I'm not really sure where to start with this so i guess ill go with my drug use.. I started smoking weed around august of 2010 and smoked daily and heavily since then..around April of 2011 i started taking a few pills i was a bit depressed at the time so i would take like 6 Xanax and come to class all fucked up, i also took diet pills and Xanax at the same time. I felt speedy and great. All was good. Then around the middle of the next summer i decided i wanted to try psychedelics..i thought that seeing into myself would be good for me. I've always had large insecurities and anxiety problems that i wouldn't let anyone know about , i pretty much kept everything inside of me. Anyway i was able to do acid, i didnt really trip but i felt it and it was awesome, Al tough ever since then Ive always felt like im still kind of tripping. HPPD? i wanted to it again but i decided to keep it natural and do shrooms. So i tripped a few times, mostly around a gram to myself a few times a month. Never really a heavy trip until a bit into the summer. I ate around 3g and it was an eye opener it got rid of my anxiety and insecurities. I finally felt normal except i still felt a little hppd, i thought maybe i was crazy but sometimes i just feel like it. Maybe i shouldve quit while i was ahead.. Anyhow around the start of school i got into adderall, that shit was awesome..at the beginning at least, i went on a week to week binge. Mostly for college. I got stuff done and that was good. then i started to feel funny on it. A little bit after i did shrooms while on the adderall now that i think of it. And well i would feel the rush and everything associated to adderall, but soon into it i just felt shitty it was nt like the effects of the drug were gone, just something with me was nt right. I didnt understand it. yet i still continued to abuse the medication, then i started to get very paranoid while speeding;like i would think that people were thinking negative things about me, hear people say something that sounded like "or I'll fucking kill you" when the person said something completely different. Now I do quit adderall for good and there are 2 things that led me to it.
For one a friend of mine cheated with a girl i was dating, and i was speeding an abnormal amount probably 40mg when usually i took 20mg or 10mg, for me 20mg seemed like too much but i did 10mg when i could. then on my highest dose around 60mg i got arrested. This was a moment that i felt my hppd i would look at a light look away and it would carry streak across my vision and sit for sometime and then multiply. i was able to keep my cool while being arrested however,at this point i was able to hold my anxiety.. (like at this point in my life if i was to replay that day with my mental state now i would most likely been in tears.) anyway yeah after that i did adderall a few more times then kicked it. Now back into wanting to trip! Ive always thought trips showed you yourself and enlightened me and that was true until a psychedelic binge with an unknown drug.. This was probably a bad idea seeing as i was buying a research chemical. I should nt have done it.. yet i did. i snorted it one night. then the next day a little more, the night after that day another bit. The trips seemed stranger to me, like instead of thinking rationally about thoughts in my life, i was thinking irrationally. I dove into subjects that needed no digging. i would start getting scared and going into bad loops. I got out of most of them but i couldn't shake them. The last night was the worst, first off the voice in my head was making crazy noises and it scared me i immediately felt horrible. When conversation was tried with me it would only make me feel worse, i felt like i was going to puke. I felt like i was about to pass out. I then took 2 anti depressants which were ssrri's so not sure if that was a good combo...I was so scared i thought i was going to die, i saw the headlines "kid dies after snorting random drug" my head was going a zillion miles an hour i think this was the biggest anxiety attack of my life and i was tripping so hard i just assumed it was a bad trip.
After the peak and my attack stopped i was able to fall asleep. Ever since that time my anxiety was back and it was in full throttle I found myself very emotional, and i just could nt stop thinking either..it was like conscious and i never had a break. And another strange thing, for about a week or 2 after the binge i could nt tell the differences in temperature of hot and cold.. it subsided but was very peculiar.
Fast forward a little and i went cold turkey on weed, for legal reasons. then a little before i quit weed, i Kinda cheated with a girl that my friend was dating.(something weird happens to me here) anyway she decides to go with him so she breaks my heart, this moment something strange happened to me, i had an extraordinary epiphany and realized if i had the potential to get a girl like that i could do just about anything. I was on top of the world, and I knew she was still into me so we talk and hangout, then she ended with him and went with me. (this was a move that when i went through was going to destroy that friendship and probably the way a lot of my friends look at me. I was afraid to even talk to them because i would think about what they'd be thinking. Just how they'd want to hit me or that im a bad friend. I was so afraid that i would flat out avoid them. completely. I Had the girl and she was all i needed. She made me forget the stuff i was dwelling on, it was perfect. i was in love. While we were together i had another trip that started out good it was utterly perfect and the best Ive felt while tripping yet..it was because of her..then there was a lot of noise and my heart started racing i felt it and started to panic. I kept the panic in my head but i couldn't shut the bad off, it wasn't possible, i could break the thought loops but i would still feel bad so they would slip back in.i started getting extremely paranoid and thought i could see the language of peoples eyes and they were saying deceitful things it was experiencing reality with no grip on reality, afraid because you have no grip. Its not something i like at all. And the paranoia stuck with me, even though they were absolutely ridiculous situations that caused the resurface of the paranoia.. I tried to tell myself its from the trip and how that was nt reality and your sober feelings are natural. but they still lingered, they were dying down though, i thought maybe it just took some time for the experiences effects to die off. Thats when i realized something isnt right.
