Before you read this please know, I've had way too little sleep in the past 3 days, I still feel "tweaked out". This may not make a lot of sense and is probably way to long, for your convenience I have added a TL/DR Condensed version. I only even typed out the longer complete version to give some context to my drug taking behaviors and how I ended up in the mess I am now. I don't abuse drugs often, but when I do I turn into a sick, pathetic, disgusting, fiend of a person I hope this time I can learn my lesson before its too late,
You've been warned read on....
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The first drug I ever took even before weed, alcohol or tobacco was Adderall.
Since that first pill I was in love, and even the first time I took it I re dosed later that day (I had no idea what it really was I just knew I really really liked it)
I didn't take any drugs at all until 3 years later than I tried weed, 3 more months I tried alcohol, month after that first party, get offered adderall I buy 2 take both that night while drinking.
Fast forward many binges later I found out you can potentate the effects of these amphetamines (which I wont outline here save I give anyone inspiration) but I did it by every means I knew of. The only problem with this is it gave me the absolute worst hangovers of my life. Every time I was hungover feeling shitty I would promise myself I would never take adderall again unless I thought I "needed It" and I swore I would never do those things that amplify the effects like they do (In my experience these made the tail end of the trip and the come down exponentially worse)
Fast forward a couple months I got a pretty major head injury while I was drunk that left me grasping for my sanity and having to recover, and recoup financially.
So I cleaned up my act and only smoked weed on and off for around 20 days
The symptoms from my head trauma started to improve about 25-27 days in and I got drunk again and I had ZERO tolerance, for example I had 5-6 beers and blacked out harder than on previous occasions when I have drinken a LOT more (a 1/5th of jack in one night for comparison) and the hangover in the morning lasted all day long, previously hangovers where rare for me and i was always really resilient to them.
Wednesday night, I took an Adderall, did my potentiating trick again... took a high caffinated pre workout suppliment and went to the gym and biked for 55 mins, got on the treadmill and ran for 6 miles straight or about 1 hour, went back and did 45 minutes on another bike and then went to sit in the sauna for 1 and a half hours to detox and hopefully get weed out of my system for drug tests, didn't sleep that night.
one week from the last occasion I drank and 2 days after my gym binge/detox, Friday night as in November 30th... I woke up at my house with no memory of getting there and without my car (turns out some girl gave me a ride home). This level of black out occurred on aprox. 1.5-2 32oz Steel Reserve 8% beers.
Saturday night December 1st I'm upset I've been this reckless and thankful I escaped apparently unscathed. Me and my friends go to a Christmas tree festival, they brought vodka and low and behold, against my higher selves wishes I proceed to get drunk... again.....for the last time..
Later that night we wind up at a party, I wake up with marker all over my face blacked out on the couch. I wake up with no idea what is going on in the middle of a full blown party. I had mild consciousness at this point but most of this is friends relaying this to me. Next thing I know I'm in the bathroom with some pretty cute girl she's emptying out these blue capsules, which I later found out were (60mg vyvanse) I snorted my whole line, and hers and licked up the rest and walked out, she was pissed. Anyways she said I could have another one if I found her a nug, (which is how I got her to give me the first one is by promising to find her weed in the first place) Somehow I scrounged up 5 bucks and bought a nug and gave it to her she gave me another blue magic bullet which i put in my pocket and saved for later.
Once I got the pill i rounded up all my friends I all of sudden had a huge urge to leave the party. We left the party and we had no where to go so I decided in my "intoxicated state" it was okay to pass out at my friends house who had stayed in for the night and had not given me permission and who I hadn't even talked to that day. I stayed up all night drinking, tweaking out, doing stand up comedy and smoking weed in his(our) Shed/clubhouse/stoner hut. Since I smoked weed that night the heroic "detox" if you will from the other night was all for naught, I am now again once again "dirty" for the mandated drug tests from my parents as part of the agreement to move back home. I didn't fall asleep until Sunday afternoon around 4pm at my own house. I still had the magic blue pill saved for a later time. After all this I told my self AGAIN I will never take amps or drink.*rolls eyes*
Dec 03, Monday I wake up and decide I might as well take the last one I have before school, justifying that it would help me in class that day. I take it and feel great all through out school. I get home from school and don't like how the effects have dropped off so I proceed to potentate my poison with my preferred method. In addition to this I thought I didn't have enough energy so I drank 3 red bulls and a monster.
