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InvisibletrendalM
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Change; or, Lost and Alone?
    #2107011 - 11/14/03 06:21 PM (13 years, 25 days ago)

This may just be ranting. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, if anything, but as always I appreciate all of your input :smile:

I wake up every morning, and one of the first things through my mind is "Will it be today?".

For as long as I can remember now, I have been sure that something big is, lets say, on the horizon.

At first it was only a generalized feeling of anticipation mixed with anxiety. I knew something was going to happen...but nothing about what was to happen. As time goes by, the picture comes more and more into focus. Bits and peices here and there, I find keys to the locks in the doors around me.

Now, I feel that whatever is going to happen will be big. Much bigger than anything I know I can imagine right now, which is quite a bit. Society will change, I feel, maybe even "overnight" (or some extremely-short timespan).

Anxiety.

It used to rule my thoughts. I felt I had some need to either a) find out EXACTLY what is going to happen or b) do something about it.

Luckily, I have moved on from such thoughts. At this point, there is absolutely nothing I can do about what will happen. Nor, I think, can I "warn" anyone about it (or at least VERY few people). The problem there is the evidence that I use in my head is still FAR too complex for me to place into English. As the peices come together, the complexity collapses. I'm sure at some point I will be able to accurately express what it is I expect and feel.

Now anticipation rules all.

"Will this be the day?"

Maybe...but maybe just another day. Another day of waiting. Another day spent in contemplation. Another day spent trying, deperately, to put all the peices together.

All of this has had one major effect in my life: I detatch and seclude myself from the world.

The world.

The very thing I try to understand, day in and day out.

Sometimes I ask myself why. Why me? I know I'm not the only one (I can feel, in a way, the rest of you out there) but I know I am the only one in my life. Isolated and detatched.

Why? Why should I get a job? Why should I try to "make something of myself in this world"? Make something of myself? Does that mean I am nothing right now? I don't exist yet, because I don't have a job? I'm not a "member of society"?

Bullshit.

I am something right now. This I know for a fact.

If you can't tell, I see Life as a journey. I have been accused of many things on my journey. Accused of arrogance hits me the hardest, but accused of insanity worries me the most.

Ah, and now to the darkest reaches of my thoughts.

Am I nuts? If so, where did I put all my marbles?

This scares me. I don't think I'm insane...but do insane people ever think they are insane? I could already be in the hospital, for all I know...

That path I stay away from. Thoughts leading nowhere but total detatchment.

And so another day passes. I still don't have a job. I still don't have any ambition or hope for this world. I still just don't want to be a part of it.

That means another day of feeling lost. Either lost to the world...or lost in the world, I don't care. Lost, and also alone.

I know there's others out there.

I know. 


--------------------
You're here because you know something.
What you know you can't explain,
But you feel it;
You've felt it your entire life.
That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there....
Like a splinter in your mind...
Driving you mad.


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OfflineStrongBad
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Re: Change; or, Lost and Alone? [Re: trendal]
    #2107069 - 11/14/03 06:38 PM (13 years, 25 days ago)

Every day is a lottery. Every day. You don't know it, but you wait for it...every day. Will you win? Only time will tell. But by then you might be dead.

And so is life.


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Offlinesykobish
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Re: Change; or, Lost and Alone? [Re: trendal]
    #2107096 - 11/14/03 06:43 PM (13 years, 25 days ago)

Maybe you have come to the revelation that you need to change the routine you are in. Maybe that feeling of something big happening, is the feeling / knowledge that something is approaching that will change your life, your routine. I dont know what is going on in your head so i can't give you the answers. From what you talk about, it sounds a little like you are restless, but are stuck in the routine you are used to so you aren't doing anything about it. I dont know hun, but my thoughts go out to you.


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space


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InvisibletrendalM
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Re: Change; or, Lost and Alone? [Re: sykobish]
    #2107111 - 11/14/03 06:46 PM (13 years, 25 days ago)

Thanks :smile:


--------------------
You're here because you know something.
What you know you can't explain,
But you feel it;
You've felt it your entire life.
That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there....
Like a splinter in your mind...
Driving you mad.


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InvisibletrendalM
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Re: Change; or, Lost and Alone? [Re: trendal]
    #2107124 - 11/14/03 06:50 PM (13 years, 25 days ago)

However, I don't think this has anything to do with me specifically. I wish I could explain all the pieces.

