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Offlinezappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] * 3
    #22090825 - 08/14/15 11:39 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

My ego isn't over-inflated.  It is exactly where it belongs.  I offer advice and pass judgments based on my long experience of life and what I have seen in the lives of the people around me.  I am not a twenty something newbie at life.  A lot of people here have told me I have helped them.  Guess what I think about your wife?  She is hopeless.  She is never going to get sane.  Plenty of sane women are into sex.  It isn't just the crazy ones with a libido so citing your sex drive as to why you always end up with nutcases is just a false premise. 

And yeah, I think everybody who paints themselves like that is nuts.  The whole thread was asking for opinion. You got it.  You're a cutter.  Most people would consider that insane.  Add to that your penchant for being attracted to lunatic women and I stand by my assessment.  One suicide, one inmate and the dysfunctional wife.  Guess what I have never had in my life? Any of that self-destructive nonsense.  Because I don't hate myself.

If you don't like what I have to say don't ask my opinion.  You PMed me for it, remember?  Believe me I would have no problem ignoring your drama play


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: zappaisgod]
    #22090840 - 08/14/15 11:43 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Wow man, you've missed the point on so many levels in that post above.


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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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Offlinezappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: zappaisgod]
    #22090845 - 08/14/15 11:43 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Additionally I don't think safe and non-judgmental is helpul after kindergarten.  Maybe the best thing for you would be a baseball bat of reality upside the head, metaphorically speaking.  I also don't "hide behind a persona."  This is me.  I'm as real as a heart attack.


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Offlinezappaisgod
horrid asshole


Registered: 02/11/04
Posts: 81,741
Loc: Fractallife's gym
Last seen: 7 years, 7 months
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #22090847 - 08/14/15 11:44 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Jokeshopbeard said:
Wow man, you've missed the point on so many levels in that post above.




I'm making the points here.


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OfflineIlift
Stranger
 User Gallery

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 843
Last seen: 4 years, 8 months
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #22092951 - 08/14/15 10:37 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Saw this as I was leaving you rep. You have to decide whether you believe it was a genuine mistake and something she deeply regrets of the turning of your relationship. It's something you will just have to decide but If I were you, I'd go to the lawyer and get him to construct some sort of document stating that if there was a repeat and you divorced she wouldn't get shit in court. From the perspective of someone who has had severe clinically diagnosed depression I did allot of things I regret and will regret until the day I die. For instance, one of my childhood friends who I have known since birth asked me to help him get some buds so I said sure but instead took the money and used it on myself. The reason I bring this up is that it was a piece of shit move by me, in hindsight I cannot regret it enough and I have apologised copiously and it absolutely not something I would have done in a sane mind. This is no excuse however I hope it will give you insight that people can and do make very poor decisions that they regret and this may be one.


Edited by Ilift (08/14/15 10:38 PM)


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InvisiblepachooDiscord
Witchakookoo
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] * 1
    #22093216 - 08/15/15 12:50 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Personally, I believe Zappa hit every point on the head. Even if it's cruder than what you would want right now, it's sound advice. I'm actually reminded a ton of Zappa with my new therapist, who is rash and actually yells at me to stop being a victim of my past. Yes, I was abused as a child but I'm a confident woman who shouldn't allow that to dictate my mental health every day and falter my accomplishments. I end up feeling extremely liberated and self assured after my therapy sessions. I get really fucked up in the head when I'm at my worst and last month I ended up in a mental hospital because I allowed myself to fall off the band wagon.
Don't tell him he's purposefully being a dick because he's not picking you up and handing you a lollipop. You need to find and listen to that balance of nurture and hardness advice with regards to your wife. If I'm not mistaken, he's congratulated you on being there for your wife but he cannot understand your flaws to women.


I can tell you love your wife and she loves you through your posts, but the reality is at this point of time your wife is really toxic and she cheated. Accidental or not, the reality is that she had another dick in her and went through with it. All the way. Do not try to rationalize this action. You have already decided to stick with her, and now all there is is to wait for her to get better herself while you deal with the wreckage. I also commend you with being by her side while she is self destructive and trying to sabotage your love for her because of her own self hatred. I understand that too well as being a tried-sabotager myself, and I'm incredibly grateful for my man sticking by me.

Good luck Joke, because you will need it. But I hope everything pulls through.

:heartpump:


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:heartpump::heartpump: :heartpump::heartpump:


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OfflineSagescruffy
CH
Male


Registered: 10/30/09
Posts: 2,011
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 6 months, 12 days
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: pachoo] * 1
    #22093256 - 08/15/15 01:19 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Ah hey, what if your wife's behavior is a reflection of you? I've seen a lot of guys fuck things up and blame their wife but really, I saw how they interacted with their wives and I was never surprised. Idk man, things don't happen for no reason.


