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Invisibleslacker008
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Relationship Woes.
    #9626907 - 01/17/09 03:40 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

I just "celebrated" my year anniversary with my live-in girlfriend. We have our ups and our downs but within the last few days I have become more acutely aware of the things that bother me about her.

I am big on the little things. The small, every day things that someone does to show they care about a person. Grabbing a coke on the way home for your partner when you know there are no cokes at home, offering a cigarette when the partner doesnt have any at the time, covering the partner up with a blanket if they fall asleep on the couch, being generally mindful of the other persons welfare, you know?

Within the past couple days I have noticed a lack of these things. It isnt as if she had been doing them and suddenly stopped. I suppose I just looked over the fact that they were absent. I think it started when, the other night, we were trying to stay up overnight because we had to get up early to take my dog in to get neutered. I fell asleep on the couch. She, shortly after, went to bed. It was effing freezing in the house and she left the blanket she was using while she sat in front of the TV on the floor. Didnt even bother to notice that I was curled up, cold as hell.

Its this kind of thing that makes me feel awfully neglected.  Not to mention her lack of sex drive, which she blames on her birth control. I asked her, recently, to check and see about another birth control type that had a less adverse reaction so that our sex life improved. I even texted her on her way to the appointment to remind her. And she never asked. She simply didnt ask.

Semester starts soon for me so I have been trying to get to bed earlier and wake up earlier so as to not have early morning classes be such a shock to my system when they start in a few days. Knowing that, she was up till 6am doing laundry, which is in a separate building in our complex. Being that our area isnt the best in town, i feel a need to walk with her. Just in case. I didnt get to bed till 6:30. Woke up at 3pm when i wanted to be awake at 9am. Took my dog for a pee. And when she got up, she got on my case for not taking her dog out, when she knows her dog refuses to pee when I walk him. When her dog indicates it needs out, she always has an excuse to wait and procrastinate taking it outside. She smokes a cigarette, needs to put pants on, or is doing something else that could easily be dropped for a second while the dog whines. So, in response, about 3 times a week the dog shits or pisses in the house. She then complains about our carpet being ruined. My dog is less than one year old, so he has accidents. So when I mention that he shits or pees on the floor because she doesnt take him out when needed, she gets on my case about the rare times my dog has an accident. And whoa, if I tell her that her dog needs to go out, she gets a pissy tone and says "I know! Let me smoke my cigarette first!"

Everything is turned on me. She is rarely to never at fault.

She procrastinates when I am a person of impatience and action. She cant stand visiting my mother, who is getting older, while I go with her to visit her family fairly often.

Whereas I make it a point to try to look nice, even sexy, at least a few times a week just so I feel attractive to her, the only times she really dresses up, puts on make up or generally tries to look attractive, is when events are taking place, such as she goes to class (in a different university than me), is visiting her friends or family. Never, really, just for me. Mix that with the fact that, for a couple in our early/mid 20's, our sex life is about twice or three times a week, I wind up feeling like she doesnt even want me, or care about my attraction to her. Or vice versa.

I really dont know what to do. It seems like she has just gotten "too comfortable" with me around and it has gotten to the point where it feels like she doesnt even care sometimes. I think she does love me, but sometimes she doesnt show it in her actions. And like i said, I am a man who looks out for the little things. She recently has picked up that my mood has shifted. I zone out sometimes, or come back at her. Im getting tired of the frustrations that come with the "her way or the highway" deal we seem to have. She isnt aware that I gave up a very happy life living alone as a student on my way to becoming a doctor so that I could try to make a life with her. She seems to block out the fact that in the move to our new apartment, I lost a great deal of property and money. That I spend more money on our new place than I ever have because I wanted to give her a place with enough room for us to live happily. She wanted a gym, i got her a place with a gym. But for what? When do I get to be treated like I am the center of her universe for once?

I know this sounds like rambling, but I honestly needed to vent. I would appreciate any advice you all have to give, but please, I am already weighing the options of breaking up. Which I dont want to do because we seem to be happy sometimes. She loves me, I can tell most of the time. And yes, I have tried talking to her about these things I am telling you now. And when I do, things improve for a little while, but it seems as though they always default back into this state of being too comfortable.

Sorry for the rant.

Edited by slacker008 (01/17/09 03:48 PM)

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InvisibleAroundtheSon
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: slacker008]
    #9626992 - 01/17/09 03:56 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

After you spend a while with a girl, the infatuation dies down, and you are left with the brutal honesty that is life.

If you don't like the way you are being treated, then you know what you need to do.

I went through almost the same thing recently, and though it was hard, I feel I am in a better place now. It's nice to have the "comfort" of a woman, but at the same time, if it's more trouble than its worth ..... :shrug: and you deserve better :shrug:

Just don't do anything really rash. It could be your mood or something. But, if this has been going on for a while, then drop her.