I have felt this way for nearly my whole life, or at least the last 15. I have few memories saved from my early childhood so I don't know about then.

The feeling has stuck with me through everything that has happened in my life, but always remains a feeling of some external event approaching.

I wich I had more to go on at this point than intuition (however strong it is...) and circumstantial evidence.

As for changing my routine...I have tried. Many times. I actually don't have a routine. I do what I feel I need to, when I need to.

Oh, and "restless" doesn't begin to describe my state :smile:


--------------------
You're here because you know something.
What you know you can't explain,
But you feel it;
You've felt it your entire life.
That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there....
Like a splinter in your mind...
Driving you mad.


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InvisibleShroomismM
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Re: Change; or, Lost and Alone? [Re: trendal]
    #2107158 - 11/14/03 07:06 PM (13 years, 25 days ago)

Stop waiting.

Live for the moment. Create your reality today.

Sure, something huge can and probably will happen in the near future, that may dramatically alter the very nature of reality and the way things are done on this planet. Deal with that when it comes.

For now, the best thing you can do is use every second to create the reality you desire. RIGHT NOW is the only time you have, so stop worrying about tommorow, and focus on today. If you think you have to somehow prepare for this future event, then do that right now. But don't dwell on things if you can't change them.

Change the world? Change yourself first. Fuck current society, that's my philosophy. I live how I think I should, and fuck what the media or nagging voices of ignorance whisper behind your back or into your ear. If you want a revolution, start from within, and others will follow.

I always hear about how you 'have' to do this and this to live in this society, because "It may suck and be stupid and pointless but that's just the way it is. That's total bullshit and a complete copout. Yeah, you need money to survive in modern society, but that doesn't mean you have to be a mindless drone, nor does it mean you can't think for yourself. If everyone started growing their own food that would be an excellent start.

Personally I think things are changing, and at a very rapid pace. The US government is swimming in it's own bullshit, and coming up with more extravagent lies to cover lies, it's only a matter of time before they publically drown in their own crap and are exposed. I can see the inevitable quite clearly, but I don't dwell on it. I just do what I need to do, for myself, RIGHT NOW.

Surely you have some ambition or hope..however hidden or repressed. What is it? What do you want to happen, ideally, that would make things 'better'?

You aren't nuts. If you are then I'm fuckin psychotic and so is everyone else. That's more bullshit attached to our collective consciousness that has been pounded in by today's society. Everyone's got a mental issue and needs to be pumped full of pharmaceuticals right? Nope. The Pharm companies are going down if I have anything to say about it. That's what I live for.. I find what pisses me off the most about the way things are, and I do what I can to change them. I do what I can right now.

Cause right now is the only time you have.
Use the past as a reminder, use the future to create what you desire.
Use the present for everything.


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InvisibletrendalM
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Re: Change; or, Lost and Alone? [Re: Shroomism]
    #2107183 - 11/14/03 07:15 PM (13 years, 25 days ago)

Thanks man :smile:

It's only the low points of my low days where I see no hope or ambition, really. That may have been an overstatement :smirk:

I'm not sure what else I can do to prepare for what will happen, so for now I am intent on staying prepared.

What do you want to happen, ideally, that would make things 'better'?
Hate. I want to see Hate gone.


--------------------
You're here because you know something.
What you know you can't explain,
But you feel it;
You've felt it your entire life.
That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there....
Like a splinter in your mind...
Driving you mad.


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InvisibleShroomismM
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Re: Change; or, Lost and Alone? [Re: trendal]
    #2107346 - 11/14/03 08:09 PM (13 years, 25 days ago)

Then spread the love my friend, spread the love  :smile:


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OfflineGrav
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Re: Change; or, Lost and Alone? [Re: Shroomism]
    #2108638 - 11/15/03 09:01 AM (13 years, 24 days ago)

Trendal, this is just a guess, but:

you say you dont think this feeling has anything to do with you specifically... i think it has EVERYTHING to do with you specifically.
you say you feel lost to the world.  i think you feel lost to yourself.
i think you know what you want and it's tearing you up inside because you're not doing anything about it.  or ignoring it, waiting for some external event to make it all better.

you feel like your defending some sacred thing... this "puzzle" your talking about.

your also afraid of being insane.  this might be some sort of inner dialogue you should be taking seriously.  i dont think it has anything to do with insanity (whatever it is), but maybe inside you just feel like your really doing something the wrong way.

