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Intimacy Disaster
    #12646833 -

I am an 18 year old. I have been having social anxiety problems for a about 2 years now, and recently I have been seeing a girl I like. She is 2 years younger than I am, and rather shallow, but beautiful and sweet , and I like her. I have however found myself very much unable to be myself around her, and have seen her about 4 times now without much progression. Tonight, we watched a movie at my place, and I promised myself I would kiss her. I kept making excuses; "she's smoking a cigarette now, I can't possibly kiss her", "now is not the moment", "the film we are watching is currently a little banal, it would be weird and unexpected to do it now", and other such excuses which seemed legitimate at the time, but now appear clearly to be just that; excuses. I just kept procrastinating, and then she had to go home. I feel horrible. I don't know what I want from you guys. Perhaps some of you have had similar experiences and can give me some advice?

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #12646893 -

Most women love a guy to take charge. Go ahead and kiss her - she ain't gonna kill you for
it.

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #12646917 -

kiss her like its the only thing that could be done. like it was meant to happen

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #12646919 -

i have some pretty bad social anxiety myself and i've gone through th e same thing with two girls... the only advice i can give you is to not wait too long to make a move as it will become harder to do and easier for your mind to make up excuses. Also the girl will lose interest and this is when i start to really panic :feelsbadman:

but just give it a shot next time your together and i promise it will :feelsgoodman:

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #12646957 -

Did you get over it in the end?

and

Do you think I should I tell her about my anxiety ?

Edited by Anonymous (05/28/10 05:59 PM)

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #12646981 -

i don't know dude. that could go either way. depends on what kind of a chick she is i guess. the only people that know about my anxiety are my close friends and my close family, everyone else probably thinks i'm a psycho.. i don't know bring up anxiety in a conversation somehow and go from there?

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #4] * 3
    #12647176 -

Bro-- let me let you in on a secret-- if you're nervous, *and can't be yourself*, then you're not seeing this girl as just another human being-- albeit an attractive, desirable one. You're distracting yourself with a goal, and clouding the enjoyment of time spent with a beautiful girl.

As I've gotten older, and have seen all the girls around me do their thing (I work in proximity to dozens of girls your age) I've begun to understand what all those "old" people were talking about when they'd say things like "don't make such a big deal out of it-- just be yourself, and let things happen as they will-- you'll end up with more pussy than you can handle"

Your problem is twofold: "Social anxiety" is a bullshit excuse-- you need to lay that shit down and put a bullet in it.
It's an artificially medicalized way of saying you have no confidence in yourself,and are afraid of/obsessed with what other people think of you to the point that you STFU and piss yourself. You're using it as a crutch to make yourself feel like a victim of some affliction.

To you bitches that will pile in here and whine about "no, it's a real medical problem!!!!11!one!!!!":

:fishsmack:

Seriously bro-- ask yourself *why* you feel so nervous-- because that's what you need to address. You're new to girls-- it's NORMAL to be nervous.

This brings us to the second problem:
Quote:
I promised myself I would kiss her.



WTF man? Are you an engineer? Is there some schedule that's meant to be kept here? So fucking what you've hung out 4 times. Jesus. You are so hormonally frenzied that you must have her now, Now, NOW?

Chill the hell out bud. Chill out. If you can't be yourself around her, you're not in any position to put the moves on her without looking like a fool.

My advice: stop angling to hook up with her, or feeling obligated to progress under some retarded internal timetable.

Start...you know... hanging out with her.
You need to develop a level of comfort with this girl that you clearly don't have. You might could've had it by now, if instead of being 1/3 the person you actually are around her *(the other 2/3 in another world, trying to figure out if you're "doing it right") you were the same honest, open guy you're being with us here.

The problem always gets made worse when we put up some bullshit act to try and impress/get the attention of a girl-- and they respond with some level of interest---and all of a sudden, you have to keep the act going. Which takes all they enjoyment of spending time together away. Which is exactly what's happening to you. It's like trying to juggle and read at the same time-- it's completely obvious you aren't "in" the conversation-- you're "at" one.

It can all be fixed-- don't worry. Let her know you're glad she is spending time with you-- that you have fun with her. If she makes a move, or leaves a door visibly open for you, awesome-- all the best. But don't force it either-- you'll look like that's all you want (which it honestly kinda looks like to me from what you've written), and it will be harder to actually connect.

Don't whine to her about how "fucked up" or "nervous" you are-- you think she hasn't noticed it already? No need to make that awkward and useless move. Just know it's in the air already-- and SHE'S STILL CHOSEN TO CONTINUE TO HANG OUT WITH YOU.

Be yourself-- relax, and don't push so hard you forget what you're trying to do--which is spend good times with a pretty girl you like.

Go from there. As YOU-- all of you. If she doesn't like who you are, keep being yourself around everyone, and you'll find the ones that DO like you.

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #5] * 1
    #12647239 -

Well i think #5 gave some great advice there and there is always the end of the night when you can ask
for a goodnight kiss so its not a make out session or anything just a little something to say I like you.
You must have been going crazy that whole movie telling yourself to kiss her thats actually a hard time to
do it unless you feel really comfortable with a the girl.

She obviously likes you if you've seen her that many times so you dont have to worry anymore if she does like you
cause if she didnt then there wouldn't have been a second time let alone a sixth time.