Do you want me to tell you what you refuse to hear? :heartpump:

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Invisibleslacker008
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: AroundtheSon]
    #9627077 - 01/17/09 04:11 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

I have tried weighing the pros and cons out, and its always one sided. The thing is, I dont want to end it, then wind up regretting it.

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Invisibledr_gonz

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. [Re: slacker008]
    #9627410 - 01/17/09 05:05 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

.

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Invisibleslacker008
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: dr_gonz]
    #9627692 - 01/17/09 06:01 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

Its just gotten to the point where I want to be happy and I know it now. And she seems just dead set in remaining stagnant. 5 years. Feh. She doesnt even make new years resolutions, let alone a 5 year plan.

Ugh. Today has been the worst of it.

edit: I seriously dont get it. Shes been quiet, distant and in a crappy fucking mood all day. I ask her to talk about it and she wont. She gets mad at everything and I catch the rebound of it. Making me feel like shit today.


--------------------
..beneath the chaos of the world, all is secretly well..

Rebuilding my DNA.

Edited by slacker008 (01/17/09 06:15 PM)

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Invisibledr_gonz

Registered: 08/18/03
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. [Re: slacker008]
    #9627774 - 01/17/09 06:20 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

.

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InvisibleAroundtheSon
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: dr_gonz]
    #9627789 - 01/17/09 06:22 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

dr_gonz said:
dude, I'm not trying to be a dick, but is there any chance she could be cheating? Those are some tell tale symptoms.




or she's just not that into you.

or she's not good enough for you.

it's a hard pill to swallow, but after digestion, you feel great!

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Invisibleslacker008
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: AroundtheSon]
    #9627823 - 01/17/09 06:29 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

AroundtheSon said:
Quote:

dr_gonz said:
dude, I'm not trying to be a dick, but is there any chance she could be cheating? Those are some tell tale symptoms.




or she's just not that into you.

or she's not good enough for you.

it's a hard pill to swallow, but after digestion, you feel great!




Im terrible with break ups. Let alone having to break up and move out. I blew money coming into this apartment with her. If I move out, I dont even know if I could find a place to live.

If anything, its that she isnt good enough for me. I dont want to sound egotistical, but I am a good looking guy. I have dated some really hot women in my time. And she isnt one of the hottest at all. That isnt to say I am not attracted to her, I think shes sexy, especially when she makes herself look nice, but most of the time.. she doesnt. Not to mention the way she treats me and the way she lives. Im on my way to becoming a doctor, and she doesnt even know what she wants to do when she graduates college.

Quote:

dr_gonz said:
dude, I'm not trying to be a dick, but is there any chance she could be cheating? Those are some tell tale symptoms.




Maybe, but its a small chance. Shes a homebody, and I almost always have a track on what shes up to. So, possible? Yes. Probable? I dunno.

Edited by slacker008 (01/17/09 06:34 PM)

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Invisibledr_gonz

Registered: 08/18/03
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. [Re: slacker008]
    #9627832 - 01/17/09 06:30 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

.

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Invisibleslacker008
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: dr_gonz]
    #9627837 - 01/17/09 06:31 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

dr_gonz said:
she sounds like a typical, miserable american brat. you have my deepest sympathy.

if you aren't happy find a way to move on. any way.




Im trying to find a cosigner for a student loan so I will have the finances to find a place to live should I have to move out.


--------------------
..beneath the chaos of the world, all is secretly well..

Rebuilding my DNA.

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Invisibleslacker008
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: slacker008]
    #9627882 - 01/17/09 06:43 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

Ive begun working out to get in shape and feel better about myself and my looks. Plus, I think ill be sexier if I do.

She said this just now "See, I could work out, but eh.."

Its like..dude. What the fuck.

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OfflineJeebies
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: slacker008]
    #9627932 - 01/17/09 06:55 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

You just gotta suck it up and find a new girl.

Now, if I could just follow my own advice...

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Invisibleslacker008
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: Jeebies]
    #9627958 - 01/17/09 07:01 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Jeebies said:
You just gotta suck it up and find a new girl.

Now, if I could just follow my own advice...




Heh. Harder than it sounds.

Quote:

dr_gonz said:
what was her point? what does she look like?

her attitude blows, dude.




Her point? I dont know. Maybe that she doesnt feel like working out or getting in shape. As far as what she looks like, be more specific?

I know her attitude blows. Im trying to improve my own attitude because it use to be worse than hers. It frustrates me because attitudes are contagious.

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InvisibleWhiskeyClone
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: slacker008]
    #9628144 - 01/17/09 07:31 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

:ohwell:

It sounds to me like you are most concerned with what she is supposed to supply you with as your partner.  Your post reads as a long list of changes she has to make to her behavior in order for you to accept her.  Doesn't really sound like love to me.  She's probably feeling the same way about you.  I think aroundtheson is right: the infatuation has worn off and there is nothing left.  Just two people trying to get good feelings for themselves out of this relationship.

