14
Posts: 820
Loc: Palookaville, US
Last seen: 30 days, 7 hours
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22073515 - 08/10/15 08:16 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I take a lot of pride in myself, that I don't lie, cheat or steal,,, never! My conscience won't let me, I fucking hate liars & thieves...
To answer your question, 17 years together and I have never lied to her....
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