"SHIT ITS THIS SHIT AGAIN!" - repeated eternally, in fragment-spiral-reality-shifts.
While being dragged down in salvia gravity-land, going through the great shredder, my internal dia-monologue narrows down to "wow", and it gradually goes downward from there, as my brain shuts down completely and my consciousness is running through memories and reliving them without much question for what is and what is not. Until I suddenly catch a glimpse of the reality where I actually exist as the person smoking the psycho-plant, and this reminds me that I come from somewhere, unable to remember where, what, who, when, and why. And my questioning begins as the brain restarts - "Wtf?! WHAT THE FUCK!!? Where, what, who, which, when, why!?!?!" and then going upwards chronologically through memories, until another glimpse of reality occurs and the process of "Wtf?! WHAT THE FUCK!!? Where, what, who, which, when, why!?!?!" slides over to "SHIT! ITS THIS SHIT AGAIN!" - - - this is where its always at, this is the eternity, this is the salvia-space, which is totally outside of time, this is that known place where everything is known, because you're it, but not thought of, because you're it. You feel slapping and slapping and slapping, like a comic-book being smashed repeatedly into your face at the speed and sound of a chopper-propeller.
You see that your entire life, all existence, everything, is a picture of yourself, sitting in a chair. You are just atoms moving around in this picture. It never moves. It has never moved. This is *all* there is. Piecing together on top of each other every atom and electron and photons overlapping and slapping into this picture, which never alters, you never know when to stop, because nothing has ever moved, because everything is everything, and you don't know of anything else.
AND YOU ARE THE ONE CONTROLLING THIS SICK SCENARIO, UNABLE TO STEER BECAUSE YOU REMEMBER TOO MUCH TO HAVE A POINT OF VIEW!
I often think of my aunt at this point. Which is weird, because we have the same birthday, and for some reason I think she is God, even though I don't have much contact with her at all, and certainly did not think of her at all before this. And I don't think of her in words, I conceptualize our relationship and her kindness always reminds me of something divine.
This is when panic sets in, and my mind refuses to accept this sick shit of time warps and endless times, memory-jumping, and overlapping slapping 2D pictures of the eternal you (ETERNAL GOD) which never moves, so it freaks itself out and repeats the moment of arrival into "real" reality over and over and over and over and over and over, until you realize there is nothing to fear, but fear itself and the self-induced terror of being stuck inside your brain slash outside the universe, and time gradually begins to make sense as you do the only thing possible which is to fool yourself to distract yourself out of this psychosis and into the one you are familiar with, like you hear someone calling your name, telling you to chill the fuck out, and finally you are just barely able to take a hit of cannabis and chill out maximus as you reflect on this terrible reliving the space time of the entire universe which exists only in your head, and you don't exist at all you are merely a hallucination of yourself because being nothing forever is eternally boring so you make up this mad sick universe where you live on this enticingly sick and fucked up planet of delusions and illusions and the most important thing of all questioning which is just a way of hiding shit from yourself, so you can gradually find it back so that you can fool yourself into believing that you actually move around and navigate a reality when in fact you are just sitting on your throne being the omnipotent everything always forever eternally never!
All psychosis arrive and can be remembered, if post-traumatic stress syndrome and disassociating personality disorder is avoided and doesn't repress all your memories of your humongous brain/universal restart.
Internal dialogue? Not much. More like a looping wow, combined with a cosmological and universal and eternal mayday which no one will ever hear.
Just talking about this scares me into believing I might snap back into everland. However that is not so frightening anymore, now that I know I will create a perfect universe anyway, because it only happens once, and thats every time we visit the depths of our brain.
All contradictions are intended.
I could go on and on about how this universe is created to fool ourselves into believing we exist, but honestly
We're stuck here together, and I hope it will last forever.
-------------------- The argent messenger of truth beyond truth, the antithesis of life, cruel and bleak as interstellar space, pulseless and frozen as absolute zero, dazzling with the frost of irrefragable logic and unforgettable fact.

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