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this sucks...girlfriend wants a break
    #7083307 -

well me and my girlfriend we have been together for over four years, and we are each other's best friends. we spend almost all of our time with each other. for a while she was really dependent upon me, for everything emotionally especially...and now she has this new job and is like creating her own world for herself. and i think it is great. last night though out of nowhere she gets all sad and had to pry it out of her and she says she needs a break.

i do not blame her at all i understand her completely. she has spent the past 8 years in 2 very heavy relationships. first one for 3 years with this guy zach, then a year after that ended she met me and we have been going together and hanging out all the time ever since. when we talk about the future we are both there.

she said "i can see myself spending the rest of my life with you and it scares me a little and i need a break." i asked if i was smothering her and she said that was not it, that i have not done anything wrong, you know, essentially it is not you it is me type stuff. just says she needs to not be in a relationship right now.

at first i took it very well i said you know i feel like i should be more upset than i am but i am not really worried. but as the conversation went on and on i do not know i just got really upset, crying and all. said i had to go home. went home. punched a few walls on my way there. swollen knuckle. pretty fucked up about all this.

i really love her more than i have ever loved anything or anyone in my life. if i saw her about to get hit by a car there is no doubt i would knock her out of the way and take death in her place. she is the single coolest person i have ever met in my life and what is great is that we are more best friends than we are "lovers" we never really even label ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. that is why this thing has me so confused.

she said it does not even have anything to do with wanting to be with other people so much as it is about wanting to be alone. i respect her wishes and i will give her all the space she needs but this is still the suckiest thing ever. i do not really know that there is anything anyone can say but she is the closest friend i have and there is no one in my physical, real life i really want to talk to about this so this is pretty much my only outlet.


--------------------
Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies

Drug Policy Alliance


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Re: this sucks...girlfriend wants a break [Re: breakableweed]
    #7083377 -

I'm in a similar situation right now, only I have chosen to keep trying, because I love my boyfriend and everything is actually going very well.

But, I have been in some pretty serious relationships, and I'm still really young, so it's hard to be in this place where you can see yourself loving this person that you are with forever - but you don't even know who you are.

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Re: this sucks...girlfriend wants a break [Re: breakableweed]
    #7083461 -

First off, I just want to say I'm sorry to hear about this, it's a shitty situation to be in.
I just recently went through something like this with my ex girlfriend.
The only difference, besides not being together for two years, is that my ex just adapted herself to be more like the person I was. She moves from person to person like this, apparently. She was my closest friend, and I told her the moment she told me she was "too busy" to be in a relationship that I had lost my best friend. And that's how it is. I love her more than I'd ever loved any other girlfriend.
But your situation seems a lot more genuine.
In my case, it sucked major ass, but the more I thought and realized the truth behind everything, the more I knew it was for the best. I've grown as a person so much because of it, as well.

A random old adage comes to mind...
"If you love something, let it go. If it returns, love it forever, but if it doesn't return, you never had it to begin with."
Or something like that.

Just try your hardest not to let it get you down.
Be more dependent upon yourself.
Maybe confide in some other close friends?

It's a shitty situation, and I feel for you man.
It can only get better though!
As long as you believe that, you'll be great.

Watching this movie about the law of attraction helped me to get a new perspective on life. So far, it's been great.

There is a thread someone posted with a passage from the Toltec book of Wisdom (or something like that) about love. I'll find it for you, it's helpful.

The Man Who Didn't Believe in Love

Everything WILL work out for the best, just believe.
:grin:


--------------------

“You've got as many lives as you like, and more, even ones you don't want.” - George Harrison

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Re: this sucks...girlfriend wants a break [Re: breakableweed]
    #7083607 -

Quote:
what is great is that we are more best friends than we are "lovers" we never really even label ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. that is why this thing has me so confused.


Is that true? You don't even label yourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend after 4 years? Did you start out just "hanging" rather than "dating"?

Do you ever wonder any of the following?:
What kind of girl would I have found if I had actually made an effort to find a girl worth finding?

How would our relationship have progressed differently if it had come with all of the usual courtship routines? WOuld it now be closer to my "ideal".

Am I only in this relationship because it was easy and now very comfortable?

No? Well, maybe she does.
Think about it. You're basically constant friends with benefits.
Imagine your relationship as a story. Isn't that a little boring?
Maybe she is trying to spice up the story line. Maybe you need to woo her like you (apparantly) never wooed her before to bring her life back into the story book framework that she has set up for herself.

