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Sucks being a 2-woman Man.
    #10903719 -

This is a reoccurring cycle.

It's been going on since I Was a teen, back when my wife was my GF. I
I've been married for 11 years and with the same girl for 14 years.

My wife says there is ALWAYS "the other woman".

She said she just expects it nowadays. Some woman comes along, whether it be from work, social circles, etc., and suddenly they have my attention. I become intrigued, interested, almost entrapped. Seems I go with the flow of every woman that shows interest in me.

At times, there were some that became extremely close to me. I was in college with a girl who happened to have the same birthday(birth year too) as me, and we got along great. She was married, and her and her husband became friends with me and my wife. Even then, one day she came to me crying saying she felt bad because when her Grandfather died, the only person she wanted to talk to was me, and that we were too close and we had to back off of our friendship. Eventually we all grew apart.

Another time, there was a plump little sicillian girl that I worked with. I was new in town, and new at the office. I relocated my whole family for this job. I didn't know anyone. Didn't know the area. I had to print a mapquest map to get to work, and one to get home and keep them with me everyday. So, this girl befriended me, helped me get some INs in the office and gave me a crash course of fortune 500 ettiquette etc. She and the wife actually hung out together a few times. She was even invited to a suprise birthday party of mine. She was great, I really had a lot of love for this girl.

There have been countless others over the years. But, never have I ever been innapropriate with any of them. I have always been cordial, a gentleman, and respectful. Never was there any touching, kissing or intimate contact of any kind.

The wife has always 'put up' with this kind of thing, and I never really understood it until I awoke to the idea of the way things were. It was after a few years of therapy, and I made a connection.

I was a kid in the late 70's and early 80's. My mother was on/off antidepressants. Trying one after the other. She was very sick. I was abused by her physically, emotionally and verbally. Not just incidentally, I'm talking like everyday. I could never do anything to make my mother happy, and she never spoke will of me when I was around others.

I kind of feel like, I grew up never having a mother and I have always used random females to fill that role for me.

One would think that a man's wife is the only woman he needs. Well, my wife has told me countless times that she will not be my Mother. I'm a grown man and the only person I need acceptance from is from myself.
Knowing this now, and seeing things for what they are, It makes it a little bit easier to deal with.

But, alas, now, another woman has entered my life who wants to be a teacher/mentor for me because she thinks I have potential for the field of interest at hand. She's about my age, single, somewhat attractive, very uplifting and a great wonderful person. She knows I'm married, and doesn't seem to mind. But, the problem is, once again, I really get great pleasure out of another woamn's company.

I feel a bit of guilt about it because my wife feels its unfair to her. I'm not sure if this is anything other than a confession, but I'm glad to get this out in the open so anyone could maybe help me out with this issue.

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Re: Sucks being a 2-woman Man. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #10909995 -

I can understand how jealousy would arise on your wifes behalf, even from personal experience.

However, it sounds like your wife is very insecure. I personally would not want to be in a relationship where i had to feel guilty about the time i spend with my friends.

Its perfectly normal to like having friends of both sexes and its reasonable to prefer friends of the opposite sex because of a variety of reasons. Myself, i prefer having female friends alot of the time...

The only problem is that your wife is insecure. There should be no issue with you having a friendship with a woman. IMO

So what are you going to do?


--------------------
GO OUTSIDE.

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Re: Sucks being a 2-woman Man. [Re: PDU]
    #10910056 -

Nice read, sound like a very nice movie :yesnod:


--------------------
What is a mind, if not something to be messed with? What is consciousness, if not a state to be altered?

~I Feel
:mushroom2:
at Home~

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. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #10910212 -

.

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Re: Sucks being a 2-woman Man. [Re: z_x_x_z]
    #10911538 -

Yeah, the wife seems to be the problem, but its a fairly normal problem.

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Re: Sucks being a 2-woman Man. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #10913441 -

I think from what OP described his wife doesn't sound too controlling.  He admits that he becomes a little infatuated with these new women, so saying it's just a friendship isn't really accurate.

I can understand the feeling.  For whatever reason I do find a lot of pleasure in meeting, talking to, flirting with multiple women.  I think in my case it's because I was a loner growing up so now that I'm more social I feel like I'm making up for lost time.

People are who they are.  It sounds like you enjoy forming bonds with women.  So you're a social butterfly.  It sounds like your wife is aware of this fact and has maybe accepted it.  As long as she understands your intentions with these women are innocent, you should drop the guilt and continue to do what makes you happy.

