leery11 said:

I'm a virgin and would feel kind of down in some ways if my girl [hypothetical girl] wasn't one, and verily much more so if she had been with more than two or three guys......

But the other part of me says I want to just go get laid because I want to and who cares if she doesn't love me I'd just use her to heal my lack of TOUCH and physical INTIMACY and try my best to do as much experimentation as I could with her and to balance our energies together.

But it's better to engage in energy exchange with someone that actually feels energy............
drunken hookup ? No. I'm terrified of loose sex actually. I was at a party and freaked out worrying this girl would come on to me, not that that was a likely thing to happen [she was with another guy] but it fucking scared me pretty bad all the same.

She's a really nice girl though and I think she's actually a virgin..... I'd see myself being with her a lot more than this guy..... he's a good guy though for the most part.

I don't mind virginity, I mind painful ambivalence and complete lack of touch and intimacy and closeness to other human beings. I mean I'm so isolated accidentally touching a girls foot in yoga (with my foot) felt really good and intimate................ well sort of I mean I wasn't like "damn that's hot" it soothed the wounds in my stomach from repressing my desires. I'm sure I could have put that into better poetry........ now and then I envision myself lying about on a lazy afternoon simply napping with a beautiful girl..... sharing our time and presence..... gently and subtly exchanging energies, being open and honest and free. These thoughts cause deep pain inside my stomach which I try to simply let pass through me without dwelling on it but somehow I think each time i feel it it leaves a residual residue of sorts there and contributes to furthering unhealthiness....

I mean you can let the emotions go and they don't bother you really, but you have done nothing to fix the issue and will keep feeling them each time you think about how wonderful it is to be intimate with another human being, and that you don't have those kinds of experiences. Should I not care? maybe. If the answer is yes then what is the path to not caring? Not caring is different than saying "who cares" you must truely not be bothered that you are missing something.

And I am missing something. My human wiring wants me to be this way. I want to have love. But I don't. Perhaps this is all a play waiting for me to be mature enough to handle a relationship properly. I mean having fucked in high school would have been great, for the time being, but nothing would have come of such high school relationsihps.

Maybe I will reach a spiritual maturity and find someone on the same level as me to continue my journey with together and share my life with. That could NOT have happened in the times at which all people were pressured to date and have girlfriends.

So in some ways saving ALL my innocence, being a virgin to almost everything except hand holding... may have merit.

Or I may live a celibate lonely life and figure out how to accept it and actually be empowered by it. Or I may stay in the middle, still be celebate, but not out of choice and be ruined by ambivalence.


It's hard to say, not knowing my future.

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