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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: slacker008]
    #9628398 -

I didn't say that.  All I know about it is what's in your post.  And all you describe is how disappointing this relationship is to you.  What do you expect me to say?  It sounds like you believe the relationship would be fine if you changed nothing and she changed about fifty things. If that's is the case, you should move on because this is the wrong girl.  If not, why not consider more closely your own contribution to the relationship?  Just trying to be logical here, if you just want to gripe then just ignore all advice you get.


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Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:

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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #9628415 -

I cant help but think that it is her because I have been changing the whole time. I bend almost to the point of breaking to try to make her happy but it never works for longer than a few days.

I dont know what else to do. The first culprit i look at is myself, in all bad situations. It isnt as though the relationship is disappointing, all in all. I just think that it hurts me almost as often as is makes me happy.

She hurts my feelings when she doesnt act like I exist. It tears me up when she is mean to me for no reason. It agitates me when she doesnt show initiative of her own, tries to tell me my initiative is pointless and acts like Im not attracive. On the flipside, when she does encourage me, I feel fantastic. When she acts like im attractive, I feel great.

The main point is that I feel bad more than good and I wish that her and I would be happy more often and I guess I feel a sense of disappointment when she acts like my efforts dont matter, or doesnt show effort in the relationship.

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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: slacker008]
    #9628418 -

From what it seems, it's like you both don't have a real connection with each other. You both seem like completely different people and neither of you complete each other. Usually at the one year mark it's either going strong, lots of communication, lots of passion, lots of love for one another, lots of support, or there is absolutely none of that and the initial spark never seemed to ignite in the first place. I would just suggest being honest with her, like you were with us. Ask her how she feels about you. Ask her if she's happy with you.  It seems like you definitely want more than what she's giving you. So unless she's willing to take the next step and grow up, there might be no solution than confrontation.

When you confront a woman about the status of your relationship there are usually two outcomes to the end. 1. You guys stay together and work together like you should have in the first place. As well as find a new meaning with each other that wasn't there. OR 2. Break up and realize you two never really synchronized. Relationships are hard(more so at a young age when people are still trying to find themselves) and i'm sure there is a lot going on in her head as well. Without communication who's to know what the other is thinking?  You don't have to jump in without thinking about all of this. Give it a week, think about what i've said. Observe how she acts and responds to your actions. Don't be a dick to her purposely because you feel off. Just go with the flow and by next week you should figure out if you want to confront her. Be prepared for defensive pmsing, avoiding the subject, etc. Express politely how you feel and be mature about it. She kinda still seems to be naive so you might have to be the adult in this situation. Good luck and if you have any other questions feel free to ask.

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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: jvm]
    #9628444 -

Thank you for the constructive critique of the situation, jvm. I appreciate your viewpoint. I think I will take your advice and give it a week and see where things go. I do try to go out of my way not to be a dick but, like what happened about 30 minutes ago. Sometimes, when she acts mean towards me, its like the straw that breaks the camels back. Theres only so much I can take before I call my limit and snap back..

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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: slacker008]
    #9628734 -

if its like you say now - its highly unlikely that anythings going to change in the long term.


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GO OUTSIDE.

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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: slacker008]
    #9628815 -

I too am involved in a similar situation, although instead of expecting her to change, I have attempted to be patient and loving to her needs.
It still isn't working, and I have decided to end it, though it hurts like hell.
I have an even smaller time frame, which is just damn depressing.
Anyway, my biggest flaw I guess, was always hoping it would get better. I still desperately wonder if I am doing the right thing. But that is part of the illusion/addiction with her.
Every time she hurts me, I know it isn't right. :shrug:


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Goodbye Shroomery.

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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: slacker008]
    #9628843 -

slacker008 said:
Thank you for the constructive critique of the situation, jvm. I appreciate your viewpoint. I think I will take your advice and give it a week and see where things go. I do try to go out of my way not to be a dick but, like what happened about 30 minutes ago. Sometimes, when she acts mean towards me, its like the straw that breaks the camels back. Theres only so much I can take before I call my limit and snap back..


I know i totally understand. I know she's mainly in the wrong here. I guess that's the idea for talking to her and basically giving her your view of things and you should also ask for her view of things as well.  I know we all have our breaking points and i guess you can snap back but what i meant by not being a dick is like. Making her feel bad for no reason and i don't assume you even do that. Just with regards to the situation it seems shes making you bitter towards her. That's all i meant by not being a dick. You should always stand your ground, just know the limit so you don't make her go off on you even more.

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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: jvm]
    #9628933 -

It seems to me, that her behavior never changed.  Your attitude to her behavior did.  You mentioned in your first post, that the things she does just recently started to bug you.  How is this poor girl to understand this?  I mean, for a year her behavior was ok with you, and now you suddenly don't like the way she acts.  You want an out, just be upfront with her and tell her that.  Sometimes people suddenly see faults in their partner to justify leaving.  Why not just realize you are ready for a change and let that be that.

If you want to stay with the relationship for real, then man up and tell her the way you feel and what you want.  Either way, take action and do it totally, not half-arsed.  Good luck in whatever path you choose. :sun:


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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: sunflower]
    #9629765 -

again. i have told her how i feel. as i said, it improves for a few days, then defaults back to this.


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..beneath the chaos of the world, all is secretly well..

Rebuilding my DNA.

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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: slacker008]
    #9672664 -

I think you and I both know, to some level, this relationship isn't working.  What does your gut tell you?  Listen to it, bro.

Are you happier in this relationship that you would be outside of it?  Can you see yourself getting married to her?  Do you find yourself happy with how things are more than you are frustrated or hurt?  If you're tempted to say no to any question, you need to get out.  I don't think it's a matter of time because you can't change people.  You just can't.

You can and will find someone who appreciates you more, is hotter, more ambitious, and falls head over heels to make you happy.  Strike while the iron's hot.  If it's hard now, it's going to be fucking impossible in another year or two.  And where will you be then?

Life is too short to be in an unhappy relationships.  Even more so if it's one that drags you down, holds you back, and makes you compromise what you really desire.  Every one will have its ups and downs, but I don't see anything from what you've described to make this worth salvaging.

DTMFA!


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Proud supporter of the canning jar industry.

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