Quote:

She isnt aware that I gave up a very happy life living alone as a student on my way to becoming a doctor so that I could try to make a life with her.




Go back to it.  This won't work.


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:

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Invisibleslacker008
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #9628267 - 01/17/09 07:53 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

WhiskeyClone said:
:ohwell:

It sounds to me like you are most concerned with what she is supposed to supply you with as your partner.  Your post reads as a long list of changes she has to make to her behavior in order for you to accept her.  Doesn't really sound like love to me.  She's probably feeling the same way about you.  I think aroundtheson is right: the infatuation has worn off and there is nothing left.  Just two people trying to get good feelings for themselves out of this relationship.

Quote:

She isnt aware that I gave up a very happy life living alone as a student on my way to becoming a doctor so that I could try to make a life with her.




Go back to it.  This won't work.




So Im being too demanding and selfish, is what your saying? Wow. I appreciate that. I suppose you wouldnt mind it if all of these things happened to you.

My bad, I suppose I should stop being so self-centered.

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Invisibleslacker008
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: slacker008]
    #9628336 - 01/17/09 08:11 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

I guess it shows my expectations are too high from what happened just a second ago. Her computer starts messing up and I ask her if her computer normally took as long as it was to shut down. She snapped at me and told me Ive been being mean to her. She snapped at ME when I asked a simple question because she was upset her internet wasnt working. I asked her what she did prior to her internet failing and she said I was accusing her of fucking it up when I was just trying to zero in on the problem. Now she took off to our room, slammed the door and is taking a shower. Now I feel bad for coming back at her when she snapped at me.

When she snapped at me, I came back at her angrily and told her that shit was uncalled for.

I guess being yelled at for no reason is normal.


--------------------
..beneath the chaos of the world, all is secretly well..

Rebuilding my DNA.

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Invisibledr_gonz

Registered: 08/18/03
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. [Re: slacker008]
    #9628352 - 01/17/09 08:13 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

.

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Invisibleslacker008
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: dr_gonz]
    #9628360 - 01/17/09 08:16 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

dr_gonz said:
marry her




Honestly, those television shows on basic cable, prime time. They upset me. They strike a nerve having me thinking that the way that shit is, with the guy being emasculated and treated like the working dog of the family. It makes me ill.

I guess my ideals for relationships are just too lofty, like that other guy said. I expect too much, maybe.

And now I am left feeling bad about the whole damn thing.

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Invisibledr_gonz

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. [Re: slacker008]
    #9628373 - 01/17/09 08:19 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

.

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Invisibleslacker008
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: dr_gonz]
    #9628385 - 01/17/09 08:24 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

To be brutally honest, it isnt masochistic. I think its more fear. If not fear, then something close to it.

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InvisibleWhiskeyClone
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: slacker008]
    #9628398 - 01/17/09 08:27 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

I didn't say that.  All I know about it is what's in your post.  And all you describe is how disappointing this relationship is to you.  What do you expect me to say?  It sounds like you believe the relationship would be fine if you changed nothing and she changed about fifty things. If that's is the case, you should move on because this is the wrong girl.  If not, why not consider more closely your own contribution to the relationship?  Just trying to be logical here, if you just want to gripe then just ignore all advice you get.


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:

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Invisibleslacker008
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #9628415 - 01/17/09 08:31 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

I cant help but think that it is her because I have been changing the whole time. I bend almost to the point of breaking to try to make her happy but it never works for longer than a few days.

I dont know what else to do. The first culprit i look at is myself, in all bad situations. It isnt as though the relationship is disappointing, all in all. I just think that it hurts me almost as often as is makes me happy.

She hurts my feelings when she doesnt act like I exist. It tears me up when she is mean to me for no reason. It agitates me when she doesnt show initiative of her own, tries to tell me my initiative is pointless and acts like Im not attracive. On the flipside, when she does encourage me, I feel fantastic. When she acts like im attractive, I feel great.

The main point is that I feel bad more than good and I wish that her and I would be happy more often and I guess I feel a sense of disappointment when she acts like my efforts dont matter, or doesnt show effort in the relationship.

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Offlinejvm
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: slacker008]
    #9628418 - 01/17/09 08:32 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

From what it seems, it's like you both don't have a real connection with each other. You both seem like completely different people and neither of you complete each other. Usually at the one year mark it's either going strong, lots of communication, lots of passion, lots of love for one another, lots of support, or there is absolutely none of that and the initial spark never seemed to ignite in the first place. I would just suggest being honest with her, like you were with us. Ask her how she feels about you. Ask her if she's happy with you.  It seems like you definitely want more than what she's giving you. So unless she's willing to take the next step and grow up, there might be no solution than confrontation.

