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fuck i been racking my brain constantly lately giving myself an altamatem, i said i hey im not waiting around much longer if i dont start getting some answers to this insanity in the meaningless. I picked up a more in detail version of life after death and it has begun to slowly fill the void. Essentially my insanity may be a threshold point or turning point in my blueprint, where it may all come together or all fall apart which would result in my suicide, thankfully i have obtained some answers both through the book and through a few unusual experiences. It seems i have picked a very difficult life theme which includes an emotional disorder that i will have to deal with, it is a chemical imbalance in my brain that enables me to experience extreme emotions, feeling both close and far away from god between any given moment, in which i may just snap back and forth without any control until now. Now that i have realized the problem i dont see it as much of a problem anymore at all, cause all it requires is keeping my emotions in check and not letting them getting the better of me. Before when i did not realize this problem i thought i was skitzo or something like that because it felt like i was on a huge roller coaster ride and i didnt know what to believe. I now truly feel proud about what i have accomplished as part of my blueprint and i have come back down to earth now with some exiting truths resonating within me, and now i am positively looking forward to my future now which is another hurdle i have overcome, the theme of persecution. All my life until now i have been afraid of succeeding cause i thought my problems would just come back and hurt me even more if i was happier, instead i chose to find peace within my insanity instead of facing reality, the fact that i have many physical and mental problems does not bother me now in nearly the same manner, i look at it as a positive experience now and from now on, and i will attempt to bring all the good from my learning experience that i can and i wish to do that by showing you the truth, the truth that there is really not much to this game you call life if you look at it from this perspective: Love God, do good, then shut up and go home, and dont forget to do what makes you happybecause if you want soemthing bad enough there is no one stopping you but you, and i wish to expand my knowledge and share Gods truths with you, i wish to go out everday and be a good example for everyone, cause i wanna play a part in the spiritual revolution unfolding, it makes me so happy and God will be waiting to take me in on the other side with open arms, i am proud just to have the courage to come here with the blueprint i set out for myself, its not any easy one.
-------------------- "oh to be a kid again, not a worry in the world except mybe the lack of bubbles in the bath tub"
cool man. i've really enjoyed seeing the progression in your posts. i think that people who have had a lot of first-hand experience with the paradox of this existence can become very powerful if they learn to control and channel their emotions. you have a really vivid mind, very capable and powerful, if you can control it and be aware of your thoughts. as long as you remember that, even though everything you do matters, nothing really matters, that's just the truth we have to deal with while we're stuck in time.
there's a CD i have, black dog + black sifichi "unsavoury products", the website is www.unsavouryproducts.com, if you're into techno you might like it, it's pretty weird though, and it's a spoken word CD. the words are pretty cool though, this is one of the more straightforward tracks that i've memorized - "science tells us that there is always a reason that a star falls or a body is ill, and religion does the same. this is the story of one man's quest into darkness. true, or false? both." then it goes into this tribal music with backwards drumbeats... also, a book i just finished reading today which really impacted me, "the active side of infinity" by carlos castaneda. check it out. a demonstration of how lies can tell truth (are they lies??)..