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A letter to my wife....
    #6756971 -

As I have said before........I love you more than I love any other person on the planet.

Divorce is not in my plans. Never was and never will be.

A separation, however is needed.

For both of our sanity.

I want you to go stay with Mom until we can get a joint appointment with a therapist. I will continue to pay all the house hold bills  and will give you $100 a week for gas and cigs.

Us living together now with me knowing that your liable to bait me again is too stressful for me. I'm trying to take my medication to get better and you are making things worse by trying to make me go off.

We need a break from each other.

I don't think it will take more than 4 weeks to have a joint appointment made.
4 weeks isn't a long time.

There is no way that you are going to get money out of your 401K  without my signature. Getting a place of your own is out of the question.

The best option is to go for the separation.

Since I am not the one playing games..........you will be the one making the move out........not me.


After our discussion last night it became so clear that you still need therapy more than I.........that something needs to be done..........NOW.


I love you and want to spend the rest of our lives together, but I cant live with a person who plays tricks/games on me to get me to go off then blames me for being the bad guy.

There needs to be a major change in the way you treat me and I don't want to live with you until we have had a therapist tell us the ground rules...........not my mother and sister.


Please consider moving in with someone, even if it isn't my mother. Any one of my sisters (except Mari) would let you stay with them for a few weeks 'till we get an appointment together.

:peace:


--------------------
Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future

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Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: niteowl]
    #6756975 -

Good luck with that, be sure to let us know how it goes. (Only if you want to, of course)

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Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: Thin White Duke]
    #6756990 -

She has been diagnosed with P.T.S.D. Post traumatic stress disorder. Something that is normally only seen in people who have been in war. I'm afraid there are issues from her early childhood (4-6) that has her in a state of shock.

There is evidence that her farther molested her at that age, and it was so terrifying to her that she has blocked it out. The only way she will be able to get over her problems is to face them (re-live them) in order to heal from it.

Her first memory, is of her being in the room with her mother and father, and her father taking a shotgun and blowing his brains, all over the couch.

A fairly shocking thing to witness at  any aqe,, much less at the age of 6. But by my understanding people who have PTSD can't/won't remember the thing that has them screwed up.

She felt relief when her father killed himself (IMO) not grief. The terror (molestation) was now over.

Her mother obsessed over my wife. Claiming that she would grow up to be a slut, and wouldn't let her bathe herself till she was 17 years old :whoa:

There has been sexual abuse (of some sort) by both of her parents.

I'm just afraid that she won't be willing to face her demons and be rid of them.

I will stand by her side 100% the whole way.......as long as she is willing to make an effort to work on her problems.

If she can't..........I refuse to live with her. :sad:


:peace:


--------------------
Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future

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Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: niteowl]
    #6757127 -

Heavy! Much love and my jah guide you both!

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Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: niteowl]
    #6757140 -

Good luck dude.
Now... IDK about how much real value a couple therapist can have, but I guess that while for some people it doesn't work, for others can work too.
Just know that the best way to solve all this is probably more in hand then you might both think.
The reason which makes me believe this is because people when in anger or after going though a difficult time they're blinded to see the way out.
A therapist can point some directions but don't take too serious his indications.
You both know better where you're standing.
Also, it might have nothing to do with that but I'm wondering what started all these problems your wife has, meaning... what exactly made her remember the issues with her dad.
Take care.


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: niteowl]
    #6757195 -

The first half is well thought out, the second have becomes very "I" centered (selfish). They're just words, so I'm sure you craft something a little more agreeable on both ends.


--------------------
--Ladle--

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Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: niteowl]
    #6757267 -

Good luck with that mang. Taking a break in a relationship can be tough, but it can work out great if you play your cards right.
Hope she gets through therapy well also. :smile:

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Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: niteowl]
    #6757588 -

Yea man, I hope that all works out for you two.

Quote:
I'm just afraid that she won't be willing to face her demons and be rid of them.

I will stand by her side 100% the whole way.......as long as she is willing to make an effort to work on her problems.


If she doesn't understand how facing the problems will help her she will refuse to do so. I obviously don't know the whole situation but there may be some connections that she might have to see before she is willing to do such a thing..you know?


--------------------
From dust you are made and to dust you shall return.

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Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #6758303 -

Quote:
Also, it might have nothing to do with that but I'm wondering what started all these problems your wife has,



My wife has always had a "scatterbrained/unfocused" way about her.
Read Melt-Downs for a better understanding of what I'm talking about

Quote:
meaning... what exactly made her remember the issues with her dad.


Lots of therapy.


--------------------
Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future

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Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: niteowl]
    #6758407 -

niteowl said:
Quote:
meaning... what exactly made her remember the issues with her dad.


Lots of therapy.


Yup... considering that therapy brought you here in the first place IDK if that's such a good idea to follow another one.
Therapy isn't for giving one a chance to get on the surface with all the traumas (that's just the beginning) and the result must be ridding them.
Obviously your wife didn't.
Have you ever considered E therapy? !as in psychotherapy with Ecstasy).