Anyway back to the girl shough since both of us were good friends with the guy she left for me, we together did feel a little bad, not so much myself but yeah i did. I blame myself for not doing/saying anything about how she should stop thinking about him and think of me. I didnt, i let it hurt me but i endured for i thought she was worth it. Then she breaks my heart and goes back to him. After this, i don't feel myself almost like a second person living in me had taken control. i started doing things i normally would nt, and started thinking really bad, not just that but everything i destroyed for her i made in-salvageable. i fucked up bigtime so to say. It was just another thing on my stack of things i have to dwell on. My head fucking killed from thinking, i thought this was just human and we all think, but after a while it didn't feel human. It didnt feel like how i use to think about my problems, they would come to light when i so chose, now they mimic how trips get you into thought loops. Im thinking i shouldve got a therapist around this time to help cause now i think i legitimately need it. Now i had nt talked to or seen this girl in a few weeks..i wish i could say i was over her alas i was nt. During the depressed time, i thought a irrational thought and tied it to being fact. I convinced myself that if i righted all my wrongs in the past year everything would be in place. And the world would be at balance.
I be lived this to be true to me this sounds like a thought that should only be thought while extremely high or something.. I think i may have tricked myself into thinking that was how the world works. This may be whats aiding to fucking my head up, im thinking i may have convinced myself that there is a reason tied to everything. Fast forward a little more and i was down to my last wrong that i was to right, and we had just got shrooms. but right before we got to our trip place i had the opportunity to right this wrong. That made me think it was destiny, i really dove into this idea. I legitimately thought i figured out the world has everything planned. We tripped later and all i could think was how i put everything in place and everything was meant. Yet what wasn't meant was me to not be with this girl, it just wasn't the place i felt she belonged. I was sad about this but then i realized if i want to get her back i have to be me again and that felt good.
Then a little later into the trip it happened i felt like i was going to throw up, my heart started to go super fast and boom i was having another attack. It followed just like all the others. Irrational thinking, this one however was different, i started to think way into things tracing back years in memory as a reason for something thats happened to me in my life. i could nt stop doing it. it gave me bunches of bad thoughts that would stay with me for sure. except this time they didnt, the paranoia lasted for like 2 days and then it was better i was back to before that trip. Then the girl starts talking to me again, now shes fucked my head hard as fuck. cause Ive been talking to her, i brought that everything has reason into this. I believed even more now. I think im fantasizing my life a lot. so we've been talking. Yet im unsure of what she wants from me and have yet to ask, for if she wants me then in an instant i will go back to her, if she wants friendship then i will end all ties with her. This conflict of feelings have done something to me though. its causing the deep thinking Ive been having to bring my irrational thoughts of my mind and dive into them insanely deeply, i go though them and make ties with things that dont relate to the main idea at all, yet they seem true.. its strange. picture a List with the title "colors" underneath is a list of colors except one is nt a color is just la bled "rock" though its wrong and not a color, its accepted as correct. Much like how my mind is working right now. All i know is that its scary, and i think i should find help. Also anytime i smoke weed i lose control and have anxiety attacks..while im going through these i even feel like im about to pass out. Never has anything like this ever happened to me. And trust me Ive been in emotional pain while high before and this never happened. ever.
Every time i would smoke i would have an attack and the intense paranoia, fear, irrational thoughts/fears. Was there the entire time and the attacks would go so far as id throw up. Im thinking i might have some sort of disorder with my cognitive thinking thats being exasperated by my anxiety. To the point where im about to seek help. Also if i take a Xanax i start to feel a little more baseline. One more thing ive also been over analyzing literally everything, even things that i do normally. This is one of the signs i think is a big one telling me to get help. Like it goes so oddly in depth that i know its not right. I'd like to know what you guys think?
Edited by Anonymous (04/14/12 03:45 PM)
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