Does your wife suspect you have cheated on her?  She should know that you have a track record of keeping these relations without ever crossing the line.  In my opinion, she just has to accept that this is who you are.


--------------------
I spit reality, instead of what you usually learn
and I refuse to be concerned with condescending advice
cause I'm the only motherfucker that can change my life

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Re: Sucks being a 2-woman Man. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #10917356 -

I would agree with the others who have responded in that your wife is responding poorly. As PowerTrip mentioned, these relationships may be misrepresented, but I don't think very much. It sounds like they are not borderline cheats, which is really the clincher. I read in Psychology Today a few months ago in regard to friendships that opposite sex friendships typically do have a sexual dynamic to them, which I have always noticed in my own opposite sex friendships. With that in mind it seems as if your wife is insecure and almost greedy with the attention you dole out. I of course understand that she doesn't want you cheating on her but for her to expect you to only give affection to her is not right.

IMO if your partner doesn't get physically involved with other people and always comes back to you (meaning the mental part doesn't keep make them stray off) all is well. Relationships need a lot more room than they are typically allowed. It's really good that she hasn't made a big deal of it already, also.

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Re: Sucks being a 2-woman Man. [Re: fazdazzle]
    #10918632 -

I will not lie about the vibrations and sexual chemistry that exists with most of these women. The odd thig is, I don't necessarily discriminate superficially when it comes to this kind of dynamic.

When I was between the ages of 8 and 16, I had a mentor that lived down the street from my parents. I spent my summers there working for her, and learning life lessons along the way. Even thought she was my grandmother's age, there was still a feeling of attraction that existed. It was quite confusing and odd and one that I'd never dream of acting on. But since she was of the opposite sex, the feeling was there.

I think the sexual dynamic will always exist between friendships of the opposite sex nature. For one, I'd like to think that attraction will always exist, even if it's not mutual, it's inevitable that one person in the friendship will feel the emotions of attraction during some moments in the friendship.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I deny myself the pleasure of acquaintances and friendships often. The boundaries pretty much limit my involvement at work or an occasional work-lunch outing. If I have a choice for the moment, I always choose spending time with the wife. I don't necessarily like it this way, but it prevents issues in the relationship.

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Re: Sucks being a 2-woman Man. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #10919192 -

It just depends on which is more important to you.  :shrug:

If you have a good relationship I wouldn't leave it for a friendship, but you have to ask yourself why these trust issues are there.

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Re: Sucks being a 2-woman Man. [Re: xFrockx]
    #10922211 -

xFrockx said:
It just depends on which is more important to you.  :shrug:

If you have a good relationship I wouldn't leave it for a friendship, but you have to ask yourself why these trust issues are there.


It's not a matter of what's more important. This dynamic will always exist. Leaving the relationship should be the last option. always.

Now, the second part of your statement is actually logical. Are there trust issues? No. What are they? Worry? I'm superficially attractive, very young looking for my age, I take care of myself. Women notice me. The glances, advances and flirting get sidestepped. The wife knows that she has a hard working bread winner that's one hell of a husband and a father. I've never given her a reason to not trust me.

If anything, she knows she CAN trust me...

I suppose the issue is that my wife is greedy with me... she doesn't want to share me with anyone else in any manner.

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Re: Sucks being a 2-woman Man. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #10922510 -

"It's not a matter of what's more important. This dynamic will always exist. Leaving the relationship should be the last option. always."

It won't always exist.  Not all girls are jealous and lack trust.  If she has any question you won't be faithful, then she isn't completely trusting.  This is not hard at all to grasp, you might just be blinded by pussy or something.  Don't think it can't happen to you.  If you have a dick, it can.

Edited by xFrockx (08/23/09 08:26 PM)

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Re: Sucks being a 2-woman Man. [Re: xFrockx]
    #10926016 -

Quote:
I suppose the issue is that my wife is greedy with me... she doesn't want to share me with anyone else in any manner.


If she was less greedy, would that make the relationship more or less fulfilling?


--------------------
rahz

comfort pleasure power love     truth awareness peace I am      I feel      I do     I love  I speak    I see    I know

why there is reality and patterned, law-like consistency at all, rather than noise or non-reality is not a question physics answers. It's a question physics presupposes an answer to in order to provide other answers.

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Re: Sucks being a 2-woman Man. [Re: Rahz]
    #10926341 -

to me, confidence is attractive, less greedyness = more confidence. I want to be attracted to my woman as in indivdiual, not a counterpart fulfilling a role. Being her own person, depending upon me less, would result in a more independant, confident, attractive woman.

