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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
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My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated
#22040915 - 08/04/15 06:54 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Heya fellow shroomerites,
I don't often hang in this subforum but I could really do with a few opinions from you guys on this situation. There's a little background to it so I hope you'll bear with me;
My wife of 4 years has been suffering chronic depression for most of her life due to a highly abusive childhood and like most people who suffer this illness, it waxes and wanes in severity. It's been particularly bad of late due to her being out of work for a year, feeling purposeless, and due to the recent death of her best friend. She has been suicidal at times (I had to talk her down from throwing herself off a multistorey car park 2 weeks ago), abusive at others (psychosis plays a part here I think), and whilst I have been there for her in every way possible, it's definitely taken a toll on me. I was already wondering how much more of this I can handle.
Then Sunday just gone she dropped the bombshell that she slept with a friend of hers with whom she was grieving over the death of her friend. That was a month ago. I have read into some of the underlying psychology of affairs and understand that this can happen (especially with drugs & alcohol thrown into the mix) when grieving is involved, and quite true to the textbook definition of an 'accidental' affair, it was with someone she doesn't even find attractive.
Not that any of this makes her actions forgivable. I always maintained that I would go through anything for her, barring an affair, and stated that I would end the relationship if that happened. Unfortunately however, there are additional complications.
Obviously the state of her mental health has a part to play here, although I think she's become quite comfortable in the depths of depression and is not really working to pull herself out of it. I don't have any experience with the illness but have close friends that do, who maintain that only the depressed individual can change anything.
There's also the added complication that we're on the cusp of buying a house together (my perfect house, at a bargain price no less), and if I decide I can't continue the relationship it means we lose the house (we're renting it right now) and have to be out by the end of the month, which is a massive stress that would be damaging to my own mental health right now.
~
My dilemma is establishing if I can stay with her after this. I love her dearly but my trust is shattered and I find the thought of making love to her repulsive, knowing that another man has done so. And sex is very important to me.
It seems I have two options; lay down some serious groundrules going forward, along with a deadline in which she needs to prove she's worth it, OR, move out, get a place myself, and simply start my life anew.
Should she get another chance though? I'm a strong individual so I know I can carry on without her, but I'm worried what it might do to her if I leave her now. She's very fragile. Or perhaps losing me would be enough for her to start making real changes in her life, which she might not have the impetus to do if I give her another chance?
What might you do if this happened to you? Anything at all, no matter how much you say, would be greatly appreciated.
Peace and love to you all.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Arctic W. Fox

Registered: 09/23/14
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Last seen: 5 years, 2 months
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 11
#22040947 - 08/04/15 07:19 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Before you get yourself any deeper into this, drop her like a flaming bag of dog shit.
There is no accidental affair.
Once a cheater - always a cheater. This isn't her first rodeo, just the first time she got caught.
You're dating a psycho... what the fuck is wrong with you, man? You're not her babysitter, mother, or psychologist. Do you like holding onto the anchor while it drops to the bottom of the ocean of mental instability?
Really? I mean, really!
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Anonymous #1
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Arctic W. Fox] 4
#22041005 - 08/04/15 07:53 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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If the depression is a trigger and she's always depressed, then the question is, can you handle it if it happens again?
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qman
Stranger

Registered: 12/06/06
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Anonymous #1] 4
#22041074 - 08/04/15 08:24 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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OP, you sound like a very intelligent man, do yourself a huge favor and start a new life, you deserve better.
Don't worry about the house, ground rules or deadlines, your relationship is over, in fact it ended a long time ago.
Edited by qman (08/04/15 08:24 AM)
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Malcolm_Xtasy
Oh baby what Is you doin??



