Anonymous #1 said:
I believe you are probally less likely to believe anything that gets people off the hook with pedophelia, but evidence says that the two are interlinked.
You should do research, there is plenty to show for this.
You'd be surprised.
All my life, I've tried to understand.
I see the connection you point out. I don't have any intention of denying recorded fact. My earlier post was more to make clear that it is in no way inevitable that a molested child is destined to perpetuate that behavior. Are they at higher risk? Yes. That's why it's imperative that they be cared for, listened to, and helped to deal with what's happened to them.
To those of you that have felt suicidal, (or homicidal):
I didn't choose to have my abuse made known-- but I'm absolutely certain that it saved my life.
Forcing me to confront these things when they were forced onto me saved my life. In all seriousness it only barely did. I was at the bottom of an alcoholic well, drowning, floating in the quiet anguish of apathy.
I've felt every point along the spectrum-- from the rage and revenge that others in this thread have expressed, to honest sympathy and sorrow for the one that did what he did.
Just about everywhere in between. I can expect nobody to understand... but I want to try and explain anyway. I've never done this aloud, so please bear with me.
I have felt like a helpless child, preyed upon by a deceitful, twisted freak.
I have felt like a foolish boy, for not reading the signals and signs of danger which, in retrospect, are always there.
I felt like a liar, and a hypocrite for telling my mother everything was OK when she started to worry something wasn't right. I was more afraid of her finding out what horrors I had been through than continuing to go through the horrors myself.
I felt like I betrayed myself, and my future. I felt betrayed by those authority figures that I thought (and later *knew*) should have known. (The man that did this to me was affiliated with law-enforcement. But please, no "I hate cops" BS in here over that-- this man was no more indicative of LE in general than of any other group that have trust and influence. We all know pedo's are in every group)
I even felt like I betrayed him after it all came out. Stockholm syndrome is real, man.
In the end, I feel like I have explored this "why" problem with the greatest of efforts, trying to reason and understand why someone would let a base, primitive level of physical compulsion override the thousands of years of cultural, moral, and ethical knowledge and restraint civilization has graced us with.
My honest answer is simpler than many, and more complex than some...but I believe it is true.
I think pedophiles are--in their deepest psyche-- insecure cowards. This is a description, not an epithet.
I believe these men have so little confidence in themselves, so little courage and sense of self, that they find the helpless--the pure, and least-powerful among them "safe" to attack, because they do NOT feel worthy of real women. They feel incompatible with what you and I think is sexy in a woman.
They are unwilling or unable to form normal relationships--standing side-by-side as equals with their partner/lover. They are weak. They are worthless. They can only feel superior to little children. So they seek out those that don't know how worthless they really are.
They are very-much related to all other rapists-- the comfort/satisfaction of being in control makes every vulgar, terrible action feel justified.
The object of their cowardly lust is to them, at least in that moment, nothing more than a piece of meat to be fucked-- sure, some of them try and tell themselves that they "care" for these kids-- but that's a practice of self-deception. It's the hook, line, and sinker they use to quietly, and therefore somehow more justifiably, snare these children's trust (as opposed to the violent kidnapper type).
It's also their internal moral defence. But the cognitive dissonance is there. They KNOW it's wrong. They know. I know the man that did this to me knew what he was doing. He dressed it up an all sorts of father-figure, jocular ways. But he knew he was trying to molest a young boy. I also know that it tore him apart inside. He still went through with every minute of it. He still dragged me through every minute of it.
He still, knowing, gave in to it again and again. I would discover that I was not the only one he raped.
It's beyond horror, for me... knowing that he KNEW, and did it anyway. Knew it was an abomination of love and trust. I think this is the case for the vast majority of these rapists.
I've heard the "biological impulse" story, where they say "he was incapable of controlling his animal instincts".
Whatever. It's a fucking excuse, sculpted and fashioned by defence attorneys and self-rationalizing pedophiles themselves.
I'd love to fuck that hot girl parked next to me at a light in traffic, but I don't. I guess i have "Biological Impulse" FAIL. Maybe i'm irrationally averse to accepting that supposedly overwhelming urge as a genuine possibility. Ok then.
In the end, my conclusions are only my own. I have only my experience to instruct me.
I've rambled on about this far more than I probably should have.
But see for yourself, the depth of damage experienced by people like me. It is immeasurable. It's as bad as you can possibly fear it could be. It saturates your life--decades later.
If you are a pedophile, you will do your best to rationalize that fact away-- but remember-- that child will not have that luxury. Ever.
I've spent most of my life trying to undo what that bastard did to me. I've become what I hope is a good, honest, and worthwhile human being. I love, and I am loved. I may be damaged with some baggage in some ways, but I am thankful.
I've been on this board for many years, and have made friends here. My psychedelic experiences have played a significant role in absorbing into myself, and cleaning out, many of the feelings that I have connected to this.
I have many of you to thank for sharing your knowledge with me that allowed a safe and educated journey to those magnificent places.
It has helped. Life does go on.
It takes time, honesty, conviction, and trust. It takes friends. It takes all you have. But it's worth it to continue-- no matter what.
So many years later--it's always been worth the fight.
Edited by Anonymous (05/17/10 05:29 PM)
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I bet he was just wandering around swinging a big stick and a seagull flew in front of it and BAM!
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