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Anonymous #1 |
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How much longer i feel like being alive.
i'm 19, i grew up with a mother who was an abusive drunk, who kept my father away from me until i was 13, she forced medications on me and went doctor shopping for ME so she could tell every one she was a "single mother raising a mental fucked up child" she never took care of me, i was all ways in after care day care with a baby sitter or dumped off on one of her asshole boyfriends when she went out party'ed a fucked like a cheep crack whore. every man she ever been with she's sucked dry of money love and everything else she could take. She beat me most of my life and forced me to scream on the phone so my father could hear. then the day 9/11 happened she dumped me off with nothing to my dad he treated me with love, but lots of anger (he was a warvet in veitnam, and is disabled) as well. I loved him still he was my dad and all ways there for me. he protected me from my mom when i moved with him. untill high school,she forced me and my dad to move to a shitty area and i discovered drugs, gang violence fights... i lost many friends....including my best friends baby sister (whom i know all her life, i met my best friend was in the beginning of middle. in 11th grade my mother locked me up in a mental place for 6 months, when i got out she allmost fucking stabbed me (then stabbed her boyfriend at that time 4 months later he didden't press charges. pussy) after a while i went back with my dad. went back to drugs, and found tempoary happyness. I only have one friend left at this point. my best friend. and we coulden't hang out much due to jobs and what not. I've never had a girlfriend. i've had sex plenty of times. never more then once with the same girl. i just wish i knew what that kind of love felt like. or really much of any. I'm alone all the time when i am not working. I cant take it any more few years since i got out of that lock up ever since i've spent most of my days and nights off in a dark room with my head in my hands. Dont think for lack of trying either. I've been rejected by every girl i've asked out since rehab. or taken advantage of. milked for money that sort of thing. i try to look for things to do around here. it is fl i snorkel at the beaches sometimes. its nice. but when i approce people they seem to be either afraid of me or think of me as shit. its been months since the last time for that reason. i cant get into clubs there all 21+ (i'm 19 remember) i go to the hookah bar sometimes but damn do i stand out in a booth alone or with just one other person some times when i go out with my buddy some of his friends come along...they are nice to me and all..i just dont think i know them well enough ya know? I cant fucking take it anymore. I just cant. allthis combined with the problems i have been haveing with money... I dont know what am i gonna fuckin do..
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Anonymous #2 |
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Shitty dude. I feel you, life sucks. I don't really know what to tell you. You have been dealt a really shitty hand it seems. It's not hopeless though.
I'm also a rather lonely former user of hard drugs. You take away the drugs and it kinda removes you from the one group of people you had anything in common with. I have about 10% of the family issues you have, I can relate, but I can only imagine what it must be like for you. Smoking weed is my only real outlet left. Can you still smoke weed? Being broke just makes everything exponentially worse. It's hard to make new friends when you can't go out or spend money on anything. You seem like a smart guy though. Have you considered college? You can get grants and student loans to pay for everything, and you're bound to meet a couple people you can relate to. I start classes in about 2 weeks, I'm really looking forward to going back. I really suggest getting into school, you meet people who aren't throwing lives away. Getting a job will help too. Much easier said than done though. I've been looking for the last 3 months and can't find shit. I was workin part time at this restaurant, but shit was so slow they had to let me go for a while. Money makes everything easier. I wish I could be more helpful. Life really is shit, but it's all we get.
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Anonymous #1 |
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Last night i would have shot my self if i couldent smoke buds. if it wasent for the clamness that growing the buds bring me i'd flip out man.. the company i work for is trying to get me a scholarship to a privet college around here. dont know if it will happen... life sucks man..
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Anonymous #3 |
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yo man, seek help. NOW. don't be ashamed to do it. the life you save will be your own. If you can't afford it look around, most municipalities have some kind of mental health programs for low/no income individuals. if you ever need to talk, just post up something in the pub or here and I'm sure there'll be some people here that are online and willing to help talk you through a low spot. a lot of people have been there man. but don't fret.
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Anonymous #1 |
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I will die or kill before i submit my self to the tortures of an acute facility. have you ever been in one?
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Anonymous #4 |
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I think he simply means just see a counselor dude! There's no shame in getting a little help every once and a while... As he said, we've all been there.. Either you cope by yourself, or you get yourself some help. Like he said, the life you save will be your own...
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Anonymous #1 |
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I dont want a shrink, they are easly courrupted by money... My life is not worth saveing. My death would impact the few i know in a better way anyway.. I'm sitting on the edge, what i hold on to is the hope that it will change one day..