But, DO you need her? You started out with points about how she totally needed you. If you don't- Do you think that she ever realizes the unevenness of that dynamic and feels bothered or ashamed by it? Maybe she wants to get along without you so she'll know that she can. Or, maybe she wants you not to get along without her, so that you'll realize you can't. Or, maybe she knows you'll never need her like she needs you, and that just ain't going to work for her in the long run.

I'm not an expert on anything... just some first thoughts that came into my head...


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Re: this sucks...girlfriend wants a break [Re: SCleROTiUM_LICK]
    #7083623 -

i appreciate you taking the time to type out a long response to my thread but I do not know any way to say this except you are completely off in your take on our relationship...keep in mind the totality and complexity of our relationship will never be able to be expressed in a post on some internet message board.

our love is a story, and it is a great story. it has many chapters, and peaks and valleys. and there was courtship, and there still is courtship. neither of has ever been on a "date" in our lives. this does not mean there were not trips, poetry, flowers, vacations. we don't just hang out and fuck. the whole point is that our mental connection is supreme to our physical one. but when we do join in physical union, it is more boundary-dissolving than any psychedelic experience i have ever been involved in.


--------------------
Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies

Drug Policy Alliance


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Re: this sucks...girlfriend wants a break [Re: dirtworshipper]
    #7083628 -

Giving people the space they need is a very brave and respectable thing to do. it will make both you and her stronger in the end...

Im sure you'll get over this loss however you must, but I would say once you do, try and look forward to having some time to yourself, and to improve yourself (for you)....


--------------------
notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."

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Re: this sucks...girlfriend wants a break [Re: breakableweed]
    #7084156 -

I was in those very shoes days ago. It hurt. Alot. My best friend and the person I have shared and overcame so much with. It was that to a near tee. The I love you but I'm not sure and if wanted to be with someone it would be you but I think I need to be alone speech.

I knew it before she said it. I heard it in her voice. Saw it in her face and felt it in her touch.

All the air went out of me and on top of Naramata I cried.

But it felt better to know and I think she felt relieved to say it. It was in the open and we would deal with it if it became an issue. I feel in a much better space not necessarily certain but happy.

I think the recognization that we weren't tied to each and bound to something made being in a passionate relationship easier for us.

We'll always be friends, lovers is a bit more uncertain.


And we've been doing very well now that the issues are in the open and have been kind of addressed.

I don't know if any of that means anything

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Re: this sucks...girlfriend wants a break [Re: breakableweed]
    #7084281 -

"You're wrong" works.  :thumbup:
Sometimes, I type by instinct.  Sometimes, my instincts are bad.
Good luck figuring it through or coming to grips with it-
whichever you were hoping for. :sunny:


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Re: this sucks...girlfriend wants a break [Re: SCleROTiUM_LICK]
    #7084763 -

if thats how she wants it to be then be thankful, now you can go where you want, do what you want...you can be totally selfish with your time and money. Try some new things.

Dont call her crying or anything <- not good just move on for now

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Re: this sucks...girlfriend wants a break [Re: Noetical]
    #7085618 -

It means something.

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Re: this sucks...girlfriend wants a break [Re: implicitli]
    #7087175 -

I feel you bro! It is a fucked up situation, but you can't let it get to you. Like n2dEePe said, try new things. Have some "you" time. Hang out with some old friends that you really haven't kept in touch with. Just do some things that only require you for a while, not you and your girl.

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Re: this sucks...girlfriend wants a break [Re: breakableweed]
    #7087952 -

This is old cynical and misogynist me talking, but when a girl says she wants a break it always means:

1.  She is re-evaluating and she is coming to the conclusion that she doesn't like you that much anymore or that she doesn't want to be stuck with you.  or....
2.  She has found somebody better.

When one person starts thinking thoughts like this, things go to shit and never go back to being good.  That's just my experience.  But, good luck though.  :heart:

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. [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #7088231 -

.

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Re: this sucks...girlfriend wants a break [Re: z_x_x_z]
    #7088332 -

yah i would agree the relationship has ended... and is beyond going back to normal at this point... best to move on...

minimize the damage and focus on the positive --- much more you time is a HUGE positive....


--------------------
notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."

