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Anonymous #1

Another relationship thread.
    #8804061 - 08/21/08 04:41 AM (9 years, 5 months ago)

So here is the back story:

I have been seeing this girl for a while now.  We have had the talk about all of our past relationships and all that jazz.  I know about the ex's before me and all of her relationships in the past five years. 
The guy she was with before we got together she still talks to occasionally.  He is back with his ex and I guess they are planning on getting married.  Fast forward to current day.

He messages her online the other night to talk about idle bullshit which my girl was telling me about the other night in the car.  In all honesty I have no problem with her being friends with him I am generally not the jealous type.  She told me he had been forward with her and was telling me some things he said and that she'd show me sometime (She saves all her IMS).  Well tonight I went over to her house and we were sitting on the couch and she got up to her computer and was talking to her girl friend Lauren.  She had me come over and was playing some music for us and then I said "So what did this guy say to you?"  She brought up the message and we were just kinda laughing about it then it got to a part where he said he was just gonna come over one day and asked if she'd let him in.  Her reply was, "yeah you could come in to talk."  His reply was basically he wanted to come over and have sex with her.  She responded that there was no way that was going to happen, that she was with someone she cared about.

So she changed the subject back to the girl he supposedly loves.  They kept talking and he said something along the lines of "Wanna come ride it?"  and she replied no.  He said I miss it to her and her response was yeah I kinda miss it too.  While I am not the jealous type this plain pissed me off.    I confronted her about it and her reasoning was she was joking completely with him and that she was just being a smartass to cheer him up. In her conversation after that she changed subjects again and talked about his girlfriend some more. 

I was pretty upset to say the least and asked her why she would say something like that to him?  She got upset and told me it was just a joke and that she'd never cheat on me because she's been cheated on and knows how it feels.  In all honesty, this really didn't affect my mood regarding what had been said.  We went in the other room to talk and she told me that I didn't have to worry and she was upset and didn't want to lose my trust over a joke statement because she loves me.  She also said that there is no way she'd do that with him because I am much better in bed anyways and told me I am the only guy to ever give her multiple orgasms.

So my thoughts are thus:  On one hand she did show me the conversation and wasn't trying to hide it from me.  She knew I would read that part and offered to let me read all the conversations between him and her to sooth my feelings.  She said she even told him I was better than him and that we loved each other, which is true.  On the other hand, her willingness to show me the conversation leads me to believe she may be trying to lull a false sense of security.  I really do love this girl and don't wanna sound so petty over this, but it really is bugging the hell out of me and I don't know whether to believe or not.


Thoughts and suggestions?


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Invisibletwo_rivers
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Re: Another relationship thread. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8804091 - 08/21/08 04:56 AM (9 years, 5 months ago)

i'd give her the benefit of the doubt and try to let go of those negative thoughts because they could fester and create problems of their own.

love is worth the risk.


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OfflineFler
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Re: Another relationship thread. [Re: two_rivers]
    #8804224 - 08/21/08 07:36 AM (9 years, 5 months ago)

Yah i'd have to agree there. Ive had a slightly similar situation although I was more in her position. I would have been so grateful if the partner I had at the time was forgiving and understanding of my honesty and forwardness when I fucked up over something not really serious but still upsetting to her. Give her the chance to say all she has if there is anything to say (thats also a problem, is there really anything to say even when we're expecting them to say something?) and offer your understanding and forgiveness if its necessary.


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OM


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Anonymous #1

Re: Another relationship thread. [Re: Fler]
    #8804511 - 08/21/08 10:31 AM (9 years, 5 months ago)

I really don't care if she talks to this guy it is just things like that shouldn't be said whether she means it or not.  I have already told her I forgave her, I did last night.  It's just been sitting in the back of my mind and I needed to see what everyone else thought.


