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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Registered: 06/28/16
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lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook
    #23770617 - 10/25/16 04:31 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Lost my job today. I hated every minute of it but I've never had a good job or have been happy. I was fired for being rude towards people. I feel totally consumed but that isn't any different. I'm flash in back to when I was younger and it was okay to be a space case and I could just float anywhere and it didn't matter where I worked or go shitty my friends were... literally lie to myself about the severity of any present condition to escape it. Now escape seems like such a bad idea. I've escaped most of my life... Tripping Tripping shows me that. Now I'm certain I will never achieve anything and forty will come then fifty and sixty and I'll be rendered infirm and die alone. My press has prevented so much. I have called it quits on tripping now because it was causing me to relive sexual abuse and doing it alone has only made it worse. Life seems very bleak and my only defend defend to stay in my head and tripping has also showed me where that has gotten me. Time does not negotiate with my choices and I I like i can only make bad ones while I fantasize about some miraculous cinematic recovery of my body and senses. I see my future as so bleak. I literally relived my abuse and dealt with it as always. Avoiding it's feelings bybstauing in my head. I feel like my life has been pointless outside of avoiding my reality, which I've done a good job at. I had fantasies of tripping with therapists, going in and duking it out with my wounds. But now I just feel washed up and self deluded and stupid. Life is too real for me to understand through my shock and I've thought about killing myself so much lately. I feel like a burden on myself and the world and just can't bare the thought of how much i believe I can't take care of myself at all. I'm pretty pathetic because all I I of is no pathetic I am and can't make choices for myself and will ultimately die in agony!


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Invisiblecez
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Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23770675 - 10/25/16 04:49 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

I really sympathize with you.  :heart:


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
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Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: cez]
    #23771777 - 10/25/16 10:48 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Me too.

OP, how old are you? What kind of psychiatric help have you sought thus far? Do you have a guaranteed roof over your head?


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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OfflineThey
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Registered: 10/23/16
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Last seen: 7 years, 2 months
Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: Jokeshopbeard] * 1
    #23772116 - 10/26/16 01:38 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

I have called it quits on tripping now because it was causing me to relive sexual abuse and doing it alone has only made it worse.



I can totally relate to this, for me the mushroom itself told me, after some number of trips, that hey dude, stop coming alone, either come with girls or group of friends, so we can show you more about healthy interactions, playing, having fun together :smile:

Seems to me you got the same message, and I can tell you it does work.

Will offer some more personalized advice over :pm: (thanks for writing :smile: ) and generally just know that you are on a good path. If you've seen that running and avoiding doesn't work, you are ALREADY moving in a good way towards clearing and cleansing, letting all baggage go. Stay the course and you'll see the universe always sends more support (people, ideas, situations) to keep you going towards the light :smile:

Also know that ALL the shit you've been through, of any kind, that's just lessons that you put yourself through, to learn how to overcome and to then be able to help others with theirs. We all do this in some way, if we didn't have our own shit we wouldn't have the growth experience.


Muddy waters make pretty flowers :wink:

Cheers and good vibes hey :heart:


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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: They]
    #23772226 - 10/26/16 03:17 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Im thirty two. Self-hating negative depressed body dysmorphic out of touch thirty two!

Yeah they said stop coming alone and not to bring party people. They said bring a professional because you're getting raped and hot and it's pretty serious. I already wrote up a trip report a trip ago, but basically I found out I still have the capacity to release but I think I need some people presence or outside support. Definitely not a cheerleading squad but someone that truly understands the need for deep wailing and crying... what grief and pain and anger really looks like.

I've had shitty jobs my whole life. It's sad. I've spent decades depressed and suicidal because I couldn't get in touch. Drugs like weed and showrooms and other psychedelics have the capacity to bring it to the surface, but then I need it to be facilitated. Reliving trauma under the influence of psychedelics isn't really a joke.