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Re: Sucks being a 2-woman Man. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #10926456 -

:thumbup:

But you have entertained the dependence to some extent no?


--------------------
rahz

comfort pleasure power love     truth awareness peace I am      I feel      I do     I love  I speak    I see    I know

why there is reality and patterned, law-like consistency at all, rather than noise or non-reality is not a question physics answers. It's a question physics presupposes an answer to in order to provide other answers.

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Re: Sucks being a 2-woman Man. [Re: Rahz]
    #10926465 -

In the beginning, it was neat having a pet. Now that kids are in the picture, there's no longer room for that role.

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Re: Sucks being a 2-woman Man. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #10926642 -

Women really want to know that they are loved, but they don't really want to be supplicated. It was ever so, minus that pesky ego. Are your legs strong enough to wade through her ego, and is it really what you want to do?

Of course, she must meet you halfway, but I think it's worth mentioning that you should be sure of yourself, and what you want, before having that conversation.


--------------------
rahz

comfort pleasure power love     truth awareness peace I am      I feel      I do     I love  I speak    I see    I know

why there is reality and patterned, law-like consistency at all, rather than noise or non-reality is not a question physics answers. It's a question physics presupposes an answer to in order to provide other answers.

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Re: Sucks being a 2-woman Man. [Re: Rahz]
    #10926722 -

for so many years of accepting her for who I saw, I don't know that I can even begin to learn who she truly is.

If starting over would be an option, I would be all for it, however, in every argument, my past is dredged up and dangled in front of me as it's dead, decaying embodyment of past existence if dripping and oozing all over my freshly painted ego.

Starting over would be nice, if at all possible.

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Re: Sucks being a 2-woman Man. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #10927658 -

I hear ya. Have you tried helping her with it? :lol: I mean, If you can get her to vent with you, instead of about you, that cold side of her may have a change of heart. If the past was you entertaining her as a pet, she probably feels obligated to continue in that role, and at the same time she would want to break out of it, and this desire is coming through with the blame game. Being a bitch and calling you out on all these things in the past seems to be her attempt to not be the pet anymore.


--------------------
rahz

comfort pleasure power love     truth awareness peace I am      I feel      I do     I love  I speak    I see    I know

why there is reality and patterned, law-like consistency at all, rather than noise or non-reality is not a question physics answers. It's a question physics presupposes an answer to in order to provide other answers.

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Re: Sucks being a 2-woman Man. [Re: Rahz]
    #10941382 -

Do you have any (or many) close female friends?  It sounds to me like these relationships are mainly about having a close non-sexual female friendship, which is understandable and valuable.  It sucks that your wife is threatened by any other woman getting close to you, but it's understandable given that you started out in high school and neither of you have been single as adults.

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Re: Sucks being a 2-woman Man. [Re: urbanfarmer]
    #10941661 -

No. I don't have any female friends anymore. I eventually grew tired of dealing with my wife's issues with it.

Sometimes At work, I will go to lunch with these three older ladies (20+ years older than me) and we will have an extended lunch and chat, eat, drink wine and smoke. That's about the extent of any friends.

The ironic aspect of having a woman friend or two on the side, is that it makes getting along with my wife so much easier. It's like, It makes our time together more worthwhile, I'm much happier to be around her. Since I've essentially made myself 'not' get into any more female companionship situations, I've come to pretty much feel resentful of my wife. I don't really get any stimulating attention from her, and since I have no female friends, I don't get it at all.

If she's not busy doing laundry, or involved with our Son, she's watching Television. If I can get a moment alone, she starts an argument.

Last night, after her cousin left, after we cleaned teh kitchen, after I made sure the kid did his homework, and gave him a bath. I asked her to sit on the couch with me and watch Rescue Me. About 15 minutes into it, she starts an argument, and then expects me to go to bed with her and cuddle.

I've even at times, completely refused to argue with her, and then she treats me like shit until I get mad enough to argue. Nothing is ever settled or reconciled in the arugments either. They are always pointless. She will bring up shit I said from YEARS ago to defend her points.

Then, there are always moments where she has these feelings that I'm doing something behind her back. It creates a lot of anxiety for me. Like, last weekend, I had a class at a studio, and the owner wanted to talk to some of the long time members of the studio about changing directions with the business, so I stayed after for an extra hour. And when I called her and told her I Was running late, she gave me that "Oh really? Were you at your girlfriends house?" ...

It gets old.

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