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Cutting
    #4733216 -

I'm just wondering where people in this forum stand on cutting.

Have/would you do it?
What good do you feel it does/doesn't do?


I have done it for many years now, (not every day mind you) but when things get overwhelming to the point where I can't cry anymore I sometimes do it to relieve the feeling of anxiety.
SOmetimes I find it sedates me, it translates emotion into a physical realm where I can deal with it, where it replaces the thoughts of feeling hopeless
Other times I find it only perpetuates the pain, (although most the time it does the former).

I have found the worst part of it to be the scarring though, which makes it difficult to find places to get a good cut w/o it being visible.

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Re: Cutting [Re: peepeepottypants]
    #4733238 -

though i wouldn't reccommend doing it, if you are anyway, try it on ur ankel. it's a place where u can brush it off as an injury. i used to do it a lot. and i still do it occasionally. i stopped whn i became obsessive with guitar. i can bang at a guitar really hard, and it's just as physical. try the drums. those help, too.


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Re: Cutting [Re: psilocyb0rg]
    #4733258 -

yeah I cut up my ankle unfortunately I like to wear skirts and crop pants often and I worry that the cuts are too obviouse. Naturally I dont believe I would cut it up nonuniformly so it could be passed as an injury when im in that state of mind, thus I dont feel i could really diguise it.

I cant really do anything loud since i live in an apt complex w/ paper thin walls, nor do I have the aptitude for instruments. But nonetheless that is an excellent suggestion

Edited by peepeepottypants (09/29/05 09:15 PM)

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Re: Cutting [Re: peepeepottypants]
    #4733292 -

you probably write, i'm guessing. anything active should help you. but you probably are antisocial in a way? so that takes away tons of out doors. i also draw a lot. that helps me. and i have a website that takes a lot of time. i tend to forget that other people arent always musicians. lol. you know what helps me? those hand exersise thingies. the ones that look like handles? i don't know what they are called, but they help. also, squeezing a pink eraser.


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Re: Cutting [Re: psilocyb0rg]
    #4733314 -

a stress ball!

I draw as well, but when Im real down I really cant do it. I dont like to go out because I live in the city, and being anxiety ridden in social situations can be difficult in the city.

Its been a decent amount of time since Ive actually cut (I'd say perhaps May), but sometimes i really feel compelled to.

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Re: Cutting [Re: peepeepottypants]
    #4733352 -

you must be my sister. lol. stress balls are awesome, but i've broken them before. yeah...i had drawer's block for a while. and it sucked ass.


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Re: Cutting [Re: psilocyb0rg]
    #4733393 -

I use to use those squishy waterfilled yo-yos to relieve tension and mental uncomfort, but when they woud break they'd make a big mess

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Re: Cutting [Re: peepeepottypants]
    #4733420 -

uh............................................okay....yeah, I cut.  I wish I could say it was "over with" but I did it a week and a half ago, so I guess that doesn't count as "over it." 

I've been self-injuring since I was...well...believe it or not, I've always had this driving urge to harm myself.  Even as young as 6 I remember doing stuff like pulling out my hair, pressing pins and needles into my skin and banging my head against the wall.  When I was 13 my first "real" time to cut was when I stabbed a pair of scissors into my thigh.  Then I used glass.  From then I quickly escalated to sharper and more dangerous items...I will not mention them here because I don't feel it is responsible for me to do so. 

Anyway...my self-injury started "innocent" (superficial) but got worse and worse the more I did it.  At my worst it used to be where I would do it every day, multiple times a day.  I would think about doing it 24/7.  I'd fantasize about the damage I would do myself. 

Nowadays I only cut when the MONSTER comes...i.e. my crazy side rears it's UGLY UGLY head.  Sometimes I get so emotional that all I can think to do is...hurt.  When I get into the severe states of mind there are no thoughts at all, only a feeling, and that feeling is so terrible and penetrative that it needs to be cut out. 

I realize this is difficult for people to understand.  I'd like to comment on how cutting has affected my life though.  It's changed everything.  EVERYTHING.  My body is covered in scars I will never be able to get rid of.  Every day at work I have somebody ask me, "What happened to you?" 

And what am I supposed to say?  The truth, "I did it?" 

No.  People don't like hearing stuff like that.  Since I work in a groom shop, usually I can get away with a simple, "Oh, just the dogs over the years," but I can tell nobody believes me when I say this. 

Once on a routine traffic stop I had a cop threaten to take me to the psych hospital when he saw my arms. 

I've gone into a knife store intending to buy a pocket knife and the man selling them refused when he saw my arms. 

People stare at me...today at Chik-fil-a I could hear two girls behind me in line murmoring to themselves about my arms. 

And when children ask...it's very awkward.  I don't know what to say to children.  Or what I will say to my own children. 

It's hard.  Because "I did it," so I have to live with this now. 

And I keep doing it, but at least I am smart enough now to put the new wounds where nobody can see them.  (except in those intense mind-states sometimes I forget this)

Anyway, using mushrooms has helped ease the self-destructive impulses I have but they can only do so much.  I used to think that I want to "quit cutting forever" but that's just not realistic.  I don't know what the future holds so I can't make that kind of promise to myself or anyone.  I will just take it day by day.  And if I end up harming myself, I will just be satisfied I didn't do something much worse. 

-------> A :hug: <-------  for anyone who has suffered with the same self-injurous impulses as I have.  I know how difficult it gets. 