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InvisibleMush 4 Brains
about tree fiddy
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Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23772261 - 10/26/16 03:51 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

This talk about never being successful or accomplishing anything is familiar to me.

I always feel like once i have this or accomplish that, that I'll be happy. And its not the case. Happiness comes from within, from our outlook.

There are these things that we think we need/need to do in life to be happy and a success.

I understand the negative bleak outlook and i like you op have demons in my past that haunt me.

The constraints and jail you put yourself in in your mind are whats holding you back from happiness and success. And once you come to that realization and understand you control your own happiness to a great extent the better off you'll be.


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OfflineThey
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Registered: 10/23/16
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Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: Mush 4 Brains]
    #23772286 - 10/26/16 04:06 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Reliving trauma under the influence of psychedelics isn't really a joke.




Preaching through the choir, mate :smile:

Anyone who's ever done any tripping sooner or later found themselves staring into that abyss, and whoo brother, the scary monsters that lurk there :lol:

Quote:

but then I need it to be facilitated.



So hire or befriend a nice facilitator and get to it :wink:


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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: They]
    #23772650 - 10/26/16 08:48 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

And to keep answering questions... I have a roof over my head currently. My lease is up in December though  bringing in New worries and of course there are bills. I also filed for unemployment yesterday, food stamps today. But yes, there is a roof. And I've seen too many counselors. They get me to believe in their modality and then we embark on some shitty ride for a bit and I just never seem to get anything out of it at all. Hence, I'm still depressed or whatever. Getting to the root seems to be the solution. And that solution is both painful and not a lot of therapists tolerate psychedelics, although I think they have value.


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
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Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23774705 - 10/26/16 08:42 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

You know my first experience with having old traumas brought up was actually on a meditation retreat, rather than in my bad trips. So I'm not sure I agree that 'scary monsters' lurk there for us all.

Going back to your situation OP, it sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I were in your shoes, I'd do this:

1. Stay clear of all drugs for 6 months minimum
2. Find more work
3. Exercise like a motherfucker
4. Eat clean as fuck
5. Read and meditate like a motherfucker

I wouldn't place a grain of trust in the institutions to help figure this out, I don't trust their agenda. Luckily I can afford a private therapist, so my drug use is fully out in the open with her. I hope you can adjust your lifestyle and funds to help you find a good place.

Good luck with it man, I wish you all the best. Love is the key.

P.s - Apologies if this sounds obvious, but the root of all this lies in your childhood somewhere. If you choose to start investigating yourself, look there first.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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Invisiblecez
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Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23774887 - 10/26/16 09:42 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

You're 32.  To think you can't be reinvented is hubris.  I think you're taking yourself too seriously.

www.beherenownetwork.com

^^If you're into podcasts, or you enjoy surfing the internet, I think this website is packed with some great stuff and can really help you if you explore it a bit.


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: cez]
    #23774907 - 10/26/16 09:51 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

I don't think he's taking himself too seriously Cez. I'm the same age and my life has been turned upside down and I've struggled so bad over the past year not to let everything get out of control. I've lost everything (other than friends and family) - sometimes, when crisis comes out way for whatever reason, we need to step up and be brave, be strong, and do hard work.

Actually, I wonder if I'm confused by the semantics of your words in my reply. If OP thinks it is hopeless, then I agree, he's taking it too seriously. As long as you're prepared to work hard and be brave, nothing is ever hopeless.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #23775850 - 10/27/16 08:03 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

The strange thing is that my crisis happened when I was two. Thww other crisis is ignoring for three decades how it's been affecting me on mental spiritual and especially physical levels. I've seen several therapists. I'm always honest about my drug use or have been with the recent ones. The hopeless feelings happen because or waking up to flashbacks every night. I've worked hard in the past. I've worked out done yoga got my degree, then took my first round with psychedelics and realized I've been playing games in avoidance for a long time. Everyday ok relive unhelpful decisions I've made and ultimately feel trapped. I'm looking for another counselor desire a lot of bad experiences. Friends... they just laugh at how ridiculous my depression is. It really is up to me.