from my experience, i have really fell into a hole, thinking i have to be there because i am on some Divine Path... well, if that was so, then why did I always keep coming back to this feeling that something was VERY WRONG.  like i was missing something extremely essential to my happiness in life.

what was wrong was me surpressing my instincts that i had lost somewhere along the way and written off as evil attributes to the ego, or something of the like.  and my Denial that I needed them back.  it constantly haunted me until a series of moments of 'giving in' guided me back into myself.

hrmm.. well that's alot about me, but i just had a hunch that you are going through some version of the same thing.

what im really saying is, you may be subconsciously using this idea of a big-world event to cover up something infinitely more important to your life.

maybe inside you really DO want a job.  and i dont think it has anything to do with fitting in with society.  i DO think it has everything to do with answering to yourself.  and it's obviously a question that your asking yourself.  and apparently telling yourself that the situation (getting a job) 'doesn't matter',  isn't a good enough answer for you, else you would not keep coming back to the same question. 

do you have memories of running away from situations? (by writing them off as bullshit)

i might be WAY off here :smile: , but thats just my .02 


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Invisiblekaiowas
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Re: Change; or, Lost and Alone? [Re: trendal]
    #2110641 - 11/16/03 03:08 AM (13 years, 23 days ago)

mhmmm...yes, and it does feel crazy.  but that craziness I think is just that duct tape that our society tries to put around us to hold us in.  I think your thoughts are right on the money, but hey don't take it from me :grin: when someone says you're crazy IMHO is another way of saying "I don't understand you."  and that's ok.

like shroomism said, change yourself within first, and then others will follow. 

you know this.  the coincidenses.  things that happen our of the blue, but after you deal with it, it make sense at that time, it was the perfect moment for you to deal with the situation.

I feel you on the job thing.  I've had people always tell me that I'll be a nobody if I don't get a college degree.  but I'll only get a degree if I think that it will help me only.  not in gathering wealth either, because we are alive, together, and that's as wealthy as it gets. 

for me the best way of dealing with those ignorant voices that shroomism spoke of, is to accept.  they are there to test, and they probably will always be there to test.  it's whether or not we dwell on them, ya know!  that anxiety you spoke of. a lot of the times I can feel it drain my energy away, and to me it's a sickness.

I feel the impendingness too.  I can't say what it is, but it FEELS big.  used to not sleep a lot, now I sleep all the time and I still feel groggy.  everything feels like it's accelerating, at least for me it is.  I feel like I'm moving much faster than I can see.  do you feel this too?

yeah our society blows, especially with money.  to me it's one of the single most largest causes of stress. 

job?? I think you're doing your job right now.  because you help me realize different things that I wouldn't have realized before.  IMHO that's the most important job out there right now.  andy ou do it for free.

props to you!

 


--------------------
Annnnnnd I had a light saber and my friend was there and I said "you look like an indian" and he said "you look like satan" and he found a stick and a rock and he named the rock ooga booga and he named the stick Stick and we both thought that was pretty funny. We got eaten alive by mosquitos but didn't notice til the next day. I stepped on some glass while wading in the swamp and cut my foot open, didn't bother me til the next day either....yeah it was a good time, ended the night by buying some liquor for minors and drinking nips and going to he diner and eating chicken fingers, and then I went home and went to bed.---senior doobie


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InvisibletrendalM
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Re: Change; or, Lost and Alone? [Re: kaiowas]
    #2110732 - 11/16/03 04:07 AM (13 years, 23 days ago)

everything feels like it's accelerating, at least for me it is. I feel like I'm moving much faster than I can see. do you feel this too?

Yes! I know exactly what you mean here. The days seem to go by in the blink of an eye lately. It feels strangely like something wrong with time, though that falls far short of a good explanation :frown:


--------------------
You're here because you know something.
What you know you can't explain,
But you feel it;
You've felt it your entire life.
That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there....
Like a splinter in your mind...
Driving you mad.


