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OfflineHerbus
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Registered: 10/19/04
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Extreme Hatred for One's Mother
    #5396106 - 03/13/06 06:14 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

I have began to associate everything I do not like with my mother.

I hate her personality, I hate her modus operandi, I hate her selfishness, I hate the way she looks, I absolutely hate all her genetics and subsequently I hate everything in me that I presumably 'inherited' from her.

I think living with her, coupled with a detachment from my father (pretty much the only person I "love" or feel an 'otherwordly connection' to) has given me some serious psychological anomalies.

I definitely consider myself a sociopath, even though I am actively social, I absolutely loathe all societal structures, a feeling probably attributed to an overall disdain for the human race.

I feel she epitomizes what it means to be human, a consuming waste of material existence, purposely infused into a corporeal body and tricked into believing itself an individual, which then spends its "life" seeking out 'avenues of experience.' Shitty ones at that.

What I mean is that she gives things away because it makes her feel good. I feel by living with her I have been able to 'divulge' the true nature of our species... Despite claims of benevolent generosity, the person giving still gives for the simple reason that it concurrently GIVES them pleasure, too.
Futhermore, she has 'exposed' me to the most human of traits exuding filth onto this Earth... bullshit, she's full of it.

Nothing could ever be her fault and she simply cannot be in the wrong. AHHH FUCK THIS BITCH. This is honestly how I feel, I hate her, I feel like she's never loved anything but herself, I feel like she ripped away the pretty aesthetics of hope unveiling the true malignace of the Human world when I was really young.

I am constantly reminded (or have consequently developed a alterated process for interpretation) that I am not welcomed...

I feel... like a weed.

I feel like most people are ornamental plants, nurtured, watered, fertilized and marveled at.

I feel like I was tossed aside from the beginning, to grow in a different region of the garden... I feel like it was expected I would not make it. But I did, and now I feel like a hardy, spine covered weed in everyone's garden.

And now it feels like my parents are suprised... but displeased, as well.

"Our son is a weed." (Metaphorically mental composition, not a reference to bodily growth)

So now I have a distinctive way of thinking, which receives praise... but that praise seems to be covered in astonishment and fear (praise from my mother, at least). Like...

'I can't believe he turned out like this,'

As if she knows she fucked up early on... that she somehow hampered my development, and now she is suprised I turned out relatively 'smart.'

And now she, and correspondingly, quite a lot of other people, are afraid of my mental disposition.

I have a strong tendency to dominate arguments, that said, any arguments which I consider 'lost' --in the sense that my points were not properly received by the other parties in contention-- can usually be attributed to me going 'too-far' in the presentation of information helpful to my expostulation. (A good example would be the mechanisms of tryptamine-based psychedelics in the brain, which usually is initiated by the other party saying something like, "LSD causes your brain to fry," and usually concluded with me stating the processes of serotogenic agonists binding to selective 5HT sites, and lack of conclusive evidence indicating some residual encephalic damage.) Or, as it often occurs, the ambagious context (overly wordy)of my arguments simply are not effective on a group which cannot distinguish what you're trying to say (most of my friends are teenagers or young adults). --And all this, comes from a need to prove my worth in something, in some area, I need to prove I am not malformed, quite the contrary, I feel compelled to show that certain regions of my being may, in fact, be superior in development. All my personality, my indentity, my intelligence... is just compensation for my feelings of malformation... of pointless, perhaps even comtemptible existence. This said existence, brought into nascence by my Goddamned Mother.

This inability to 'communicate' or 'connect' with anyone only further perpetuates my deviation from the norm.

I'm 18, I 'should' be out getting wasted at parties with the hopeful prospects of hooking up with some confused hot girl who has successfully inebriated herself to the point of unscrupulous horniness.

Is it weird... that an exchange of numbers from the opposite sex usually occurs after they mention a desire to exchange numbers? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

I think my matriarchal hatred is beginning to have serious implications on my 'sex life,' or just interaction with the opposite sex in general.

Of course, in my eyes, most women, or more appropriately, teenage girls are drama-mongering emotion whores who console their 'hardships' by drinking and partying.