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Invisiblecez
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Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: Jokeshopbeard] * 1
    #23776288 - 10/27/16 10:52 AM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Jokeshopbeard said:
I don't think he's taking himself too seriously Cez. I'm the same age and my life has been turned upside down and I've struggled so bad over the past year not to let everything get out of control. I've lost everything (other than friends and family) - sometimes, when crisis comes out way for whatever reason, we need to step up and be brave, be strong, and do hard work.

Actually, I wonder if I'm confused by the semantics of your words in my reply. If OP thinks it is hopeless, then I agree, he's taking it too seriously. As long as you're prepared to work hard and be brave, nothing is ever hopeless.




I agree, when crisis occurs we do need to step up and be strong, but that doesn't mean we have to take on this identity of, "there's a crisis in my life that needs to get resolved and I need to be strong and brave now." 

You take out the trash because the garbage is overflowing.  That's what needs to be done at the time but you don't make a fuss that the garbage needs to be taken out, you just take it out.  In the same sense, when life appears to be falling apart, you pick up the pieces that you can and handle it one day at a time.  What else can you do? 

Giving your life-situation this big sense of importance and thinking you should be somewhere other than where you are is a fool-proof way to make things heavy and unenjoyable. 

Op is definitely taking himself too seriously to continue seeing therapists and taking mushrooms and falling into psychedelic traps of reliving past traumas without receiving a sense of healing from them.  He seems to be really attached to who he thinks he is but at the end of the day he is gonna have to let go of this identity of self.  He is robbing who he is now by holding onto who he was then.  Why not let go of this identity right now?  See who else you can be op. 

I think going to another therapist will only increase the sense of self op is trying to come to terms with.  What is a therapist going to tell you that you already don't know op?  I can tell you are an intelligent person and I really do sympathize with you because I imagine you have been dealt a cruddy hand in life.  At least that's one way to look at it, but have you ever stopped to think about all you have? 

Talk with a paraplegic about your woes and see if you don't find a sense of gratitude in being able to use your entire body.  Talk with a homeless person and see if you don't find the roof over your head extremely comforting.  Everybody has "stuff."

I think we expect life to be a certain way and when it's not we freak out and think our life is wrong and it's all hopeless.  Everything is perfect.  You are given as much as you can handle.  This mess of a life you think you have is the exact amount of stuff your incarnation needs to grow.  Don't throw it away with suicide and don't rob your present experience by reliving old experiences in your head.   

I suggested www.beherenownetwork.com specifically because of a teacher named Ram Dass.  He was a psychology professor at Harvard, used tons of psychedelics and then went to the East and learned from very high beings and now teaches all that he's learned.  I think for people like us he is a diamond of a resource.  His teachings are far from dry and I think can really help in coming to terms with your situation op. 

I hope you relax a bit.  Life isn't meant to be like the cinemas.  It's far more interesting.  When you drop the models of how you think life should be you'll start to see how life is and the stuff in your life is just that, stuff.  You are not any of the stuff you are identifying with.


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OfflineThey
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Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: cez]
    #23776710 - 10/27/16 01:08 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

I'm looking for another counselor



You're looking for another counselor that can do better work than all the previous ones have done before, BUT you want them to work with you for free, because "putting a price on help sounds so conditional" (quoting from PM).

I'm going to say you're not looking for another counselor or therapist or healer, with expectations like that you're looking for a unicorn :lol:


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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: They]
    #23777251 - 10/27/16 03:49 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Where do you work if I may ask?


