This is going to be a lengthy read, and I apologize ahead of time, but I'll be sure to leave a TL;DR at the end. ^_^
All right... I'm going to start at the beginning. I had met this boy about 9 years ago on a pretty dumb chat site. I don't want to get into the details of how we started dating, because it's really offputting for a lot of people, but... we both had issues. We were around, what, 12 - 13 years old, and we had abusive childhoods. I mean we were still kind of children to begin with, so we were still going through some shit times, but didn't have the mental capacity to seek out any sort of help. We just went through with whatever cards we were dealt with. Our relationship wasn't perfect, but the love we felt for each other was pure. It was my fault that he left me, because I had pent up anger issues, and I took them out on him without even realizing it. I still beat myself up today over it. How he left, was he found someone else, purposely cheated, told me, and then disappeared for years. It killed me, but I moved on... sort of. What we had, was something that kept with me forever. He was the only guy I loved and didn't have infatuation over. I know I was young as shit, but I felt that we were something that was truly meant to be.
Years go by. I date other people, I go through life, learn new things, try new stuff... but, every now and then, I'd think of him. Not about our relationship, but just how he was doing, and where he was now. At one point back in 2013, I had messaged him on this one site that he rarely ever touched, in hopes that I would get in contact with him. Eventually he replied, and this was during a time that I was in an incredibly abusive relationship. We chatted, and eventually became friends - and some time went on, and then eventually he left again. Years pass, and in 2016, I finally left my abusive ex, and a couple months later I get in contact with him again. From there, we hit it off, and started to date.
I will do my best to keep a years worth of a roller coaster as short as possible. We loved and cared for each other. We were kindhearted and genuine, and clicked on so many things... but, because of our pasts, we still had issues that caused discord in our relationship. Both of our traumatic, abusive childhoods still fucked us over mentally, and we were both depressed people. But, eventually, he got out of his depression. When I met him, he had a shit job, and barely did anything in his life. At one point I went over to him in his state for a couple weeks, and then he came back to my state and visited. When he came down here, I had gotten LSD for us to share, and he got off anti-depressants so that he could get the full effect out of the tabs. This was my very first time doing psychedelics - and the trip went awesome! But, because he got off his meds... well, see, my mom is a piece of shit. His mom was a HORRIBLE, disgusting excuse of a guardian, that caused a lot of problems for him. And she was being rude to him, and I know for a fact that her awful behavior was triggering for him, and it fucked him over when he went back home. Getting back on his meds was hell, and that experience made it so bad that he had had almost considered suicide from it all. But see, from this, he made better out of his life. He got a new job that he loves, everyone is friends with him there, he started doing chores, and had a better view of life, and gained confidence and self-esteem. It was beautiful. I was so proud of him. He got therapy as well, and that helped him with a lot - and he took mushrooms as well, which gave him new looks on life. As for me... I continued to stay in this depressive state, and eventually, it became too much for him. One day he just decided to tell me these things that make me ponder everyday, and he ghosted me on all social media. I just have no way of contacting him anymore. He was my future. We were soulmates. But what soulmate ghosts their other half? A guy who still has psychological issues that he needs to address. I don't blame him, because how he left was that he got stressed and just decided to avoid the entire situation and abandon me - like how his dad had abandoned him.
I forgot to mention that he was doing his best to stay away from depressing things, and all I ever was was depressed, and made no effort to seek help for it. He held onto that for a year, and eventually it stressed him out to the point of leaving.
TL;DR - Dated a guy years back, who ended up being my soulmate. We broke up, had a hiatus of friendship, and eventually got back together. We both had shit childhoods, and that severely effected our relationship - but it didn't stop us from loving each other. I made no real effort to get over my abusive past though, while he progressed beautifully in life, and it stressed him out to the point of ghosting me, and ignoring me forever.
This entire situation is crippling me. I got therapy myself, and I've been going out more with my friend, almost every day actually... got the tattoos I wanted, just recently had a job interview for an awesome job, trying to push myself to do more art... but, I still think of him, and beat myself up over the fact that he will NEVER come back. I don't know how to cope with this. So I figured, hey, I'll get some mushrooms and train my brain into getting over all of this.
This is where you guys come into play. I am going to be taking 6g of mushrooms and I'm going to try to get over this. I know that mushrooms are it's own entity, that it will guide me through this and I'll figure it out organically... but I still would really love some tips or questions on what I can use to keep myself focused on getting over the break up. I loved him so, so very much. I want to wait for him so badly, but I have butchered everything. I know he probably hates me and will never, ever reach out to me again. I want to be able to tell myself that without hysterically sobbing every time I think of it. So, what can I ask myself? What should I think about, and what should I tell myself? Do you guys think there's a way that I can get my brain to make me smile again, whenever I think of the good times we had? I used to always smile whenever I thought of him, and I legit couldn't control it. I'd just think of him and I'd smile with genuine happiness. It felt so good. I've never felt that way or did that with anyone in my life. But yeah. Any tips or guides would mean so much to me. I want to go into this trip with confidence that I can get over this.
I also must say that I have never taken mushrooms before, and I know that 6g for a first time is passed the "hero's journey" dosage, but I really want this to work. I am not afraid of having a "bad" trip. I actually really love bad trips, from all my experiences with LSD. I invite the demons to surface so I can battle them. I'm not afraid of crying and hurting to get over this. I just want to get over this. I'm tired of crying over something I have no control over, that just won't ever concern me ever again. I want to find happiness and not feel anxiety or get panic attacks anymore. Again, any tips and guides will help, or even kind words, or whatever. Please and thank-you, and again... sorry for the lengthy read. I just want everyone to know enough about the situation to be able to give me specific advice/tips. ^_^
As a side note, I upset myself over the fact that I can't even tell him sorry, and that I know what my mistakes and issues were... that, I could legit have fixed everything fairly easily, but he got stressed and now feels spiteful towards me. So... eh...
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