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Invisiblekaiowas
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Re: Change; or, Lost and Alone? [Re: trendal]
    #2110748 - 11/16/03 04:18 AM (13 years, 23 days ago)

or how about you think you're searching for something, but you don't know what it is.  thenwhen you do find something, something else is brought up that throws you off guard and you're left with nothing but empty thoughts.  it's that choas energy I tell ya :cool:

then again I might be nuts :nut: 


--------------------
Annnnnnd I had a light saber and my friend was there and I said "you look like an indian" and he said "you look like satan" and he found a stick and a rock and he named the rock ooga booga and he named the stick Stick and we both thought that was pretty funny. We got eaten alive by mosquitos but didn't notice til the next day. I stepped on some glass while wading in the swamp and cut my foot open, didn't bother me til the next day either....yeah it was a good time, ended the night by buying some liquor for minors and drinking nips and going to he diner and eating chicken fingers, and then I went home and went to bed.---senior doobie


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InvisibletrendalM
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Re: Change; or, Lost and Alone? [Re: kaiowas]
    #2110766 - 11/16/03 04:24 AM (13 years, 23 days ago)

then again I might be nuts

I'll never be able to tell.


--------------------
You're here because you know something.
What you know you can't explain,
But you feel it;
You've felt it your entire life.
That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there....
Like a splinter in your mind...
Driving you mad.


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Invisiblekaiowas
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Registered: 07/14/03
Posts: 5,498
Loc: oz
Re: Change; or, Lost and Alone? [Re: trendal]
    #2110773 - 11/16/03 04:26 AM (13 years, 23 days ago)

yes but never rule out the possibility either. hey a little insanity helps freshen our a regular day no??


--------------------
Annnnnnd I had a light saber and my friend was there and I said "you look like an indian" and he said "you look like satan" and he found a stick and a rock and he named the rock ooga booga and he named the stick Stick and we both thought that was pretty funny. We got eaten alive by mosquitos but didn't notice til the next day. I stepped on some glass while wading in the swamp and cut my foot open, didn't bother me til the next day either....yeah it was a good time, ended the night by buying some liquor for minors and drinking nips and going to he diner and eating chicken fingers, and then I went home and went to bed.---senior doobie


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OfflineGillette
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Re: Change; or, Lost and Alone? [Re: kaiowas]
    #2130306 - 11/23/03 12:12 PM (13 years, 16 days ago)

Kaiowas, dude you explianed it so well. My ex-boyfriend and I were very much like this. Always anxious, always waiting for it to happen. You get the slight feeling that maybe you are very very important and that you have to do something. Something that is almost world changing. And you sit and you think and think and think of what it might be and when it'll happen. We're still waiting. But things have changed. We did alot of reading, and we realized we'd have to integrate into society to change society from the inside out. Don't ever let society get to you tho, it can break you and take that idealism away. I know what I'm going to do, he knows what he's going to do and we figure if other people start to move in that same thought direction, it'll happen. Funny thing too Trendal is that the things that we have in mind have to do with eliminating hate as well........there's other out there.


--------------------
~Earth is the Insane Asylum of the Universe~

A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Change; or, Lost and Alone? [Re: trendal]
    #2130357 - 11/23/03 01:05 PM (13 years, 16 days ago)

I am going through the exact same thought processes right now. I have been this way ALL of my life, always a little different but in an indescribable way. I feel egotistical to call myself gifted but that has always been the description placed on me by society since elementary school. Same feeling, every morning and everyday of life, pondering what the next moment holds and how its either minor/major significance may slightly impact your reality.

Anxiety, insanity? No, just our realities.

I try my best to focus and release my frustrations into the task at hand, whether it is my part-time job at a photographics company, part time college (full time made me want to quit), meditation-- which I have found (helps you clear some of that garbage noise chattering all the time in the back of your mind). I gave up amphetamines, DXM, and temporarily tryptamines to give my brain some time to return to normality. Life itself may not be improving, but quality is. As long as I am complacent and one with the moment, I am happy.

You are not alone. Feel free to PM me anytime.


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InvisibletrendalM
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Re: Change; or, Lost and Alone? [Re: Organic]
    #2130434 - 11/23/03 01:54 PM (13 years, 16 days ago)

I've always known there were others out there! It's given me some comfort to know that even if everything does go to shit...I'll have people like you for company! You can be damn sure I'll be doing everything in my power to find everyone :wink:



I feel egotistical to call myself gifted but that has always been the description placed on me by society since elementary school.
The people with the funny pictures gave you a visit, eh? :smirk:
I bet I could count the number of times I've said the phrase "I'm smarter than you" (or similar) to anyone on one hand. It just doesn't feel right to point out, eh? :crazy:


I'm hangin' on, thanks guys :smile: 


--------------------
You're here because you know something.
What you know you can't explain,
But you feel it;
You've felt it your entire life.
That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there....
Like a splinter in your mind...
Driving you mad.


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