Registered: 04/04/12
Posts: 13,851
Loc:
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: qman] 2
#22041170 - 08/04/15 09:04 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Arctic W. Fox said: Before you get yourself any deeper into this, drop her like a flaming bag of dog shit.
There is no accidental affair.
Once a cheater - always a cheater. This isn't her first rodeo, just the first time she got caught.
You're dating a psycho... what the fuck is wrong with you, man? You're not her babysitter, mother, or psychologist. Do you like holding onto the anchor while it drops to the bottom of the ocean of mental instability?
Really? I mean, really!
Quote:
qman said: OP, you sound like a very intelligent man, do yourself a huge favor and start a new life, you deserve better.
Don't worry about the house, ground rules or deadlines, your relationship is over, in fact it ended a long time ago.
You know what you need to do OP
-------------------- I'm stupid, Enlil is smart. I'm ugly, Enlil is beautiful. I'm a loser, Enlil is a winner. Someday, I hope to be like Enlil but secretly know I never will.
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Toe_Jam
Bluefoot Bandit



Registered: 04/15/10
Posts: 3,693
Loc: Around some corner...
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Malcolm_Xtasy] 5
#22041215 - 08/04/15 09:24 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Yeah, you can never get your peace of mind back after that. Time to move on.
-------------------- God lay his finger at the Mouth of the Serpent March 1984   A pleasing land of drowsy head it was, Of dreams that wave before the half-shut eye, And of gay castles in the clouds that pass, For ever flushing round a summer sky. -Castle of Indolence
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Toe_Jam]
#22041254 - 08/04/15 09:44 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I've actually just got off the phone with a mutual friend of ours (who has suffered much the same patterns of parental abuse and so exhibits the same patterns as my wife as an adult) who feels very strongly that the affair was a deliberate attempt at sabotaging our relationship so that my wife could 'set me free' to pursue a life where she wasn't such a burden to me. It resonates with me, as my wife has expressed often that she feels she is a burden.
Thank you so much for all your responses, I really appreciate them, and certainly my first instinct was to drop her.
However there are so many subtle nuances to consider. She's an amazing woman (hence why I'm with her) but she needs to take hold of her illness and fix things up. She's been too long in her depression and it's probably, as they say, 'warmer in the shit than out of it'.
My current thought is to state that I'm going to separate from her for 6 months, so she understands the consequences of her actions, in which time she can prove to me if she is worthy of me committing my life to her by getting the help she needs and 'taking the bull by the horns' in respect to fixing up her life. If, after 6 months, I don't feel that she has made the effort, then it's over. If she puts in the work, she would make an amazing partner, unlike so many women I have known over the years.
I think that feels like a balanced and objective path, as she is unwell and needs help, but she needs the impetus to seek it. I know it goes against the grain of what all have said here, but does it not sound reasonable?
I feel that after that, I could at least walk away with my head held high, knowing that I chose compassion and wisdom in considering a human in need rather than a responsive, knee-jerk reaction.
Please keep your thoughts coming, I really, really appreciate them.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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qman
Stranger