Something my mom did, and something I associate with my "malformation." And something I consider a greater association to the malformation of society as a whole. (The statement of 'hardships' connotes a strong image in my mind, self-perpetuation of problems, a need to 'sedate' these problems and a consequent arrival of more 'problems,' without effectively eliminating the first problem because in effect, it didn't really exist in the context you 'allowed' it to exist. And now the subject has 'real' problems.)

Right now I am torn in half...

Part of me wants to completely detach from humanity, and only show correlation where absolutely needed for my own survival... feelings indubitably driven by a 'belief' that I may be the result of a mutation within the human genome, and thus... just maybe, the first of my own kind. Meaning: I am either to spend my life as a sterile transient, just a random mutation meant to experience life through a unique perspective then die, completely by himself... a subspecies.
OR: I am supposed to monopolize biological technologies and, working with my own DNA, make modulations in creating a new organism. Then create a viral infection to whipe out the current stock, and repopulate with my new stock of Human specimens.

Part of me 'realizes' where these thoughts come from, and 'realizes' that I could overcome them, and commence a re-introduction into society, with the hope that, because of my differences in mental temperament, I could help to 'install' new procedures which will benefit the entire 'life network' on Earth, not just 'advancements' in the feasibility of life for humans.

When I think of doing the latter, a pleasant chill pervades my body... as if telling me, "this is the one." This split in mental preference probably came about from use of psychedelics, so essentially I do think in my case, that psychedelics are making me a 'better person,' in a subjective sense.

Anyways that's a lot of shit to post, and I doubt it will be read but I feel better having posted it nonetheless... I'm sure I'll have many additions to make to this as time progresses...

And I don't hate my mother as much as I did 15 minutes ago, isn't expression a wonderful thing?  :syringe:

At least she doesn't get on my ass for using drugs.


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Offlinefresh313
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Re: Extreme Hatred for One's Mother [Re: Herbus]
    #5396179 - 03/13/06 06:45 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

u still live w/ your mom ?
if so, u need to bounce, go away to college.
you sound really smart
find something u can apply yourself to, studies, work..
i think your just really mature for your age.
dont let it get u down, i hate my mom too. its eerie how similar.
just remember u choose your family.
and dont dwell on -- ive lived with my mom for so long i must be like her now, dont believe any of it, u can be whoever you want, say fuck you to DNA. twist those double helix's with your mind however u want.


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OfflineHerbus
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Registered: 10/19/04
Posts: 1,477
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Re: Extreme Hatred for One's Mother [Re: fresh313]
    #5396235 - 03/13/06 07:03 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Yeah. I'm still in High School.

I slack off, I shouldn't, things would be absolutely awesome for me if I wasn't a slacker.

I think I'll try growing a beard and quit slacking off.


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Offlinefresh313
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Re: Extreme Hatred for One's Mother [Re: Herbus]
    #5396244 - 03/13/06 07:07 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

fuck high school, just get good enough grades and knock out your SAT/ACT
get yourself in a college at least a couple hours away from home
its only get better from here man, keep ya head up.


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OfflineHerbus
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Registered: 10/19/04
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Re: Extreme Hatred for One's Mother [Re: fresh313]
    #5396278 - 03/13/06 07:15 PM (17 years, 10 months ago)

I live in Northern California and have my sites on Humboldt in hopes of eventually moving to Stanford because they have such a pretentious
Neuroscience department...

However, if I am to achieve such high goals... I obviously need to quit fucking around, quit stressing on my DNA (my mom sure isn't smart) and quit questioning my own intellectual abilities.

I need to meet a neuroscientist, me thinks.


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Edited by Herbus (03/13/06 07:16 PM)


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OfflineThe_Red_Crayon
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Re: Extreme Hatred for One's Mother [Re: Herbus]
    #5397476 - 03/14/06 12:48 AM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Im no shrink but from what you described is a common sociopathic/psychopathic logic of thinking. Which is kind of comical because im in a almost completely exact situation you have.

If i was in your situation than the realization that the expectations of life is just a simple game would be incredible, What im saying is go out and live a life of wisdom. Cultivate your knowledge into empathy and sympathy by offering people wisdom and advice, peoples respect for you will grow greatly. Humiliate yourself and be humble,have a huge concept of personal integrity and accountability.