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InvisibleNewbie
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Re: Another relationship thread. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8804606 - 08/21/08 11:07 AM (9 years, 5 months ago)

I've never had a good experience with a girl that talks like that with the ex.  It starts with phonecalls, then him actually coming over at times like 4am, then one day you'll go to kiss her and she'll pull back and say, "Wait."

Careful.  :frown:


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Re: Another relationship thread. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8804715 - 08/21/08 11:34 AM (9 years, 5 months ago)

She sounds like a pretty good girlfriend if you ask me, she brought it up and offered to show it to you without you even hinting or being suspicious about the guy. She clearly wants to be open and honest about everything. Hell, she rejected the guy multiple times and told him she was with someone else she loved.

If you get all jealous and distrustful over this, that itself could damage what would otherwise be an open, honest and trusting relationship. Like Shakespeare said, our doubts are traitors. They are self manifesting.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Another relationship thread. [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #8804797 - 08/21/08 11:47 AM (9 years, 5 months ago)

So the general consensus is forgive and forget?  Should I just hope she will continue to be open and tell me if he makes any advances?  She said she would not ever say anything like that again and she hopes I don't lose trust in her over something she doesn't want and would never do. Part of me hopes she won't talk to this guy anymore but I don't wanna be that type of boyfriend at all and I really do love this girl.


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OfflineNiamhNyx
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Re: Another relationship thread. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8804857 - 08/21/08 11:56 AM (9 years, 5 months ago)

I'd say so. If this is the only thing that's ever come up that makes you worry, I'd say she definitely deserves the benefit of the doubt.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Another relationship thread. [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #8804861 - 08/21/08 11:57 AM (9 years, 5 months ago)

I guess we will just see what happens then. :shrug:


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Re: Another relationship thread. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8804993 - 08/21/08 12:25 PM (9 years, 5 months ago)

Sounds like she was just being honest.  What specifically bugged you about it?  That she said "yeah I kinda miss it too" ?  Even if she was only half-joking, is that really a big deal?  Do you have no fond memories of your exes?  Would it be proper to be upfront about that or to never mention that from your girlfriend?

Stuff with exes is tricky because we know we should be okay with the idea that our SO has probably been every bit as intimate with other people, but it is really difficult to actually come to terms with. 

If I were you I would stop inquiring about what is said between your girlfriend and this guy.  It's just asking for trouble.  Why would you want to know anyway, unless you are looking for something to alleviate your mistrust of your girlfriend.  You say it's okay with you if they are friends, but that doesn't seem to be true.  Really think about that: what do you have to gain from knowing what is said? 

Try this: trust her and be willing to accept whatever happens.  You can never eliminate the risk of being hurt, by demanding disclosure or anything else.  Insecure moves like that tend to drive people away.  Total security is not achievable, don't try to force it.  You can't control what other people do in relationships, you can only choose what people to trust.  There are no risk-free relationships.  She sounds like she's worth trusting to me, but you know better than I do.  If, despite your trust, she betrays you, then you never had the right person anyway, as painful as it might be.  If you don't trust her you are doomed anyway.


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Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

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Anonymous #1

Re: Another relationship thread. [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #8805029 - 08/21/08 12:32 PM (9 years, 5 months ago)

Well the short and simple truth is yeah I have fond memories of some of the people I've been with but I don't tell them I kinda miss having sex with them.  Also, just FYI, she was the one that brought it up I never asked her to see the conversation. :shrug:  I even went as far as telling her I didn't care what was said in it and she didn't have to let me read it if she didn't want to.  Then once I read it I just told her that kind of upset me seeing her say that.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I truly believe her when she says she wouldn't but I guess we all harbour our own small insecurities, eh.


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Re: Another relationship thread. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #8805355 - 08/21/08 01:49 PM (9 years, 5 months ago)

I would suggest that the next time she is chatting with whomever, don't read it!  You are torturing yourself.
If you trust her, that is all the assurance you need.  Trying to parse third-party discourse will only drive you mad.


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