Current time Tuesday December 4th 3:50am, Still tweaking pretty bad and not at all ready for sleep, I took 6mg of melatonin and still have not the faintest plan of sleep. All this would be no big deal what makes this immediate enough for my tweaked out paranoid self to feel the need to bug the fine members of the Shroomery is at some point tonight I noticed my left Pec looked much larger than my right, (which is unusual because I am right handed) At first I thought it was some weird anomaly where I was just stronger on my left side. Upon closer inspection my axillary lymph node (chest armpit area) is extremely swollen on my left side almost to the point of having a "boob" look due to swelling. Again this wouldn't be too serious of a situation just get it checked out by a doc make sure its not serious. Well back to the concussion, that concussion happened while I was living with my friend, it was bad enough I had to move back home to recover. My parents are against all drug/alcohol use, end of story. I don't want to go to the doctors about my lymph node because I'm worried they will do blood work/urine test to find out why my shit is wack and I've been fucking up. The test will surly turn back with some sort of indication of the amphetamines I partook of in the past couple days. In addition I've noticed that because I binge with amps and never use for extended periods of time they tend to have a very lingering effect. My potentiating addition to these fun pills probably doesn't help either. Not only am I worried the doc's might trip over the drugs in my test, my parents will kick me out because of it. So shroomery that whole big rant comes down to this final question. Do I wait the 5-7 days for my system to get rid of those evil chemicals still somehow flowing through my body? Do I risk the swollen lymph node to be something more serious? All my research on lymph nodes says that early detection is vital in making sure its not some worse condition... I just don't know... Whats worse is i honestly feel I have a problem, I don't know why but some dark part of me is self destructive and hateful. I honestly deep down feel like part of me is just a shitty person. Which is what makes this all so frustrating, I only feel like this shitty person when i succumb to my weaknesses, day to day I love myself and I feel like my life is going in a really positive direction. I don't want to give up yet, I want to make it.
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TL/DR
-I took some amphetamines once on Wednesday of last week and on Friday and Saturday night.
-I have a very swollen lymph node in my chest, Internet research suggest medical attention asap to ensure its not something worse. I have no idea what caused it. In order to diagnosis swollen lymph nodes accurately and fully, blood work and urine analysis must be done (according to my research)
If this urine comes back positive with any drugs that shouldn't be in my system i'm not sure if the doc's will freak, but my parents have promised me a swift kick to the curb will follow. I was only allowed to move back home after a head injury based on the agreement that I wouldn't drink or use drugs.
-Another issue, I am infrequent in my drug use other than weed. Honestly weed and your "safer" psychedelics are the only drugs I can take without going against what my truer self believes. When I take amphetamines I turn into a disgusting sick fiend of a person, I hate that person that comes out. I take full responsibility for his actions but I can't believe what that part of me is willing to do and risk. I truly want to change. Deep down my honest self wants to change, I don't even want to drink, I don't even enjoy it all that much but time and time again I find myself returning to these self destructive paths. What do I do? I really want to take a complete break from all drugs and have a reality check of sorts for a pretty extended period of time and then slowly reintroduce weed, and eventually psychedelics. I'm hoping I can nip this problem in the bud before I find myself completely transformed into a speed freak, I feel like I definitely have the potential. I just don't feel comfortable going to traditional meetings because I don't feel like I am a true adict....Yet I have only done amphetamines a handful of times (10-15 occasions)I feel like I will come off almost as mocking if I go to those meetings and act like I've got the same battle they do.
Any help any suggestions? Other than KYS?? :P
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. Maybe it wasn't as mystic and mysterious as "The Universe" doing it all, maybe deep down inside I knew what I wanted and subconsciously I took the steps necessary. Either way I am really glad things turned out the way they did.
To This 
To This 
and then to This 
and then finally THIS! 
1 2 3 4 5 all )
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