Well, after a recent stepdown in my relationship with someone i care about very much, i took a week or so to give in to my need for growth that i've been stifling. I've got some seriously screwed history in the emotional department, way too much intelligence for my own good, and a family history of insanity which has manifested in me as full-blown psychosis. I've been working these problems out since i left for college, and unfortunatly it wrecked my nascent career in that area. So, having finally realized that i need to work on myself before i can seriously be with her(or anyone else, for that matter), i set towards reintergrating myself...not keeping the animalistic, hateful, manipulative, and completely psychotic impulses walled off as a seperate personality. That one almost got me badly too, but thats another story.
So, i've made progress, and was happy for the first time in at least 3 years the other evening...meditation is helping. But for the last 3 nights, i've been disturbed in my pre-sleep ritual...i can feel my subconcious churning with something, and it makes my meditation difficult, to say the least. So i do what i can and then go to sleep.
Hah...sleep. not an accurate description of the maelstrom of memory and realization and reality that deluges my self once i slip beneath the concious state. It's like thru joining my myriad parts together, i've allowed the realizations, and fears, and sheer anguish, pain and triumph of the 22 years of my life to resolve themselves, or at least show themselves in a way that i can understand..and hopefully bring these lingering issues to rest. It's not dreaming, its not lucid, because i am aware of my own existence, but the reality of the dream doesnt change...i can feel myself reaching for an understanding of what is being brought to my attention, and manipulating the stagnant emotions and memories to try and find a way to fit them together that won't threaten my young and fragile truce. The dreams show this...and react by bringing me things i had forgotten about, or hidden, or locked away with the insanity that i carry and hope desperately to control long enough to live for a few years. It's almost overwhelming.. I'm trying not to drown in the power and possibility of it all.
I wake tired, i sleep tired. I would charecterize it as a battle, but thats not the truth behind the situation. Perhaps i've finally reached a state that i can deal with everything that i've done in a somewhat coherent and beneficial way...perhaps it's just another method of healing myself. It's been 3 nights, with no end in sight...i wake confused, lost, somewhat despondant...but it fades slowly as i fit the pieces together, place the emotions where they belong, with the proper lighting. I dont have a plan, i dont have a coherent post in mind...but i need to get this out, and the Shroomery has been my home for the vast portion of my struggle...so here it is, my admittance, my fear, pain, loss, happiness, success, confusion and what strength i have, despite the wear it seems to have underwent. There is more here than i knew...more than enough for everyone here, who could use some lent. I give it freely, and ask only that you read and support all who need it...in this instance, myself.
But i ramble. More to come, i'm nearly sure.
Stay Frosty.
R.C.
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"..all those molecules thrashing their kinky little tails, hot for destiny and the street." Gibson
Nuke baby seals for Jesus!
(This has been a +1 production.)
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what is happening is that your inner self is forcing you to deal with the things that you have not delat with in the past. this is only happening because you want it to deep down. this same thing has happened to me and i am much better for it.
what you need to do is look deep inside yourself to the place where all of this is coming from. there are some un-dealtwith issues that are cmming to the surface, because yo need to deal with them.
what helped me was tripping, alone. letting your mind unravel itsself untill you reach the problems, and then trying o understand them.
i know this is somewhat of a ramble but i promise you whatever happens soon you will be free of this emotional bondage and that you will feel the happiness that you felt the other day again
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PEACE
 zippoz
"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"
"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."
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Ack...finally got sleep. pure, unadulterated, 100% grade A sleep. The memories finally got back to the barrier that is the limit of remeberance...so i think they're thru. The mess is over, the garbage has been cleaned...now all i have to do is try and restrain the unrestrainable. But, one thing at a time. Thank you for reading, and those who posted, thank you again. I think i need to trip..gonna do that soon. But, stay frosty and stay happy.
R.C.
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"..all those molecules thrashing their kinky little tails, hot for destiny and the street." Gibson
Nuke baby seals for Jesus!
(This has been a +1 production.)
|
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