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Re: this sucks...girlfriend wants a break [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #7089072 -

RandalFlagg said:
This is old cynical and misogynist me talking, but when a girl says she wants a break it always means:

1.  She is re-evaluating and she is coming to the conclusion that she doesn't like you that much anymore or that she doesn't want to be stuck with you.  or....
2.  She has found somebody better.

When one person starts thinking thoughts like this, things go to shit and never go back to being good.  That's just my experience.  But, good luck though.  :heart:


i often read the relationship advice doled out in this forum and so in a way i saw many of these responses coming, but i am hoping for something more constructive (along the lines of Noetical's post - thank you, my friend, I found yours the most synchronous with my current line of feeling and felt it had the most to offer) to come along eventually.

the thing is in this forum is that most of the men giving other men advice are absurdly jaded in re: relationships with women and women in general. the relationship is not dead. i know that for sure. there is no one else, she assured me of that and i truly do believe her.  unlike most of the men on this website, i have faith in my woman, and after four years know better than to suspect her of some untrustworthy ulterior motive or something like that. moving onfrom a four-year investment into the person i consider my greatest friend in the entire universe (past or present), 3 days after one spontaneous conversation, seems rash, foolhardy, and simply is not an option.


i just needed to post this here because i needed to talk about it, and know that someone other than the pages of my journal was reading it. it's not that i'm ungrateful for your taking the time to post, but really, any responses in the vein of "give up, it's over" are absolutely worthless to me.


--------------------
Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies

Drug Policy Alliance


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Re: this sucks...girlfriend wants a break [Re: breakableweed]
    #7089126 -

i really hope that she is genuine, for you.

i've yet to be so lucky, or loved, or whatever else.


--------------------

“You've got as many lives as you like, and more, even ones you don't want.” - George Harrison

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Re: this sucks...girlfriend wants a break [Re: RandalFlagg]
    #7089241 -

.

Edited by Noetical (08/06/07 12:50 PM)

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Re: this sucks...girlfriend wants a break [Re: implicitli]
    #7089250 -

implicitli said:
It means something.


:hug::heart::hug:

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Re: this sucks...girlfriend wants a break [Re: breakableweed]
    #7089310 -

Well I think that the first thing you have to do is to remain tuned in to that connection you have with her. You have something very rare and maybe that's why some people find it very hard hard to believe it's authenticity. It's not something blamable because it's something that generally happens so those advices do come from the best intentions.

And yes, even though in most cases these things happen when he/she found somebody else or grew tired of their partner, even if that's the rule... there you are with your exception :smirk:. And I really think that it is an exception, and it's something that I recognized since I just met my own exception :heartpump:.

Also that connection can be the one that shows you what's on her mind and why she needed a break. It could be anything really. Maybe she is having some hard times for reasons the are not directly related to your relationship, maybe something happened to her, maybe she got scared by something in the past that made her unable to think straight and fully open up to you regarding that particular matter. Try to make her feel your love for her and and your unconditional support, even if that means her not telling you what's the problem. So maybe then your support will reside in being patient and wait for her to resolve that matter in her own terms, and when she will be ready you'll still be there for her. :heart:

I wish you both the best of luck and keep us up to date with what's happening :smile:


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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Re: this sucks...girlfriend wants a break [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #7089325 -

thanks, mushroomtrip.

well we hung out a bit last night in a group setting and then i could have gone with them to the next bar but i thought i should let her have some space so i went home and had some quality time with a bottle of wine.

today i woke up early and went to the park and she called me right after she got up and got coffee. which kinda confused me. you know. i thought the idea was space...and all she would talk about is what do i want to do tonight? well i had no idea we would be hanging out tonight.

so tonight we had dinner together, and drank some wine, and watched a movie. and after, rather than holding it in, i laid it out.

i said "i need to tell you something and you do not need to say anything if you do not want to. i need you to know that i am confused. that you are telling me something has to be different, and yet so far everything is the same. and yet i feel as if i am expected to act differently, which leaves me uncomfortable, unsure of myself, and unhappy. i am unsure of what to say, unsure of how to act. and so if you need space you need space but i need you to be clear and not tug me around." and i reiterated that i understand respect her feelings. she seemed very sad. i can tell the last thing she wants to do is hurt me. and when we hugged before i left i understood she is going through a lot.

all i want is to be there for her.


--------------------
Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies

Drug Policy Alliance


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