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Loss of Attraction to GF
    #7752635 -

Over the course of the semester I had met this beautiful girl at my college who is absolutely the personality type I am interested in. I have been dating my girlfriend for a year plus now and didn't make any advance or anything because of that, but I had been really attracted to this new girl and found myself flirting with her a lot.

Sometimes I am really unhappy with my current relationship, namely the negativity that my girlfriend has most of the time, and because I dont really get along with most of her family. I find myself often  making comparisons between these two girls, and just thinking about the other girl a lot. Also, recently I have found myself very apathetic sexually, and actually most of the time have to fantasize during sex that my girlfriend is the other girl to even have sex with her :frown:.

I do love my current girlfriend and do not want to hurt her. She says that I am like the one reason for her happiness (shes got some depression problems), and I feel like it would fuck her up pretty bad if I left her. The other girl just got into a relationship too, and the semester ended so I dont even know if id ever be seeing her again, let alone get to tell her how I feel. I just dont know what to do anymore, Im afraid I wont regain my attraction to my current girlfriend, and feel like I missed out on a golden opportunity to be with a girl who I could be much happier in this life with :frown:

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Re: Loss of Attraction to GF [Re: Mickalopagus]
    #7752688 -

Honestly I don't see any reason why you should be with your current girlfriend anymore. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to her to continue this relationship. Two people should stay together because they love each other and because they love spending time with each other, manifesting their love and joy and experiencing that feeling of completeness.
Besides, sooner or later you will just have to do that... unless you're planning to spend your entire life being with somebody that you don't love but feel pity for. Do you want that? Do you want to lie to her like that, instead of having the decency of being honest with her and giving her the chance to find her happiness?
Neither of you will be happy like that. You for all the reasons you stated earlier, and she because she will most definitely feel there's something not right. You can't pretend to be loving to her all the time and even if she won't ask (especially that you say she has some depression problems), she will get more and more depressed at the thought that you might leave her. Why prologue all this agony?


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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Re: Loss of Attraction to GF [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7752736 -

Personally, I think that it is character-building and healthy to fall in love with many more women than you actually sleep with. These unconsumated relationships often turn into lifelong friendships that may have been ruined had you broken down and cheated.
That said, you sound like you're likely to end up settling into a monogomous relationship at some point forever, so yeah, dump the depressive chick and keep your mind open. Have a bit of fun during the college years.
While I am projecting a bit, perhaps it is helpful for you to know that I've felt the same way you do, and it's never easy to dump a girlfriend. Part of being a man is making these difficult and liberating decisions. I'm happily married now, by the way.

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Re: Loss of Attraction to GF [Re: monkeyheaven]
    #7752739 -

Quote:
Part of being a man is making these difficult and liberating decisions.


Part of being a man? :what:
You mean that only men can do that? :shocked:


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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Re: Loss of Attraction to GF [Re: Mickalopagus]
    #7752764 -

mickdawg666 said:
do love my current girlfriend and do not want to hurt her. She says that I am like the one reason for her happiness (shes got some depression problems), and I feel like it would fuck her up pretty bad if I left her.


I was in a situation like that, and I stayed in it way longer than I should have. I was afraid of what would happen if I left; she was so fragile. Seeing her upset just broke my heart every time. Eventually I did cut her loose, and it was difficult and painful, I felt like a villain. But god what a tremendous relief it was... I realized then that it was wrong of me to stay when I knew I didn't really want to be with her. If you don't want to be with her, it's no good for either of you for you to stay. You can't make her happy, even if she thinks you can... you can just distract her from her own unhappiness.

Pretend there is no other girl.... would you still want to be with your girlfriend?


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:

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Re: Loss of Attraction to GF [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #7753088 -

I was having these same thoughts as you about a year into my last relationship. We stayed together because I thought she would be destroyed if I left her. She had depression issues, and knew nothing other than me.

Most times id prefer to jerk off than have sex even though she was beautiful, just got bored.

Anyways, fast forward 3 years, and we finally split for good, this time was her choice.

Moral of story: If I listened to the advise of the shroomery when I asked your same question, I would have 3 years of freedom, extra cash, and no stress added to my very valuable youth.

You only live once, live your life.


--------------------
The DJ's took pills to stay awake and play for seven days.

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Re: Loss of Attraction to GF [Re: tak]
    #7753286 -

Thanks everyone for your input. Sounds pretty much how I feel.


--------------------
notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."

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Re: Loss of Attraction to GF [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #7754918 -

WhiskeyClone said:
mickdawg666 said:
do love my current girlfriend and do not want to hurt her. She says that I am like the one reason for her happiness (shes got some depression problems), and I feel like it would fuck her up pretty bad if I left her.