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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23777285 - 10/27/16 04:00 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

And other poster, I've built a ten year identity on let's get to the root of my abuse and I've let myself become consumed by it. I blame practitioners but also myself or the fact that I dont know how to get to the "me" in me because it's covered up with defenses voices walls and mazes made to confuse me. Ultimately all this time has set me up for more grief. And yeah I do have trouble paying counselors especially the ones that know oh so much about trauma and get upset when I do something other than agree with what they have to say. I want to believe it's possible to heal but lately I've really been wondering if I've just needed that sort of lie to lead me through some More time in my life. Dissociation and ptsd is difficult to explain. Since my last trip life's been pretty much the same actions but my intolerance for my hair has become a lot greater.


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
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Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: cez]
    #23777458 - 10/27/16 04:56 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

cez said:
He seems to be really attached to who he thinks he is but at the end of the day he is gonna have to let go of this identity of self.  He is robbing who he is now by holding onto who he was then.  Why not let go of this identity right now?  See who else you can be op. 

I think going to another therapist will only increase the sense of self op is trying to come to terms with.  What is a therapist going to tell you that you already don't know op?  I can tell you are an intelligent person and I really do sympathize with you because I imagine you have been dealt a cruddy hand in life.  At least that's one way to look at it, but have you ever stopped to think about all you have? 

Talk with a paraplegic about your woes and see if you don't find a sense of gratitude in being able to use your entire body.  Talk with a homeless person and see if you don't find the roof over your head extremely comforting.  Everybody has "stuff."

I think we expect life to be a certain way and when it's not we freak out and think our life is wrong and it's all hopeless.  Everything is perfect.  You are given as much as you can handle.  This mess of a life you think you have is the exact amount of stuff your incarnation needs to grow.  Don't throw it away with suicide and don't rob your present experience by reliving old experiences in your head.



Great post cez, I agree wholeheartedly. Especially with the paragraphs I quoted above. Allowing for dissolution of self to occur, rather than fighting to cling on to ones perceived sense of self is at the same time the hardest and most rewarding thing one can do, IMO.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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Invisiblecez
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Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: thesupersoap33] * 2
    #23777479 - 10/27/16 05:03 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

I think you're filled with self-righteousness.  I bet you think the suffering you've been given to work with is real bad, worse than most, reason why you feel entitled to hold onto your grief by looking for the root of it instead of just moving on.

I don't think you want to heal.  If you did you would do more than seek counseling and get high. 

Why not just drop this whole charade?  Give it up.  Quit being this character you keep choosing to be and cultivate a new you.


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Offlinethesupersoap33
curious george
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Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: cez]
    #23777504 - 10/27/16 05:11 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

And other poster, I've built a ten year identity on let's get to the root of my abuse and I've let myself become consumed by it. I blame practitioners but also myself or the fact that I dont know how to get to the "me" in me because it's covered up with defenses voices walls and mazes made to confuse me. Ultimately all this time has set me up for more grief. And yeah I do have trouble paying counselors especially the ones that know oh so much about trauma and get upset when I do something other than agree with what they have to say. I want to believe it's possible to heal but lately I've really been wondering if I've just needed that sort of lie to lead me through some More time in my life. Dissociation and ptsd is difficult to explain. Since my last trip life's been pretty much the same actions but my intolerance for my hair has become a lot greater.


Having said that, I believe you've got a great point. I need to drop this idea of who I am because I do cling to it so hard.


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Registered: 11/30/11
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Re: lost job... ptsd bad.... negative outlook [Re: thesupersoap33]
    #23777565 - 10/27/16 05:31 PM (7 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

thesupersoap33 said:
And other poster, I've built a ten year identity on let's get to the root of my abuse and I've let myself become consumed by it.



I spent about 12 years of my life building a false identity too, and clung to it for dear life when I started to see it for the fact that it was just that - false. Breaking out of that, and instead providing the space to find out who I really am was terrifying at first. It gets easier when you start letting go though.


Quote:

thesupersoap33 said:
Having said that, I believe you've got a great point. I need to drop this idea of who I am because I do cling to it so hard.



Here here!


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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