You my friend can turn yourself into a ultimate badass.


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InvisibleDisco Cat
iS A PoiNdexteR

Registered: 09/15/00
Posts: 2,601
Re: Extreme Hatred for One's Mother [Re: Herbus]
    #5397661 - 03/14/06 02:23 AM (17 years, 10 months ago)

Have some compassion for your mom too. I know how it can be to despise your mom's negative characteristics, I've said the exact same things about my mom before, but you have to know that she despises them too, everyone despises their negative traits. She probably picked them up from her parents and was so bombarded by them that she susperstitiously accepted that she would adopt them too. Believe me, it hurts the person who has them to act that way as much as it hurts you to see someone act that way. It hurts them even more because they feel guilt for what they're inflicting on those around them, but they never think clearly to not act that way in the moment. The never admitting to their wrongdoing is also a trait of my mom, and I think it has to do with her having self-worth abused sometime resulting in her being afraid of feeling the lack of self worth unless they do what they consider "standing up for themselves," but really they're looking for any outlet to be able to excercise control in. So when someone is stuck in this scared mentality they can't calm their minds down enough to see the more benevolent reality around them.

It's really sad to think that a human who has all the same desires of the heart as you or anyone could is trapped living their idea of hell, and that they are being left alone by those who could make the difference to them. Not being loved by those around them is always a primary fear of those stuck in negative behaviours, and they only pick up those negative behaviours because they hated seeing them in someone else first, and dwelt too much on them.

If you allow yourself to despise your mom for this you are going to find that the things you hate about her are the things you're going to be hating about yourself. If you accept her with all these problems then they won't affect you, and she will start to gain the confidence to change herself.  :heart:


Edited by Disco Cat (03/14/06 02:35 AM)


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Offlinedobermanmacleod
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Re: Extreme Hatred for One's Mother [Re: Herbus]
    #24395573 - 06/11/17 02:27 AM (6 years, 7 months ago)

I normally do not participate in forums, but I had a similar experience as you.  It turns out, after length and painful rumination and analysis that my (adopted) mother had a condition called "Borderline Personality Disorder."  I was the oldest, and she labelled me the bad kid, even saying she hated me since I was a baby, and that that sometimes happens (oh well :mad:).

As a consequence I developed Schizoidism.  When she died (going out in a hateful sh!tstorm of course), it screwed me up for more than 5 years.  I obsessed over her treatment of me, and I couldn't stop feeling overwhelming hatred for her.  I gained 50 pounds and nearly killed myself, self-medicating was my only saving grace.  As it stands now I don't feel the need to express my hatred for her by evil actions, but I must be very careful of triggers.

Good luck man.  If you want to get clear it will take an incredible amount of self-therapy.  It is a long painful road that I haven't personally finished yet.


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Offlinedobermanmacleod
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Re: Extreme Hatred for One's Mother [Re: Disco Cat]
    #24395577 - 06/11/17 02:33 AM (6 years, 7 months ago)

Your advice is seemingly reasonable for a person who hasn't gone through the hell that is an abusive mother.  Frankly, it just rubs salt in the wounds of me and many others who had mothers who were so bad that you might have difficulty empathizing with us.

My (adopted) mother had borderline personality disorder, and frankly I wish you could have experienced childhood under her tender care, and you wouldn't be saying that stuff like forgive or empathize with her.  I know you mean well, but from my POV it is obscene.


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Offlinesprinkles
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Re: Extreme Hatred for One's Mother [Re: dobermanmacleod]
    #24395610 - 06/11/17 03:01 AM (6 years, 7 months ago)

men who dont like their mothers tend to not respect women.



if im considering whether or not to date somebody thats something i usually ask... "how is your relationship with your mom?"  if a man loves his mother that is a very good thing.  If he does not then i'll most likely move on.  unfortunate cause moms are suppose to be supportive, loving, nurturing people who will always be there for you no matter what.  they're Not suppose to be cunts.  but some are though, no doubt.  and most women are crazy in some form or another.  especially red head ones.