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Anonymous #3 |
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not true. they have bills to pay too ya know, they can't just provide the service for free. and the reason its not dirt-f'ing cheap: IT WORKS! that being said, if you feel strongly about that issue, then look into the mental health services provided by your municipality. Many areas have mental health (that isn't acute in-patient) programs. It may be part of the general health department.
EVERY (almost, with the exception of some rapists/murderers/B. Madoff/ etc) life is worth saving. including yours friend.
what about your best friend? how would it affect his life? how would it affect his folks and other family's life. they lost a daughter and now their son lost a best friend!
look man, I've been to the edge and made it back successfully. I can relate to ...... seriously dude. you ever want to talk. "melbourne3athlt" at gmail dot com
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Anonymous #5 |
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To long didnt read but I can assure you killing yourself is the most appropriate solution to your problem
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Anonymous #3 |
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 trollyou're a real piece of shit you know that. fuking leet web fag.
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Anonymous #5 |
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oh get off your gay-horse, I know it says in response to you #3 but I was talking to the OP.
Perhaps I struck a nerve and you also would be doing the world a favour by shedding your mortal skin? Go on, its the in thing these days. I did it and now I'm dead and everythings awesome.
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Anonymous #3 |
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maybe you should really kill yourself. telling anybody thats in this situation that it might be the right thing to do is just plain wrong and inhumane. you didn't strike a nerve with me, I'm happier than I've ever been but I've been in some dark places, and its because of my friends and people I had never even thought would care that I'm still around today. You're a little cynical son of a bitch who needs to get off your own high horse, did you ever think that for somebody in (at least according to his posts, which may be a joke, or may be an exaggeration but WE DON'T KNOW!! and thats the kicker) his situation, that maybe, just maybe, the least little thing could really set him off. And don't go crying about darwinism and if he couldn't handle the world he didn't deserve to be here, because in my experience, the people who say that, are the same ones that played by themselves on the jungle gym in kindergarten.
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Anonymous #5 |
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LOL, dude, I never read any post in this thread before responding.
I assume it went along the lines of WAHHH WAHHH my middle class life with my reasonably well to do parents blows SOOOOOO much wahhhhhh wahhhhhhh Lemme actually read it.. Speed read speed read speed read Yep, thats exactly what it reads. Ok, The fact that his mom drank to much puts him in the vast majority catagory of people. His dad seems great He cant get a girl cos hes a social leper and the fact thet he wrote the previous two paragraphs about his parent smeans he pretty much blames them. Suck it the fuck up boy, your 19, 19 year olds are angsty hormone ridden assholes who emotianlaly dont know their arses from their elbows. and number 3, of fucking course you empathise, I empathise, we all fucking empathhise because the whine whine whine of the OP is teeange bullshit angst that we all went through. Its not special, its not even fucking interesting after the millionth fucking gay post about in in this forum. FUCK Kids, Fucking die. Which brings me back to my origional point nicly. ( I didnt spellcheck, Blow me)
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Anonymous #1 |
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Wow. I wish i was considered middle class. I'm technically improvised you dumbshit. Dont take your problems out on me, the day i off my self i wont be going alone, I'll be taking as many people like you with me as i can. This is far from normal teenage angst if you lived with the flashbacks and memories i relive every day you'd be borderline insane too. Maybe its you who is tired of middle class. I didden't even make enough money to be required to file my taxes. let alone feed myself well. my mother is shit, and thats all she will be, she wrote me a letting on how awful i son i was, and that i should apologize and come back to her. She fails to admit her wrongs. my father is cool and all, but ever day, a few times a day he goes back in "vietnam mode" and i cant even talk to him when he's like that. he flips and thinks every ones out to get him, he's pulled a gun on me thinking i was a gook way to many times man. he apologizes for it every time. but still. you try to live with that. Your probly one of those nasty little fucks who fight in packs, not strong enough to defend your self on your own, need 4-5 people to be at your back. worthless. No matter how badly i feel. i'll never submit to scum like you. be happy i don't know who you are or ware you live. love and happyness is wasted on trash like you. While people who would appreciated it, love it, and respect it and let alone in the dark. I hope the darkness of the karma that follows you consumes your very being. when you are stripped to nothing and humbled by events beyond your control, you ask for help just like me.
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Anonymous #6 |
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At least you recognize your problems OP. You could be like this cunt.... You've got a long and fulfilling life ahead. Keep trying to succeed.
