Auto-SummaryThe post describes the author's severe mood swings, ranging from euphoric bliss to suicidal thoughts, often triggered by minor events. They carry a suicide pill and have a low will to live, but are driven by curiosity in fungal heterotrophy, particularly mycorrhizal relationships. The author experienced a drug-induced psychosis from synthetic cannabis, leading to arrest and a psychiatric hospitalization. They also mention a psychotic episode where they believed Mark Zuckerberg was coming to pick them up and resisted arrest, culminating in a police cell. The author's mental state fluctuates drastically, with periods of intense focus on philosophical ideas, topological concepts, and psychedelic experiences. They are currently undergoing treatment and have experienced significant life events, including a breakup and a lack of support from friends and family.
Well.
Mood swings are ridiculously severe, and can be triggered by the most inconsequential things, while massive things can have little to no impact...
For example, I am homeless and incomeless, and this doesn't bother me in the least.
Last week I dropped my coffee, in the midst of having an awesome morning with some friends. This triggered a panic attack that reduced me to a crying, blabbling mess for a good twenty minutes- and then halfway through I realised what I was doing, and instantly switched backed to perfectly happy... I can make my self go from completely ecstatic to near suicidal nearly instantly, and vice-versa.
Sometime's I will have two weeks at a time of euphoric bliss, no worries. Sometimes I can't go more than 15 minutes without a debilitating mood swing.
I spend a lot of time thinking about death... In all honesty (I love anonymous lol) I actually have a suicide pill on me at all times in the form of a Solanacine extract with some Potassium cyanide. I have some goals to achieve first though. My manifesto being one. No, I'm not going to go completely beserk and kill lots of people. I can't even raise a hand to someone in self defence- I've never punched a human or animal in my life.
In fact, I can say with 100% certainty that I will have killed myself by the time I've reached 25- unless there is a DRASTIC change in society. I don't really have much will to live at all. If it wasn't for my curiosity on Fungal Heterotrophy, specifically Mycorhizzal rlationships, I highly doubt I'd be here at all.
My sleep is ridiculously erratic. I go through stages of weeks at a time where I will only sleep 2-3 hours a night, even staying up on occasion for two-three days at a time, then I'll go through my "rest period", where I'll spend a good 10-15 hours a day sleeping. Sometimes more.
Last year, I experienced a "drug-induced psychosis" due to Synthetic Cannabis. I had been smoking it heavily for a year. I still haven't talked about this indepth with anyone, so I guess now is as good a time as any.
It started off with a crazy interest in Philosophy. I got really hung up on linear vs circular logic. I came up with proofs for infinity=nothing, proved that ...circular logic works because... as opposed to the logical fallacy of circular logic works because circular logic works because...
I started work on a grand unified theory, but I can't make heads nor tails of my research notes now. At the time, I was discussing Topology (The Translation of 4th Dimensional Spheres) with PhD's, and other such subjects of which there is no possible way I could understand now..
Somewhere there was a tipping point between near genius and bat shit insane. I don't know where I stopped making sense and started scaring people but it definitely happened. In the midst of my Psychotic Episode I ended up getting arrested. My memory of this period is pretty blank, but I remember flashes, have talked to some people who were there and read all the police/medical reports (from the psychiatric institue I was admittd to)
On the day of my arrest I was CONVINCED Mark Zuckerberg was coming to pick me up in his helicopter. At one point I was sitting in the middle of my street (literally- where the cars are meant to drive) meditating and yelling at passers by, waiting for Mark. I was right outside my house, and I tried to break into an elderly gentlemens house across the road from me, so I could get a drink of water. I couldn't break his window (I was trying to headbutt through it) so I gave up and ended up drinking from a tap outside (still on his property). Some of my ex-flatmates still won't talk to me- apparently I told them I was a pedophile. WHICH I AM NOT. AT ALL. just making that clear. The cops turned up as I was talking to myself outside this gentlemens house- he was home at the time and called them. I don't remember much of my interactions with the police. I remember being very calm, and talking to a rather attractive policewoman. I told her I was a zen buddhist, multiple times. (I don't know jack shit about buddhism). According to the police report I asked her to marry me. She called back up and there were like three cop cars their rather quickish. They arrested me and I was being very, very calm, until something set me off- I'm not sure what. I resisted like fuck, screaming, biting, spitting, I pissed myself, convulsing on the ground like a madman. I remember being the car, soon afterwards, being very, very calm. The police got very angry at one point because I pulled the cuffs from behind my back, under my legs and in front of me. They freaked out I was gonna get violent or something and a cop pinned me against the window. This freaked me out and I turned my back to him, and started headbutting the police window- HARD. According to a friend who was watching the whole incident, it sounded like gunshots.