I was in a situation like that, and I stayed in it way longer than I should have. I was afraid of what would happen if I left; she was so fragile. Seeing her upset just broke my heart every time. Eventually I did cut her loose, and it was difficult and painful, I felt like a villain. But god what a tremendous relief it was... I realized then that it was wrong of me to stay when I knew I didn't really want to be with her. If you don't want to be with her, it's no good for either of you for you to stay. You can't make her happy, even if she thinks you can... you can just distract her from her own unhappiness.

Pretend there is no other girl.... would you still want to be with your girlfriend?



So i just broke up with my girlfriend of 4.5 years on Monday. Very similar situation. I began to have eyes for other women, after she asked for some space, but then wanted to get back together.

The other night I was out, at Alex Grey's gallery. It's a hippie scene, and a psychedelic drug scene, not entirely my ex-girlfriend's scene. I invited her and she didn't want to come.

I ate a bunch of MDMA and got pretty lonely. I thought "I wish Lucy was here." Then I found myself thinking.."do i wish she was here?" It led me down some important paths of thinking and understanding my situation with her..and I realized I wanted something else, or more, or I don't know what.

Follow your heart.


--------------------
Acid doesn't give you truths; it builds machines that push the envelope of perception. Whatever revelations came to me then have dissolved like skywriting. All I really know is that those few years saddled me with a faith in the redemptive potential of the imagination which, however flat, stale and unprofitable the world seems to me now, I cannot for the life of me shake.

-Erik Davis

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Re: Loss of Attraction to GF [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7757269 -

MushroomTrip said:
Quote:
Part of being a man is making these difficult and liberating decisions.


Part of being a man? :what:
You mean that only men can do that? :shocked:


Kneejerk conjecture, that is.  Of course I think that women can, and do make difficult and liberating decisions.  I am a man, though.  You'd almost have to want to be offended to infer that I'm being sexist.

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Re: Loss of Attraction to GF [Re: monkeyheaven]
    #7757476 -

And you took your chance and made things clear.
Both asking clarifying question and making things clear are tools which improve our ability to communicate in a better and more understandable way. :yesnod:


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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Re: Loss of Attraction to GF [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7758120 -

i did the same thing as oh-too-many guys in this thread, with the same girlfriend who's family sucked, which helped fuel her depression issues, which caused her to gain weight and no longer be phsyically appealing to me anymore (sounds shallo, but i don't care what y'all think about me personally).

stayed with her for too long, finally broke it off and regretted the extra year i stuck around on pity.

------is it just me or do most girls have depression issues?

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Re: Loss of Attraction to GF [Re: Mickalopagus]
    #7758189 -

I am like the one reason for her happiness

Leave the relationship. :thumbdown: Ever heard of Vampires?


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: Loss of Attraction to GF [Re: Icelander]
    #7760520 -

I was actually the girl on the receiving end of this scenario for bout 3 years. I was going through a difficult time when the sex went downhill then I got over that but the no sex made me depressed and I put on weight! Uncanny. Then I lost the weight and the sex didnt come back. I kept looking for all sorts of reasons as to why things changed and tryed to work out ways of helping my partner get his sex drive back again... In retrospect I wish he had left. Him staying around gave me false hope! I thought it must be salvagable. But he didn't have the commitment to make any changes that would help. I think - unless you can imagine it being better again and can imagine how that might come about - leave. If you think that her overcoming her depression would help with your feelings about the relationship - a good psychologist who practices CBT, antidepressants and stuff like engaging in activities that you once enjoyed + exercise are all great for depression. It is quite treatable. Anyway I wish you luck. I wouldn't have said it at the time but in retrospect, a song by Ben Harper summarises my feelings bout it now - 'please me like you want to' (not like you have to):
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/benharper/pleasemelikeyouwantto.html
Another thing - if you do plan to stay - don't have sex because she wants it - if you don't feel like it because that will make you associate bad feelings with it and you will feel even less like it in the future. Good luck :smile:


--------------------
Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation as kids, we'd all be running around in a darkened room, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

"Being bitter and hateful is like drinking a vial of poison and hoping the other person gets sick" FreakQLibrium

"My motto from here on out is: If someone or something (including me) in my life is conducting themselves in such a way that they can be seen on Jerry Springer, it's time to take out the garbage!!! When you stop taking their behaviour personally and see their antics as a true reflection on their character, it becomes absolutely nauseating." Anon. on abusive relationships.

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