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Anonymous #5 |
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Actually Im pretty happy and married, I wanst into fighting and was always the type of guy to fight my own battles. Always thaough gangs were pussies as they never had the balls to take you on one-on-one.
My mom and dad divorced this year after a long loveless marrige. Shes been an alcoholic my whole life and my sister wont speak to her beacuse of the e-mails she sends when shes pissed. I did get into fights when I was a kid cos I was so messed up. At many point of my life I literally had no shoes and my parents didnt seem to care or even notice. I lived in a well to do neighbourhood but I was piss poor. I hate everyone In my old neighbourhood and first level school for not calling social services. I shoudl also mention that for nearly 20 years A day didnt go by when I wasnt stoned, Thats about the same length of time you've been alive. And this is my point, I understand, we all fucking understand. Practically eveyone had a shitty childhood. The vast majority of parents are useless assholes. If your parents didnt fuck you up badly you're one of the lucky few. Trust me, at 19 you know fuckall but the sooner you realise your not unique or special and the world hasnt in fact delt you a bum card the better. You can choose to get the fuck over it or let it eat you up inside. I have a great relationship with my parents beacuse I forgave them for being fuckups. They were both products of their own upbringing and I work to break that cycle in me and my kids, though its hard, my wife points out shit I do that I hated about my parents, shes my fucking ROCK she is.
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Anonymous #1 |
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fucking hypocrite. You went though pretty much the same, though all turned out well in the end for you didn't it? I dont see things turning out good for me anytime soon. If even an ounce of your story is true you'd do best to bite your tongue and apologize. I don't care what you or anyone thinks, I know that if i chose to live I WILL BE A BETTER MAN THEN YOU! That is if i chose to live. but for right now, i dont see a reason. What am i working for? money? worthless paper? I have no one to love, and pour all my time and effort into, and without that life is pretty much a waste for me. chew on that asshole.
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Anonymous #1 |
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There it is again, another wave of sadness...
Sadness for the brothers and sisters i have lost. Sadness for the things i have lived though sadness for the things i will never have. Another person took advantage of me again.. Made me feel awful. She was pretty too. My buddies grandpa told me and him That " it has better to have loved and lost then it is to have not known at all" I feel that a person (such as me, one who does not understand or know love) are the only people who can truly understand this quote. MY best friends response was "man, i wish i didden't meet the little skank int he first place" while i remained silent and pondered the thought, by the end of the day, it was circling my head over and over... that was a week ago, maybe two. and still today i ponder the thought, as it was just uttered from the old mans lips. People say that it is human to put down an animal- lets say a dog if it gets a terminal condition, they are broken so to speak. I am broken, mind body and spirit i am broken. Would it not be humane to end my suffering? Or would it be selfish? To project my sadness onto the few i know and love, but see for them it will be temporary, i will be forgotten eventually and life will resume. Is it more selfish of them to allow me too feel this way? no, its my fault. my own.. Only in this moment of insanity have i been able to gain the true calmness to debate my own death with a level head. Do i want to die? No i want to live! i want to LIVE! and experience ultimate joy and happiness. but this pain that i feel right now is so overwhelming that my passing seems like a sweet release. I say this while looking down the barrel of a usp .45 Do i really want to end it now? or should i hold out? a side thought-the spinning pattern inside the barrel look indefinite to me. The soft music in the background keeps my calm Yppah-Again with the subtitles. i ask all of you who will read this, Should this be my last miserable night in this vessel? In this tainted body.. Should i set my spirit free? to wander like the nomads of ancient earth.. Or should i hold on just a little longer, in hopes i find what will give me purpose to live on and fight once again..
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Anonymous #7 |
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Only 19? Your life is just beginning! It's too early to even be thinking of quitting the game!
We all get depressed sometimes, but usually it's no reason to throw your life away. I think you should try to make some new friends. Find a new social group. What are you currently doing with your life? Work? School? Dealing? Sitting at home? You should be doing something worthwhile with you life. Do something that makes you happy. If you're not in school, maybe it's something to think about? You could choose a career that you actually like? Can't get a girl? So, what! Girls are trouble, anyway. The key to finding love is to not look for it, but let it find you.
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Anonymous #1 |
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I'm a computer tech. i hate my job (not my actual job but the place i work in) they force me to look act and speak like them. thats not me, the forced me to remove my piercings and hide my tattoos...i hate that place... but its my only source.. You could say i deal here and there. but i'm sure we all have. I want to goto college man... but the $$ that i dont have keeps me from going. Its a cycle man...
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