The next thing I remember is arriving at hospital... They walked me in, and I was being very calm... Then I saw an old man in a wheelchair being loaded into the back of a van, and I was convinced it was Mark Zuckerberg there to pick me up, but the cops wouldn't let me near him, so I started trying to break away from them. They took me inside to EPS (emergency psychiatric services) and I got away from them. By this point the cuffs were behind my back again, idk how this happened. I remember running at FULL SPEED towards a set of fire escape doors (which were locked) while in cuffs- I ran into them very very hard. also, while this was all happening, I had NO sense of pain whatsoever...
My next memory is being in a police cell at the central cop shop (which I know reasonably well) in what's locally known as the suicide cell. Massive glass wall, lights on 24/7, like three camera's etc. I remember the cops telling me there were legals on the way (one of the few thigns I still cared about) and Ikept asking from them. I remember washing my face and drinking water out of the toilet, when there was a sink attached... I still don't know why I did this, in a crazy persons cell in a copshop of all places. I remember a very concerned looking psychiatrist talking to me, but I can't remember what was dicussed. He placated me though, and agreed with me a lot- at the time it helped his cause of calming me down, but not mine of trying to re-enter reality- it just cemented my psychosis even further.
My next memory was being walked in to hospital... I saw their gardens, with some of my favourite plants in the world, in the sun after 3 days of rain... Kowhai, Hebe, Clianthus, Punga... It was one of the most blissful and serene moments of my life tbh, even though i was being walked in to hospital by four cops in handcuffs.
I was then put in to ICU, which in a pych hospital is a box concrete room, a concrete bed and plastic mattress,a sink, and a toilet that can only be flushed from the outside. I had god complexes.. Written on the wall in blood (i think this was a hallucination) were the greek symbols for Alpha, Omega, and Tau. I thought it was a reference to the holy trinity (i'm an atheist), Alpha being God, Omega being Jesus and me being Tau, the second prophet, the third incarnation of God. I remember stripping off my suicide gown and spending most of the time in my cell naked. Oh yeah, I spent my 20th birthday in this shithole too. A week before my girlfriend of 18 months (the love of my life, still, 8 months later, haven't been laid, still can't forget about her..) dumped me (due to my diminishing mental capacity, I presume). She had promised to bring me chocolate on my birthday, I remember being really hung up when she never came.. or none of my "friends" or family for that matter.. I was there for three weeks total, 5 days in ICU, not one person visited or even called to check on me... :'(
On one side of my cell there was a huge, glass window... there was a beautiful punga outside, and this same bird came to it every morning and landed in it, and left three-four minutes later... I lived for that bird in that cell.. Outside the window it was a walled off courtyard garden thing with the punga in the middle... on the wall on the opposite side of me was this amber-coloured lizard ornament... through meditation and concentration on this i found my spirit animal, the ochre lizard, and my spirit name... I would tell you that name but it would lead straight to my facebook lol... but to me (no latin roots at all.. actually maybe there is, I haven't checked) it meant "Miles-of-Amber, Discoverer-of-Space"
okay i've been writing for ages now... if anyone's interested, I'll keep going. This has been a fantastic release. Thanks for asking.
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