Registered: 12/06/06
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 3
#22041508 - 08/04/15 10:42 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said: I've actually just got off the phone with a mutual friend of ours (who has suffered much the same patterns of parental abuse and so exhibits the same patterns as my wife as an adult) who feels very strongly that the affair was a deliberate attempt at sabotaging our relationship so that my wife could 'set me free' to pursue a life where she wasn't such a burden to me. It resonates with me, as my wife has expressed often that she feels she is a burden.
Thank you so much for all your responses, I really appreciate them, and certainly my first instinct was to drop her.
However there are so many subtle nuances to consider. She's an amazing woman (hence why I'm with her) but she needs to take hold of her illness and fix things up. She's been too long in her depression and it's probably, as they say, 'warmer in the shit than out of it'.
My current thought is to state that I'm going to separate from her for 6 months, so she understands the consequences of her actions, in which time she can prove to me if she is worthy of me committing my life to her by getting the help she needs and 'taking the bull by the horns' in respect to fixing up her life. If, after 6 months, I don't feel that she has made the effort, then it's over. If she puts in the work, she would make an amazing partner, unlike so many women I have known over the years.
I think that feels like a balanced and objective path, as she is unwell and needs help, but she needs the impetus to seek it. I know it goes against the grain of what all have said here, but does it not sound reasonable?
I feel that after that, I could at least walk away with my head held high, knowing that I chose compassion and wisdom in considering a human in need rather than a responsive, knee-jerk reaction.
Please keep your thoughts coming, I really, really appreciate them.
Here's the deal, today women use "depression" as a very convenient excuse to behave like total bitches. Guess what? Many people have had very rough childhoods and they don't treat the humans around them like total shit.
If you wife wants to change into the perfect woman that you want just to make her life easier, she will in a matter of a few days, never mind 6 months. Women like her manipulate everyone around them with this "depression" condition, think about it, you can do whatever you want and fuck over everyone you want, and you have a perfect rationalization, "I'm sick". Her therapist might even tell her she's not responsible for her own behavior.
I wouldn't waste 6 months waiting for this woman to "get better", only to behave in the very same manner after you take her back. You sound like a very cool person, I have experienced and heard this same story from other men a million times before, the game your wife is playing isn't anything unique at all like it seems to be, it all ends up the same way.
This is no happy future will a person like this, be happy you don't have any children and cut your losses today, otherwise you will end up as a long term human doormat.
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Toe_Jam
Bluefoot Bandit



Registered: 04/15/10
Posts: 3,693
Loc: Around some corner...
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 2
#22041656 - 08/04/15 11:14 AM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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It sounds like you're bartering. You don't need to.
I understand you care deeply for her, but it sounds like she's bringing you down, even before this event. It's hard to turn your back on people you care about, but you can't give in. That validates her actions against you.
"It wasn't such a big deal that we broke up. I was grieving/sick."
And then she'll do it again.
That's my take anyway.
I'm kind of a hard ass when it comes to fidelity though.
I've given so many people 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th chances (not speaking about infidelity in particular here) and I was always taken advantage of. I had to cut those people out of my life. I miss them sometimes, but I never regret how I handled it. Forgiving so many people for so much ultimately led me to being quite jaded.
-------------------- God lay his finger at the Mouth of the Serpent March 1984   A pleasing land of drowsy head it was, Of dreams that wave before the half-shut eye, And of gay castles in the clouds that pass, For ever flushing round a summer sky. -Castle of Indolence
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin



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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Toe_Jam] 1
#22041898 - 08/04/15 12:13 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
Toe_Jam said: It sounds like you're bartering. You don't need to.
I understand you care deeply for her, but it sounds like she's bringing you down, even before this event. It's hard to turn your back on people you care about, but you can't give in. That validates her actions against you.
"It wasn't such a big deal that we broke up. I was grieving/sick."
And then she'll do it again.
That's my take anyway.
I'm kind of a hard ass when it comes to fidelity though.
I've given so many people 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th chances (not speaking about infidelity in particular here) and I was always taken advantage of. I had to cut those people out of my life. I miss them sometimes, but I never regret how I handled it. Forgiving so many people for so much ultimately led me to being quite jaded.
All these responses are good but this is spot on.
Especially validating her actions against you, by forgiving her you arent showing how much bigger of a person you are, only that a very reasonable hard line you set years ago is easily crossed with essentially zero consequences.
--------------------
A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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brokentv

Registered: 03/02/12
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Toe_Jam] 1
#22041994 - 08/04/15 12:33 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I agree with everyone that staying is very likely only going to lead to disaster and more pain on your part. Because no matter what the fact that she cheated will never go away and will constantly be nagging you, it would for me at least. I've witnessed first hand somebody waiting for the other person to get it together, only it was years and not months. In the end nothing changed and it only led to added resentment from the person that was waiting. Ultimately you will follow your heart though, and if that leads to staying with her I would enter a couples counseling right away. To me her commitment to that alone will give you an idea of how much she really wants to work on her self and your relationship.
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paperbackwriter
Edward Lear


