Well.
Mood swings are ridiculously severe, and can be triggered by the most inconsequential things, while massive things can have little to no impact...
For example, I am homeless and incomeless, and this doesn't bother me in the least.
Last week I dropped my coffee, in the midst of having an awesome morning with some friends. This triggered a panic attack that reduced me to a crying, blabbling mess for a good twenty minutes- and then halfway through I realised what I was doing, and instantly switched backed to perfectly happy... I can make my self go from completely ecstatic to near suicidal nearly instantly, and vice-versa.
Sometime's I will have two weeks at a time of euphoric bliss, no worries. Sometimes I can't go more than 15 minutes without a debilitating mood swing.
I spend a lot of time thinking about death... In all honesty (I love anonymous lol) I actually have a suicide pill on me at all times in the form of a Solanacine extract with some Potassium cyanide. I have some goals to achieve first though. My manifesto being one. No, I'm not going to go completely beserk and kill lots of people. I can't even raise a hand to someone in self defence- I've never punched a human or animal in my life.
In fact, I can say with 100% certainty that I will have killed myself by the time I've reached 25- unless there is a DRASTIC change in society. I don't really have much will to live at all. If it wasn't for my curiosity on Fungal Heterotrophy, specifically Mycorhizzal rlationships, I highly doubt I'd be here at all.
My sleep is ridiculously erratic. I go through stages of weeks at a time where I will only sleep 2-3 hours a night, even staying up on occasion for two-three days at a time, then I'll go through my "rest period", where I'll spend a good 10-15 hours a day sleeping. Sometimes more.
Last year, I experienced a "drug-induced psychosis" due to Synthetic Cannabis. I had been smoking it heavily for a year. I still haven't talked about this indepth with anyone, so I guess now is as good a time as any.
It started off with a crazy interest in Philosophy. I got really hung up on linear vs circular logic. I came up with proofs for infinity=nothing, proved that ...circular logic works because... as opposed to the logical fallacy of circular logic works because circular logic works because...
I started work on a grand unified theory, but I can't make heads nor tails of my research notes now. At the time, I was discussing Topology (The Translation of 4th Dimensional Spheres) with PhD's, and other such subjects of which there is no possible way I could understand now..
Somewhere there was a tipping point between near genius and bat shit insane. I don't know where I stopped making sense and started scaring people but it definitely happened. In the midst of my Psychotic Episode I ended up getting arrested. My memory of this period is pretty blank, but I remember flashes, have talked to some people who were there and read all the police/medical reports (from the psychiatric institue I was admittd to)
On the day of my arrest I was CONVINCED Mark Zuckerberg was coming to pick me up in his helicopter. At one point I was sitting in the middle of my street (literally- where the cars are meant to drive) meditating and yelling at passers by, waiting for Mark. I was right outside my house, and I tried to break into an elderly gentlemens house across the road from me, so I could get a drink of water. I couldn't break his window (I was trying to headbutt through it) so I gave up and ended up drinking from a tap outside (still on his property). Some of my ex-flatmates still won't talk to me- apparently I told them I was a pedophile. WHICH I AM NOT. AT ALL. just making that clear. The cops turned up as I was talking to myself outside this gentlemens house- he was home at the time and called them. I don't remember much of my interactions with the police. I remember being very calm, and talking to a rather attractive policewoman. I told her I was a zen buddhist, multiple times. (I don't know jack shit about buddhism). According to the police report I asked her to marry me. She called back up and there were like three cop cars their rather quickish. They arrested me and I was being very, very calm, until something set me off- I'm not sure what. I resisted like fuck, screaming, biting, spitting, I pissed myself, convulsing on the ground like a madman. I remember being the car, soon afterwards, being very, very calm. The police got very angry at one point because I pulled the cuffs from behind my back, under my legs and in front of me. They freaked out I was gonna get violent or something and a cop pinned me against the window. This freaked me out and I turned my back to him, and started headbutting the police window- HARD. According to a friend who was watching the whole incident, it sounded like gunshots.
The next thing I remember is arriving at hospital... They walked me in, and I was being very calm... Then I saw an old man in a wheelchair being loaded into the back of a van, and I was convinced it was Mark Zuckerberg there to pick me up, but the cops wouldn't let me near him, so I started trying to break away from them. They took me inside to EPS (emergency psychiatric services) and I got away from them. By this point the cuffs were behind my back again, idk how this happened. I remember running at FULL SPEED towards a set of fire escape doors (which were locked) while in cuffs- I ran into them very very hard. also, while this was all happening, I had NO sense of pain whatsoever...
My next memory is being in a police cell at the central cop shop (which I know reasonably well) in what's locally known as the suicide cell. Massive glass wall, lights on 24/7, like three camera's etc. I remember the cops telling me there were legals on the way (one of the few thigns I still cared about) and Ikept asking from them. I remember washing my face and drinking water out of the toilet, when there was a sink attached... I still don't know why I did this, in a crazy persons cell in a copshop of all places. I remember a very concerned looking psychiatrist talking to me, but I can't remember what was dicussed. He placated me though, and agreed with me a lot- at the time it helped his cause of calming me down, but not mine of trying to re-enter reality- it just cemented my psychosis even further.
My next memory was being walked in to hospital... I saw their gardens, with some of my favourite plants in the world, in the sun after 3 days of rain... Kowhai, Hebe, Clianthus, Punga... It was one of the most blissful and serene moments of my life tbh, even though i was being walked in to hospital by four cops in handcuffs.
I was then put in to ICU, which in a pych hospital is a box concrete room, a concrete bed and plastic mattress,a sink, and a toilet that can only be flushed from the outside. I had god complexes.. Written on the wall in blood (i think this was a hallucination) were the greek symbols for Alpha, Omega, and Tau. I thought it was a reference to the holy trinity (i'm an atheist), Alpha being God, Omega being Jesus and me being Tau, the second prophet, the third incarnation of God. I remember stripping off my suicide gown and spending most of the time in my cell naked. Oh yeah, I spent my 20th birthday in this shithole too. A week before my girlfriend of 18 months (the love of my life, still, 8 months later, haven't been laid, still can't forget about her..) dumped me (due to my diminishing mental capacity, I presume). She had promised to bring me chocolate on my birthday, I remember being really hung up when she never came.. or none of my "friends" or family for that matter.. I was there for three weeks total, 5 days in ICU, not one person visited or even called to check on me... :'(
On one side of my cell there was a huge, glass window... there was a beautiful punga outside, and this same bird came to it every morning and landed in it, and left three-four minutes later... I lived for that bird in that cell.. Outside the window it was a walled off courtyard garden thing with the punga in the middle... on the wall on the opposite side of me was this amber-coloured lizard ornament... through meditation and concentration on this i found my spirit animal, the ochre lizard, and my spirit name... I would tell you that name but it would lead straight to my facebook lol... but to me (no latin roots at all.. actually maybe there is, I haven't checked) it meant "Miles-of-Amber, Discoverer-of-Space"
okay i've been writing for ages now... if anyone's interested, I'll keep going. This has been a fantastic release. Thanks for asking.
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