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Love.


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OfflineFungusOfTheBungus


Registered: 02/05/15
Posts: 121
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Ilift]
    #22094328 - 08/15/15 10:19 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Ilift said:
Saw this as I was leaving you rep. You have to decide whether you believe it was a genuine mistake and something she deeply regrets of the turning of your relationship. It's something you will just have to decide but If I were you, I'd go to the lawyer and get him to construct some sort of document stating that if there was a repeat and you divorced she wouldn't get shit in court. From the perspective of someone who has had severe clinically diagnosed depression I did allot of things I regret and will regret until the day I die. For instance, one of my childhood friends who I have known since birth asked me to help him get some buds so I said sure but instead took the money and used it on myself. The reason I bring this up is that it was a piece of shit move by me, in hindsight I cannot regret it enough and I have apologised copiously and it absolutely not something I would have done in a sane mind. This is no excuse however I hope it will give you insight that people can and do make very poor decisions that they regret and this may be one.




A postnuptial that is completely lopsided or in favor of one party will not hold up in court. Judges in a lot of states will just ignore postnuptials anyway as the implication is that one party forced the other into it under duress. I talked to a lawyer in my state about it once, he admitted they are just basically a waste of time.


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OfflineFungusOfTheBungus


Registered: 02/05/15
Posts: 121
Last seen: 7 years, 8 months
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Sagescruffy]
    #22094365 - 08/15/15 10:31 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Sagescruffy said:
Ah hey, what if your wife's behavior is a reflection of you? I've seen a lot of guys fuck things up and blame their wife but really, I saw how they interacted with their wives and I was never surprised. Idk man, things don't happen for no reason.




Normally I would agree with your sentiment. I've seen many dudes that treat their wives or girlfriends like dirt and then wonder why they get cheated on. BPD and other Cluster B personality disorders are a whole different ballgame. You can give them all the respect, love and attention you can muster and you will still never fill the emotional void in their psyches. You are dealing with grown adults with the emotional development of a three-year old. It sounds impossible but it is quite true. If you don't check yourself they can drive you to the point that you will find yourself interacting with them in degraded ways you could never imagine before. The OP has to make a decision as to whether or not he wants to stay with his wife and how to setup emotional boundaries to keep himself sane with his wife's explosive outbursts and crazy-making behavior. It's a tough road and I applaud him for having the guts to try it.


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InvisibleSrirachi
Mold Hand
 User Gallery


Registered: 10/18/05
Posts: 11,411
Loc: Fare Thee Well.
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: FungusOfTheBungus] * 1
    #22094625 - 08/15/15 12:02 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

This thread needs more paragraphs. It hurts my eyes.


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OfflineSagescruffy
CH
Male


Registered: 10/30/09
Posts: 2,011
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 6 months, 12 days
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: FungusOfTheBungus]
    #22094842 - 08/15/15 01:16 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Ah all right, thanks for the intelligent response.


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Love.


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InvisiblepachooDiscord
Witchakookoo
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Sagescruffy]
    #22094904 - 08/15/15 01:43 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

What a rough situation.... :frown:


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:heartpump::heartpump: :heartpump::heartpump:


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InvisibleMasked
The Nutter
Male User Gallery

Registered: 11/26/12
Posts: 8,979
Loc: Canada Flag
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #22095716 - 08/15/15 05:20 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I'm very sad to say but I think you are making a huge mistake :sad:

But I will say,  the hellish road you are about to embark on by taking her back, while it will leave you changed for ever and the lessons will be painful no doubt, in the end you will come out a stronger man

I went for years around and around on a carousel of painful scenarios and emotions with a women who I am certain has bpd.

If you ever need to talk privately please feel free to pm me

I wish you and your wife the best


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Masked]
    #22097294 - 08/16/15 01:51 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Thanks again to everyone that has posted their opinions and advice. I appreciate it.

She's in rehab for a month right now to fix her alcohol addiction (which is why I'm online so much right now!) so I'm kinda in limbo for the next 3 weeks until I start to see her regularly again and can begin to asses whether she's making as full a commitment to her/us as I am.

None the less, as you say Masked, regardless of the pain I have experienced/will experience, this path will make me a stronger person, I have little doubt of that. Pain is inevitable in life, but suffering is not, and it is my prerogative to control how much I suffer.

I have to remind myself that I am not only choosing this path for her, I am choosing it for myself as well. I would cause myself suffering if I were to leave someone I love who needs help, and I would cause myself suffering if I were to walk away without giving her one last chance - always doomed to think 'what if'.

She is an amazing person who has made some terrible mistakes and is consumed by an illness, and she has the potential to work on herself and strive to reach her full potential.

