during a conversation with my mother, we we're talking about the way i am, and how she has been worried about me. this is nothing new, she had been saying thing like this since i was a kid. and then she brought up this: "you were never like this when you were little.... it all seemed to change when you were at age four or so, etc,etc."
and this got me thinking what could have changed in my life. then i remembered what had happened. at an age when none of us knew of anything sexual, i was molested by my brother and his best friend who were 6 at the time. that was when my life changed; it still had a huge impact on my psyche. slowly, i became anti-social, clinically depressed, developed anger issues, schizophrenic, and a lot of other horribly unpleasant things. it completely ruined my life. it was a damn butterfly effect. upon this realization, i made a conscience decision to murder them. in revenge. I'm in such a fucking mess after this memory. i just want to slit my throat and bash my head through every damn window in my fucking house. but no. now i have a reason to continue living. how the fuck do you fix a life time of fucking mental insanity? you can not. nobody can. i will never know how it feels to be happy, and express love. so is this radical or wrong? if you could even think of saying yes, then YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE HOW THE FUCK IT FEELS TO HAVE YOUR ENTIRE FUTURE STOLEN FROM YOU. my life has been a living hell, and i found out why. is it going to change what has happened? no. is it going to make me feel better? yes. i don't fucking care if i get arrested, or killed after this. if i go to prison, I'll break my own neck. all i care about now is killing them, no matter the cost. nothing else fucking matters.
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