Anonymous said:
I was very tired that morning.
Terrible opening sentence. Your first sentence sets the tone for the entire story, so it must be chosen with care and deliberateness. If you do not understand what I mean, please read some well-written fiction.
Quote:
To my regret I couldn’t quite block the drama from the front of the classroom out of my attention.
Awkward, wordy and completely unnecessary. Rather than including this extraneous sentence, simply phrase the next sentence to include this thought.
Quote:
Troy and Aaron were at the forefront of another silly dispute it seemed.
Forefront? Silly dispute? These phrases are out of place with the casual "zoned in" and "it couldn't be serious. Keep your language consistent: either formal or informal.
Who are Troy and Aaron? Why should we care what they are doing?
Quote:
However, the class grew quieter as the main stage grew louder.
Why "however"? This does not gracefully follow the previous sentence.
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Troy was building a frightening cadence in his speech that commanded a close listening.
Again, "frightening cadence" is both awkward AND overly-formal. "A close listening" is grammatically incorrect. "Commanded close attention" would be better.
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I zoned in.
IMO, this is too slangy and casual. You could convey the same idea by using "commanded my close attention" in the previous sentence.
Quote:
“I am telling you. This is not a joke. I am not bullshitting. You don’t know who you are. But you have something this man wants, and he is going to kill you so he can have it. He will kill you, your mother, and at least one other family member. I can’t tell you who you are. All I can is that if you don’t kill this man first, your end is very near”.
This does not sound like real speech. Try reading it aloud & imagining how YOU would phrase it. Also, you need to use some version of "Troy said" to guide the reader.
Quote:
It couldn’t be serious. There was waiting.
Both of these phrases are very odd. As we know that Troy was the speaker, why not use "He couldn't be serious"? "There was waiting" is a bizarre sentence. Would you say "there was running" or "there was walking"? We need a subject for the verb "waiting." How about "the class" or "I" or "everyone in the room"?
Quote:
Aaron sat hunched at his desk, blushing and breathing heavily, glistening with clammy skin.
In this sentence, "glistening with clammy skin" does not work. You might try "glistening with sweat," or "his skin becoming clammy with fear."
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“Ha, get real, how ridiculous! How can you make up something so ridiculous!” he protested. “Jeees-“
Again, this does not sound like real speech. Read it aloud & change the wording until I sounds like something you would say.
Quote:
and suddenly burst into anger, hurling a heavy blue object into the concrete wall at my back, making a loud “crack” as the echo reverberated through my body, entering my back and leaving at my feet, pulling my heart with it.
Wow, run-on sentence alert! Try breaking these thoughts up into two sentences.
"Burst into anger" does not work. We say "burst into tears" or "angry outburst" or "exploded with rage," but not "burst into anger."
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The expressions of the room mimicked my own feeling.
Another odd turn of phrase. "The room" cannot have an expression--try "my classmates" or "the onlookers."
"Mimicked" does not work well here. How about "mirrored my own" or "reflected my emotions"?
Quote:
A blue pocket knife laid a stride from the base of the wall.
"Lay" not "laid," and this sentence would be more effective if phrased in terms of the distance from the narrator. The reader is more invested in the narrator than they are in the wall. (IOW, "who cares how close the knife is to the wall--how close did it come to stabbing this person?")
Quote:
After five seconds of gaping silence
"Gaping" is a poor choice of adjective, as it means "deep and wide open." If you are trying to convey the idea that the students' mouths were gaping, then say that. If you are attempting to describe the quality of silence, use an adjective which relates to silence.
Quote:
Mr. Kimato entered the room, briefcase in hand.
Who is this? We may assume he is the instructor, but this is not clearly conveyed. Try: "Mr. Kimato, our English Lit teacher, entered the room."
Those are the technical problems--the main issue I have with this paragraph is that nothing "grabs" me. Who is the narrator? Why should I care what happens to him/her? Where are these people? What sort of class is this? What does the room look like? Why is the narrator tired? Why is it important that he/she is tired (or is it? Remember, the first sentence cannot be a throw-away. If it is not meaningful to the overall story, don't put it in the first sentence!) Who are these students? What are their relationships to one another?
Unless the readers receive some information regarding the above questions, it is unlikely that you will "grab" their attention. Read it over again, pretending that you are unfamiliar with this story, and ask yourself "why should I care"? If the answer is not obvious, then you need to make it obvious.
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