Registered: 03/31/14
Posts: 1,888
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: brokentv]
#22042374 - 08/04/15 02:23 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Did she use a condom? If not did she have sex with you after the affair?
If she didn't expose you to an STD then I suggest marriage counseling for both of you and individual counseling for her. If she can't agree to that I'd say she's not willing to put the effort in to make things work.
If she did expose you to an STD I would end it for good.
-------------------- Why should we strive with cynic frown To knock their fairy castles down? ~ Eliza Cook It's rather embarrassing to have given one's entire life to pondering the human predicament and to find that in the end one has little more to say than, 'Try to be a little kinder.' ~Aldous Huxley
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mustangbob3
Mad Myrmecologist



Registered: 10/15/14
Posts: 1,685
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: paperbackwriter]
#22042412 - 08/04/15 02:33 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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i say split while you can.
if you really love her then tell her to change her ways and sort her self out and then you may consider going back.
in the time your apart if she ends up with another man you know where you stand and it was a good thing you split.
on the other hand if she stay faithful and sorts her problems out and proves to you....
then its up to you if you want it.
no one can really advise you because at the end of the day with love you will go ahead and do what you feel
thats the nature of the beast
and even if it is only setting yourself up for more shit i fear the love will prevail and you will go back submitt and mentally give her permission for you to be bitch boy and the cycle repeat again
either way good luck mate you will need it women are tricky business
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 3
#22042543 - 08/04/15 03:03 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I'd bail. Affairs aren't like succumbing to a drink, or a snort. She sounds like a loose cannon. Don't go down with the ship.
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Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
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OrgoneConclusion
Blue Fish Group



Registered: 04/01/07
Posts: 45,414
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Amanita86]
#22042688 - 08/04/15 03:35 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
Posts: 89,464
Loc: hades
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: OrgoneConclusion]
#22042718 - 08/04/15 03:41 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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--------------------
Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
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Love_spirit
Circle Of Power


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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22042776 - 08/04/15 03:54 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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zappaisgod
horrid asshole


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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#22042856 - 08/04/15 04:06 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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For me the cheating isn't that big a deal if you have that kind of relationship. They can work. Whatever the deal is. But she sounds like a fucking lunatic. Unless you are menatlly ill yourself why would you do anything but one time fuck a mentally ill person. Run the fuck away. There is nothing but future hell for you.
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Mr.GuessWork
Stranger

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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: zappaisgod]
#22043667 - 08/04/15 06:17 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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I don't know man... She sounds self-destructive, so the cheating probably wasn't an insult to you as much as it was meant to hurt herself, kinda like the attempt to jump off the parking garage. I'd just level with her about your feelings, and tell her what's up without caving and do it in very strait-forward and direct terms. Fuck all that bullshit about ground rules and learning lessons. This isn't about rules or commitment or being a whore, and it's not about you. She needs to find a way take the bull by the horns, as you say. That stuff about giving her six months to realize her mistakes is childish bullshit, and you should treat her like an adult if that's what you want her to be. It won't take six months for her to think about what she really wants. It shouldn't take more than a few days to resolve her feelings about that if your clear and direct. Anything longer than a few days is escapism, and you should make that clear to her too. Give her a clear choice and put the onus for making it on her. If she really wants to jump, then she should jump. If she really wants to live, then she should figure out how to do it well. Anything else is unnecessary suffering, and it's not worth your time or hers.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: My wife just had an 'accidental' affair.. any advice appreciated [Re: paperbackwriter] 2
#22043684 - 08/04/15 06:20 PM (8 years, 5 months ago) |
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Quote:
paperbackwriter said: Did she use a condom? If not did she have sex with you after the affair?
If she didn't expose you to an STD then I suggest marriage counseling for both of you and individual counseling for her. If she can't agree to that I'd say she's not willing to put the effort in to make things work.
If she did expose you to an STD I would end it for good.
I just called her to ask her about that. No, and yes, respectively.
I dumped her on the spot.
Thanks for everyones help
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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