After so much help from so many people, and much soul searching on my part, I am convinced I am doing the right thing and striving to be the best I can be. What more can I do than that?


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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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InvisibleMasked
The Nutter
Male User Gallery

Registered: 11/26/12
Posts: 8,979
Loc: Canada Flag
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] * 2
    #22097449 - 08/16/15 03:22 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Well I suffered for years.  I'm convinces you will too :sad:

I started from a place of solid footing such as where u seem to be.  But the years, the hurt, the betrayal, everything piled up.  I thought I was being noble and strong for both of us

In the end....I was weak.  Weak to hurt someone I love by looking out for me instead. Weak for being afraid of such drastic change.  You add children in the picture and it gets even more complicated.  I was weak thinking that I was fighting to save "us" for our kids

I was misguided and weak when I thought I was being strong.  And it ultimately brought me to my knees.  I am an empty shell of who I once was. 

I already know this doesn't end well for you.  But like me, you need to walk your own path and figure it out on your own.  It will be many years from now, but there will come a point you are better for all of it

When things get dark please feel free to reach out ok.

It may seem my post is overtones of pessimism but it's not.  And im not saying u r making a wrong choice.  This is what you need as I did


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Masked]
    #22097480 - 08/16/15 03:45 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I hear ya man, up until this point I also thought I was being strong whilst actually, I was being weak. I accept my responsibility in allowing things to get to this point; in the last year her behaviour has been getting increasingly worse and I thought I was being strong by continually showing love and taking her misbehaviour 'on the chin' so to speak.

This incident has changed all that. She's on very thin ice now, and firm boundaries and conditions have been laid down. I won't hesitate to end it should she cross these boundaries.

But at the end of the day, for my own sake, I need to be able to look back on this situation and realise that I did the best I could.

Thank you so much for you offer of being there man, and for sharing your experience. Can I ask you to clarify a couple of points for me please?

1. When you said you were 'Weak to hurt someone I love by looking out for me instead' - in what way were you looking out for you?

2. When you say you are 'an empty shell of who I once was' - does that mean that you still have not healed from the experience? How has it effected you to this day?

Cheers Masked.


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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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InvisibleMasked
The Nutter
Male User Gallery

Registered: 11/26/12
Posts: 8,979
Loc: Canada Flag
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #22097847 - 08/16/15 07:51 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

Sorry when I'm on my phone at work I tend to shortcut my grammar too much.  And even completely screw it up when I get the shift worker brain going lol


So what I meant is I was too weak to tell her I had enough and make the healthy decision to move on.  I knew I would hurt her and felt paralyzed by this. 

"I was too weak to hurt her, and look out for me and my needs"



And on to your second query...


I debated using past tense in that sentence.  I guess I should of.  I feel changed

But I guess I've now worn a negative rut deep in my mind from the amount and length of suffering I experienced.  Essentially, it still feels habit to use present tense when I make comments like that.  If that makes sense.  And that's bad :frown:.  That shows you just how detrimental this shit can be to a person

But no, I'm different and changed. I feel I am finally moving on with my life.  I feel hopeful.  And grateful.  I'm stil just coming out of a coma so to say, so im still trying to get back up to steam.  I see some good chapters ahead of me for my life :smile:

I needed to know I gave it my all too.  So I understand

Everyone around me has seen it and I've convinced myself I gave it my all. 


Please keep me updated.  And yes definitely make sure the couples counselling is consistent. I wish u the best man


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Masked]
    #22098173 - 08/16/15 10:09 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I get it all man, even the being a shift worker part! Thanks so much for clarifying.

I will keep you updated. Just had an amazing talk with a good friend who understands this stuff very much (she's been through a similar condition to my wife and is very connected in herself) and I feel like everything is slowly but surely falling into place. I feel like I know what I have to do. There's no fixed outcome, but I'm becoming more prepared for what lays ahead day by day.


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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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InvisiblepachooDiscord
Witchakookoo
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 7,135
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #22098396 - 08/16/15 11:24 AM (8 years, 5 months ago)

I'm so sorry that happened to you Masked. And good luck Joke. This situation just makes my stomach churn so much. I just cried fo you guys like a weiner bc its just so much emotional pain. It's so self destructive and I've been through stuff like that but never that bad. I can't, but kinda can, imagine how more fucked up I would've gotten if I had a substance problem.


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:heartpump::heartpump: :heartpump::heartpump:


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InvisibleTheEaglesGift
The Nagual


Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 10,554
Loc: Ixtlan, Mexico
Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: pachoo]
    #22099918 - 08/16/15 06:38 PM (8 years, 5 months ago)

"accidental affair" is a term that stems from denial.

there are no accidents when it comes to fucking other humans, it's a conscious decision.


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