To stand on the edge of eternity
staring into the endless unknown, to be teetering back and forth contemplating a jump, contemplating a jump yet grinding sweaty palms against dirty finger nails, to turn around walk away would be the easier option, wouldn't it? you could listen to that voice inside of you,
calling you to something greater
to something bigger than yourself,
to something eternal
calling you to let go of the past, let go of everything you have ever built for YOURSELF and find what God has in store for you, but wouldn't it be easier to walk back to the life you once knew, to experience
the same pain, the same failure,
the same sensation of wandering? you have built a life for yourself based on this proverbial house of cards we call faith only to have it destroyed when grief overcomes us, when pain takes us back to this rock bottom, this cliff looming over the abyss, God calls you to be redefined, but at what cost? how do you let go of the pain?
Everything that grips us, Grips us for the lies we believe about it.
An alcoholic believes a lie about his alcohol that makes it so hard to let go. What is the lie we believe? what is the truth? Why is it so agonizing to let go of this life, of the plans that I have made for myself? As I lean towards the vast expanse of eternity, I feel a wind on my face, and not pushing me further in but pulling me back. It whispers to me, beckons me! This lie that I believe about my life, about what surrender truly means is keeping me back, I want to jump! Everything inside of me wants to jump, but my flesh! oh my flesh cries out! "Agony! Pain! Anguish! Loneliness! This is what is in store for you at the bottom of this cliff! there is no end to the pain! no end to the suffering! No one will follow!
you will dive in to the deep and hold your breathe. . only to find the surface frozen solid!"
I can feel myself stripped of all means to hold my composure, day after day, I lose more and more, until there is nothing left in myself to ease this pain, nothing left of this plan I had for myself, till there is nothing of ME left!
Crumpled and broken I will cry out to God
the only one who can help me now, to take this pain away or to make me WANT to leave this world behind, so I can finally JUMP! He does neither! If only He required less of a sacrifice! Surely He will not spit the luke-warm from his mouth! surely i am not against God if I am simply not for him! Alas, These are the lies born into my evil nature from the day I was conceived. And as I stand here, I do nothing to blink away the tears as they fall into eternity, I do nothing to swallow the knot in my throat as it swells threatening to choke me out, I can no longer clutch this broken host of flesh and bone, as it withers in my hands. and with blurred vision I look around and I realize that there are others lining this canyon, thousands of broken souls searching for something, gripping their earthly lives with every last ounce of strength their soul retains. If only one would jump, maybe then I would have the strength to follow. . but isn't that what everyone else is waiting for? and
If I go, who will follow?
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it took me along time to wright that...
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