Good luck everything will work out for ya :super:

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #12647250 -

So it's not a medical condition, #5? Woah I am so glad to hear that. SO if it's not social anxiety causing my hot flushes, sweaty palms and my inability to form simple words when having an attack, I guess it's just alllll in my head.... right.

'Be Yourself' is some of the worst advice you can give someone with anxiety... Don't you think they're already trying to be themselves? There's no magical epiphany to be realised here...

It's so easy to think rationally when you're alone and at home but when you get into that social setting, your mind automatically drifts into those recurrent thoughts of self betrayal. It's not something you can control for someone who has anxiety. That's the problem.

The recovery process is long and hard, just as long as it took to get your anxiety in the first place, which for me was years and years. The only cure is positive affirmation, meditation and muscle relaxation techniques. You can try anti-depressants if you want but in the end they will be more detrimental to you.

People who take anxiety lightly simply have no clue what they're talking about. It kills people mentally and it really is like an infectious disease. It manifests itself feeding on your negativity to draw more negativity, with that negativity drawing more and more negativity. It doesn't end until you take a stand and decide to change it.

See a psychologist to get you on the way, or better yet, look into the audio series, 'Overcoming Social Anxiety: Step by Step'..

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #12647254 -

You sound like, god forbid, a sensible person!

I didnt mean that I had some sort of medical affliction called Social Anxiety, just that at the moment, I am often socially anxious in social situations. Don't think that I just desire this girl physically, for this is not the case. I do feel an obligation to get physical though, as I, as you have correctly assumed, never really have before, due to the aforementioned uneasiness I experience around other human beings. I just want my fear of intimacy to stop being this big obstacle in my life, and I feel that getting physical might work as some sort of confrontational therapy, to make me realize it's not such a big deal. Perhaps this is an unhealthy motive, perhaps not. I don't think it is.

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #12647294 -

I went to a doctor for social anxiety so now instead of me feeling like i was just a super shy person i now
have this wonderful label to go along with it cause thats what doctors like to do and thats to give you a label.
It made it so i couldnt go into the army cause i now have a medical condition... if you really wanna try and make
it better get a book it will tell you everything a doctor will tell you and just put to practice the steps
to overcoming anxiety so no doctors and no labels are stuck on you

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #12647315 -

Man, you're fine-- you sound like a lucid, confident person. Let it flow-- you have the tools (you're using them with us-- you're clearly thoughtful, and able to separate yourself from the situation and look at it rationally-- that's the act of a man that is constructively looking for solutions to his problems)

You're gonna be just fine :smile:

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #12648842 -

Quote:
just want my fear of intimacy to stop being this big obstacle in my life



I suggest changing your perspective to view the manifestation of your desires as a challenge, or a dare. Derive pleasure not from the immediate gratification of the adrenaline rush or the ability to overcome your fears (both equally important), but rather from the understanding that, whatever the result, you will be very happy that you made the decision and acted out a scenario that you have been anticipating and cultivating. It makes you stronger and builds character; just do it. The big deal feeling is completely in your head. If she's hanging out with you, she won't mind.

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #12649586 -

Anonymous #1 said:
I am an 18 year old. I have been having social anxiety problems for a about 2 years now, and recently I have been seeing a girl I like. She is 2 years younger than I am, and rather shallow, but beautiful and sweet , and I like her. I have however found myself very much unable to be myself around her, and have seen her about 4 times now without much progression. Tonight, we watched a movie at my place, and I promised myself I would kiss her. I kept making excuses; "she's smoking a cigarette now, I can't possibly kiss her", "now is not the moment", "the film we are watching is currently a little banal, it would be weird and unexpected to do it now", and other such excuses which seemed legitimate at the time, but now appear clearly to be just that; excuses. I just kept procrastinating, and then she had to go home. I feel horrible. I don't know what I want from you guys. Perhaps some of you have had similar experiences and can give me some advice?



Fuck bro, be glad you're even where you're fucking at. My social anxiety combined with some past experiences has made me essentially write off ever being intimate with anybody. I currently plan to live and die romantically isolated.

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #9]
    #12650158 -

social anxiety is a side effect from overuse of marijuana.

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #12650315 -

Anonymous #1 said:
I am an 18 year old.... She is 2 years younger than I am



:hansen:

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #10]
    #12650524 -

Anonymous #10 said:
social anxiety is a side effect from overuse of marijuana.



Yes, yes it is. What's your point?

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #9]
    #12650622 -

so bitching about having crippling social anxiety and then smoking a shit load of weed is just like watching a pack a day smoker bitch about lung cancer.

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #10]
    #12652446 -

Anonymous #9 said:
Fuck bro, be glad you're even where you're fucking at. My social anxiety combined with some past experiences has made me essentially write off ever being intimate with anybody. I currently plan to live and die romantically isolated.



me too...

Anonymous #10 said:
so bitching about having crippling social anxiety and then smoking a shit load of weed is just like watching a pack a day smoker bitch about lung cancer.



maybe so but i could deal with the anxiety if i just run with it... honestly its more worth to smoke then be sober all the time and a  little more social.    without an intimate partner i dont see enough good reason to not smoke weed, and if i had one id prob still keep smoking  :bigblunt:

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Re: Intimacy Disaster [Re: Anonymous #12]
    #12652622 -

:facepalm:

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