Hang in there, people.  :heart:

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Re: Cutting [Re: peepeepottypants]
    #4733440 -

those things arent reliable n e way...did you hear about how they were banned because kids were strangling themselves with them? i still see them everywhere though. i use erasers and the strength thingies.


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Re: Cutting [Re: MOTH]
    #4733462 -

That's pretty rough, it does have many addictive qualities about it. And it definatly is hard to make a cold turkey decision about cutting.
Its such a bittersweet urge.

I hope you continue to be satisfied at the end of your days
thank you for sharing!

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Re: Cutting [Re: MOTH]
    #4733471 -

the trick is to carry no guilt and not regret n e thing...it's hard, but once you figure it out, it's easy to quit.


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Re: Cutting [Re: psilocyb0rg]
    #4733486 -

Gotta say that may be one of the most difficult tricks to pick up.
And its hard to say that what you dont regret today you wont regret tomarrow, but I dont doubt the possibility of attaining that ability...
but
It's still one hell of a trick!

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Re: Cutting [Re: peepeepottypants]
    #4733495 -

Thanks for giving me space to talk about it!  What's funny is that I was going to write about cutting in my journal tonight...and then I saw your post and I was like, "WEll, maybe better here then there."  :heart:

I'd like to ask you a question though...

1. Does weed help your SI urges?  It does for me usually...helps me calm down. 

2. Have you ever cut or wanted to cut while tripping?  This is kind of morbid, but I've thought about cutting myself while on shrooms.  Just to see what it would "be" like.

I think it would just open a really negative sack of worms though, so I'll probably never do it.

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Re: Cutting [Re: MOTH]
    #4733503 -

Haha...probably. i dont smoke weed, so i don't know about that. i've never wanted to while tripping...the only thing i ever wanna do when tripping is play guitar.


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Re: Cutting [Re: MOTH]
    #4733532 -

Wonderful! Hows that for timing :smile: I hope talking about it for you helps supress those urges, because I know it has the ability for me.

1. Yes weed definatly helps my urge to cut, I supose (as terribly cliche as this might be) it makes me forget that I've had the urge, and it allows me to distract myself with other mediums.

2. I have not had the urge to cut on mushrooms but I have had the urge to cut while on acid, but thats because I was in a garage (which was strangely the place everyone wanted to hang out in) with lots of stuff that would be really useful in  hurting oneself.  I left because I really didnt trust myself in there.  And I didnt want that many people to see me break down in any sort of way.

Ive decided not to take take any mushrooms (or acid) for a while, until I feel I can get my emotions under control, I think drugs while in this state of mind (with the exception of pot) may be more detrimental for me, and I dont want to do anything that may mess me up or be too enjoyable.  I actually wish to quit smoking pot, but it helps with my terrible mind.

I must compliment you on your ability to write about self destruction.  You're very precise on the emotions it brings forth, which I'm sure has helped many people (including me), I've said it before, but sometimes just knowing someone else understands at the same time I do can be really helpful

Would you say its almost like love/hate thing with SI? When Im in my terrible state of mind I love it, but the only reason I love it is because I'm filled with hate, and when Im not filled with hate, I hate it.

Edited by peepeepottypants (09/29/05 10:36 PM)

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Re: Cutting [Re: peepeepottypants]
    #4733640 -

Yeah...it's one hell of a trick and it's taken my own demoralization to obtain it.


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Re: Cutting [Re: psilocyb0rg]
    #4733701 -

Do you mean by shedding your morals you've obtained happiness?

If so, I somewhat understand how that works, a lot of SI tendencies were dormant when I shed mine, but I don't know, I supose I came to a conclusion that it wasn't the way I wanted to live. I think I feel more comfortable having a code of morals and being self destructive.
Although it often becomes very difficult to feel so much destruction and find that morally alright I supose.

I'm one to do it, get pissed about it, and then want to do it again, the span of that cycle lengthens and shortens, but over a varying amount of time. What tends to keep me from doing it most the time is the lack of that physical impulse to move for a blade. Like sometimes it feels like moving to get the blade is driven on its own and more or less subconciouse.

Edited by peepeepottypants (09/29/05 10:56 PM)

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Re: Cutting [Re: peepeepottypants]
    #4733737 -

Hmm this is weird. Just wondering, why do people do this? I don't get it.

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Re: Cutting [Re: moog]
    #4733823 -

For me it gives a sort of release. I have some pretty nasty boughts with my head, sometimes it feels like the most natural way to be is in shambles. And getting pent up with such self hatred and upset can be very stiffling, cutting allows me to focus, and manifest emotional pain into physical. It seems like the most tangible way to deal with pain.

In some ways it feels like when I cant take it anymore I need to cut myself, because I can't pull myself out of a rut by any other means.
Unfortunatly once you start doing it, it can become a defense mechinism as well. Because for me once I slip it becomes a lot easier to just want to do it. It has very addictive qualitites.

Edited by peepeepottypants (09/29/05 11:20 PM)

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Re: Cutting [Re: moog]
    #4733840 -

it is very confusing...it doesnt seem to make sense y someone would want to do bodily harm to themselves. but think of it this way, some people drink when they're down. they get drunk because at the time, it makes them feel better. BUT, then it's a bad thing. Infections for cutters, hangovers for drinkers. Same thing with pot, there's a low. Those are all your body's way of telling you not to ever do it again. Your cut hurting and turning red is your body telling you that there's an infection, and you should never get cut like that again. It's all a temporary relief from the pain around you.

and yes, shedding my morals made me feel no more guilt. you cant feel guilty if you didn't do something wrong.


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