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:

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Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: niteowl]
    #6758663 -

Cut off you balls and hand them to her


--------------------
:Awesketch:

:cool: Fair is Fair :devil:

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Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: Brainiac]
    #6759343 -

Just another example of a past generation completely fucking up the next's lives. I don't know the statistics on women who face these demons because most of them will never tell anyone about it. They block it off as if it never happened and then have it enter their mind much later in life and are forced to deal with it. The fact that she is dealing with it now, means her brain knew it was time to deal with it and chose this time to bring it out into the forefront. It pisses me off to no end. Who were these "men" who would be able to do such a horrific thing to a child's life? Did they not realize the impact it would have? If they did, would they care? It makes my stomach churn and I can totally relate with someone who in romantically involved with a woman with such a past because I have been there too. It's heartbreaking, to see the person you love in such diress. Please let's learn from these incidents. Not like any of us would be able to fathom someone that would do this, but let's encourage women to speak out and KNOW that that sort of manipulation is wrong and it's OKAY to tell someone if it happens or if you feel it will happen. Educate this younger generation so they won't have to deal with this in the future. Stay by your wife man. You will find that a woman who has dealt with these issues and come out on the other side a sane and rational person, will be far worth having in your life than not. If you want to make this work, then go for it full fledged. If you think it will be better for her to heal alone based on how you're feeling right now, I'm glad you're telling her that flat out and making sure she knows that you are always there when she needs someone to catch her. Don't let her fall without helping her up is all I'm saying. You took on that responsibility when you entered yourself into her life.

Question. And please tell me if I'm out of line. Do you think it would be best for her to move out of a place that is safe and secure for her and into a different environment? Is it possible for you to move out if it's just temporary until she irons this out? Just curious because it's time to strategize your approach to this messy situation. Don't look back and say "should of" "could of".

Good luck man. Please feel free to PM anytime if you need to vent.


--------------------
"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"

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Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: niteowl]
    #6759872 -

I hope everything works out. If you are serious about getting things to work out you need to stand your ground now and stay beside what you wrote.


--------------------
Those who would give up a little freedom to get a little security shall soon have neither.
-Benjamin Franklin

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Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: DrCamacho89]
    #6760253 -

DrCamacho89 said:
Question. And please tell me if I'm out of line. Do you think it would be best for her to move out of a place that is safe and secure for her and into a different environment? Is it possible for you to move out if it's just temporary until she irons this out?


We tried it last time with me moving out and her staying home. That didn't work out too well. She stayed in her comfort zone and never made any real effort to change.

With her out of the house, maybe the shock of living in someone else's house will open her eyes to the problems she needs to face.


--------------------
Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: Brainiac]
    #6760261 -

Brainiac said:
Cut off you balls and hand them to her


Was that supposed to be funny?

It didn't work :doublefu:


--------------------
Live for the moment you are in now
Don't be bogged down by your past
Don't be afraid of what lies in your future

Extras: Filter Print Post Top
Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: niteowl]
    #6760288 -

:calledajoke:


--------------------
:Awesketch:

:cool: Fair is Fair :devil:

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Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: Brainiac]
    #6762791 -

GL with everything man

and good idea on making here move out - forcing her to check herself constantly being out of her safety zone where she can just sit and sulk

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Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: niteowl]
    #6762816 -

niteowl said:
We tried it last time with me moving out and her staying home. That didn't work out too well. She stayed in her comfort zone and never made any real effort to change.

With her out of the house, maybe the shock of living in someone else's house will open her eyes to the problems she needs to face.


Makes sense, man. It's gonna be the process that takes form that will heal her, not anything you can do other than make sure she knows she's not alone, even if you're not psychically next to her. In the end, it's her demons to expunge and she will do it only in a way that she knows how.

Stay strong.


--------------------
"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"

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Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: niteowl]
    #6765701 -

I'm not exactly a regular around here, so I hope it's not intrusive for me to reply to this..but after reading your post I felt very moved by your dedication to your wife.

It's difficult to be both supportive while firm about the need for something to be done- the need for hard work and change- but it seems like you've struck a good balance.

The situation sounds very difficult- it's great that you're standing by her all the same. There were times in my life when I was complete mess, but the few people that stuck around and offered me support made it possible for me to survive until I was strong enough to start helping myself.

I wish you the best and sincerely hope everything works out..


--------------------

"I can't be told by anyone how to live. If I said to the minister 'Move from your home' he would think I was mad." Bushman : Botswana

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Re: A letter to my wife.... [Re: niteowl]
    #6766324 -


Us living together now with me knowing that your liable to bait me again is too stressful for me. I'm trying to take my medication to get better and you are making things worse by trying to make me go off.

Since I can't hear your partners side I can only comment on you. You got a big problem if you think your partner can make you do anything or feel any certain way. If you don't take responsibility for your feelings then you will always be blaming others. She's just living her life trying to be happy in her own way and dealing with her own problems the best she can. Good luck.:mushroom2:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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