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Offlinebeforethedawn
Registered: 06/19/16
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Re: Extreme Hatred for One's Mother [Re: sprinkles]
    #24395912 - 06/11/17 07:38 AM (6 years, 7 months ago)

I don't know, you just sound like a young one that needs to make sure he gets out and about enough.


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Hostile humankind
Can't you see you're fucking blind?


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InvisibleTheFakeSunRa
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Re: Extreme Hatred for One's Mother [Re: Herbus]
    #24395948 - 06/11/17 07:58 AM (6 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

Herbus said:
I live in Northern California and have my sites on Humboldt in hopes of eventually moving to Stanford because they have such a pretentious
Neuroscience department...

However, if I am to achieve such high goals... I obviously need to quit fucking around, quit stressing on my DNA (my mom sure isn't smart) and quit questioning my own intellectual abilities.

I need to meet a neuroscientist, me thinks.




Stanford is a lofty goal but in the meantime you might want something less pretentious and prestigious and just get to the there which is away

Your mom is probably smarter than you know. Maybe some time apart will soften your feelings.


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[quote]Asante said:
You constantly make posts thatr fling middle school insults at people you don't like mixed in with maladjusted psychopathic comments about wanting to beat up the other poster with a crowbar.

You know how shit you are, you just don't give a fuck for precisely that reason.

I disendorse you.[/quote]


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Offlinesprinkles
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Re: Extreme Hatred for One's Mother [Re: beforethedawn]
    #24396563 - 06/11/17 12:08 PM (6 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

beforethedawn said:
I don't know, you just sound like a young one that needs to make sure he gets out and about enough.







that doesnt make any sense.


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InvisibleTheFakeSunRa
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Re: Extreme Hatred for One's Mother [Re: sprinkles]
    #24397136 - 06/11/17 03:25 PM (6 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

sprinkles said:
Quote:

beforethedawn said:
I don't know, you just sound like a young one that needs to make sure he gets out and about enough.







that doesnt make any sense.




He's saying the OP needs to get away from his mommy.


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[quote]Asante said:
You constantly make posts thatr fling middle school insults at people you don't like mixed in with maladjusted psychopathic comments about wanting to beat up the other poster with a crowbar.

You know how shit you are, you just don't give a fuck for precisely that reason.

I disendorse you.[/quote]


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Offlinebeforethedawn
Registered: 06/19/16
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Re: Extreme Hatred for One's Mother [Re: TheFakeSunRa]
    #24397303 - 06/11/17 04:20 PM (6 years, 7 months ago)

Well I mean, yeah, I was just saying these views are typical for someone your age.

Just make sure you balance your views by listening to other's point of view. I dug a hole for myself in my teens, completely jaded.


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Hostile humankind
Can't you see you're fucking blind?


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InvisibleThayendanegea
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Re: Extreme Hatred for One's Mother [Re: beforethedawn]
    #24399669 - 06/12/17 02:16 PM (6 years, 7 months ago)

You guys realize you've resurrected an 11 yr. old thread right? OP hasn't been seen around here for 3-1/2 years.

I hope he got his shit together....sounded like a bright kid.

Mark Twain said something like..."When I was 18 yrs. old, I was amazed by how stupid my parents were....Now that I'm 21....I'm amazed at how much they learned in three years."


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Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better.

Albert Einstein


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InvisibleTheFakeSunRa
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Re: Extreme Hatred for One's Mother [Re: Thayendanegea]
    #24399710 - 06/12/17 02:28 PM (6 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

You guys realize you've resurrected an 11 yr. old thread right? OP hasn't been seen around here for 3-1/2 years.




:wat:  You're only supposed to do that with dental threads. :wat:


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[quote]Asante said:
You constantly make posts thatr fling middle school insults at people you don't like mixed in with maladjusted psychopathic comments about wanting to beat up the other poster with a crowbar.

You know how shit you are, you just don't give a fuck for precisely that reason.

I disendorse you.[/quote]


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Offlinebeforethedawn
Registered: 06/19/16
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Re: Extreme Hatred for One's Mother [Re: TheFakeSunRa]
    #24401229 - 06/13/17 03:21 AM (6 years, 7 months ago)

Oh snap


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Hostile humankind
Can't you see you're fucking blind?


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