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Should I message my ex?
    #24482014 -

I found a very old ex on FB recently, and was wondering if I should send her a message to see how things are going?

This relationship was nearly 20 years ago, was intense, and ended badly. We had a few bits of contact a few years after the end, but it never carried on - I guess due to emotions still being a bit raw. She was the first girl I loved - but am way over this now.

We've been no contact for approx 17 years.

I'm genuinely curious to hear how she's doing - but not sure I'd come across as a crazy person, initiating contact after so many years.

Thoughts?

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24482017 -

What do you have to lose?  17 years? Y'all are two different people already but share a common bond.

If it ended badly..and I'm assuming that you truly care that she is well...maybe she doesn't give a shit, but maybe she does.  Maybe she won't let you know that she appreciates your concern for her.

Shoot the message,  Nothing to lose.

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24483631 -

My girlfriend had an ex from several years ago that messaged her on Facebook - she promptly told him to fuck off.

However, he beat the shit out of her once and borrowed over $2,000 and never paid her back.

OP said it ended badly, just how much of it was on you? How badly did you treat her?  I think that is a critical piece you need to think about.

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #24484319 -

Man! It was nowhere near as bad as that #4!

We were both teens, it was the late 90s, we actually met on IRC - then met in person, and were together a year. It was long distance, so we spoke hours a night on the phone and I visited and stayed over every weekend.

The breakup was more shitty attitudes towards each other, then we went NC - she wanted to be friends (with benefits) but I couldn't cope with that. When we met she was at an all girls private school - I think she craved male attention as she'd not socialised with boys during her childhood / teens. When she left, she went a bit crazy.

She got in touch a few years later to say she was sorry, she realised she hurt me loads, and she'd just broken up with a BF. TBH, I wasn't too impressed, as I still hadn't got over it, and it seemed she was looking for comfort. We haven't spoken since.

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24485636 -

Sounds like a rebound is not out of the question if you would even want that

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #4] * 1
    #24488919 -

So, how does this sound/read? :

Quote:
<her name>,

You recently came to mind, and out of curiosity – and a bit of FB searching, I found your profile.
It’s been so long, I was in two minds whether to message, but I figured why not? It would be good to hear how you were doing.

So, how are you doing?

I understand if this goes unanswered, or gets lost in FBs weird "other" messages folder. If it is seen but unanswered, I wish you well and hope things are good for you and yours.

Best,

<my name>



I figure, leave it light, and totally in her hands to reply.

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #24489358 -

I like it - friendly, not over-reaching, and succinct. 

Keep us informed on how it goes.

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #24489668 -

I was messaging my ex a whole bunch and she is still ignoring me.

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24490260 -

My question would be why do you want to contact her? Seems like it may just open a door that was closed for a reason. Sometimes it's best to leave things in the past.

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #24490863 -

Anonymous #7 said:
My question would be why do you want to contact her? Seems like it may just open a door that was closed for a reason. Sometimes it's best to leave things in the past.


It's a valid question, and my answer is, I don't know.

I'm going to sit on it for a while - regardless of the way it goes, there will be more effort in contacting than not. So I'll go the way of least resistance for now.

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24490867 -

You'll never get a good view if you continue taking that turn.

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #7]
    #24490894 -

Anonymous #8 said:
You'll never get a good view if you continue taking that turn.


Man, don't tell me that. I can be stupidly impulsive - and there's a few things in my life right now that I should take a back seat with... but that kind of talk makes me want to jump straight in...

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #24490899 -

If you live on the edge every now and then your gonna fall off.

Life's short.
Its not about being irresponsible nor impulsive.
It is about taking calculated risks and learning.

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #24491592 -

Look, I'm all about jumping in head first for most situations but you said that your relationship ended very badly. There's a reason why it ended, there's a reason the feelings were so raw that contact couldn't happen for a long time afterwards. What will you benefit from speaking to this person again? Maybe they did change for the positive. Maybe they didn't. But there's a reason why you two aren't present in each other's life right now.


There's a poem this reminds me of:

Lets go over it all again
by James Fenton

Some people are like that
They split up and then they think;
Hey, maybe we haven't hurt each other to the uttermost.
Let's meet up and have a drink

Lets go over it all again
Lets rake over the dirt.
Let me pick that scab of yours
Does it hurt?

Lets go over what went wrong -
How and why and when.
Lets go over what went wrong
Again and again.