When you confront a woman about the status of your relationship there are usually two outcomes to the end. 1. You guys stay together and work together like you should have in the first place. As well as find a new meaning with each other that wasn't there. OR 2. Break up and realize you two never really synchronized. Relationships are hard(more so at a young age when people are still trying to find themselves) and i'm sure there is a lot going on in her head as well. Without communication who's to know what the other is thinking?  You don't have to jump in without thinking about all of this. Give it a week, think about what i've said. Observe how she acts and responds to your actions. Don't be a dick to her purposely because you feel off. Just go with the flow and by next week you should figure out if you want to confront her. Be prepared for defensive pmsing, avoiding the subject, etc. Express politely how you feel and be mature about it. She kinda still seems to be naive so you might have to be the adult in this situation. Good luck and if you have any other questions feel free to ask.

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Invisibleslacker008
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: jvm]
    #9628444 - 01/17/09 08:38 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

Thank you for the constructive critique of the situation, jvm. I appreciate your viewpoint. I think I will take your advice and give it a week and see where things go. I do try to go out of my way not to be a dick but, like what happened about 30 minutes ago. Sometimes, when she acts mean towards me, its like the straw that breaks the camels back. Theres only so much I can take before I call my limit and snap back..

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OfflinePDU
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: slacker008]
    #9628734 - 01/17/09 09:50 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

if its like you say now - its highly unlikely that anythings going to change in the long term.


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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: slacker008]
    #9628815 - 01/17/09 10:10 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

I too am involved in a similar situation, although instead of expecting her to change, I have attempted to be patient and loving to her needs.
It still isn't working, and I have decided to end it, though it hurts like hell.
I have an even smaller time frame, which is just damn depressing.
Anyway, my biggest flaw I guess, was always hoping it would get better. I still desperately wonder if I am doing the right thing. But that is part of the illusion/addiction with her.
Every time she hurts me, I know it isn't right. :shrug:


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Offlinejvm
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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: slacker008]
    #9628843 - 01/17/09 10:16 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

slacker008 said:
Thank you for the constructive critique of the situation, jvm. I appreciate your viewpoint. I think I will take your advice and give it a week and see where things go. I do try to go out of my way not to be a dick but, like what happened about 30 minutes ago. Sometimes, when she acts mean towards me, its like the straw that breaks the camels back. Theres only so much I can take before I call my limit and snap back..




I know i totally understand. I know she's mainly in the wrong here. I guess that's the idea for talking to her and basically giving her your view of things and you should also ask for her view of things as well.  I know we all have our breaking points and i guess you can snap back but what i meant by not being a dick is like. Making her feel bad for no reason and i don't assume you even do that. Just with regards to the situation it seems shes making you bitter towards her. That's all i meant by not being a dick. You should always stand your ground, just know the limit so you don't make her go off on you even more.

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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: jvm]
    #9628933 - 01/17/09 10:36 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

It seems to me, that her behavior never changed.  Your attitude to her behavior did.  You mentioned in your first post, that the things she does just recently started to bug you.  How is this poor girl to understand this?  I mean, for a year her behavior was ok with you, and now you suddenly don't like the way she acts.  You want an out, just be upfront with her and tell her that.  Sometimes people suddenly see faults in their partner to justify leaving.  Why not just realize you are ready for a change and let that be that.

If you want to stay with the relationship for real, then man up and tell her the way you feel and what you want.  Either way, take action and do it totally, not half-arsed.  Good luck in whatever path you choose. :sun:


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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: sunflower]
    #9629765 - 01/18/09 02:10 AM (15 years, 2 months ago)

again. i have told her how i feel. as i said, it improves for a few days, then defaults back to this.


--------------------
..beneath the chaos of the world, all is secretly well..

Rebuilding my DNA.

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Re: Relationship Woes. [Re: slacker008]
    #9672664 - 01/24/09 07:03 PM (15 years, 2 months ago)

I think you and I both know, to some level, this relationship isn't working.  What does your gut tell you?  Listen to it, bro.

Are you happier in this relationship that you would be outside of it?  Can you see yourself getting married to her?  Do you find yourself happy with how things are more than you are frustrated or hurt?  If you're tempted to say no to any question, you need to get out.  I don't think it's a matter of time because you can't change people.  You just can't.

You can and will find someone who appreciates you more, is hotter, more ambitious, and falls head over heels to make you happy.  Strike while the iron's hot.  If it's hard now, it's going to be fucking impossible in another year or two.  And where will you be then?

Life is too short to be in an unhappy relationships.  Even more so if it's one that drags you down, holds you back, and makes you compromise what you really desire.  Every one will have its ups and downs, but I don't see anything from what you've described to make this worth salvaging.

DTMFA!


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