We hurt each other badly once.
We said a lot of nasty stuff
But lately I've been thinking how
I didn't hurt you enough.

Maybe there's more where that came from,
Something more malign.
Let me damage you again
For the sake of auld lang syne.

Yes, let me see you bleed again
For the sake of auld lang syne.


------

I don't want to be the one to discourage you if you think something genuinely positive could come out of this. I know that one of my exboyfriends is a best friend of mine. But I also know that I have two other exes in which the relationship ended so badly, it'd do nothing but bring up a brief surface conversation at best and perhaps leave me or them with questions of the past.


You've gotta answer this one yourself, look within yourself and try to figure out why you have this urge to speak with your ex. Is it healthy or is it reverting back to an unhealthy pull you have towards this person that ended in pain last time? A rebound isn't always as simple as a rebound when there were heavy feelings involved. Apart of me wonders if you feel like she is someone who "got away" based on what you're saying which isn't necessarily the healthiest mindset to go into this situation.

Like someone else said, if it's just a genuine "hey, how's life!" then awesome but it sounds like it's much deeper for you, consciously or unconsciously.

Edited by Anonymous (07/18/17 12:32 PM)

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #24491843 -

Thanks for taking the time to post such a thoughtful reply.

A few things did it for the relationship, immaturity, intensity, and distance. We got on really well as friends, and not wanting to go too deeply into it all, at that point in time, my home life (and life in general) was pretty bad.

I was my alcoholics fathers punch bag, and had been for much of my life. I'd recently dropped out of college and was bumming around - and a few years previously, I'd really screwed myself up with a terrible acid trip. I think all the negativity in my life bubbled up, and I had horrendous 24/7 HPPD and DP/DR which lasted for years.

The reason I mention all this, is that this girl was the first good thing to happen for a long time. I never really went into my history with her, she didn't know about my family situation or the HPPD, but I just enjoyed her and the situation for what good it brought.

As time went on, and the distance was too much, she wanted to end it but stay friends - still talking as much as we used to. I found this hard tbh, and went through periods of no contact with her.

We argued occasionally, and I perhaps said some shitty things - and then we just lost contact (more through my inability to let what we had go.)

That brings us to where I am now. I'm a very different person, I went back to college, then got a degree. I've worked my way up the career ladder, and am now on a salary I never conceived of ever earning. I also run a business which is starting to do very well.

I've also got over much of my past, and am actually on very good terms with my Dad, who no longer drinks.

None of this explains why I want to contact her. The only reason I can think of, is that we shared a special thing, even if it was for a short space of time.

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #24491924 -

I can definitely relate to DP/DR and how it can negatively impact all aspects of life/those we're involved with.



Reading what you just wrote, it doesn't sound like it would be unhealthy to reach out to her as long as you know that you're emotionally stable enough to handle whatever the reaction is, both positively or negatively. You aren't responsible to know if she is either. One would hope that she can recognize if she can or can't and act accordingly from that. If you can emotionally handle whatever the outcome is, it might be better to reach out to eliminate the feeling of "what if". Life is better without regrets or wishful thinking, in my opinion. That being said, I don't think it's a good idea going into the situation with idealistic thinking of what could be. Just be careful and don't forget the past. Don't dwell in it or harbor resentments from it but don't edit it to suit an idealistic thought of what could be. Just be careful :heart:.


I'm happy to hear that life has gotten better. It's a beautiful thing when one can look back and see how things have changed for the best.

By the way, I know this is anonymous for a reason but this is keyohnah if you feel like you want to or need to reach out to speak about this further through PMs, before/during/after contact if you decide to do so, or whatever else. I hope things go well with whichever path you chose.

Edited by Anonymous (07/18/17 03:09 PM)

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24711485 -

Well, I went ahead and did this, and...


... no response :laugh:


I'm happy to leave it as that, and tbh, I actually feel much better having made the attempt.

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24711953 -

You feel better? Why? I would feel angry and bitter at her if she gave me no response.

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #24712099 -

I guess, because I've done what I can?

The thought of contacting her has been on my mind for years, and whilst not stressful, it's still been an unresolved "thing." I've made a move, and now the ball is out of my court.

I had no illusions of getting back together or anything like that, so perhaps that's why I don't feel any negativity about it. I can let it go and move on.

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Re: Should I message my ex? [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #24714545 -

Anonymous #5 said:
You feel better? Why? I would feel angry and bitter at her if she gave me no response.


that's because you are a brittle, timid anon

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